Not long ago, I wrote a post on 5 Great Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband.
I encourage you to read that post too, because those initiation ideas are universal enough that they may work with your wife.
Before I get ahead of myself too much here, I want to offer up a disclaimer. I wrote that first post and this one with healthy marriages in mind. If your marriage is struggling with big issues, I respect that better initiation isn’t a quick fix.
If, though, you are looking to be intentional about nurturing intimacy, then there is a lot to be said for honing your initiation skills.
Today let’s unpack some initiation tactics that may resonate more with women. As a husband, you know your wife best, so I’m confident you’ll know if the ideas I share today will prove bountiful.
Remember too that there is something to be said for trial and error. Giving something a go and seeing how things pan out. Either you’ll be wildly successful OR the two of you will have a comical inside joke for decades to come OR you’ll land somewhere between those two.
If you are a wife reading this, I hope you will keep in mind that this is the man who loves you and desires you. It’s a good thing he wants to make love to you!
5 Great Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Wife
1. Carve out time
I was going to say “set the mood,” but that sounds like it’s all about candlelight and chocolate. I think “carve out time” is a better picture. For many women, having the mental perspective conducive to intimacy will increase the odds of intimacy.
So give her 30-45 minutes by herself in a relaxing setting, while you handle distractions (getting the kids settled down for the night, for example). Maybe she could take a hot bath or retreat to a quiet room in the house to read. Or maybe she finds exercise relaxing and wants to get out for a walk or do a few miles on the elliptical. What is it that your wife finds relaxing?
I think what is key to all this is being genuine. Say to her, “I really want to be close to you tonight. I need that time with you. So why don’t you go relax for awhile. And then we will spend some time together later.”
That kind of genuine compassion may do wonders for helping her embrace being sexually close to her man.
2. Listen to build connection
You wouldn’t have to hang around marriage sites for long to know it is common for women to want their husband to listen without trying to fix any struggles she brings up. There’s a lot of truth to that.
BUT my point with this tip when it comes to sex is that your wife may find it arousing just to be heard, regardless of whether she is talking about struggles or not. Listen with your eyes. Pay attention. Turn off the TV. Sit close.
And in the midst of that emotional connection, be confident in saying, “When we talk like this, I feel all that closer to you. And when I feel close to you, I want to make love to you.”
Just to be clear here, I’m not saying you should listen only when you want sex. I’m saying that if you consistently become a more intentional listener, you consistently will build emotional connection. And emotional connection makes sexual connection all that more powerful. And likely. In many marriages, it makes it all that more likely.
3. Work side by side
It can be anything—doing dishes after dinner, working in the yard together, grocery shopping, folding laundry, etc. When a husband and wife work side by side, even on mundane household tasks, it is an opportunity to not only build emotional connection, but also to be playful with each other.
Playfulness and emotional connection are nice segues to foreplay and sexual connection. Again, don’t operate from a place of mind reading, but rather come right out and express your desire.
You can have fun with this too! “It gets me all hot and bothered when I see you folding towels” or “Nothing is sexier than the way you compare laundry detergents when we are grocery shopping.”
Be on the look out for ways to work side by side, and then bring sexual intimacy into the mix.
4. Use your hands
Not all touches are created equal. In marriage we learn this if we are paying close attention along the way.
Maybe it’s the way you move her hair off her neck and gently caress her. Maybe it’s the way you rub her shoulders or slide your hand along her thigh when you’re sitting and watching a show together. Maybe it’s the way you hold her in a hug and then run your hands along her sides and touch her breasts.
Touch can be a great way to initiate sex. Obviously, some touches are blatantly sexual, which is totally awesome if you ask me. Some wives find this non-verbal expression arousing.
Use your hands to initiate sex.
5. Be assertive with your sexual desire
Only you know if your wife responds to assertive expression of sexual desire. A wife may find this incredibly attractive—that her husband would confidently show her with his body language and sometimes his spoken language that he wants her sexually. Like right now. He wants her right now.
Some wives describe this as “being taken,” where she is not only open to his assertiveness, but eagerly responds to it. So if you think your wife would be open to this, then it is a great way to initiate sex.
If you aren’t sure, you’ll find out pretty quickly when you make some initial assertive moves. Don’t be overpowering, but be confident and assertive. If it’s not a turn on for her, she’ll let you know. But even that is an opportunity to clarify and lovingly share from your heart, “I desire you.”
If you are a wife reading this, what initiation ideas do you like? If you are a husband reading this, what initiation ideas have you found work with your wife?
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.