There is no script as to what has to happen after you and your spouse make love.
If you are like most couples, what happens after you have sex has likely become typical for you.
And that’s great if you’re both pleased with that pattern. But what if either of you would like things to look a bit different in those moments after having sex?
It’s a good question to ask each other.
And even without the question posed, it’s healthy to take the initiative and share your desires. You can’t assume you spouse knows you are pleased or displeased with the pattern—unless, of course, your words and body language have already made the picture clear.
But even then, desires change. Clear communication always has the advantage over elusive communication.
Maybe you were fine at one point with both of you jumping out of bed after sex and going about your business. But now you are hungering for more time lingering in each other’s arms.
Sometimes what happens right after sex has a lot to do with the timing of the sexual encounter, and you have to adjust accordingly.
Making love before turning in for the night looks different than a “quickie” over a lunch break. Having sex on a leisurely afternoon on vacation has fewer time constraints than a spontaneous encounter right before walking out the door to an engagement. Sure, you can be a little late if you are meeting friends for dinner, but you probably don’t want to show up obnoxiously late. (Although it would make for a funny story!)
Occasionally, I’ll hear from wives who are somewhat offended if their husband falls asleep immediately after sex (which is why I wrote the post He Falls Asleep After Sex? Consider It a Compliment.) Falling asleep right away after sex seems to be more of a male tendency, but I can’t say I’ve never been so spent after sex that I didn’t start drifting off rather quickly. Sometimes a husband and wife are both so relaxed after lovemaking that they both want to fall asleep immediately.
Some people want to talk after making love. You’ve just shared this incredibly intimate, passionate and pleasurable experience with the person you adore. Your guard is down in a good way, and the heightened oneness can make conversation easier.
My husband and I have had our moments of enjoying such playful and romantic banter in those moments after making love. It’s a tender way to end something that was already tipping the tenderness scales.
My only word of caution if you both are up for talking is to steer clear of stressful topics. There’s a time and a place to discuss the logistics of the in-laws visiting or a huge purchase you’re considering—but I think we can all agree right after you just had sex is not the time and not the place.
As we all know, sex can be a messy sweaty sticky endeavor, and some people want to clean up right away after making love. This doesn’t always have to mean getting out of bed immediately. If you plan ahead, you can have a towel or two nearby. That’s just an idea if one or both of you is hoping for some cuddle time after sex. Or you can go clean up and then return to each other’s embrace.
I think it’s understandable that many wives want to go to the bathroom shortly after sex, as urinating can help prevent urinary tract infections. I covered that topic in a post at this link. Even after a quick trip to the bathroom, there’s no reason you can’t come back and enjoy the post-sex glow and closeness.
Certainly for most married couples, their sexual intimacy is going to have some routine elements to it. To some degree, this “knowing” that the two of you build over countless sexual encounters becomes a beautiful muscle memory in your relationship. And this is a good thing. There is goodness in the knowing and in the oneness and in the safety of predictability.
But if there are things in your routine—including what happens right after you make love—that you sense have grown stagnant, then it’s okay to change things up a bit. Definitely these moments after making love are a place for grace and selflessness.
You may not be able to agree completely on what those moments look like, but you can grow to accommodate each other’s desires, at least to some degree. It’s a place for grace and selflessness—these moments after you make love. Don’t miss what these moments have to offer.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.