I am blessed beyond blessed that my dear friend and fellow sex blogger champion J. Parker of Hot Holy & Humorous fame is guest posting for me today. Enjoy her insights. I know I always do…
I’m fascinated with happiness.
Perhaps because I spent too many years either unhappy or clinically depressed. Perhaps because I flipped that script and have been quite happy for several years now. Perhaps because I’m so motivated to keep the happiness I’ve found.
Three attitudes that have helped me become happier in life have also made me happier with the sexual intimacy in my marriage.
What are those attitudes?
Attitude 1: Wonder
From a beautifully woven spider web in my backyard, to a particularly colorful sunset, to the rush of the ocean at the beach, I’m amazed by the natural world around me. I often stop, take in the view, and experience awe at God’s handiwork. What a craftsman!
I feel that way too about sexual intimacy. From our genitalia and erogenous zones, to the way our bodies react and interact, to the emotional and even spiritual experience of connection, I’m amazed by sexual intimacy in marriage.
Yes, things don’t always work exactly as they should, but when they do … oh, sweet Creator!
Do you stop, notice, and experience awe at God’s handiwork? What would it take to become more aware and appreciative of God’s design for sex? What do you need to know or experience to feel a sense of wonder about the sexual intimacy in your marriage?
Attitude 2: Gratitude
Gratitude journals have been all the rage for a while. I’m terrible at keeping them—believe me, I’ve tried.
But whether that’s your go-to or you do something a little more on-the-fly like me—stopping to just say thank you to God or to your spouse—gratitude can increase your sexual enjoyment.
In fact, I recently came upon a research study linking gratitude with sexual interest and satisfaction. Long story short, “the more people experience and receive gratitude in their relationships, the more likely they are to be invested in their partner’s sexual pleasure—leading to more mutual sexual satisfaction overall.”
And it’s not just the satisfaction of the pleasure-receiver, but the pleasure-giver too. Both spouses benefit by one’s gratitude, and even more so when both feel grateful.
Attitude 3: Contentment
As Julie has often said, sexual encounters are not all created equal. While some make your jaw drop and your heart sing, not every encounter fills you with that swell of wonder or gratitude.
That’s okay. I’ve learned in my own quest for happiness the importance of accepting both the good days and the not-so-good days. As the mom in Judith Viorst’s wonderful book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day says, “Some days are like that.”
(Turns out some years are like that too. Look at you, 2020!)
So sex didn’t happen today or the way you imagined. Be content that you both tried or that you connected as much as you did or that tomorrow offers another opportunity to try again.
It’s okay for you two to say, “Some days are like that.” Then remember the good times in the past and pursue good times to come. (No pun intended, but I think Julie just snickered.)
Your bedroom should be a happy place where your personal happy places are made even happier. But these three attitudes—wonder, gratitude, and contentment—can kick it up a notch!
Cultivate these attitudes to experience even more happiness in each other’s arms. And happy endings whenever you can.
J. Parker started Hot, Holy & Humorous as a blog with the goal of helping others understand God’s design for sex in marriage. Since then, she’s published over 900 blog posts, written five books, released 80+ podcast episodes with Sex Chat for Christian Wives, and launched online communities for both husbands (with a cohost) and for higher desire wives. But her goal remains the same: helping you embrace God’s blessings for your marriage bed. J has a personal story of sexual redemption, holds a master’s degree in counseling, and lives in Texas with her fabulous but oh-so logical husband, “Spock.”