authentic, sexual intimacy, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
The Sexiest Thing You Can Do for Your Husband
Apr
I don’t know your husband, so I can’t answer for certainty what he would say if we asked him, “What is the sexiest thing your wife can do for you?”
But if he is like many husbands, the sexiest thing you can do is desire him sexually.
Do you desire him sexually? If so, that is sexy.
Sadly, the skewed sexual messages that society holds up as “sexy” often miss the mark by a long shot.
We are easily led to believe that with just the right body, clothes, make-up, hair and moves, we would be able to really wow him sexually beneath the sheets.
But a fabricated photoshopped life is a poor counterfeit for the real thing.
The sexiest sexual encounters happen between a husband and wife who hunger to be with each other sexually.
It’s not just about being available sexually.
It is about being intimately aware of the way he longs for not just the feel of your body, but the presence of your heart and soul.
Yes, the physical touch of your fingertips, breasts, hair, and lips… these take his breath away.
But when you offer your body AND the vulnerability of your true self, well — there’s nothing sexier than that.
Do you give him access to it all? I hear from countless husbands who crave this kind of transparency sexually with the woman they married.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s not just about “showing up;” it’s about showing up with a tender and steadfast conviction that making love is immeasurably powerful.
The sexiest thing you can do for your husband is to leave no doubt in his mind that he still is the one who has caught your eye and stirred your heart.
The sexual allure and mystery of the fairytale exists, but not in the way Hollywood serves it to us. It instead finds it footings in the mess of your daily life.
The cumbersome calendars, stacks of clutter, unfolded laundry, sticky-faced toddlers, and crazy work demands — these are but a backdrop to extraordinary sex happening within the ordinary.
The sexiest thing you can do for your husband? Don’t let the life you have together sabotage the life you have together.
Don’t lose track of what it means to regularly close the bedroom door, take off each other’s clothes and pursue sexual pleasure.
The sexiest thing you can do for your husband?
Desire him sexually.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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@FAR I agree that I should use a different term since I can’t get past my definition of vulnerability. Perhaps transparency works better for me.
@HH and @ E2 Thanks for the candid responses.
@Daniel:
I am sorry you feel that way, but I do understand–I’ve been there and not that long ago. Me and many other refused ones can tell you, however, that it does *not* have to be that way always. But if you want that situation to change, you need to have faith that God wants you to be happy in your marriage, and that there will be some things you might need to change.
Just the fact that Julie has managed to change herself out of being a refuser should be a beacon in the night giving you hope of escaping what seems a death trap of loneliness.
But you have to want it enough to be willing to change.
My prayers go with you.
I’ve come to think my wife is willing to be intimate and show me she wants me, but it really comes down to two things before she does so:
1. Convenience
2. Effort
The first one is an absolute must in terms of HER convenience. The second means it better not require much. So, I ask myself this question: Why would I pursue someone whose desire and will is dependent upon these two very selfish things? The answer is that I am not selfish and I want to please my wife sexually as often as I can. Unfortunately for us both, I’ve also gained the attitude of the dog in the expression, “That song won’t hunt.” In other words, she doesn’t make the effort that goes into sex with her worth the reward she is offering.
And from what I (and my male friends) have experienced, the example I gave is pretty much the case most often. And when the use of sex can no longer be used by wives as a bargaining chip (whether they mean to or not) she loses her control of that aspect of the relationship. And, quite honestly, women hate that.
I still love my wife, but I’ve woken up and refuse to allow her to have that kind of control over me and our relationship.
I’m hearing the sexiest thing I can do for my husband is to love him the way he needs to be loved and let him love me the way he needs to love me. But I cannot make sex as powerful for me as it is for him.
The other day he looked into my eyes and said, “I adore you!” I’d trade a hundred orgasms for those three words. So gentlemen, be aware that your wife’s orgasm may mean more to you than it means to her.
When I asked my wife what is the sexiest thing I can do for her, she said, be nice to me. Is this fairly common?
These entries make me sad. I can identify with so many of them. Even Daniel. My wife and I had a long discussion before marriage talking about all the things we expected from marriage, including sex, finances, family, etc. She agreed to everything we talked about. After marriage, there are several things she never followed through with. We waited till marriage for sex, so I was excited about having a great sexual relationship. Alas, it never happened. She didn’t follow through, and even when we do have sex (rarely), she always has her guard up. There is some sort of wall between us that is hard to describe. She never let’s herself be completely free. Many, many conversations and much counseling later, no change. It makes you not want to initiate sex when you know that connection will not be there.
I understand that bonding occurs because of the oxytocin release, but I don’t understand how we have access to another’s heart and soul or, as Julie has put it before, “soul drenching connection” just because there is an orgasm.
Or, the examples E2 listed: “Some that I like would include (1) my wife’s willingness to talk about sex (2) her willingness to just be naked; sleep naked, even when we’re not having sex (3) her willingness to truly let go and enjoy sex, without holding herself back (4) her willingness to tell me what feels good and (5) her willingness to be open to trying new things.”
How does openness about physical pleasure translate to access to one’s heart and soul? What am I missing here?
@HopefullyHelpful
I appreciate the prayers, but you seem to subscribe to the notion that the wives’ refusal is legitimate, and they only refuse because of something the husbands did or are doing, or something the husbands haven’t done or aren’t doing, or for some other reasons they alone can understand.
Once again not only do we have to suffer sexless marriages, we also get to be blamed for such. Well, that sure brightens the day.
@Daniel: My view is a spouse [either sex] has a right of denial, but not of a pattern or constancy of denial. I have blogged about this and taken some flak, but see the reasoning yourself.
My other view is this: You cannot change your spouse. You can only change yourself. Whether your spouse changes or not will be up to them and Jehovah. You can do what you want to convince your spouse to change but then you might start crossing lines you, as a Christian, should not be crossing.
The only way I have managed so far is by strengthening my faith. Without God, there is no way I could deal with this and keep my marriage intact.
Please look at this entire site. It is not only men who suffer from this cruel injustice.
But when we took that baptism plunge, we made a greater commitment than our marriage vows to someone more important, and it limits what we can do.
My prayers to you.
Women use words to express and process emotions. We men use them to impart information. My guess is that when your husband expresses his adoration, you receive a boost of oxytocin, making you feel close and bonded. Unfortunately, we men don’t get the same hormonal boost from words alone. So, when my wife tells me she loves me, but doesn’t follow-up with physical affection, then I don’t feel the same emotions as she does. As Eliza Doolittle sang in “My Fair Lady,” (a song clearly written by a man):
Don’t talk of stars, burning above
If you’re in love, show me!
Tell me no dreams, filled with desire
If you’re on fire, show me!
Here we are together in the middle of the night
Don’t talk of spring, just hold me tight
Anyone who’s ever been in love will tell you that
This is no time for a chat
Haven’t your lips longed for my touch?
Don’t say how much, show me, show me
Don’t talk of love lasting through time
Make me no undying vow
Show me now!
@E2 Well said! (sung?) 🙂 When earlier you said your wife’s orgasm implies you’ve done something right and screams she wants you, I think you may have been saying it demonstrates you’ve done things that speak love to her. Not so much that you’ve conquered some feat or deserve a reward for doing things “right”, but that she knows and feels you love her.
I wonder if husbands tend to think that sex and orgasm are as powerful for their wives as for themselves and that is why they are so intent on their wives’ response and so troubled when that response is less than they hope for. They beat themselves up for this when what their wives may be longing for are words of affirmation or passionate kisses or slow dancing….
We make relationships overly complicated when we assume/expect our spouses to receive love the same way we do.
Like Hopefully says, faith is important. It is all I have at this point, but even that is starting to get thin. If it was not for God I think I would walk out on my wife. I feel like I am staying more for my children than I am for God. If I didn’t have kids, I can’t honestly say I would stay. My wife once said in a counseling session that she has practically no sexual desire any more, due to depression, meds, etc. The loss of intimacy has taken such a huge toll. I wonder why I didn’t get the beautiful marriage I longed for when I was young. Because there is no desire, no intimacy, I rarely try to initiate relations. I know before we start that the passion will not be there. I can’t bring myself to leave, but if she offered to leave I would not stop her. I pray so often for my wife to return to the woman I courted.
@John2 You said “I pray so often for my wife to return to the woman I courtED.” Perhaps you could continue courting her. It may not change things, but at least you will have tried and won’t ever have to wonder if it might have made a difference.
Who is Hopefully Helpful and WHY does he/she keep commenting on every posting… really I like to hear others opinions, as they let me know I am not alone in my situation AND might even truely help me to find ways to make things better.. Whoever this “HopefullyHelpful” is… they have me ready to delete this entire site off my laptop…… Gessssss
@MarriedbutHaveGivenUp… I do moderate my comments (and when I have time, I add a few of my own). For the most part, blogs by their very nature are meant to facilitate open dialogue. I approve most comments, but draw the line at ones that have profanity or recommend such stuff as pornography, adultery, etc.
I don’t agree with all comments, even if I do allow them to appear.
If I were you, I would ignore the comments if they bother you and instead focus on what the actual blog post is possibly trying to say.
I understand, though, how other people’s opinions can get frustrating at times.
@Reba, I am trying. The short version is there has been years of issues between us, so I have a lot of resentment that I am trying to get over. I recently have tried to start serving the lord better, and I feel that God is telling me to be nicer and more service minded towards her (service minded doesn’t really describe what I am trying to say), but I am having difficulty following through because in the past she has just taken advantage of the situation again. I am having trouble believing anymore that God can change things. I believe God can, but will he?
@MarriedbutHaveGivenUp…This is definitely off-topic, but you questioned me, so I answer.
You are welcome to click on my name and visit my blog to get to know more about me and why I might make comments you might not agree with.
If you are following Julie’s blog, you will notice I have actually cut back on the number of responses I make. I do not respond to every post, though I would like to, but just don’t feel I have the personal experience to relate properly regardless of training. This is a new part of my ministry and one wants to help everyone in every single way they can, and I realize I might have been a little too zealous. But as I have come to realize I cannot help everyone, nor does everyone want to be helped, I have only been responding to certain cases, or to follow up on responses to my posts, and spend more time trying to reach a broader base through my own blog.
Some posts strike very close to my heart, and if, as you imply, you have been following Julie’s wonderful sight for a while, sometimes you see a plea that just gets no response for years, or only a “yeah, yeah”, and it is for those, mainly, I try to respond. To give them hope that some really are listening and they are truly not alone, and don’t have to deal with these issues standing in a well of loneliness, and there is light at the end of the ordeal. I base my responses on the Scriptures, and you might have seen me post Scriptures at length. But usually only if I sense a Scripture would help the individual. Empathy can be a terrible thing. But I am glad I have it.
@John2: Why would you doubt God? He’s helping *you* to change, isn’t he. Your spouse is your #1 ministry, and remember your ministry is basically to “give a witness” and it sounds as if you are. As you draw closer to God, he will draw closer to you and it will be easier to deal with all the pesky details because they will start to lose their hold on you. As you reap more of God’s Peace, it will start to show, and, one way or another, your spouse *will* notice. Just do what you do from your heart and not “just for the motions” and keep in mind that after the first 10,000 years or so in the next life have gone by, the years of toil and injustice here just won’t seem that big. Just keep loving your spouse. The Scriptures tell us that love is the one constant in the universe.
My prayers go with you.
@Hopefully helpful, or anyone really. This may be off topic, I wasn’t sure where to write it. You mention light at the end of the tunnel. Is there a light? It just seems hopeless sometimes. I read through these forums, and I wonder why are there so few success stories. I realize that people with successful marriages have little to no reason to visit such forums, but why is it that there are so many people trying to be Christians, who are having trouble in marriage? Is there something wrong with us / me? A good friend of mine who is a better Christian than I am has been left twice. His first wife left after 13 years, and his second didn’t make it a year! He might not be mr. excitement, but he is a good man and a good father, and active in his church. Both wives were involved in church and professed Christian women while married to him. Why did he not get connected with the women God knew would be a blessing to him? He and I were talking about this during the past weekend, and I asked how good do you have to be to get help from God? I am not the best Christian, but I am trying, and I have a sincere heart when I ask forgiveness. I have been praying for help for years. As Christians, is it our lot to just continually strive to be better, hoping our partner will be guided by God, until they either leave us or we die? That thought makes me sad.
@Reba said: “… what their wives may be longing for are words of affirmation or passionate kisses or slow dancing….”
I hear you about different ways of showing love, and I understand that women hear love in many ways other than sex. But marriage is more than two people loving each other; indeed, we are commanded to love all people. What sets marriage apart from other relationships of Christian love is *oneness*, specifically two people becoming “one flesh,” which is Bible-speak for sex. (We often try to spiritualize the “one flesh” language, but in 1 Cor. 6, Paul uses the same “one flesh” metaphor when speaking of sexual union with prostitutes — no spiritual oneness there, just two sets of genitals uniting.) So sexual union is the biblically definitional act of marriage.
I can love a woman without being married to her. I can give her words of affirmation without being married; we can slow dance without being married; (not sure about passionate kissing but we all did it anyway without being married). But, we cannot righteously join together sexually without being married. So, when my wife says she has lost her sexual desire, what I hear is that she’s no longer interested in the one and only act by which the Bible defines marriage. She wants to be my friend, roommate and business partner, but not my wife.
And, that is another reason her orgasm is so important to me. It is at that moment that she says in the strongest terms possible that she is and wants to continue to be “one flesh” with me, to continue to be my *wife*.
@John2:It’s hard to make comments 3rd-4th placed removed about others. But I have known very good men and very good women who are lousy spouses. For many years, I think I sort of fell into that category. I am now trying to focus on being as good a husband as I can be. Whether or not my bride follows suit is of lesser (I would like to say “no”, but I can’t yet) importance to me anymore. She finally made an admission this past weekend after listening to the speaker, whose topic was marriage. She commented she felt guilty because he only mentioned six points for wives and she wasn’t doing any of them but I was doing all he’d mentioned for husbands.
So yes, there is light. But a lot of it is how well you can see.
Do you just wait? Do you drag in the elders? Do you confront? These are all questions that can only be answered by you. You know your spouse better than anyone in the world–or you’re supposed to. Just because you and (hopefully) your spouse claim Christianity doesn’t make you spiritually mature enough to deal with Bible counseling. It is *incredibly hard* when you are being sinned against to just take it. I know you must have seen some of the posts where one spouse will not even forcefully communicate, or walks out of spiritual and secular counseling, even reviling the counselors. What can one say to that other than Satan, Inc. is always on the march? Even in those cases, do we really know why the spouse is acting that way? What hold does Satan have on them that they probably don’t even know about? We cannot judge. As Christians, we can only turn the other cheek. We can bring all the weight of the congregation upon them, but even then, it is up to them to change. Or not. Our baptism holds us accountable for our sins regardless of who sins against us, with only that one exception for pornea for divorce (OK, actually you can divorce any time; you just can’t remarry unless special circumstances like pornea are involved. And you must carefully weigh that decision with the fact that God Really Hates a Divorce).
What you cannot do is isolate yourself. You should be talking to your elders and other mature Christians. You need to remember that your number one responsibility in life is to love and obey God completely. And God tells us to Love Our Spouse, whether they love us or not. God is not going to change your spouse for you. He will even only *help you* to change yourself. He does this by providing fruitage of the spirit which you reap as you mature spiritually. You need to focus on your spiritual growth which will give you tools to help your spouse to change (patience, peace, wisdom, etc.) by you changing (as the scriptures tell us, we love God because He loved us first). This and the other blogs give you the insight into how men and women *feel* and react and expect to be treated and what may or may not have worked for them, with which information your spiritual tools allow you to take action. And you do this, not for your spouse, not for your marriage, not even for yourself. You do this because your love for God drives you to be the best husband you can be, to love your spouse more than you love yourself, the way the Christ loves you.
The light is there, but we don’t know how long the tunnel is, nor what is on the other side. Keep your faith strong, your conscience clean, your spiritual self growing and you will see it. And so will your spouse if she is worthy of the new you, in God’s time. In the meantime, find joy that God will always love you and appreciate the love you show your spouse, and should He soften her heart enough to allow you to be intimate, find joy in that, take your release with heartfelt gratitude and tenderness and affection. Give her sincere thanks and tell her you’ve missed her affection, because, believe it or not, your wife needs you to keep after her. Just don’t be overly expectant. And if all she can give you right now is basically a hole for masturbation, don’t you be anything less than loving, grateful, gracious and appreciative.
You might want to talk to her doctor privately and explain your situation. He probably won’t discuss her case with you, but he should listen to your situation and may change her medications accordingly and might even give you some advice or even suggestions to help her deal with the depression.
My prayers go with you.
@E2 Thanks for the insight. Point taken, my friend.
I remember the pain in my husband’s voice a little over two years ago when he asked, “Don’t you ever want to make love to your husband?” From my perspective, there was nothing we did in bed that had any connection whatsoever to love. Yet for him, and as you have clearly articulated, that was the one thing that assured him of my commitment and devotion.
How is it that you tell your wife in the strongest terms possible (from her perspective) that you are and want to continue to be her husband?
@Reba: “How is it that you tell your wife in the strongest terms possible (from her perspective) that you are and want to continue to be her husband?”
Great (and fearful) question. I’ll ask her. Maybe it will be a great conversation starter.
@Reba: “From my perspective, there was nothing we did in bed that had any connection whatsoever to love.”
I wonder if we need to rethink the conventional wisdom that sex is emotional for women and physical for men.
@Hopefully helpful, thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. I know we must continually seek to do God’s will in our relationships. It is just hard to not be depressed when you see others with the happiness you thought that you were going to get from marriage. I just hope that as I try to carry on and serve God better, things will improve with my wife. I know we may never understand the why of things, at least while on this earth. I still wonder why happiness, true love, and contentment seems to be out of reach for so many who are trying to serve the Lord and stay married. My faith in God is being tested. My faith in marriage is being tested. I have seen a huge part of my life slide by while trying to find happiness with someone who, for all practical purposes, has lost the desire to do anything with her life.
@E2 “I wonder if we need to rethink the conventional wisdom that sex is emotional for women and physical for men.”
I agree. My experience is that as we grow in sexual intimacy we also grow in other areas and over time, sex is emotional AND physical for both women and men. The lines of definition blur. Some speak of a spiritual connection and experience with sex also.
@john2:Depression is hard to deal with. Towards the end of my first marriage, my ex’s schemes all imploded when basically everyone found out she was cheating on everyone within the course of a day. Me, being the husband, of course, was left carrying the bag.
She tried to kill herself, failed, and was left a quivering sack of jelly on the bedroom floor.
That is when I can say my faith in marriage was tested.
As she turned catatonic around midnight, I carried her to the psych ward, thanking Jehovah my eldest was (just barely) old enough to look after his little sister. When the morning arrived (thanking Jehovah now because it was Saturday and the kids could stay home), the doctors tell me “We think she is depressed.” (Lots of schooling years into that diagnosis, I guess). And she needed to be committed for at least a month.
But what came as a surprise to me was what they asked me next:
“There are two courses of treatment here, and you need to choose one: Do you want to stay with your wife or not?”
I chose to stay–one more time.
The real point, however, is this: talk to her doctor, because treatments vary by the desired end result and many depressed patients lie to their doctors. Had my ex been honest with her doctor *and taken her meds* things could have turned out different, however small that chance might have been.
Faith got me through that dark period in my life and it can get you through yours. If you didn’t marry Gomer as I did, you stand a much better chance. Talk to her doctors, explain your situation and what your goals are and ask what you can do to help.
And keep praying. Mine will go with you.
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Sexually speaking the wife/woman always is in the position of power though often she is not honest or aware enough to admit this fact, which is by the design of God for His purposes. This is why the Biblical imperatives, “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as is fit in the Lord,” and “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them,” are so important. She can choose to use this power any way she desires: to manipulate (my ex-wife would grant or withhold her sexuality as ways to control and manipulate) and control, to punish, to destroy, or to unite the two into one in purity and innocence, or anything in between. Sexuality is a life-giving and life-affirming force which comes within marriage with much responsibility. My contribution to the existence of each of my children was one sperm cell and the pleasure of making love to my wife. My ex took that cell, united it with one of her eggs, let a baby develop within her body over nine months, brought this new life into this world with much pain, and then was able to provide that infant with the perfect food for the next few months through her own body. This is only the natural confirmation as to whom has the real (sexual/life giving) power in the marriage. When the woman chooses to anoint her husband in love with this desire, this sexuality, which we men just plain do not have by creation, and not be selfish with it, something extraordinary happens within our hearts and we become more able to give our wives the love they crave. It’s not ever “easy” but the rewards and blessings from Heaven can shower down on both of them.
Just an update and an observation of sorts, that might help some others. As I said above, I am trying to let go of resentment for past things and treat my wife nicer, ask her if I can help her more, show more compassion, etc. Just small steps. I also believe that God helps those who helps themselves, and along that vein, I have begun to just initiate more contact and sex with my wife, regardless of the intimacy being there or not. I have discovered that the more I initiate, the more she responds sexually. I recently embraced her, told her I wanted to do something naughty to her, let her go, and when I went into the bedroom she was waiting on me! What a great feeling to be desired! Time will tell if this is just a happenstance, or if it is a true change in the course of things. I guess the moral is instead of waitingfor her to come around, I am just going to pursue her!
So. Turns out it was happenstance…
A little more patients has paid difidents. For us it was never an incompatable sex drive but instead it was more being on the same page.at the same time and then taking our time together. Without shame because believe me anything goes.
THIS is the POST I want my DW to read. THIS says all and says it succinctly. Most of the GOOD men I know just want to feel loved and wanted and, a BIG ONE, needed for the greatest relationship ever—God’s Gift of sexual bonding between wife and husband. Have you ever heard the old saying “that once you make love with a woman the whole relationship changes”??? Well, it DOES!!! The bond of love is completed by sexual intimacy. You become ONE. You are now inseparable. THAT was and is God’s design. Our bodies mold into one another and God’s creation is perfect.
THAT is my belief even though I am not allowed to live it. I have the “everything is perfect but sex marriage” which makes it very hard for me to complain. I hope my DW will read this and ponders upon the wonders awaiting her. Thanks Julie.
@JohnR I pray for healing and restoration in your relationship with your wife. I would offer that when you begin to see changes, understand those changes may occur in small ways over a period of time versus an immediate flip of the switch. If your wife has issues that need working through, the process may be painful, frightening, and exhausting. I can personally attest there are “wonders” on the other side, but my decision to have/initiate sex regularly with my husband did not have the immediate results for me that he enjoyed. Sometimes it is not an easy road. Be patient and encouraging with her and let her know you are with her in her healing process.
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Hi i think it was a comment about the wife’s orgasm. Giving her orgasms is not magic or create the connection you desire. She must be a willing partner, available and with good faith in the relationship with you.
I used to think the same by giving that. After the divorce she made she comment the sex was great. I was speachless and flabergasted ut was horrible for me. She was self centered and a receiver only. I had mistaken and decived myself that giving her orgasms would turn thing in the marriage around.
Only prayers AND a honest “get it out on the table talk” will hopefully start moving things in the right direction.
Marriage with no mutual intimacy is not a biblical marriage. It may be a social contract that you didn’t sign up for.
I tell young guys if the woman is sexually aggressive while dating and before marriage Look Out! Sorry to say this but a lot of women use that on men. I also tell the young men to keep their sexuality under control to be rational and take the “power card” of some women off the table…
Marriage is the union of a man and wife for the ultimate connection of body, mind soul and spirit. If that’s not you goal you are talking and living some imagination of your own invention.
Tears ago I should have thrown down the gloves and honestly told her we must deal with this problem or its over. The failure was mine for not seeing the situation or where she really was in the relationship.
Be honest and be a man…tell her the truth.