I was honored to recently speak on sexual intimacy in marriage during breakout sessions at a marriage conference at Reality Church in LaVista, Nebraska. I just love talking about sex (as many of you know).
I sat in on the main sessions by a phenomenal Christian speaker and counselor, Ken Howard out of the Kansas City area.
What I found particularly encouraging was the congruency between Ken’s message and mine.
And I think we would have found even more congruency with the additional breakout sessions as well.
The overriding congruency?
If you want a strong and intimate marriage, you have to be intentional.
You have to put in the effort. You have to walk in the direction of healthy interaction, problem solving, and communication.
Plain and simple, healthy patterns are intentional. If you want a healthy normal, you have to be intentional.
In that light, here 3 ways to improve sex in your marriage:
1. Address why you struggle sexually.
I know, this seems like common sense. Look at the why. But human nature being what it is, we aren’t overly adept at addressing relationship issues, especially if they are sexual struggles.
If you struggle in your sexual intimacy, do you know why? Have you really dug into the why?
My guess is that until you look at the why, then any quick fixes just aren’t going to work. One romantic getaway or one night of sending the kids to grandma’s just isn’t going to have lasting transformation on your sexual intimacy.
What will transform sexual intimacy in your marriage is doing the hard work (together and individually) of looking at why you struggle. Unpack it. Vulnerably do what it takes to heal and grow in a healthier direction.
Does that take courage? Yes. But your marriage (and sex within your marriage) is worth it!
2. Talk about what turns you on.
We do not get a lot of practice talking about sex in an authentic way. We just don’t.
The church tends to be heavily focused on messages about purity and messages about pornography (both needed messages, by the way).
BUT we aren’t overly adept at giving significant voice to sexual intimacy in marriage — how to nurture it, the fact God designed it to be fun and unifying, and the truth that phenomenal sexual connection is built rather than stumbled upon.
Society and mainstream media and movies give us the impression that sex is wildly easy and that pleasure comes naturally without much communication or effort. It is no wonder that we are lulled into believing that we will intuitively KNOW what to do to turn each other on.
Then you find yourself within real life marriage and you discover that sexual arousal and connection and understanding are not quite as instantaneous as Hollywood makes it all out to be.
You’re going to have to talk and listen to each other. You’re going to have to be specific. You’ll need to be patient as you try and adjust and feel your way toward sexual pleasure and connection.
Want further reading? I have a bunch of posts on orgasm on The Orgasm Page (well worth the read). And for great posts on foreplay, check out Sex Begins in Church, Not Just in the Kitchen and How to Get an A in Foreplay and 5 Fabulous Truths About Sex You Won’t See in a Romantic Movie.
3. Spend more time on friendship.
Everyone is always asking me the secret to great sex. Certainly throw yourself into my first two points above. But also don’t forget what I think is the most important pathway toward great sex in a marriage — great friendship.
Want to be a better lover? Be a better friend. When you are intentional about your relationship and time together with your clothes on, it makes it easier to enjoy connecting with each other when your clothes come off.
For more reading on improving sexual intimacy in your marriage, I highly recommend 5 Must-Try Tips for Reviving a Sexually Dead Marriage. (I know. That title sounds a bit negative, but it really is a scrumptious read. Well worth it.)
Here’s to better sex.
Copyright 2017, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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7 thoughts on “3 Ways to Improve Sex in Your Marriage Now”
We could not imagine our marriage without our very strong bonding sexually. We just love talking about sex together and would not be ashamed to talk with other couples about the absolute joy of pleasing and pleasuring each other sexually. Point 2 is so important. This is coming from a man who had so much shame about having a very high sex drive and then finding out 25 years later my wife was very comparable but also would be ashamed to tell me what she would fanticized about sexually before we met. I know what she loves and it’s better to give then to receive but she to thinks this way now.’
Thanks for this great post.
Item number one hits the nail right on the head. It takes WORK. Like anything else in life, if we want a better sex life we need to have love and understanding, and then work at making it better. We need to learn about each other and from each other. We need to be open to talk through our issues and work toward a positive resolution. It may take time, but the effort is so worth it.
My wife and I had years in “struggle mode”, but by God’s grace, we lovingly worked toward a better understanding of each other. And yes, we worked at having a better sex life. It did take work and patience and understanding and time for growth and acceptance. But WOW — God can really do miracles.
Thanks for your blog… Keep it up, love reading it…
It’s ok to tell others how much we love sex. Our sex life changed because I gave up fealing sorry for myself in regards to our sex life. I’ve often written “we had a good marriage based on commitment to a monogamist marriage. Kids church and making a living but a troubled sex life. That came to an end when I realized how selfish I was. I’ve learned to just forget about my needs and just focus on her sexual pleasure and that’s what sealed the deal. I know for a fact that couples that approach their sex lives like we do have amazing sex lives. I’m also convinced that each couple has there own positions and styles that work because of their bodies. That why people that have had many one night stands are convinced sex is no longer for them. They have done damage to their sex lives by their past.
So knowing this allows us to put two and two together and say ” we are sure if we would listen to what the sex life would be like for other couples very few would go about it the same way. Position wise foreplay wise frequency and of course needs
I wish there was help for me. These strategies are useless in my situation. I struggle sexually because I’m not attracted to my husband. He’s very obese, and he subtly verbally abused me for over 25 years. We are great friends now but I am no more turned on by him than by my mother, sister, or daughter. To talk about what turns me on would just be cruel. I have told him I’m sexually available to him whenever he wants, and I try to make it as pleasant for him as possible without being phony. But under the circumstances, he chooses not to. I’m very lonely and vulnerable.
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Well I truly believe that marriage is something we need to work on. Being intimate to your partner is part of the work that we need to do in order to make our relationship last. If you two are too busy to be intimate then you need to talk about it… make a schedule. This will make your relationship stronger.