marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
How Long Can a Marriage Go Without Sex?
Mar
Well.
Some marriages go decades without sex, so the question of “can” doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter.
A better question is, “What happens when a marriage goes a long time without sex… for no justifiable reason?”
I always have to add that disclaimer in there, because there are some marriages plagued by chronic illnesses and injuries that make any kind of sexual intimacy impossible.
But most marriages? Yeah, in most marriages, sex IS an option. My guess is if you are reading this right now, sex IS an option in your marriage — yet it never or rarely occurs.
What does happen when a marriage goes a long time — maybe even years or decades — without sex?
Here are 10 things I think can happen (in no particular order).
Ongoing lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage…
1. Stirs resentment.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about soul mingling, which is a vital aspect of marriage that is found in no other human relationship. When I wrote the post “I like him better after we have sex,” I meant it.
Consistent and mutually-enjoyable sexual intimacy in a marriage equips us to extend grace, to be kinder toward one another, to do life together.
So it’s no wonder, that when you take sex out, resentment is eager to arrive on the scene.
2. Fosters distance.
I think we intuitively recognize when there is distance between us and our spouse. Distance is different than resentment, but still equally damaging.
Sex is a vivid reminder in a marriage that we are “in this together.” It’s not surprising that when couples report going long stretches without making love, they feel “distant” from one another.
And that distance begins to chip away at all the things that give marriage richness and strength — vulnerability, friendship, shared joys, common ground.
3. Reduces your marriage to roommate status.
Sure, the two of you pay the bills and run the house. You share the chores. You raise the kids. You mow the lawn. You decorate the Christmas tree. And you run the carpool.
BUT… without physical and emotional intimacy… all of that roommatish stuff barely qualifies as a high and holy definition of marriage.
I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar every time I heard someone express to me that their marriage exists, but it never thrives — in large part because of the lack of sex.
Roommate status in a marriage sucks. It just does.
4. Dishonors God.
God designed marriage and sex — and He designed them to go together.
He implores husbands and wives to make love often. He places a fundamental command on sex being exclusive to marriage. He created women and men both to be able to experience orgasm.
Sex is God’s deal — His arena — in a very big way.
So, suffice to say, when we marry, we are saying “yes” to sex being part of that covenant. We are saying “yes” to God. Take sex out of the covenant? How can we think that doesn’t dishonor Him?
5. Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity.
If we tried to count the number of Christian men and women who want to step out on their sexually unavailable spouse, we would be counting for awhile.
And that’s just counting the ones who want to, but don’t.
Let’s not even start counting the ones who actually do give into that temptation.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “affair proof” your marriage, because a spouse could go above and beyond their responsibility in the marriage, including being sexually available — and their spouse could still choose to cheat.
But I do think there are ways we can guard our marriages. Making love is one of those ways. When sex is non-existent, the spouse who hungers for it may be more tempted to loosen the reins on their marriage vows.
To not see some cause and effect in that whole scenario is careless.
Yes, adultery is a sin and there is no way to rationalize it.
But listen to the raw feelings of refused spouses, and it’s not too hard to see how they convince themselves that sexual indiscretion doesn’t matter at this point.
6. Sets a horrible example for kids.
Don’t kid yourself on this one (no pun intended). Your kids are learning about marriage from watching you. You may say, “Well, they don’t know anything about our sexual intimacy.”
You’re right that they aren’t privy to the details of what happens behind your closed bedroom door, but I guarantee you this. If nothing is happening behind that bedroom door, the collateral damage from that spills out into the rest of your life — you know, the life where your kids are present and paying attention.
See points 1, 2 and 3 for further insight.
7. Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom.
Satan is all about division, and he doesn’t really care how he goes about doing it. He is crafty and clever and will work with what we hand him.
When you willingly decide to take sex out of the marriage, the enemy is delighted. Why? Because he knows that anything designed by God — in this case, sex — is powerful. And holy. And worthy.
When a married couple stops having sex, Satan has gained a huge foothold. Division is so much easier when unity is no longer mutually valued.
8. Increases reliance upon masturbation as the only form of sexual fulfillment.
I don’t think masturbation in marriage is always a bad thing, and I’ve blogged about that here and here.
BUT… if it is happening often and only because someone’s spouse has arbitrarily removed sex from the marriage, then the negative impact starts to add up quickly.
When a husband and wife could be having sex, but aren’t — and one or both of them resort to masturbation — are we really that surprised?
If anything, it just confirms the power of sexual desire.
Even more heartbreaking is when the refusing spouse gives “permission” or “encouragement” to their spouse to “just take care of things themselves.”
How can we possibly think that’s God vision (or even your vision) for sex in a marriage?
9. Makes pornography look more enticing.
No, I am not justifying any sin, including the sin of pornography.
But we are a naive people if we believe for one moment that pornography doesn’t look more alluring to some people who are consistently sexually rejected within their marriage.
I know that pornography addiction is complex. I also know that I hear from many people who struggle greatly with pornography and are trying to stop looking at it. To feel as if there is no other option but pornography only compounds the problem.
Many couples, usually through the assistance of counselors and ministries, have overcome the betrayal of pornography. Without a doubt, a husband and wife eventually resuming healthy and active sexual intimacy is a part of that healing.
Again. A lot of this goes back to, “What are we doing to guard our marriage and our hearts?”
10. Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ.
If you are gung ho about serving in countless ways at your church — yet you know you are blatantly refusing your spouse sexually — then your Christian witness is hampered. I have no doubt about that.
There’s nothing wrong with using your talents and heart to serve the Lord outside your home, but if you are doing it at the expense of priorities in your home and in your marriage, then I encourage you to step back.
Take a good hard look. Be humble. And admit that this may be a blind spot for you.
The Lord is willing to meet you in that place of struggle — and in all the others I’ve listed to this point.
How long can a marriage go without sex?
Well. Like I already said… I don’t think that question really gets at the heart of the matter.
Do you?
For more reading on this, check out one of my favorite posts: Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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John,
I have read all comments, so here is my story. Married 19 years. She is 57 and I am 60. One son at the 5th year. Sex ok for the first 5 years. I would have liked more variety but I could live with my wife desires and wants plus all other aspects of life was good. Then sometime after my son’s birth I tried to initiate sex and she did not want to. I tried to get at why but could not understand exactly but thought it was mostly due to the fact of birth and that she would probably come out of it soon enough. Over the years we did find out about ourselves that we were more different than we had expected but we had a nice house, jobs were paying the bills son was growing up and life was good. We did have our arguments and that is how I found out we were more different. One year led to another and here i am sex less after 14 years. About 5 years ago I initiated a night in house complete with dinner for the two of us prepared by me and my son and served by my son who about 9 years old at the time. It was her favorite movie awards show. After the show I led her into the bedroom and initiated a very sex filled evening. She loved it and said to me that she might have to do the same thing to me. But that never happened. I tried again about a year later without anything in between and was rejected because of something I said a day or two earlier. Now my comment to her was I could not remember what I said that morning let alone what I said days ago. I think it was a cop out but I believe sex should be mutual. Nothing since and that was about 2 years ago. I am now contemplating a divorce because I have met some younger women who have brought the feeling back to me. Not that I would divorces for them but to find someone i can share myself with. My libido is still really good, I am in shape on weight and in good health. But don’t want to live my years left with out an intimate relationship. From all I know about sex and intimacy it does bond a couple and reaffirms the bond. With out it you live like roommates like I have been doing for 14 years. I have had enough. I have written a 13 page letter stating all of my feelings to her and why I do things etc. I don’t want to leave but the desire to have a more meaningful life is getting the best of me. Even if I do not find someone right away, but with all the billions of people on the earth I am sure I can find someone.
John
Hello,
I got married in October 2015 so it’s just over two years for my marriage and I haven’t had sex in 20 months, I am 56 years old and my husband just turned 63 years old. I tried several times to initiate sex but it is a waste of time he doesn’t want to be touched. I told him that a marriage without sex is not healthy and we are only roommates he said that all you are thinking about is sex and I told him that’s not true, I said to him that I have feelings and a high sex drive of which he is not capable of handling, his remarks to me was go find a man to f–k you and I told him that I respect my vows so I will not do it. I asked him for a divorce and he said that he did not marry be to get divorce, I am so unhappy in my marriage its driving me crazy. I will try to get a divorce on the grounds of a sexless marriage.
Jeann…
I am a male. I don’t understand that. The real stuff far out performs any fantasy I could dream up especially to keep me from my wife! No, I don’t get it.
I don’t buy into the stuff that porn keeps a man away – there must be other reasons.
I’ve never known a guy to say he’d rather look at porn than the real thing. Or to say that he’s can’t get aroused because of porn. You can’t touch a 2 dimensional image.
Admittingly, I’m 50 so excessive physical performance can make it more difficult… for instance, I can’t jog and maintain erection; the same is sort of true when I’m on top missionary. What will happen is it will take a very very long time for me to even get close to fruition so I will need to try a different position.
I usually go with spooning and this seems to work extremely well for the both of us. She seems to enjoy it a lot! She won’t admit that she does and will certainly say sex is just not at all important to her but she loves it when she finally lets go. With spooning I can involve my hand so it always brings her there!
Not sure if your hubby is looking for more action from you but that is between you two to figure out I suppose.
I am so grateful,because there is a lot of problems in my marriage ? my wife refuses having sex with me for no reason and I am stil trying to find out what is the problem.this script has given me the opportunity to understand the causes of this proplem
I am still willing to have more guidance and councelling in marriage coz um still very junior in marriage ?.l wish I could fullfill my duties as husband to my wife in order to make her happy and like(need)sex.
I can remember how long it has been I would say over 4 years. I have tried to talk to him. He keeps on promising to go to the doctor but does not . I feel like his roommate and I fight the feelings of distance. I feel like I am in prison and no know s. He had a bad experience with Viagra. It’s not even me. Begging him almost destroyed my self
worth. His parents lived this way for years. Thanks for listening.
My wife never wanted sex how do you get round that
Females, by design of their DNA, have lowered sex drives as their fertility years wane. Men, who can have children most of their lives, have a sex drive that’s always on. Both of these aspects make for a health population (genetic diversity). The implication, however, is that men aren’t designed for monogamous relationships. Marriage depending on a single female’s sex drive will rarely, if ever, meet a man’s needs for sex. Women can fix that, of course, but they won’t. They have no incentive do to so, and every incentive to stop. We need to warn our young men about the dangers of a declining sex drive in women over 30 or so and to avoid the risks of marriage.
Well, sure seems that I have been paddling the same boat. I am past anger, masterbation and porn. Don’t see the point of it, just to get by. Frankly, at my age, I just don’t see the point in living. I’ve seen it all and it always ends up with the same deal at the end.
@GoodDad,
It sounds so sad hearing that some men are controlled by their sex drives and not their minds or hearts.
My prayers are with you.
Totally agreed with #GoodDad. My spouse’s sex drive tumbled during menopause, and so was our rate of sexual intimacy. I thought it would get better after menopause, but it got worse, even to the point of no sex, at all, as I kept getting rejected every time I made a move. It’s now at the point where there’s no more sex, since there’s no more sexual desire from either of us for each other. My spouse seems to like it this way, and I have found a way to satisfy my need; I like it this way, too. We have been living a happy sexless life for almost three years now. A miracle!
I find this article interesting especially because of who sent it to me. So women are to blame for the sexual problems that arise in a marriage? Fits my spouses thinking quite well. What if no matter how much sex/intimacy the spouse gets they still seek sex outside of the marriage? The spouse doesn’t see the issues with this. These actions are not supposed to affect the sexual relationship between the husband and wife. The husband should be able to cheat on his wife and she is supposed to just deal with it and continue to have sex like nothing has happened? I don’t think so. 20 years of infidelity take a toll on a woman and the man doesn’t even care what it has done to her, she is just to put out anyway. No intimacy comes from the husband, but it is all demanded from the wife. If not given, she is degraded and belittled to no end because it is her fault. He gets sex monthly, yeah I know men need more, but he belittles so much what he does get that it sure doesnt fester the want to give more. It has never been a no sex at all marriage, but am I expected to just do it anyway even though he continues to seek it elsewhere? He has no morals and has no value for the marriage vows he took.
I think the statement that men arent meant to be monogamous is bull, just an excuse to justify cheating.
Your #1,#2 and #3 are spot on for me. After +30 years of marriage with substantially different sex drives, I’m now just passing time until the last tiny bit of desire for intimacy fades to black. Honestly, when the pattern is cast in stone for so long, I can’t really see it being changeable. Wasn’t always bad, there were brief moments that gave me “hope” just never enough for sustaining the level of initimacy that could have made a marriage truly great. It always quickly faded back to the norm….. I have spent countless hours self analyzing, trying different things, being/trying to be a different (better) husband…. Obviously failed since these words are here. We have many things in our relationship that would make most couples jealous: two fantastic (and now grown children); no financial worries, friends, and family so maybe my problem is being so close to having “it all” but realizing it will never be. At this stage for me, We’re partners with people and “things” in common… a bit scary as we prepare for retirement but I’m hoping different hobbies and interests consume enough time to maintain a “status quo”.
I would never consider divorce. Can’t cause that much grief to her or my daughters. Never really “wanted” another woman anyway, I’ve truly only wanted the one that I married but could never really have. Now I’m just wishing this hole in my heart from many years would finally just scar over and release me from the pain of “longing for my wife”.
boy do i resonate with the last husband. in 40 years I have tried absolutely everything from flowers to candlelight baths, making meals, taking her on special holidays , surprise dates etc. but nothing changes. asked her to watch the passion of pursuit videos – she said she watched them but refused to talk about them.
and we too are moving into retirement and am thinking already about what I will keep myself busy so i dont have to face the constant rejection .
very alone
I`m 64 and my wife is 50, we`ve been together for close to 30 yrs. About 8 yrs ago I had a severe spinal injury at work. Our sex life ended that day. It took almost 4 yrs to convince her that I could perform in bed. We had a glorious night. But it took 2 more yrs to talk her into another night. I made sure she had all she wanted. But now it`s been almost another 2 yrs and we have talked about it and she says she has no more desire to have ANY sex. I`ve tried everything I can think of but she just says she doesnot want any, I`m at the end of my rope, I just don`t want to throw 30 years away just on sex. I`m not handling it very well, depressed alot. Now she has went back to work and I can`t work so she gets to co-mingle with friends and I`m stuck at home, so her desire for me has completely vanished. I might be able to handle it easier if we were close to family but my family is 1200 mi away and hers is further. Lost, and thinking of ending it for me, between my back pain and my emotional pain it becoming very hard to cope.
@Robert Smith… I am glad you reached out. I’m so sorry for the pain and loneliness you are experiencing.
Not exactly sure what you mean by your comment “thinking of ending it for me,” but if you are thinking of hurting yourself, I I encourage you not to do that. Express to your wife the depth of your sadness and that you want the two of you to work toward healing the disconnect between you.
I don’t know the extent of your limitations because of your back, but if you can get out of the house at all, I encourage you to find something in your community to become involved with. I’m not trying to over-simplify your situation. Just offering suggestions.
Have you considered counseling? If your wife won’t go with you, you may find it beneficial to go on your own. I see a counselor once a month and am very grateful for the insights of a professional.
I hope some of this sparks some ideas on how to express to your wife what you’re going through and what you can do to find healthy ways to cope.
Thanks for these articles, my story is one that involves his best friend alcohol. He has thankfully quit drinking, but the sex is gone, not that it was great because alcohol just makes things not work as well as they should. Not sure how to proceed from here we are both in counseling but not really helping get to the bottom of issues I am tired after 34 years of marriage to be reduced to roommates is not what I desire but he is fine so sad and yet when I bring it up I am “overreacting “
Wow so sorry that so many are in the same boat. Here is my story.. Married for 18 years with 2 teenage boys that we both love a lot. We are both in early 50ies. He’s a great father but never around as he has worked odd hours during most of our marriage. I typically go to bed alone and spend weekend evenings without him taking care of the kids or just staying home. It’s a very lonely life. We have very limited intimacy and it does not appear to bother him one bit. He is very into his hobbies that we do not share interest in including Breweriana shows, minor league baseball games and going to baseball games at stadiums he’s never gone to before. He also travels a lot. Most of his friends are older brewery collectors or not married. He lives like he is single and maybe my fault as I let him do so all these years while I was hurting and lacking intimacy all along. I became depressed and resentful and probably not a fun person to be around. I recently accidentally looked at a recent phone bill with call detail and noticed that he had been having many conversations with an old girlfriend that he has been friends with for years. She sends him chocolate every Christmas. I met her once years ago and never felt that she was any threat to our relationship but had no idea that they talked on the phone so much. When I first found out I was devastated and convinced that he was having an affair with her even though he denied it stating that they only talk about sports and my son’s sports and never about us.. He said he had no desire to get involved in that “nonsense” and that he loved me and the boys. I was more devastated because he does not spend time to talk to me and here he is having a relationship with someone that he obviously feels very comfortable talking to about things that interest him. I don’t think they get together in person much at all and I believe him when he said that there is nothing there with her…. I confronted him and told him that I need intimacy and that things were not good between us and I wanted to work on making things better before it’s to late. For the next two nights when he got home from work late he initiated having sex with me. We have been saying good morning and good night and sleep a bit closer together. I still feel a tremendous amount of distance and feel like he is not interested in me at all. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that intimacy is not for him. I really don’t know if I can live a life of no closeness. I lived several years resenting him and thinking I didn’t love him anymore but have come to the realization that I really do love him and that resentment took over my true feelings. We have a beautiful family and want to save the marriage but not sure I can live with lack of intimacy as I need the closeness to be happy. Sex once a month would be okay but once or less a year is really hard for me to stay connected.
My current situation in my marriage has hit roomate status and I’m very sad about this my did had a tendency to punish our sex life when something is not going rite or even anything that I might have done right cookie punishments I call it and the saddest part is I’m getting used to no sex and it’s ripping us apart slowly but surely I’m always encouraged by your articles alas shes very stubborn when I would share the articles with her she always has son smart explanation for it I’m still praying hard for God to heal.and restore my marriage back to intemacy status
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I am a 60 year old female been married 30 years my husband is 56. Have not had sex in 20 years now. Not only have I not had sex, I could probably live without it at this point, however, it’s not just no sex for 20 years there also has been NO kissing, hugging, holding my hand, even putting a pat on my back saying i appreciate you. nothing, nothing physically, nor mentally or emotionally. We are room mates that is for sure and I am so lonely that I do cry at night by myself in my bedroom with my little dog by my side. If it wasnt for the love of my little dog I don’t know what I would do. I know that sounds stupid to some of you but my dog is really all I have left. We never had kids and my family doesn’t live in the same state as we do nor does his. He seems fine to just go on day after day year after year like this and never ever says one word about us not being intimate. I would love just to be able to lay on the sofa and watch a movie together but not even that he won’t do. He lays on the sofa watching a movie and I go in my room and watch what I want and then we go to bed in separate bedrooms. By the way, I have been told I look 50 not 60 have always kept my weight down, take care of myself and don’t smoke for drink so dont know what the problem is he will not communicate and yes, I have brought up the no sex and no kissing, hugging and he just doesn’t say anything. i hate being lonely but realize this is the way it will always be. if I had the financial means yes, i would leave him.
I have not had sex with my husband for seven months now. He always asks and I don’t feel like it and I refuse. Quite frankly I don’t care and don’t want to talk to him about it. Can’t see why the big fuss
What if we looked at refusing intimacy with your spouse is in essence that you have abandoned them?
The partner who cares less has more power in the relationship. A relationship consists of honesty and sharing everything even the past hurts needing healing and also being fully committed to the health of the Mutual Relationship.
There is a time “to put the gloves on the table” WE will work on this problem or else. Warning you just may find out they really don’t care about saving the relationship. That will be the shock of your life.
Marriage is the commuted intimate relationship between two people in every area not just lovemaking. 1st Cor 7:5 Do not defraud one another.
“Pretending to be happily married but really living a silent divorce” is not truthful or honest.
Lastly before tackling the intimacy problem have a spiritual checkup and make sure that You are right with your LORD. You need to be “right” with HIM, to have the wisdom to proceed…
Christ can heal every problem we need to ask and we need to let Him. But you can’t just “pray about it” you need to do that, BUT also, talk to your spouse, learn, research, confront, seek help…
I am in my early 40s & my husband late 40s. We have not had sex in nearly 3 years. It is him not me. I am constantly asking him why, he chooses to sleep in the spare room always making excuses that he can’t be woken by our daughter during the night. She is now 4 & he started sleeping in this spare room while I was pregnant. I have come to the conclusion that he is asexual & a narcissist. Daily tantrums and ocd. I’m exhausted & im emotionally empty to our relationship. He watches porn & masterbates in the privacy of his own bubble. Gave him an ultimatum to start sleeping back in our bedroom & have sex before end of March or move out. I’m still young and don’t want to live this life for another 30 years.
I feel like room mates now, but I’d move out from this guy because he is so hard to live with at times because of his OCD issues & tantrums.
Oh and everything is my fault. He deflects everything onto me. It’s hard work as I feel like I’m constantly defending myself. I’m not allowed to give our daughter treats like ice cream but then I find out when he picks her up from kindy they get ice creams.
Most of the time I don’t know where I stand, he has successfully broken me down to second guess my actions and now with holding sex I feel like he is holding power and doesn’t actually want sex just the fantasy of it.
To the author or anyone that wants to comment:
I am in a relationship where marriage has been discussed and even If we choose to marry our circumstance/situation will not allow us to have a sexual relationship. But we still want to marry. Our relationship is not based on a sexual relationship. Of course we want to but it is not possible at this time. Do you think we can have a successful marriage?
Go for it you don’t need sex if you don’t want it. I’ve been married for over 50years and sex stopped about 10 years from our honeymoon. And that’s life 40 to 35 years without sex, she was just so boring and never got better.
Lots of emotional pain inflicted on the partners that want sex. So sad! Otherwise if you aren’t Hungry the other person doesn’t need to be either! So much emotional damage is caused like this. The person who is supposed to love you the most deliberately chooses to harm you. Wow! Love is selflessness. Not selfishness.
I am sorry if this sounds bias, but I am a 4t year old African American male. My faith is deep and has been incredibly challenged through out my life.I personaly am not a big fan of sex. To me, it’s smelly, time consuming, messy and is very overrated.I love my faith, but have mixed views on sex in marriage.
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Regardless of difference in sex drives, there is the need to fulfill your role as a wife and as a husband.
Normally the struggle is for a woman to push past her lack of drive for sex and for a man to push past the inability to be emotionally available.
It is the great impasse that only selflessness can overcome.
If one party holds to self centeredness then the whole structure of trust and intimacy collapses.
For me it only take about a week before I start thinking something is seriously wrong in my marriage if my wife and I have not had sex.
Even though I have made this very clear and my wife has understood this like a lightning bolt from heaven, she still seems to think it is ok to ignore me weeks sometimes months at a time even though every time I find new ways to take her orgasm up a notch.
Though she fluctuates in and out of sickness she uses sickness as an excuse it is more about she doesn’t feel like it.
She is quite capable or running around all day helping charity leeches giving and giving endlessly then flaking having nothing for me or her children but can’t give me 5 minutes to even say hello while I’m off work for 4 weeks holiday.
I made the point well if you don’t want to help me sexually you won’t mind if you help me find someone who will?
She is horrified me a Christian man propose such an arrangement.
My point though is she won’t help me sexually and yet detests the idea of me even thinking about someone else let alone seeking someone else, yet she can’t be bothered to tend her own garden.
Guess it is the same Socialist philosophy that comes from feminism that what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine.
It does get applied to our finances, our time and clearly sex too.
Wish most women in the 21st would grow up and stop being little children but then I guess there are many men like this today too.
The era of when women and children rule over the men.
Intolerable and time to leave.
I’m 43, I take care of myself, exercise dress nice, get my hair and nails done. I’m a devoted mother, my life evolves around my family, but I have a sexless life.
My husband is my best friend, we hold hands and hug, but that’s it!!! It’s been seven years! I’m lonely, I feel unattractive as a result of this, resentful and trapped. I feel like I’m wasting my most attractive years in this plain, boring, vanilla existence.
I don’t want the mess a divorce brings especially for my children, but when I think about the sexless marriage that lies ahead I feel angry, sad and extremely resentful. The shame stops me from discussing this with anyone and I find myself imagining a different life with a different man. I’m a Christian. I take my vows seriously, so I won’t cheat, but I don’t know what to do? I’m confused and upset. I long to be adored and loved. I have raised this many times in many different ways- there is never an answer, I’ve encouraged him to talk to a counsellor, but he always has an excuse. I wonder if he’s gay and maybe doesn’t acknowledge it in himself, he’s not the cheating type, I trust him, yet there are still so many unanswered questions.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I’m 30 got married 7 months ago saved myself for marriage only to be let down and seeing that our marriage seems like it’s going to be a sexless one. Already feels like we’re just roommates. Communication is bare but I try to initiate only to be palmed off.
But seeing all the husbands comment on here wishing for there wives to be intimate…just makes me wish that that was my husband longing for me.
Hurts so bad that I cry myself to sleep longing for intimacy. My hopes and dreams of a loving and intimate marriage has slowly faded. I know divorce isn’t the answer and trying to hang on to try and resolve this issue but I feel like I’m in prison and thinking that maybe divorce may be the answer.
Sounds like I’m not alone. Married 9yrs was sure the sex would get better but it never did. She’s in love with food and Facebook. I feel empty emotionally an physically. I do get the time of day when I hit the bottom of the barrel but what’s the point in that. Now all I can really do is hope life ends sooner then later.
Bummer,
Sounds like I’m not alone. Married 9yrs was sure the sex would get better but it never did. She’s in love with food and Facebook. I feel empty emotionally an physically. I do get the time of day when I hit the bottom of the barrel but what’s the point in that. Now all I can really do is hope life ends sooner then later. Really sad to see so many other people in the same boat
B
We are in need of help? we can’t have sex due to physical incompatibility. I’m too small he’s too big, doctors have confirmed this all. We saved ourselves for marriage as well and are Christian as well. I have reached the end of my holding strength… so badly desire to have a fulfilling sexual life… we’ve not been consummated our wedding bed ?? and we’ve only been married for 4 years. The pain and sadness we are both experiencing is unbearable because we love one another. But the sex issue has become increasingly worse… what can people add to this? We have literally tried everything possible: operations on me, sex therapy, Physio, counseling, differs positions, lubes, foreplay… nothing’s helped… my anatomy is very narrow. If no one can say something… can’t you people please keep us in prayer for wisdom and peace about what we need to do. The idea on losing one another hurts so so so much! But we need to be realistic ???? please help
Sorry, but this is distinctly sick. Let’s face it: the article is aimed at women, not at men. It is not a woman’s job to keep a man sexually satisfied. She is not his property to do what he wants.
You don’t need sex to be happy. You don’t need marriage to be happy.
My hubby of almost 16 years and I are “intimate” 1-2 times a month and he admitted at one point it’s just sex. I’ve asked him if it’s me he isn’t happy with my body or something else with me, or if it’s a physical issue with him or if he’s attracted to someone else. He just basically said that’s he isn’t having an affair. We were virgins when we married and I dont know if it’s fear on his part because things were so taboo or if there is another issue. How can I get him to talk and be truthful without sounding like a nagging wife. It really is because I desire physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, but I feel like he doesn’t want or need anything from me.
We got married in 1994. She conceived our child within a month. Her interest in sex tapered off to nil by the end of the 1st trimester. After (c-section) delivery, she had zero interest in sex. Suspecting it was just hormonal, I gave her a year and a half without bringing up the subject again. When I casually did, her response to me was, “Sex, sex, SEX! That’s all you MEN ever think about!” An icy wave overwhelmed me. I felt my heart pound, a chill in my chest and spine spine, and sweat upon my brow. It was like a shock. A rejection felt to the very core of my being. As if what I had asked for something so perverse or disgusting. As if I had deeply hurt and disappointed her. I never asked or initiated again from that moment on. We’ve been living like this for 24 years now. Together but separate. Reliving that moment in my mind, through mental self-flagellation, I learned to reject my sexuality, as a coping mechanism. To give my life meaning, I work long hours, pay all the bills, do most of the housework and repairs. There is no intimacy. Not physical or emotional. No deep talks or personal feelings shared. There is no humor. No fun. No laughter. No joy of any kind. Just day-to-day responsibilities and drudgery. The longer we’ve remained in this state, the better I’ve become at detaching from everything, and that goes far beyond the bounds of our marriage. Anhedonia is a side-effect. Life offers ZERO pleasure or reward. Life has no feeling. Food has no flavor. I’ve pushed all friendships aside because I get nothing from them, and it feels to disingenuous to pretend otherwise. Today is day, 8883 since we last made love or even saw each other disrobed for that matter. I have kept to my vows but these two plus decades have seemed more of a prison sentence than what I imagined marriage would have been.
To Repressed – your story is very sad and like all of us on this forum we are longing to be loved it’s more than just sex or the act of a 10 minute romp in the bedroom. The reason I am replying to your situation is you are giving this woman way too much CONTROL over your life, over your being, over who you are as a man and as a person, you are giving her way to much control over your life in every way. Why should she have so much importance to have this kind of negative influence to your life. She has destroyed everything beautiful in your life because you are giving her way to much crredit. You are making her be to important in your life. You have to let it go – let it all go and you can live outside of the prison she has emotionally and physically put you in. There is so much to live for, so much to do out there, so much life to live Friends are important in our lives but you have let her take that away from you to. Please don’t keep shutting yourself off from the world you are worth so much more I am sure.
Hello. My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have a beautiful teenage daughter. We had an energetic sex life until menopause came on the scene. After menopause everything changed. My wife didn’t want to be touched in any form or fashion. No hugs or kisses. Sex almost began non existent. I have a high sex drive so continued trying to express my emotions by hugging and kissing. She began rejecting me with anger so I stopped completely. Instead of going through the pain, I just refocused my attention to friends, family, job, and the gym. I had to do something because I began to feel depress, lonely and extremely resentful of her rejections. Nonetheless, after I developed a new mindset, she began to say that I didn’t love her anymore and she felt like we were only roommates. When I explained to her how we arrived at this point, she became speechless and reflect back to her menopause situation. It’s a no win situation but I love her and my daughter and I’m not willing to let it all go based on sex alone. At age 55. I’ve been there done that and have no interest in turning back the hands of time.
Holy Crap Randy.. That’s my story to a T.. I’m at a complete loss for i feel as i have lost my bestfriend and world. We went from couldn’t get enough to nothing.. To the point it’s awkward to even change clothes in front of each other and bed full of what i call a pillow bunker all around her to where i can’t even put my arms around her anymore.. She won’t talk about it at all.. I’m not a cheater but i sure miss what we had till Menapause came to town , and i don’t really know if that’s to problem.. Don’t know, i do know this, I miss the Lady i fell in Love with.. I don’t know what to fix if she won’t talk.. I still do all my goofy I love you stuff,, notes rolled up in the TP she finds when in the pooper and hidden in odd places for her to find out of the blue, flowerz, poems I’ve wrote for her..i still do this stuff as if it was when we first got together and i can’t seem to stop hoping one day the Lady i fell in Love with has the hots for me as i still do since day 1..
I feel for both the men and women posting here. After my hysterectomy I had zero sex drive and it really became a bone of contention between us. My husband began to research what if anything could be done to help me. What he found quite honestly saved our marriage. I’m on BHRT. It’s expensive but so worth it. I’m a new woman and desire my husband like when we were newlyweds! Needless to say we’re making up for lost time and loving every minute of it❣️
Ann, I’ve found that all the Bible reading, praying, hobbies, masturbation w/ or w/o porn do not take the place of a wife who doesn’t think anymore about sex or being sexy at all! There’s a longing in this 62 yr. old heart for the emotional/sexual connection that has been missing for many years. This does cause a man to become depressed and feel very neglected, no matter all the other ”blessings” in his life! And to be the more emotional of the two of us makes matters worse, because she can just compartmentalize everything and move on, happy as can be! Ya right, I thought only men did that. NOT! I don’t know how many other men are in this spot, but it sucks really bad, and not the oral sex meaning of that! Btw, ”pleasing” her husband sexually is very much the last thing on her mind, and I’m a very loving husband.
It has been since 2009 , that was the last time. He doesn’t offer I’ve asked why and he says, until I ( meaning me ) need to have more confidence in myself. What does that have to do with it? I want him as much now as I did then. I have put on a little weight but not that much. Yes I’m older, so is he. It hurts so bad. The 19th of this month is our 25th anniversary, ,, of WHAT? I don’t know what to do anymore.
I have to admit that we have been without sex for well over 35 years. I had a hysterectomy and have no desire for sex and the husband has Erectile dysfunction and he could care less about sex. At this point in our lives we pretty much hate each other. We don’t live under the same roof any more. Haven’t divorced and probably won’t to much invested in our lives.
It hurts my feelings..i feel ignored and unloved on this sexless marriage..i always initiate sex and get rejected..there are times i cried when im alone in the house and my husband is at work..i dont know i cant help it..i cry for no reason i guess..😥🙄😥
I am married 25 years to a man 14 years my senior. Sex the first I’d say 15 years was great ..the last 10 pretty much non existent. I am 50 and still feel very young and have a high sex drive.i have always been faithful to my husband, up until recently I have stepped out of my marriage with two different men. I understand stand ED is very common with older men, but jeez he has not initiated oral sex or anything. Hasn’t considered my feelings and wants. Last time he tried about a month ago, I just could not get in to it . It’s like living with a roommate. He has not even kissed me passionately in years. I know cheating is wrong but I justify it due to his lack of at least trying to please me. I am 50, in terrific shape and very attractive and look ten years younger and I ways have younger men flirting with me . I don’t believe in cheating but I’m not sure what to do at this point. Anybody who thinks a sexless marriage can survive is kidding themselves. You will wind up cheating ..I don’t care who you are or what your beliefs are.
I have read comments, so here is my story. Married 25 years. She is 60 and I am 55. . Sex for the first 5 years was good. or at least I thought so and she said so. Then in 1999 she said she did not want to have sex anymore and did not know why. I tried to initiate sex many times but she did not want to. Over the years she has gone to several doctors and they all say they can find nothing wrong. It has been over 20 years now. I feel I have been cheated out of 20 yrs of my life. I also stayed home to care for her as she battled 3 yrs of cancer, and still she does not want me to touch her. I have tried to be understanding, but now the kids are grown and we could do so much together but she just wants to watch her TV and play video games. I am a man of my word, so I will not leave her but feel I am being punished for being a good husband. I would rather die than to live another day like this, or to break my vow to her
We are roommates, nothing more for 5 years. Married in 1981, was great times, had 4 great kids, sex was still there. Then 12 years ago she started complaining about sex took too long, i was cuddling her too much in bed, so she now has a pillow between us, and sex dropped off. We fought and I cheated, wrong thing to do, moved out for 2 years, but she wanted me back. I went back, sex was good until menopause hit.
No sex in 5 years. Roomate staus again. I keep trying, but I get turned down each time. I started sleeping in guess room and she gets mad, but does not want to cuddle, kiss or have sex, but wants me in her bed.
I quit trying anything with her, she is more interested in ball games, phone, movies and social medial.
I am ready to cheat again, done being turned down eveeytime and she never initiates.