marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
How Long Can a Marriage Go Without Sex?
Mar
Well.
Some marriages go decades without sex, so the question of “can” doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter.
A better question is, “What happens when a marriage goes a long time without sex… for no justifiable reason?”
I always have to add that disclaimer in there, because there are some marriages plagued by chronic illnesses and injuries that make any kind of sexual intimacy impossible.
But most marriages? Yeah, in most marriages, sex IS an option. My guess is if you are reading this right now, sex IS an option in your marriage — yet it never or rarely occurs.
What does happen when a marriage goes a long time — maybe even years or decades — without sex?
Here are 10 things I think can happen (in no particular order).
Ongoing lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage…
1. Stirs resentment.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about soul mingling, which is a vital aspect of marriage that is found in no other human relationship. When I wrote the post “I like him better after we have sex,” I meant it.
Consistent and mutually-enjoyable sexual intimacy in a marriage equips us to extend grace, to be kinder toward one another, to do life together.
So it’s no wonder, that when you take sex out, resentment is eager to arrive on the scene.
2. Fosters distance.
I think we intuitively recognize when there is distance between us and our spouse. Distance is different than resentment, but still equally damaging.
Sex is a vivid reminder in a marriage that we are “in this together.” It’s not surprising that when couples report going long stretches without making love, they feel “distant” from one another.
And that distance begins to chip away at all the things that give marriage richness and strength — vulnerability, friendship, shared joys, common ground.
3. Reduces your marriage to roommate status.
Sure, the two of you pay the bills and run the house. You share the chores. You raise the kids. You mow the lawn. You decorate the Christmas tree. And you run the carpool.
BUT… without physical and emotional intimacy… all of that roommatish stuff barely qualifies as a high and holy definition of marriage.
I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar every time I heard someone express to me that their marriage exists, but it never thrives — in large part because of the lack of sex.
Roommate status in a marriage sucks. It just does.
4. Dishonors God.
God designed marriage and sex — and He designed them to go together.
He implores husbands and wives to make love often. He places a fundamental command on sex being exclusive to marriage. He created women and men both to be able to experience orgasm.
Sex is God’s deal — His arena — in a very big way.
So, suffice to say, when we marry, we are saying “yes” to sex being part of that covenant. We are saying “yes” to God. Take sex out of the covenant? How can we think that doesn’t dishonor Him?
5. Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity.
If we tried to count the number of Christian men and women who want to step out on their sexually unavailable spouse, we would be counting for awhile.
And that’s just counting the ones who want to, but don’t.
Let’s not even start counting the ones who actually do give into that temptation.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “affair proof” your marriage, because a spouse could go above and beyond their responsibility in the marriage, including being sexually available — and their spouse could still choose to cheat.
But I do think there are ways we can guard our marriages. Making love is one of those ways. When sex is non-existent, the spouse who hungers for it may be more tempted to loosen the reins on their marriage vows.
To not see some cause and effect in that whole scenario is careless.
Yes, adultery is a sin and there is no way to rationalize it.
But listen to the raw feelings of refused spouses, and it’s not too hard to see how they convince themselves that sexual indiscretion doesn’t matter at this point.
6. Sets a horrible example for kids.
Don’t kid yourself on this one (no pun intended). Your kids are learning about marriage from watching you. You may say, “Well, they don’t know anything about our sexual intimacy.”
You’re right that they aren’t privy to the details of what happens behind your closed bedroom door, but I guarantee you this. If nothing is happening behind that bedroom door, the collateral damage from that spills out into the rest of your life — you know, the life where your kids are present and paying attention.
See points 1, 2 and 3 for further insight.
7. Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom.
Satan is all about division, and he doesn’t really care how he goes about doing it. He is crafty and clever and will work with what we hand him.
When you willingly decide to take sex out of the marriage, the enemy is delighted. Why? Because he knows that anything designed by God — in this case, sex — is powerful. And holy. And worthy.
When a married couple stops having sex, Satan has gained a huge foothold. Division is so much easier when unity is no longer mutually valued.
8. Increases reliance upon masturbation as the only form of sexual fulfillment.
I don’t think masturbation in marriage is always a bad thing, and I’ve blogged about that here and here.
BUT… if it is happening often and only because someone’s spouse has arbitrarily removed sex from the marriage, then the negative impact starts to add up quickly.
When a husband and wife could be having sex, but aren’t — and one or both of them resort to masturbation — are we really that surprised?
If anything, it just confirms the power of sexual desire.
Even more heartbreaking is when the refusing spouse gives “permission” or “encouragement” to their spouse to “just take care of things themselves.”
How can we possibly think that’s God vision (or even your vision) for sex in a marriage?
9. Makes pornography look more enticing.
No, I am not justifying any sin, including the sin of pornography.
But we are a naive people if we believe for one moment that pornography doesn’t look more alluring to some people who are consistently sexually rejected within their marriage.
I know that pornography addiction is complex. I also know that I hear from many people who struggle greatly with pornography and are trying to stop looking at it. To feel as if there is no other option but pornography only compounds the problem.
Many couples, usually through the assistance of counselors and ministries, have overcome the betrayal of pornography. Without a doubt, a husband and wife eventually resuming healthy and active sexual intimacy is a part of that healing.
Again. A lot of this goes back to, “What are we doing to guard our marriage and our hearts?”
10. Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ.
If you are gung ho about serving in countless ways at your church — yet you know you are blatantly refusing your spouse sexually — then your Christian witness is hampered. I have no doubt about that.
There’s nothing wrong with using your talents and heart to serve the Lord outside your home, but if you are doing it at the expense of priorities in your home and in your marriage, then I encourage you to step back.
Take a good hard look. Be humble. And admit that this may be a blind spot for you.
The Lord is willing to meet you in that place of struggle — and in all the others I’ve listed to this point.
How long can a marriage go without sex?
Well. Like I already said… I don’t think that question really gets at the heart of the matter.
Do you?
For more reading on this, check out one of my favorite posts: Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I am open to any suggestions
my dear wife – I should say ex, we have been divorced
for 15 years – I loved very dearly. We hardly ever had
sex – maybe 2-3 times a year. She only tolerated
physical hugs for short periods of time and I began
to expect her arm or leg to push me away. I would
roll over in bed and wish that I was dead. There was
obivoiusly something about me that failed to impress
her. It could not have been her fault alone. I remember
going to a party once which included married couples
and I remember thinking that these husbands were
men, where as I am just a boy. I have struggled with
mental illness all my life – bipolar – maybe this tells the
story. She said to me years ago after a very minor
verbal argument that when the children leave home
she would leave too- about 15 years later when they
became adults – they all left home. Am I at the moment
feeling sorry for myself – yes- but I’ll get over it.
How long can a marriage go without sex? Apparently the better part of 23 years. And counting.
My husband and i been together for 5 years and 2 years marriage for the 1st 3 months we been together we have sex almost every night. But when we are away for 18.months he suddenly drop the intress of sex . I am only 31 and he is 41. I dont know what to do sometimes. Because i am only human being that need something. Now lucky if we have sex once a month or once every 3 months
My husband and i been together for 5 years and 2 years marriage for the 1st 3 months we been together we have sex almost every night. But when we are away for 18.months he suddenly drop the intress of sex . I am only 31 and he is 41. I dont know what to do sometimes. Because i am only human being that need something. Now lucky if we have sex once a month or once every 3 months. Sometimes i try to understand him because of his work. But sometimes i dont understand
Did he lost intress to me or i am not sexually attracted enough anymore? that i have no ability to make him want me??
I really don’t know?
I’m Daniel it’s been at least 6 yrs of no intamacy, we are married 35 yrs she was abbused as a child a fact I didn’t know of until 6 yrs into our marriage, we go to counciling together but I’m told not to push the issue by the councilor and I don’t but it is soo difficult to go without for soo long it makes me feel unwanted not important, we have no intamacy not even to sit with me watching a movie, I pray everyday for my Lord to fix our marriage please pray for us too it’s very difficult
H people. I too am un a sexless marriage. My husband found a sex site three days befire i had a hip reolacement. I didnt know. Then he would accidently leave the site ulp. Said they were aviatars that thats an icon for the site then i found a girl he was carrying on witj said he was hot. I felt devastated. Doesnt want a divorce biut doesnt understand my pain. Im trying to deal with it some days i fe like things will be olay When he watches the nudity showd it brings it all back
D… I certainly understand you Rita, I have tried so many different ways and things to get my wife’s attention maybe at least sit next to me I feel very unwanted, she’s told me in the past she doesn’t need me, and she will clean n cook but that she won’t be intamate, she asked if I’ve ever thought of being with someone else, I don’t understand I’m not overweight I take care of myself but still no intamacy at all, why? I have asked her if she has someone else she says no, but yet she ripped her phone from my hands when I was going to use it, but now she says you can use my phone now, I’ve prayed to God to guide me n give me strength to do the right thing… I’m just lonely …D
20 yrs married and the time between each sexual experience gets longer. My wife went outside of our marriage at our 18th year. It was and still is devastating to me because for that period of time she strayed, she refused to have sexual relations with me. I didn’t know any better at that time and she would always blame my constant need for her as the reason for not having sex with me. Night after night I gave patience a lengthy awakening and it still didn’t change her willingness to share herself with me. Many a nights I would stay up and think of immediate ways to end my feelings of hurt and feeling so insignificant. Her reasoning for being with another man was my fault and that I drove her to doing it with my yearnings for her intimacy. For me, holding her and our bodies being of one is meaningful and loving with reassurance that our spouse loves us equally/significantly. After I caught them I assured myself that my life here on earth had no value what so ever! I did not throw a pity party for myself rather I reached out to my brothers in Christ. Their significance in my life is unmeasurable. Without those few men that came to my rescue and led me back to Jesus, I would not have persevered through life greatest challenge for me. 2 and a half years later we are still together. The best and most closest time I felt connected to my wife was the following year after the infidelity. We have read books and sought out our church pastor for counseling and guidance. I am not perfect nor do I expect anyone to be, but I can feel our marriage slipping into the deep hollows it had once before. I can’t remember the last time my wife just kissed me or hugged me. Now with the diminshing ( almost obsolete) sex in our marriage I am haunted with those old thoughts of why does she not like being with me…. We have read quite a few marriage counseling books including the 5 love languages but our fast and busy lifestyle always conquers. I don’t know if I love her as much as I did when we were in our first years. We are literally just roommates that share a bedroom and kitchen. Praying that she might put more value on our relationship and its needs. I am truly faithful to her but feel pressured more each day to satisfy my own thirst outside our sacred bond of marriage. I explain to her that Satan is trying to get another foothold on us. She gets very defensive and for the most part portrays my want for simple affection the root of all evil and my own selfish desires. I am human, I hurt like any other person and when I am deprived and portrayed as the object of defeat. We have 3 children together and I need for her comprehension on the small amount of loving that our relegationship requires for stability and ongoing growth. I’m praying and ask everyone to pray for us that we are merely rowing through rough waters and eventually they will calm. My wife doesn’t realize that sex brings us closer together phyisacally and spiritually. We are in good moods and bond together in harmony. As for the distance incremently getting larger; I have and will continue to seek Gods will in our relationship. Writing is my source for therapy. If I verbalize my feelings of insignificance in our relationship or how much I at a moment in time am hurting I will be scorned for bringing up the past and not letting it go. Am I human to not possess the ability to just forget and never think of it again? You would think that our relationship would be bigger and stronger and capable of overcoming any major trauma and the lack of physical and meaningful action(sex) between two married people can be so detrimental in our growth and sacred bond of marriage. God united us to give of ourselves to our spouse the whole meaning of 2 are 1 “be fruitful and multiply” Like the saying ” together we stand and divided we fall”. If one spouse is holding out or redirects the problem to the other it can only be signs of unfaithfulness or one’s own selfish desires with subliminal path of of adversity( changing the path of being together forever). Sorry for getting on my soap box and letting go. I get a brief moment of relief and a sense that everything will get better after writing. I still lack the meaningful description of just HOW IMPORTANT REGULAR SEX IN A MARRIAGE IS! How it brings us closer together more frequently and builds our sacred bond of unity! Thank you God for giving your only begotten son that whosoever believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. My heart is scarred but not dead and this too shall pass!
KLG
My husband will not have sex with me, he does not like to be touched, sit close or cuddle at all. He offers no reason, even when we go out of town alone, or have the house to ourself, he is not willing. Discussions about it turn to faulting me for wanting sex. second marriage for both, I am 33 and he is 36. we have one child. each encounter has been further about till now its been over 6 months and nothing.
I definitely understand how you all feel. I got remarried after being with a man who was emotionally abusive. My second marriage was exciting during our dating years but diabetes and alcohol killed his ability to perform so he avoids trying at all. Unlike you, I am 50 and feel resentful everyday from the lack of intimacy and see my sex life over now. My husband is now more of a child/roommate that caused me feel more distant and alone daily. I feel depressed and alone by this.
I’m so sorry Chelly, I think I know how you feel I don’t know what to do anymore, I actually find myself remembering a past love and how she was so attentive to me, in all manors I know its wrong but im only human and am sexually starving, please pray about your situation that’s what I do, im still waiting for an answer the only thing is im getting old 55 but I still have a desire to be needed or wanted, but I’m praying for all of you, I miss talking to a woman I mean really talking my wife doesn’t like talking about our issues we have no intamacy and I miss that soo much I honestly don’t think I remember how to be intamate with a woman ?
I’m so sorry Chelly, I think I know how you feel I don’t know what to do anymore, I actually find myself remembering a past love and how she was so attentive to me, in all manors I know its wrong but im only human and am sexually starving, please pray about your situation that’s what I do, im still waiting for an answer the only thing is im getting old 55 but I still have a desire to be needed or wanted, but I’m praying for all of you, I miss talking to a woman I mean really talking my wife doesn’t like talking about our issues we have no intamacy and I miss that soo much I honestly don’t think I remember how to be intamate with a woman ? Please don’t lose your faith
I have been married for 20 years and can count the times on 1 hand that we have had sex. As mentioned above in the article, lack of intimacy has distanced me from my husband, I am nothing but disappointed in all these years and have so much resentment built up that I can never get too point of forgiveness for anything. I have put up with so much crap and to have nothing given back. Words mean nothing, actions do. I love my husband, but I am not in love with him, he is a roommate not a soulmate. At 55 I have lost my best years, nothing to show for 20 years and our home is miserable. Every time we discuss divorce, somehow we settle on what is gonna be better at our age after 20 years. To me, anything is better than making each other miserable. I don’t want to be ugly, mean and demeaning, but there is too much built up and with no intimacy all this time, it is difficult to feel anything.
I know how you feel. My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 2. We don’t sleep in the same bed, he chooses the couch. We don’t sit near each other, we don’t hold hands, and we have sex MAYBE once a year. When we do he doesn’t kiss me or touch me. I find myself getting jealous of my children sometimes because they get more attention from him than I do. I am SO lonely. I honestly think I could handle no sex if he would at least wrap his arms around me and show me physical affection. How am I supposed to feel loved, to feel safe, or protected?
For Julie: hi I’m Joe my marriage is in the desart no intamacy at all not even to sit next to me much less sex it’s been several years, my question is I have chosen not to sleep with her I sleep in other bedroom, because there’s no intamacy and also when she sleeps she sometimes talks and if I listen I could make out her words and they sound like sexual words and moaning and heavy breathing maybe it’s just a dream but it breaks my heart so I’m asking you was my desisions right to sleep in other room as we are roommates anymore and I’m soo tired of trying to be and look attractive for her in hopes she would look at me and be interested in me ? ? Thank you
For Julie: hi I’m Joe my marriage is in the desart no intamacy at all not even to sit next to me much less sex it’s been several years, my question is I have chosen not to sleep with her I sleep in other bedroom, because there’s no intamacy and also when she sleeps she sometimes talks and if I listen I could make out her words and they sound like sexual words and moaning and heavy breathing maybe it’s just a dream but it breaks my heart so I’m asking you was my desisions right to sleep in other room as we are roommates anymore and I’m soo tired of trying to be and look attractive for her in hopes she would look at me and be interested in me ? ? Thank you I know how “feeling lonely ” feels and I probably shouldn’t say this but I wish I could meet this woman and maybe we will connect I’m so sorry but that’s where I’m at “starving with no food in site!
21 years of marriage and its been 6 months since my husband and I have had sex. Before that it had been over a year. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to show any affection toward me or advances. I’m not even sure if he knows. What I do know is this…
My husband tells me everyday he loves me. He shows me in how hard he works and provides for me and our home. He tells me in words and providing, but not in intimacy and touch. Is it enough? No!
I can get that from my father. A husbands love is unique in that it goes Much deeper . I am at my wits end and have tossed the thoughts of divorce over and over in my mind. What stops me every time is the biblical causes for divorce. My husband has not ever cheated on me. So for now I just stay and pray!
My wife and i have been married for over 12 months but she wont kiss me (never has)and gets very emotional when it comes to sex. My wife cites a loveless childhood and abusive parents and siblings as turning her off being intimate. I am also over weight and that also bothers her a lot but she often says it doesn’t then changes her mind. I am seriously at the end of my tether and feel i am only one in. She isnt a Chjristian where i am i met her online and we married in Philippines her family dont communicate with her i am not sure i cam handle this relationship much longer although i really would like to make it work but i seem to be the only one.. I am desperate for help
I’ve been married to my 2nd husband for 34 years. Intimacy has diminished over the past 9 years d/t his issues with ED related to diabetes and hypertension meds. As a nurse, I totally understand but as a woman with normal desires, I feel resentment. I know it bothers him so I don’t dare share my inner feelings about being trapped in a sexless marriage. Feel that divorce would be disobedience to a convenant made to God. I love him but hate that the passion is essentially gone. Since he is retired and I am still working full time, I feel used as the primary breadwinner with no fringe benefits. Selfish huh?
Kathy
Like “Twenty years of nothing” above. In the first years before/after marrying, we enjoyed sex. Then, she allowed sex but a few times a year. In 2006, I sat her down and formally said “I am losing you in the bedroom. I am losing my fantasy and my lust of you.” My plea went unheard. Two years later, I stopped. Not even a real kiss since. I hold disdain and no interest. I’ve honorably awaited our daughters independence. I feel guilty. Paralyzed. Weak. We’ve talked about divorce. She doesn’t want it. Why would she? Its up to me to leave. I haven’t yet. I feel my vows. 28 years married.
Hello Everyone. My husband will not be physically intimate with me either. Our discussions of the matter turn into arguments. In the past he was unfaithful…I forgave him. He says his sinful past keeps him from me??? In the past three years maybe we had sex three times. It has been over a year since the last time, which I had to beg for. I won’t ever beg for physical intimacy again. I am so tired of living with a roommate not a husband. I am 53 and still full of energy and I want a healthy sex life. I resent my husband. I use to love him more than anything else and want to please him…now I want to avoid him.
We have been married 30+ My spouse has had at least 2 affairs. We are still together, although we have sex, intamaicy is void.
We have always had “a lot of good sex” but learned it was never “passionate ” The phrase, I love you, but I’m not in love with you breaks my heart. I am very interested in sex, should I pursue my spouse sexually?
Or move on. I will not stay through another affair
Bill…
I hope you see this since you posted back in July. I’m in the same boat you are except we never had any intimacy really before even got married. I think I was in a vulnerable place and just kind of jumped in too fast. I have tried everything to make it better but nothing really seems to help. He’s very manipulative and tries to turn it around on me. The one thing that really noticed I was how you blame to your mental issues. Please please don’t ever do that. I’m almost in tears now because I myself have suffered from anxiety and OCD a lot of my life. It was under control and I was doing so well until this marriage. So please don’t beat yourself up over your bipolar issues or any other issues you have. That is you. You are fine and you are good enough for anyone. Do not let that define you. I’m at the point where I’m ready to get out of my marriage. I hate it and it’s cost me even more stressed which has my anxiety worse. Maybe this is why are your issues are worse because you’re not getting your needs met. Feel free to respond. Much love and peace. Jennifer
I had an affair on my wife in 2010 after we went almost a year without making love. I am not justifying it, but it happend. Over the last 6 years we have made love or had sex maybe 15 times. It’s very tough. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman. It isn’t just the sex I want, it’s the making love.
My wifes desire for me has dropped of dramatically in the last few years. She says its because of menopause, and I dont doubt that, but I had to have my prostate removed 6 months ago and she understood that attemting sex was needed to promote bloodflow for healing, and still very little attention. 32 years of marriage is starting to seem more like a sentence than a commitment.
I’m only 25 and I have been married for 4 years, but been together for 8 years. My wife and I have 2 beautiful children. For the last 4 years since just before we got married my wife only has sex with me if I’m lucky 1 time a month. Sometimes goes 6 months without sex. I don’t understand why
I’m young, stay fit, I provide for my family but in the last 4 Years the only time we have sex is “pity” sex. What I mean is she has not started it in that long. I try being romantic, I try New things, I even make sure stuff gets done at home to make sure she is not tired. I tried talking to her about it and she gets so angry when I bring it up 🙁 . I don’t know what to do. Being this young and not being able to enjoy alone time with my wife is killing my inside. On top of that the feeling of rejection from your own wife has no words. I have been faithful ever since I been with her. That’s 8 years total. Trying to make sense here but all I’m doing is typing what I’m feeling. I love this woman so much and I couldn’t stand losing time with my kids if I walked away, minimal sex is not a reason to doubt your marrige or is it?
…..
My wife and I met in 2002 and were married in 2004. (I was previously married from 1994 and divorced in 2001.)
I am a very affectionate person and enjoy touch. I knew that she wasn’t quite as affectionate as me, but it was ok. We have two children born in’07 and ’09 and she has been unable to shed the weight that she gained. We have not had sex in about 18 months and she never talks to me. I think that instead of being honest with me and saying that she is not comfortable with herself, she instead blames me for anything that I might have done. The only time in the last year that she has been interested in talking to me was when I asked her the other night if she wanted a divorce. I essentially just asked a question in order to probe and find out what’s going on…….. and now we are moving forward with a permanent split. She told me that it wasn’t fair to the kids and it would confuse them if they had to go back and forth between the two of us so it would be better if she had full custody and I left.
I just wish that she would have talked to me more about her wants and her needs but she never wanted to discuss personal issues like that. I am too old to start over (45) and I have lost everything. This will be especially hard for my oldest daughter who is nine. She and I have a very special bond and always seem to be on the same page. She listens intently when I am having a life talk with her. This is ripping my heart apart right now as I type this. I just don’t know how I will be able to cope with never seeing my daughters again. It might not sound very “manly” but I have looked forward to all those future events like high school grad, drivers license, first car, teasing their first boyfriends, weddings, career choices, etc. etc. etc. My whole world is crumbling away and I can’t stop it. I have always said that I would do absolutely anything for my girls and I meant it. I know that the pain that I am feeling will get much worse before it ever gets better. I just pray that the sacrifice that I am making is worth it.
@cody marriagehelper911 may be able to help. Joe Beam’s organization. I would encourage you to check it out.
I am deeply hurt, embarrassed, ashamed of myself all of the time and slowly breaking down emotionally. I cry often in bed and sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I cry in the bathroom.
I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 2 of them. Since we’ve been together he rarely initiates sex with me and doesn’t seem to like kissing me or touching me in a sexual way. Even when I’m naked in front of him, he doesn’t glance in my direction at all. I feel unwanted, undesireable and sometimes I’m disgusted by his lack of interest in me sexually.
When I initiate intimacy, I feel like I’m forcing him to be intimate with me and it makes me feel like a terrible person for wanting to enjoy something with him that he really doesn’t want to do.
Before we were married he would blame his lack of interest on stress and worry over making me fall pregnant before marriage. So I had hoped that things would change when we got married. They have not changed.
We are now talking about having children and I am so afraid that I will be so emotionally broken that it will have a negative effect on our children.
I know God requires us to be selfless in marriage and serve the needs of our partners over our own. I’ve been trying to do this and some days I forget about sex but most times I feel cheated of a real marriage. I feel more like a room mate and friend than a wife.
It is so difficult to imagine the years ahead of us without intimacy. I don’t just want to be his friend or his roommate. I want more, I want to feel wanted and desired by him. I need to feel like he needs me physically. It is too painful to think that I will continue to feel this way for the rest of my married life. I don’t know how much longer I can be the wife God intended when I am so deeply hurt by my husband’s lack of intimacy with me.
I want to stop feeling this way but am finding it more and more difficult to suppress my desires and feelings of hurt and insecurity.
I just don’t know what to do.
I’m a virgin, my boyfriend wants to stay a virgin for his entire life and i personally don’t want that, I love him very much for who he is, he makes me laugh and I’m very happy with him but whenever he brings up our platonic relationship it makes me feel very distant and it makes me wonder if we should even stay together with our difference of opinion.
ugg…I literally live for my kids. It is so hard to have a husband who you want to be near and touch so badly but have been rejected so many times that you just can’t be hurt again. I want to touch him, kiss him and hold so badly but he just pushes me away and tells something is wrong with me. After almost 17 years he did find out he has low testerone and is getting shots, but it still does not work. He has so many emotional blocks that keep him wrapped up in Satan’s lies. We need serious healing because I am so numb and can hardly breath just thinking about my life. Praying that eternity in heaven will be better.
Hi I’m Daniel I’ve been waiting for my wife for years she was abbused as a child we go to counciling and have been for years but I’m still waiting we no longer sleep in the same room she doesn’t like being touched, I have gone without for so long so that she can feel comfortable and safe, but when is it my turn? I have wants n needs but she won’t even sit with me its soo hard, sometimes I get looks from women and my mind wonders it’s so hard!
@deliah run! Run sister run! Have him be your bridesmaid and marry a man who adores you and would lay down his life to make sure your every need is attended to
How long? For me, 1 1/2 years is going to be my limit. We have been married for 17 1/2 years. The first 15 were good. Ups and downs, but intimate. In May ’15, she moved to the couch and I stayed in our marriage bed. There has been zero intimacy or even a kiss. Whenever I ask why, she bristles and changes the subject. All 10 of these things have happened between us. I am 47, she is 36. There is no physical reasons we should not be having sex. I feel so rejected and distant from her. I work 60+ hours in a successful business. She gets to stay home with our two great kids. She is a great Mother, but a terrible wife and lover. I feel like a roommate that works all day, comes home, helps with the kids and household chores and pays for everything. I long for the feel, touch, carress, love, sex and just being happy together. So,that is my answer. I can last 1 1/2 years before I initiate separation. I will find a place close enough so that my 7yr old son won’t feel abandoned. I will move on. I have alot of love and affection for the right woman. I will have that magic sexy intimacy that God wants me to have. I am at peace with my decision. Life is too short. Mine is statistically half over. God does not want you to suffer in a loveless marriage. My vows were comprimised long ago.I want her to be happy and move on too.
I’ve been in a low sex marriage for 5 years. The first couple of years were better as we were trying for a baby – not good but at least we were doing it occasionally. After I got pregnant 3 years ago – sex has practically ended. I can relate to every point in this article – they all ring true for me. My husband even asks me to solve the problem by myself. So I tried infidelity for awhile but I don’t think it is the right solution – maybe it’s because I haven’t met the right affair partner? But mostly because I am an emotional person, and I want sex to be more than a physical thing. With casual sex the propensity to get hurt is high, and you do feel that your dignity is on the cards. This has affected everything, particularly my self worth.
So now I’m at the cross roads – I don’t know what to do. My husband is happy with status quo and chides me for being unsatisfied. Essentially if he can go without, why can’t I? Also I do need his help with raising the child don’t I? Is it really that crazy to get a divorce because of sex? Any and all advice is appreciated.
OK, so many sad people. But the question is, what to do? A lot of us don’t really want to get divorced, and affairs aren’t that easy to arrange. so what is the answer?
Next month we will be married 50 years and I would say 90% of those year’s have been sexless. As an old guy enjoyed my sex life, my wife on the other hand has been hated it. I told her I had no interest in sex with her and to just leave me aloñe.
I don’t know what to do with my marriage. I’m 38 years old, I have been married with my third husband and I’m just learning about myself that I can’t go without sex right before my period. My husband never touches me and every time my hormones run wild I tell him I want the divorcé because I want somebody to want me. He says he has a low blood pressure problem and the pills aren’t helping. He hates it when I bring up the D word, I don’t want it in a way but in a way I do. I feel like I’m way too passionate for him and he just doesn’t care. We don’t talk now and we might end up divorcing.
In response to everyone’s comments. I highly recommend a book called “Healing the shame that binds you” by John Bradshaw, who has been a great teacher to me. Everybody has been affected in some way by toxic shame: parents, siblings, school, college, various institutions, church, government and society at large. To quote John Bradshaw: “True love affects spiritual growth. If we do not grow because of someone else’s love, it’s generally because it’s a counterfeit form of love” and “Hell in my opinion, is never finding your true self, never living your own life and never knowing who you are”. If you are brave enough to take a long hard look at yourself, you have all the answers within.
For Kathy, I understand what you are going through. My husband is on med’s for diabetes and hypertension and has kidney failure. He has no desire for any kind of intimacy. I understand what he is going through but I need to at least feel that I am loved. I feel so alone at times. I feel like he should understand my feelings as well. At least give me a kiss, hug or even oral sex. I don’t want it to end, just a little intimacy once in a while. Am I being selfish?
I’m soo tired of trying to get intamacy from my wife it just never happens, she doesn’t want me in the same bed with her, I’m not allowed to touch her or even talk about sex, I am not a bad man I’m clean, not over weight (no offense to anyone) I’ve been told I’m handsome I’m not a porn guy either, I don’t even like relieving myself I feel guilty but it’s been literally years of no intamacy, I feel empty inside like I’m not important to her, she’s told me she doesn’t need me and she will cook n clean but no sex she says she’s not that girl, what does that even mean? We have been married over 35 years and I do love her maybe that’s why I wait to see if she will eventually want me I don’t know I’m lonely and wish I had someone to talk to, I’ve tried talking to a friend n she found out and she got so upset I guess our issues are a secret, I sometimes think of just driving away ?
At year 18, My husband told me he no longer desires to be intimate with me. I’ve tried everything and nothing happens. He pushes me away and refuses to even hold my hand. My heart is broken and I finally ready to end our 20year marriage. He refuses to go to marital counseling, so I’m done. I’m 48 and this is not the marriage I asked for.
My heart and soul are broken.
I have been married for 27 years. It has been 18 years since my wife and I have been intimate. Just after our 9-year anniversary, she told me she no longer loved me, and she felt dead inside for me and our marriage. This completely devastated me. We remained together for our 2 daughters, but it has been torturous for me. I still love her very much, and am in-love with her, but she would prefer to continue on as “roommates” (my term, not hers).
We do not have sex, she is never in any state of undressed in front of me, and any conversation I initiate concerning our situation quickly deteriorates. She never gave me a reason for her change in feelings other than we drifted apart (I didn’t notice this in our first 9 years). Over the years, she has refused counseling (I went), and is not interested in exploring options for us to reconcile the root cause of how we ended up where we are.
Our children are now grown and gone, and I am at a crossroads with my life. Do I leave the only woman I have ever loved – to find out if there is someone else that I could eventually love as much as my wife? I would love to experience intimacy at least once more in my lifetime, but I know it is unlikely with my current wife. I will not stray so long as we are married. Believe it or not, other than the bedroom, we get along great, and enjoy each others company. We love to travel, have a large social circle we are very active with. I do not believe any of the people we are closest to would suspect there are any issues. My wife and I are both 52 years of age, and I am afraid that if I leave I will find myself alone – and unable to develop any new relationships.
As more time has gone by, the harder it gets for me to come to terms with never having the intimacy I desire, I’m just not sure I would find happiness without her in my life though.
Sorry for the long-winded story. I think it has been therapeutic to share what I have been going through.
What do you do when like Steve it’s been a long time, and I’m just realizing that she lies to me as well, even though I’ve found out that they are small lies but it makes me wonder what else has she lied about I’m starting to think that maybe it’s time to leave even though I’m old 56 maybe it’s better to live on my own, without a roommate than to be here either way it’s lonely, please any advice?
I e been married 15 years and the last 5 have been very miserable and dead. I really think I have outgrown my wife mentally but she also can’t have kids but I can live with that. We don’t communicate openly we just pay the bills like it’s routine. I really don’t think there’s no hope for our marriage especially sexually. It’s once every 3 months. The sex is good but it’s boring and there’s no intimate connection just casual. Also our beliefs are different which also play a big part in our marriage failing also. The funny thing is I used to drink alcohol. But I stopped 4 months ago. When we argue I say bad things but I think the verbal abuse has damaged the marriage also. At this point if things don’t get better by 2017 I’m gonna separate because it’s destroying me inside.
I feel dead. After 7 years of living together I still went ahead and married her even though we rarely had sex.
I remember my dad used to tell me, “marriage should not be out of sympathy”. Now I see he is right.
I married my wife because she was by my side during the hard times but now I realized I cannot live in a sexless marriage. We have an exceptionally beautiful daughter (my wife is gorgeous).
Lack of sex has led me into an affair with a woman who is much less beautiful (she has 3 kids and in a troubled marriage too). She wants divorce and wait for me whenever I divorce but I want to stay in my marriage (at least for now) because of my little daughter. I don’t see my wife ever wanting intimacy with me again even though she keeps talking about us having a second kid.
Please help I don’t know what to do.
I hope everyone reads this. And know that you are not alone.
To DELILAH: Run! Far and fast! You are special and worthy of intimacy with your future husband. It’s great that your boyfriend told you in advance what his life goals are. They clearly don’t work with your goals. You will set yourself up for a life of suffering if you continue. Loving somebody doesn’t make them right for you.
To Cody Levinson: Do Not Under ANY circumstance allow your wife to remove you from your girls lives. That is essentially what she is doing. If you allow that you are letting your girls know that you you didn’t fight for them That they weren’t worth love. You will set them up to live your current life. To believe every man who comes will leave because that’s what daddy did. I believe if you have an honest communication with your daughter you will find that children are more resilient than they are given credit for. Divorce/separation/co-parenting happens all the time. The only thing I can guarantee you is that you are better off and they are better off in their lives. Let the wife go. But please do the give up on your girls.
To everyone else who posted on this board. All who asked for prayer I prayed immediately. It is awful to feel alone And unwanted. I walked in those shoes for 5 years. Until I realized I was setting into depression and anxiety my job suffered my children suffered. I was on meds. It’s not worth your health To Stay with someone who doesn’t see your worth and value. I’m not saying to divorce because biblically it is wrong and from what I gathered from this post we are God fearing people.
After watching my mother suffering for 30 years and counting.. and myself for 5. It’s not worth it. I know there is some fear to “start over” but think of it more as Moving on. You can be alone in a room and still not lonely. You can also be in a room full of people that you love and still feel completely alone. I think the second feeling is worse. Don’t do it to yourselves anymore. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of care. You are worthy of a future that you are happy in. Whether with a partner or not you can and should be happy. I know it’s cliche but there is a saying “I can do bad all by myself” . So my encouragement is you can do good also by yourself.
The problem we are facing is EXPECTATION.
We know what is expected of a married partner. We know the duties and tasks that are supposed to be met. They are no longer being met and for a long period of time. If we get rid of the partner (not necessarily to find a new one) we get rid of the expectation. We put ourselves in a better frame of mind.
When we don’t have an expectation we cannot be disappointed.
And believe me when I say it gets better when you are in a better frame of mind.
To those who are praying. Try fasting also. Fasting works.
God bless you all and I will keep praying
Married 25 years but met when teenagers. I am 60. He is 57. We both want sex but…1) we both smoked cigarettes. We agreed to quit before health issues arrived. He never quit. COPD gives him sour breath. Brushes teeth and mouth wash doesn’t touch the lung oder. Goober throat when start to talk. Wheeze when sleeping and worse with exertion like sex. This is an auditory and olfactory BIG TURNOFF. 2) He is a transvestite. He has never given me lingerie. Buys bras, hosey, panties for himself, none for me. Asked me, and I complied, to wear a strap on dildo and do his prostrate. Was not good for me. He is his own best girlfriend and now he at least waits for me to leave the house before his next she-man masterbation session. What am I to do at 60 years of age? We are both unhappy with the situation. I decided that since he has a separate sex life that I should, too. Started watching porn videos just 2 days ago. Most of it makes me cringe and one episode caused me to vomit. I am a straight woman who at this age wants to enjoys sex as an expression of affection with a healthy, compassionate man. I am so frustrated to find myself, having given up financial independence for parenting, to be in a relationship that is so lacking. Guess I’d better get a job.