I am one of those wives. I am!
And I suspect there are more than a few of us out there—wives who enjoy pleasing their husbands orally.
But what if you are a wife reading this and you aren’t so sure how to enjoy it more than you do now?
I am not naive. I recognize there are many wives who are resistant and hesitant about oral sex. I also know, though, there are ways you can embrace a more positive perspective about it, as well as learn a few tips to make it more enjoyable for you. This isn’t all about him, despite what cliche narratives may try to lead us to believe.
Husbands, if you are reading this, please don’t click away. There are things you can do as well to help the experience be better for your wife. I would love it if a husband and wife would read this post TOGETHER and have an authentic discussion about oral pleasure in their marriage. How awesome would that be?!!
Consider printing this post or pulling it up on a tablet or phone and use it as a springboard into vulnerable connection in your marriage.
Before we dig in, I want to offer a few disclaimers. If there is any possibility you have an STD or communicable illness that could be transmitted through body fluids or exposure, then oral sex may not be wise. If you have any concerns, talk first with your doctor before engaging in oral sex. Also, if oral sex was part of someone’s history of sexual abuse, it may be too big of a trigger to overcome. Be sensitive to this if your spouse was sexually abused in the past and oral sex was part of that abuse.
Okay, now let me share my heart on the topic of oral sex. It’s a topic worthy of discussion for sure!
3 reasons I enjoy giving my husband oral sex.
1. He Thoroughly Enjoys It
Sure, this seems like an obvious reason, but behind it is the raw fact that as a wife, I am the only one who can bring him this kind of ecstasy. It brings me joy to bring him joy.
The Lord gives a married couple tremendous freedom to lean into their arousal and pleasure to the fullest within the covenant of their love and the safety of their exclusivity.
With the number of ways our entire bodies respond to touch, arousal and sexual technique, I don’t know why we would ever box ourselves into the script that sex is only intercourse and/or that it can happen only in missionary position. Sexual intimacy that is savored and pursued in a marriage is so much more than that.
I like giving my husband oral sex because he enjoys it, and that makes us both happy.
2. It Boosts My Sexual Confidence
As a woman and as a wife, I love feeling sexually confident. Offering my husband oral arousal and pleasure is a powerful way to feel more confident. The nice side bonus of this is not only do I feel more confident, but he is also turned on by my confidence. It is a win-win; a delicious loop of arousal and oneness.
Who among us doesn’t want to feel good at doing something?! This is something I am incredibly good at. I’m not bragging. I’m being genuinely honest. It all is quite the boost to my sexual confidence and my own level of arousal. For more reading on orgasm, be sure to check out my orgasm page, which is overflowing with so many posts on orgasm.
3. Our Relationship Gets Stronger
Oral sex adds some variety to our marriage bed that definitely draws us closer together—in bed and out of bed. When a husband and wife are intentional about their intimacy (sexual and otherwise), the positive ripple effect in the ENTIRE relationship cannot be understated. I have long said that when my husband and I enjoy our sexual connection, I like him better. I do. When we are doing well beneath the sheets, we are doing well on our feet.
“Okay, Julie, I get that it may be good for my marriage. But let’s talk logistics. How do I actually get past the ick factor?”
Here are a few tips (husbands, please read these, too!)
1. Remember Who Made Your Husband’s Penis
I know I’m circling back to perspective here, but it’s profound. The Lord fearfully and wonderfully made your husband, including all his body parts. For that matter, the Lord also fearfully and wonderfully made YOU, including all YOUR body parts.
Sexual organs and the sexual arousal that goes with them was not an afterthought on God’s part. He wove all of this in creatively and intentionally. As such, it does our marriage good if we humbly remember this. Rather than gazing at your husband’s body parts or your own with disdain or indifference, remember that all of that is God’s handiwork.
2. Cleanliness is Oral Sex Friendliness
We lower a lot of inhibitions in our marriage bed if we just come to bed clean. For real! You are grown adults, so of course I don’t need to elaborate much here, but I encourage you to pay close attention to coming to bed well washed. Sometimes a shower together before heading to bed can even serve a dual purpose of foreplay and cleanliness.
Husbands, if you are particularly hairy in your genital area, consider at least trimming some of the hair. My friend J. Parker of Hot Holy Humorous fame did a great post on “manscaping” at this link. Worth checking out for sure. Women too can shave or have waxing treatments done, so wives, please consider how you can bless your husband with your hygiene as well.
Cleanliness is oral sex friendliness. I should put that on a billboard. Or a bumper sticker.
3. Consider Comfort
Find a position where you both are comfortable. For example, a husband could lay near the edge of the bed so that his wife could kneel on the floor and please him orally. Use pillows as props to help with comfort and with angles. Get creative, because the more comfortable physically you both are, the more likely you can focus on the experience without distraction.
4. Being Teachable is Sexy
This goes both ways, of course—I talk a lot about teaching and being teachable in the marriage bed. The two of you need to not simply assume what feels good to each other. Give and receive feedback with a tone of love, and resist the urge to get defensive or embarrassed. It is not commentary on someone’s character if they don’t intuitively know how to sexually please their spouse. A healthy approach is to welcome the opportunity to learn. In other words, show and tell.
Wives, ask him what feels good orally. No surprise, there are countless ways a wife can use her mouth, tongue, and hand (and any combination of those) on her husband’s penis, testicles and entire genital region. Figure out through show and tell what will be incredibly pleasurable to him. Husbands, be a kind compassionate coach. Tell her what feels good.
5. Anticipate and Plan Accordingly
As a writer and speaker on sexual intimacy, I often hear commentary around the issue of swallowing. If a wife has a strong gag reflex, swallowing when her husband ejaculates may be incredibly difficult or impossible for her. For some wives, they don’t have the gag problem but just don’t want to swallow. On the flip side, I hear from husbands who associate their wife swallowing with feeling loved by her.
My encouragement? Remember your covenant and the foundation of kindness and generosity. This is not a place for demands. Have a discussion about swallowing. As a wife, if you are not going to swallow, definitely make sure you are not disrupting his pleasure. When he is about to come, it may help to finish with your hand or to receive him in your mouth but then discreetly wipe your mouth with a towel.
Husbands, you need to teach her what you need in those moments as you are climaxing if she is not going to receive you in her mouth. Teach her how to still give you the pressure or stimulation you need. An abrupt change of course could be disappointing for both of you.
Also along these lines, as your orgasm is building, you may increasingly feel the urge to push her head more rapidly on your penis. This could feel overwhelming, disrespectful or painful for her. Unless she is open to you doing this in the moment, resist the urge to do it and let her instead bring you to climax.
Your sexual intimacy and all the nuances and idiosyncrasies that happen within it should be bathed in love. Husbands, if your wife genuinely struggles with swallowing, please don’t question how much she loves you. Instead, feel grateful for the attention she is giving you orally. Wives, if you choose to not swallow, make sure your motive is authentically that you can’t rather than a simple one of preference. I’m not saying you can’t still refuse to swallow, but seek to discern if this is a place where you could grow in being generous.
6. Be Reciprocal
Not everyone feels the same way about oral sex, but I definitely think if a husband and wife are going to include it in their sexual intimacy, there should be a willingness for reciprocation. If a wife wants oral sex, her husband can’t reasonably expect her to offer such pleasure to him and then he not do the same for her, and vice versa. Wives, it’s not reasonable to expect him to please you orally and then you not offer the same to him if he desires it.
Being reciprocal fits nicely in healthy sexual intimacy.
I know I can’t win over all wives to enjoy giving oral sex to the degree I do, but I am hopeful that a post like this at least generates some healthy discussion. Consider this your nudge to have such a discussion. Your marriage will be better for it.
Copyright 2021, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.