This post will resonate more with wives than husbands. I’m not saying there aren’t men who are afraid of having an orgasm, because I imagine there are a few.
Just know that if you are fearful about orgasmic pleasure, what I share today is helpful whether you are a man or a woman.
Recently I wrote about the pleasurable feeling of an orgasm in a post titled How Would You Describe an Orgasm? When most people think of an orgasm, they do think of something extremely enjoyable.
But what if the thought of an orgasm instills fear in you? What are some common reasons for that? Below are a few.
This list isn’t comprehensive, but if you have ever felt afraid to have an orgasm, I imagine one or more of these are relevant:
1. The thought of experiencing an orgasm triggers something from your past
Maybe you associate sexual pleasure with your past sexual activity before you were married, and experiencing pleasure now—even in the right context of marriage—feels sinful or wrong. It’s like you just can’t shake the feeling that it is sin, so you would just assume not go there.
Or if you experienced sexual abuse or trauma, maybe there was a lot of confusion and mixed emotions about something feeling good and something being a violation.
At any rate, something in your past may be the stumbling block for you when it comes to embracing the pleasure of orgasm.
2. You are afraid of losing control
You may be afraid of having an orgasm because you associate it with a loss of control. It makes you nervous to think about being overcome with pleasure or giving yourself over completely to pleasure. Maybe you even feel powerless.
Or possibly you are afraid to have an orgasm because you wonder if you’ll be embarrassed by the way you express feeling such profound pleasure, whether it be your facial expressions or groans you make. For some people, this causes a lot of trepidation… What will I look like when I climax? What will I say? Will it make my spouse laugh or be a turn off?
3. You question if sexual pleasure is godly
Possibly you are hesitant to embrace orgasmic pleasure, because you question whether something like that can be from God. Maybe you were raised to believe that all sexual pleasure is wrong and you’ve carried this into your marriage. Somewhere along the way, you became convinced that being strong in your faith meant never giving in to what you believe are purely fleshly desires. The struggle with enjoying arousal and orgasm is you equate it with spiritual weakness.
Do any of the above sound familiar? Are there other reasons I didn’t mention that cause you to feel afraid to have an orgasm?
Regardless of what is causing you fear, the more important question is, “Do you want to move beyond that fear?” If so, below are a few suggestions that may help:
Seek to understand what God says about sex.
We know that God is the author of marriage and He is the author of sexual intimacy. He also is the Creator of our bodies, including all our organs and our responses. The clitoris in a woman serves no other purpose than sexual pleasure, and it was God who designed the clitoris. We know that sex is not only for reproduction, but also for building emotional, physical and spiritual oneness between a husband and wife.
Do a deep dive into the Old Testament book of Song of Songs, even reading a couple commentaries on the book. You will quickly discover passionate descriptions of sexual oneness and pleasure between a husband and wife.
Ironically, if you struggle with embracing sexual pleasure because you think it’s sinful, consider that the opposite may be true. You being resistant to the gift of sex in your marriage, including the gift of arousal and sexual pleasure, may be where the true sin is. Downplaying or neglecting sexual intimacy goes against 1 Corinthians 7, where a husband and wife are told to not withhold their bodies from each other.
Marriage between a man and woman is unlike any other relationship, because it is the only one where God so clearly celebrates and encourages sexual connection.
God’s heart is that within the context of marriage, sexual pleasure between a husband and wife is righteous, beautiful and sacred. Ask God to align your heart with His and to cast out any fear you may have about orgasm.
Think about what is healthy for your marriage.
From a purely logical standpoint, is it good for your marriage for you and your husband to nurture and enjoy sexual intimacy or would that be bad for your marriage? When considered from this angle, we clearly can see what is best for your marriage is that the two of you are enjoying sex.
A big part of enjoying sex is enjoying arousal and sexual pleasure, including orgasm. If we never embrace the pleasure of sex, it quickly becomes nothing more than a chore—something to be endured rather than something to be pursued.
Learn your body and your spouse’s body.
One of the best ways to move beyond fear is to gain knowledge. The more knowledge we have about something, the less anxiety we tend to feel about it. This is so true for sex! Becoming more comfortable with arousal and pleasure is easier if you are willing to understand your own body and your spouse’s body.
Yes, this can feel awkward and will take a lot of practice, but that is the beautiful pathway to growing in sexual confidence. The two of you need to spend time exploring your bodies. Be patient and willing to give and receive feedback. Try various touches, positions and techniques, and give yourselves the freedom to say what you like and don’t like. For more tips on experiencing orgasm, check out my orgasm page.
The more you discover what arouses you and your spouse, the happier you will feel about making love. I have faith that your fear of orgasm will dissipate. Orgasm will become something sacred to you… something you desire deeply for yourself and your spouse because of your profound love for each other.
You need not fear an orgasm. It can indeed become something you pursue rather than resist.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.