Is your hesitancy about giving oral sex to your spouse that you won’t do it right or good enough?
I realize when it comes to reasons someone won’t give oral sex, this probably falls far down on the list—way down below “I think it’s gross” or “I think it’s wrong.”
Yet performance anxiety I’m sure has stopped plenty of spouses in their tracks when it comes to oral sex. It may be down on the list, but it’s on the list.
“I don’t know what I’m doing” or “what if my spouse doesn’t like it” may be enough to just avoid the topic altogether. “I just won’t go there” becomes the rationale to not confront the awkwardness or learning curve.
Good news, though! Offering oral sex doesn’t have to be such a scary proposition with the right attitude on your part and your spouse’s part.
If you are the spouse who would desire oral sex and you know your spouse is hesitant because they feel like they don’t know what they are doing, you play a huge role in making this all go better than they are imagining.
And if you are the spouse who wants to bless your spouse with oral pleasure, but you are super self-conscious about doing it “correctly,” you too play a big role in making this all go better than you are imagining.
Just like anything sexual in a marriage, oral sex is a learned behavior. And the two of you together have all you need to go from hesitancy to amazing.
Here are 3 tried and true ways to move beyond hestiancy:
1. Cleanliness is a game changer
If there are odors or tastes that are distracting or frustrating, then the whole scenario is going to become all that more difficult. I mean, here you are already questioning if what you are doing orally is actually pleasuring your spouse, and on top of all that anxiety, you’re turned off by the lack of hygiene.
I like to say cleanliness is oral sex friendliness. You both should strive to come to bed clean. You don’t necessarily need a shower (although I’m a fan of the shower before sex), but definitely take the time to wash your entire lower half well!
Not only does this provide some reassurance for both of you, but it truly does make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. So start with some cleanliness. Be intentional about this. It’s a game changer.
2. It’s not just about your mouth and tongue
Whether you are a husband pleasuring your wife orally or you are a wife pleasuring your husband orally, making the experience great involves your hands as well. (And as a wife, you can increase his pleasure quite a bit by also using your breasts on his penis).
The way you caress, touch and stroke your spouse’s genitals and entire genital region, in addition to any oral techniques, can make a monumental difference in the intensity of the pleasure—and of the orgasm if you are bringing them to climax orally.
As a husband, using your hands and fingertips can help you spread and caress her vaginal lips as you also use your tongue. You also can use your fingers to stimulate her internally (such as her G spot) while you simultaneously use your tongue to stimulate her clitoris.
As a wife, stroking his penis and/or caressing his testicles with your hand as you bring him in and out of your mouth can intensify his pleasure.
There just are a lot of possibilities. But you need to communicate about what you like and don’t like, which brings me to my last point…
3. Feedback. Also a game changer!
Learning what your spouse enjoys orally shouldn’t be a guessing game. It should involve a fair amount of trial and error and feedback. Not only should the person receiving oral pleasure feel safe and free to lovingly give feedback unsolicited, but the person giving pleasure also should be proactive in seeking feedback.
Do you like it when I do this?
Does this feel good?
What could make it feel even better?
Sure, you have to weave in feedback in a way that feels like a sweet volley rather than an interrogation. But when you both have an attitude that learning is a good thing, then you will welcome the opportunity to grow together.
Another important thing to remember is that there isn’t a “right” way to do oral sex. There is the way that you and your spouse discover is right for the two of you. What makes oral pleasure amazing for one couple may be quite different than what makes it amazing for you and your spouse. Don’t lose sight of this.
Have a heart to lovingly affirm and guide each other, and don’t take offense when your spouse expresses “I like it if you would do it this way.” Tone means everything. If you are the one guiding, have a tone of love. If you are the one being guided, have a tone of being teachable.
Your end game is what is important. You can move beyond hesitancy and get to a point where the two of you gain such intimate and specific knowledge about each other that you find such incredible joy in oral pleasure—giving and receiving!
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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