authentic, marriage problems, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Sexual Redemption. Could Her Story Be Yours?
Apr
I thought since I just posed the question, “Can Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage be Resurrected?”, you would be encouraged to hear from someone who has lived such an experience first hand.
Below is an email I was humbly blessed to receive recently from a woman sharing vulnerably about her own journey.
Could her story be yours?
I first found you when I began searching the Internet for Christian blog sites. As for my marriage and what I was looking for? Well, my marriage is amazing.
I have been with this man for 10 years, six married. He is a strong Christian, leads our family in all the right ways, works hard so I can stay home with our two beautiful girls, and helps with the kids and the house. He is understanding that I am a horrible cook.
He even works hard to meet my emotional needs.
The problem? Sex.
That’s our stumbling block.
I just really don’t want it and can’t seem to get past the whole “if I’m not in the mood at all then I shouldn’t have to even try” thing. He, on the other hand, desires me all the time. To him, it makes him more sad than angry that I don’t want it and can’t seem to try.
He doesn’t look at porn and constantly reminds me that he has made a covenant with his eyes that they are to only look at me. He has an accountability partner who he can talk to when it gets hard and the temptation of masturbating comes. This man was really sent from heaven. How can I not give myself to him?
I find it exhausting to even think about sex.
I can’t tell you the last time I had an orgasm. Maybe two years ago? Don’t know. My fault though, as I am sitting there telling him to go as fast as possible so we can be done with it.
Part of it is huge body image issues.
After two C-sections and 9 lb babies, my body is more like a jigsaw puzzle of extra rolls and leftover stretch marks. Wasn’t gifted with the whole “bounce back” body others seem to have.
My husband tells me I am so beautiful and how much he loves me. But for me, I keep thinking, “How could he really think that?”
At times I will just tell myself it is all a mind game and to get my head in it and focus. Then my jelly of a belly begins to shake and the emergency brake gets put on and I pray he didn’t see what I felt.
So that explains all the searching the Internet for good Christian advice.
There always seems to be something good and I would try to take it, but it was like I was climbing a high wall and I would get to the top, see its too high, and start making my way back down.
Other times I would equal it to being completely paralyzed. Wanting my body to do what my brain was saying to do, but it just wouldn’t follow.
The good news?
I think in praying and praying (and sometimes not even wanting to, but still praying) for God to change my heart because this man was God’s gift to me, something finally clicked.
It is by Him only that this lightbulb finally went off for me, because trying on my own for these long months hasn’t done anything.
Two things — and this is why I am writing you because I enjoy your blogs and they have helped me the most, and maybe if they have helped me, they may help someone else.
I was out with some old girlfriends who I used to work with and we were having fun talking over dinner. One of the girls said to me, “You know, we all loved when your husband would come around. Besides him being such a great guy, he is so hot! You are so lucky to get to sleep with that man every night!”
Of course, I always thought he was gorgeous (Italian/Greek), but to hear this come from my girlfriends made me stop and think that I am the only one who can be intimate with my husband.
Knowing others thought he was desirable and he only had eyes for me gave my heart one of the biggest smiles it has ever had.
Another scenario which happened in the same week was that a friend of a friend’s husband who has been over seas for almost a year was shot and killed.
She didn’t get his embrace for a very long time and now won’t ever have it again.
For me it was God saying, “What if your husband was gone tomorrow?” I would have wasted this precious gift on dumb hang-ups. We are both healthy and not in wheelchairs paralyzed or missing limbs or sick in a hospital bed.
By the end of the week, God was practically yelling at me with bright neon lights. This was the wake up call I needed. I have more of the confidence I need to be a better lover to an amazing man and pray satan doesn’t inch his way back in.
I pray now more than I ever did over our marriage bed. I never thought that aspect needed prayer. It did and still always will, but I am excited for the first time to see where God takes us from here.
Sorry if that was so lengthy but I felt the need to get it all out and tell you what actually changed me!
Those are simple things, but sometimes it’s the simple reminders that make the biggest impact.
If you are like a lot of women, I imagine this authentic story resonates with you, right?
Though your own circumstances may look different, the revelation that God is a redemptive God rings true no matter the journey we are on.
Be encouraged by her story.
Look within it for the hope and reminders that God is speaking to you. He cares tremendously about your sexual connection with the man you married.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
THANKS FOR THIS!!
This lady does an outstanding job of showing the feelings and thoughts that many women share.
Ladies, if you feel as this woman did, I suggest you have your husband read this to help him understand.
Even though my marriage does not have these issues in the same way I also deal with a lot of body issues while with my husband. This has made clear for me to keep on going the same way…Thank you for sharing! I love this blog and every time I come I find advise and learn something new! God bless you! 😀
I am so thankful you shared this story. Let me tell you what happens when you don’t change and start giving yourself to your husband sexually. My marriage was just like this woman’s. only now we have been married 16 years (ten years longer)”
He goes from asking all the time, to slowly overtime not asking at all anymore. The pain from being rejected makes him no longer ask at all. And his self esteem goes down because the woman he cares most about in the world is rejecting him. He stops getting accolades at work because his self esteem goes so low.
And you thought you had body image problems beforehand. Even though you still have those difficulties with body image, the fact he stopped trying at all now makes you feel even WORSE about your body image. At least when he was asking, you still felt somewhat pretty. Now that he doesn’t ask at all anymore, you feel downright ugly and not wanted. He tries to reassure you, still tells you how beautiful you are. But the simple act of him desiring sex made you still feel a bit desirous. Without it, you feel fat and disgusting.
And you may not have heard it, but men desire sex when they are young because of their hormones, well those hormones kick in for women when they are older (I am in my 40s). Now I am the one wanting sex all the time, and my husband, who spent years repressing himself for me, now is the one who has difficulty “getting in the mood.” I have no doubt if I had been more receptive, and we had developed a habit of giving ourselves to one another in the bedroom, he wouldn’t have to overcome that mindset of repressing himself.
I pray that this new found attitude will continue. That you will give of yourself even when you don’t feel like it. The book Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow was an extremely good help for changing my mindset. But it came too late for me. For the past 5 years I have been working to undo all the damage I did to my husband, to my marriage, and to myself with that one simple act of having the wrong mindset about sex.
Beautiful!!! Prayer WORKS. It is the key for us low libido ladies!!! God hears our cries and heals, in mostly very surprising ways. Thanks to the writer and to you, Julie, for sharing and giving encouragement.
Where is your outrage?
On the one hand I understand the need not to shame or upset the person posting the blog such as the woman listed above for fear that other people will not come forward that really should.
But…
This woman is married to a 10 by her own admission and she STILL will not make love to him and will barely have sex with him and when she does it is seldom, bad, dull, boring, and empty.
Where is your outrage?
Not at her but at the culture that creates the situation. And by that I mean the culture of the Church.
Where is your outrage?
@skeeterbill… are we reading the same post? I’m confused by your comment.
This woman shared vulnerably about how she now realizes the importance of sexual intimacy. Did you read this part of her testimony:
“This was the wake up call I needed. I have more of the confidence I need to be a better lover to an amazing man and pray satan doesn’t inch his way back in.
I pray now more than I ever did over our marriage bed. I never thought that aspect needed prayer. It did and still always will, but I am excited for the first time to see where God takes us from here.”
Anyway, I’m confused by your comment. Doesn’t make sense at all. If I should be outraged, it should be at you for being so insensitive to someone who obviously is making positive changes in her life.
But hey, I’m not one to get too outraged at people who seem to miss the point of a post.
ANyway, thanks for stopping by.
Wonderful read. Mine is the opposite!! I still look like I have not had kids yet even after three and I thank God for it. My hubby is the one who has put on about 40kg or so since we met 23 years ago. Been married 16 years now. I don’t desire sex and the thought of it sometimes scares me!! I really love him and he is a great husband and father but sex just does not excite me anymore. I feel for him cos I know he is unhappy about my not desiring it anymore and I don’t know what to do. Can someone please help!!!
It’s a good thing she was “ripe” to hear God voice speaking to her before her husband gave up pursuit. I shudder to think if this woman wasn’t listening for His voice.
Does it seem to be a common trait in women that when one (or more) other women show desire or speak good toward another’s husband, he is lifted up in the the wife’s eyes? Is the opposite true? I think it occurs more than anyone will admit but it can have positive (and negative effect) on a marriage.
I’ve experienced both sides of this in recent years. I’ve always kept a mental log of “dry spells”, noting the “why”, the “who” and “when”. looking back I’ve noted a few unique trends. The “when” is fairly generic, day-of-week and time-of-day. The “who” needs to be more precise, i.e. who did my wife spend the majority of her day or week with, was it coworkers, the kids, me, family or friends? The “why” requires a bit of investigation or sleuthing, getting her to open up, to talk about the important things that influenced her when spending time with the “who” (yes guys, it’s the key).
I’ll be happy to post all the stats but the conclusions seem clear to me, wives are heavily influenced by their husbands, other women, advertising and self-image. Not all women, but the majority. Case in point “Sexual Redemption. Could Her Story Be Yours?”. She’s influenced by her friend telling her her husband was “hot and another who tragically lost her husband.
These souls wrapped in soft balls of flesh, that smell nice, taken and formed from Adams rib look simple, but they are wired so differently than men are. Start wiring your daughters and sons with a positive self image, the image of Christ.
-IMAN
While I am not a regular reader I do read your blog from time to time. I admire and respect what you are doing and it has meant a great deal to me (probably more than you could understand.) Even though it may sound so, none of this is personal. It is really about all those other dead and dying marriages out there where men and some women are living in a sexual desert and sleeping with the person who has the water.
Maybe the fact that it confuses you is part of the problem. I apologize for the seeming insensitivity but that is part of the message both hers and yours.
Aren’t you being insensitive to her husband’s vulnerability and his incredible pain?
Am I wrong in thinking that sex is an important expectation of marriage?
Am I wrong that she has been torturing this poor man for over 6 years by not doing the very thing she promised to do?
Her body image problem didn’t stop her from taking care of their home or taking care of their children or going to church or anything else but it did stop her from giving the one thing that her husband can only obtain from her.
I am outraged at the fact that this can happen at all much less that the church doesn’t take it seriously. You mention in your personal story that it took a divorce for you to realize it. You said, “I vowed that if I ever were to remarry, I would never take sexual intimacy for granted.”
Really? It took a divorce for you to get that.
My question is why? And why aren’t you outraged at that fact alone?
I am seeking healing, too. I don’t hate my body, but I do have self image concerns that do affect our marriage bed and make it hard for me to really loosen up and let go. However, unlike the reader’s 10 of a husband (physically, spiritually, relationally), my husband has some issues that really hurt me. I have addressed them to him, but he denies them and refuses to change.
It is hard for me to accept that he finds my baby-worn body and scarred face attractive and sexy when he has no problem watching the sex and nudity in Game of Thrones and other such mainstream videos. He says he does, but couple that with his rarely initiating in bed and even more rarely taking the time and effort to bring me to climax and I feel downright horrible. I do most of the initiating. I do most of the work. I’ve never refused him, but I’ve been refused plenty. I have gone to elders in the church and nothing changes because mainstream movies aren’t offically porn and thus it’s not a sin issue, but a heart issue I have to wait on God to deal with.
In the meantime, I’m sick of over a decade of dealing with this and while I still will not refuse my husband, I really don’t want to put the effort into our sex life anymore. I feel so horrible now, I have a hard time looking into my husband’s eyes. He thinks he’s Mr. Wonderful and in some ways he is. Some times, when he puts forth the effort, he is an astounding husband in and out of the bedroom, but for the most part he’s selfish. If he’s content, complacent and comfy, why should he lift a finger otherwise?
I’m weary. I’m worn out in so many ways. I can’t even remember the last time I smiled and felt joy. And all I’m really asking for is for him to ditch looking at naked women and spend more time with me in bed! (A little effort around the house would be nice, too.) I’d like to hear him tell ME I’m beautiful instead of talking about how beautiful other women are. I’d like him to actually look at ME naked more (yes, I do show him my naked body and would love to shower more with him, but there are times he just rolls over and looks away) instead of actresses. I’d like him to make a covenant with his eyes and allow me to be his ONLY sexual partner in EVERY aspect, and I am willing and wanting to do that and be that and I’ve fought for that for over 10 years! But, since he’s in denial and says all the right things to those who’ve counseled him and talked to him, I’m stuck. Stuck and sad and lost until he figures it out. Too weary and worn to even try anymore.
@skeeterbill… hmmm… I’m wondering if you have ever done anything you regretted, because the whole tone of your comment is one of being quick to look at the speck in someone else’s eye while ignoring the plank in your own.
My point is that we all are sinful people in a broken world, but through the redemptive work of Christ in our life, we can learn from that sin, repent of it and move forward in a healthier direction.
That’s what this woman did and that’s what I did, and we are both humbly grateful for it.
What are your past sins, mis-steps, shortcomings, etc.? Would you prefer people rail at you in outrage or try to biblically and encouragingly set you on a healthier path?
I understand your frustration about the church not always being good about addressing this issue, but what about those of us who are? We are the “church” as well… me and other marriage bloggers who speak authentically about sexual intimacy as God intended it.
I don’t spend too much time being outraged about the past. I’m a little more focused on what God is trying to reveal to me from this point on.
And certainly, if we stand back, more so than outrage us, any sin should grieve us deeply because it grieves the Lord. But whatever you want to call it… outrage or grief or disappointment… the Lord certainly wants us to move forward abiding by His Word, having learned from the horrendous consequences of sin.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by again.
@libl… I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It sounds like you have lovingly and clearly expressed to him your disappointment and pain that come from his actions, yet he is unwilling to change.
My encouragement to you is to develop 2-3 good friendships with other Christian women who will pray with you, listen non-judgmentally, pray for your husband and marriage, etc. Also, continue to press into the Lord and His Word to strengthen your relationship with Him.
As for the body image struggles, recognize that average everyday women like you and me will never “measure up” by the world’s standards of sexy and beautiful. Yes, this can be disheartening, but instead of becoming too downtrodden about it, instead start to focus on the fact that you are indeed beautiful by the only standard that matters… God’s. The more we focus on the truth, the less grip the lies have on us.
Also, you may consider talking with a doctor or counselor about your discouragement and depression about the difficulties in your marriage. Sometimes having the insight of someone else can give you good navigational tools as you deal with the day-in day-out ups and downs of doing life with someone who doesn’t exactly treasure you the way God desires he would.
Your husband certainly will have to give account for his carelessness in how he is treating you. The Word says we all must give account. (Hebrews 4:13).
My heart goes out to you. Don’t be too tough on yourself. Continue to seek God’s Word on what it means to be a godly wife and strive to walk in that direction. You can’t change your husband, but you can honor the Lord in your own actions… sometimes a husband will see such compassion and tenderness and it will pierce his heart and help him better see what he could do as well.
http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2013/04/the-internal-struggle-that-keeps-her-from-sex/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+50%2FCPIy+%28The+Generous+Husband%29
Thanks for the reply. I ask your forgiveness for being so inept at communicating my point.
Nothing in your reply has anything to do with the point I was trying to make.
My son the lawyer is always on me about being too abstract and my metaphors too extreme for people to follow. I know he’s right but sometimes I just can’t help myself.
This has been very helpful to me. Thanks again and keep up your good work.
Best of luck.
@Julie / @skeeterbill – y’all are talking past each other. 🙂 Let me see if I can bridge the gap.
Julie – both skeeter’s original and follow-up comments look at the way there seems to be a movement “discovering” these things in the Bible that are more positive towards sex, then sees a church who never should have let them need to be “discovered” in the first place. His(?) outrage is directed at the church that did not “rightly divide the Word of truth” and thus made this lady’s pre-turnaround story acceptable in its culture. In other words, why aren’t churches teaching women how important this aspect of marriage is?
In other words – it’s more acceptable to say “we only have sex once a month” than it is to say “I only feed family once a week”. That’s the outrage-producing thing.
Skeeter – I’ll admit to sharing Julie’s initial “how does that apply?” reaction; then, I re-read it a couple of times, and I think I had it; then, when I saw your follow-up comment, I knew I had it. The entire point wasn’t railing against the culture that had made it acceptable; the point was a follow-up post showing that it WAS possible for God to redeem a marriage bed, because of what He did in this person’s marriage.
This blog is generally directed at married women (though Julie knows there are males that peruse here, especially when Paul Byerly links to one of her posts). Which is a more effective route for her to take – encouraging them to turn their churches upside down, or to focus on fixing their own marriages? I think the latter needs to happen before the former is attempted. Belaboring the “torture” she did to her husband is beside the point; his godly response to her turnaround would be forgiveness of that period of time anyway. If he isn’t going to hold it against her, why should Julie?
@Daniel… all good points! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
@skeeterbill… no need to ask for forgiveness. This is good lively dialogue, and I think that’s healthy. I’m glad you stopped by to comment!
Bless you both!
What if you sometimes worry that your spouse might leave you.
What if you sometimes worry that they never will….
I promised to foresake all others, I didn’t promise to lose my desire. I can’t help but believe that marriage in this day and age is a net negative for men.
Thanks Daniel. You said it better than I could have. I would like to clarify something.
I do not blame Julie or the young woman in the letter for their behavior. They are both blameless because they simply didn’t know any better.
Anonymous’ comment is the same thing. When the shoe was on the other foot and she was exposed to the constant rejection she saw the light. She is blameless also.
The church is to blame. The church has the right, responsibility and opportunity to do something about marriage yet they do nothing or so little that it is sad. They seem to be purely reactionary.
I am not trying to belabor the husbands 6 years of torture but I am trying to see that it is acknowledged. The husband’s pain and suffering is treated very shallowly, as in the letter above, it is almost not even acknowledged except in passing.
As far as the most effective route, focusing on their own marriages does very little good for the congregation. The people who come to Julie’s blog are already heading in the right direction but they are not the people you need to reach. The people you need to reach are the ones sitting in church every Sunday who think what they are doing is OK – the ones that call their husbands names for wanting to have sex with their own wife.
You do not have to turn your church upside down. If the women who read this blog would make it a point of communicating what they have learned it would make a profound impact on their respective churches. You don’t have to ram it down their throats, but you have to say something.
So say something.
@Anonymous… you mention that you don’t desire sex and that it scares you at times, yet you love your husband.
I would start with an honest conversation with your husband that you want to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage, but you’re struggling with how to do that.
When you say that sex sometimes scares you, can you pinpoint as to why? Sex is meant to be a safe loving experience between a husband and a wife, so if you are feeling fear at any time, it would be good to understand why? Is it something your husband does? Is it memories of past sexual abuse or anything like that?
I want to really affirm you that you recognize that this is an area of your marriage where you and your husband could grow. Possibly counseling would help get dialogue going between the two of you so that you can explore what would make sex a more positive and more frequent experience.
Don’t give up… though these are difficult things, it is worth it to your marriage and your relationship with the Lord to do what it takes to nurture all forms of intimacy in your marriage… emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.
@skeeterbill: Would you consider it torture to date and marry a woman then, after the wedding to show little attention or affection to the wife other than sexual; to spend all your free time with friends doing your own thing; not attempting to “know” your wife and find out or fulfill any of her desire/needs either emotionally or sexually? This has been my marriage and because of that (not making excuses anymore, just looking at causes and effects) for years I had little sexual interest in my husband (although I was all about him before we married and he seemed interested in me, not just my body). It was all about him. And, yes, plenty of times I turned him down or started and couldn’t continue because of the lack of intimacy between us; I felt used and like a whore. I try but I, too, need something, some action other than sexual to which I can respond. If you want to blame the “church” for wives’ lack of knowledge then let us also blame it for the husbands’ lack of knowledge or even desire to meet anything other than their own sexual needs. He is commanded to love as Christ loved. That love is an action and is not selfish or selfishly motivated. Yes, sex is important to the marriage relationship. It has taken me years to ‘see’ this. But, it is not the ONLY important thing and the positive or negative aspects of it are supported or caused by the relationship itself. My husband eventually “asked God to take away his desire” because he felt so rejected. Of course, the desire didn’t go away, he was meeting it himself. He thought that by not pursuing sex with me he was showing that he didn’t ‘only think about sex.’ But, just the opposite has been true. He did not replace any of his sexual attention toward me with actions that showed me he cared about me. He began to ignore me for the most part. This began 15 years ago. For the last ten or so I have been trying to do damage control/repair but he still thinks he is/was ‘loving’ me by not making sexual advances. So, here’s the picture: I needed an emotional connection to him to enjoy sex with him but he not only removed the sex he removed ALL connection. Only by the grace of God are we still married. I continue to seek God in this situation and pray for restoration of all of it, the sexual, emotional and spiritual aspects of marriage. You really can’t have a fulfilling sexual relationship the way God intends it without the other two. I do agree, though, that there is a lot the church could do for married people before they get to a crisis point. All the focus should not be on pre-marriage counsel, crisis intervention (little) or divorce care. If they church (us) were doing it the right way “divorce care” classes would not be needed.
Skeeterbill, your post of April 9th is excellent. I would add that many Christian wives are not that biblically ignorant to have ignore God’s Word in the area of marriage intimacy/sexuality and claim that they “didn’t know better.” Many know but refuse to allow the Spirit’s prompting. For an example, that trash book “50 Shades…” was read by many Christian women that my wife knows, even though it was porn in written form. But if they caught their husband looking at porn, the wives would be very hurt and rightfully so.
After 42 years after I committing my life to Christ, I know that God still does miracles and forgives. I know because I always need Him to forgive me
Dear L,
How could this be more tragic? You are actually voicing the same pain that so many others and I felt. The gender doesn’t actually matter. The pain you are describing is exactly the pain I am talking about. I feel the church is the only organization that has the right, responsibility, opportunity and resources to improve the situation. And yes the husband’s lack of knowledge is also the fault of the church. If not the church then who else? Who possibly could tell him and or you about this particular problem?
This man married you. One can assume that he has feelings for you. Do you really think he would deliberately hurt you? Of course not, just as you would never deliberately hurt him. In my view you are both blameless. You are feeling the pain and I wish you weren’t.
Your husband loves you or he would not have married you. I can guarantee you that nothing could make him happier than making you happy. The poor SOB just doesn’t know how. Help him. There is nobody on earth that can help him but you. Get counseling if you can. As my daughter says “everybody could do with a bit of counseling.”
Of course I do not know your husband and could be completely wrong about him, but I prefer to think not. You cannot know how I identify with your pain even though I am male. Get some help. Do whatever you have to do but get some help. If you do I can assure you that in a few years your marriage will be more than you can imagine. Please, please, please get some help. I think I can tell from your words that both of you love each other. Get some help.
“my body is more like a jigsaw puzzle of extra rolls and leftover stretch marks…..Then my jelly of a belly begins to shake and the emergency brake gets put on and I pray he didn’t see what I felt.”
Who says the absence of such rolls is the only standard of beauty out there? My wife is a size 12 and no one, NO ONE, compares to her in my eyes. Just the sight of her gets my motor running, whether she’s dressed to the nines, in casual clothes, in some hot lingerie, or completely naked. And yes, some things might jiggle a bit when we’re really going at it; that doesn’t bother me at all. There is nothing in the world I’d rather see than my bride of nearly 18 years really enjoying herself with me sexually. I LOVE to squeeze her soft places, and yes, she has more of those than those models on the magazine covers.
Now, I’m not saying those women in magazines and movies are unattractive; many of them certainly are. (Although I think those women would do well to eat a few pans of brownies.) But so is my wife! I don’t care what the culture says, and I don’t care if there is not another man out there who sees it. I didn’t settle for less when I married her. I love looking at her, and I love being seen with her.
Why am I telling you this?
‘My husband tells me I am so beautiful and how much he loves me. But for me, I keep thinking, “How could he really think that?”‘
He can think that because God has given him eyes to see your unique beauty and be completely satisfied in it. He can think that because he has chosen to delight in you rather than lust after the fantasies in the magazines and websites. I wrote all of the above in hopes that it will encourage you to BELIEVE YOUR HUSBAND when he expresses his delight in you. I wrote in hopes that my feelings for my wife would help you understand that not all men want a super thin wife with rock hard abs. (I actually find “rock hard abs” to be very UNattractive, but that’s just me.) If you would believe your husband you would become even MORE attractive to him because confidence is so sexy. It was such a joy to me when my wife began to believe what I told her about her looks. It certainly took our sexual relationship to another level. I hope and pray that you will eventually have such a testimony.
There are so many women who can relate to the body image issues, but as one comment stated, these women still take care of the kids and clean the house with these same issues. Sexuality is a natural part of being human and it’s time we start to view it that way. It’s always good to try to recapture the feeling you had when you first met your husband… what was it about him that attracted you in the first place and how did that make you feel then. Usually that feeling can be easily transferred to the present.
I thank God for making it possible for me to find this christain website. I thank God for making me to realise that i can pray for my sexual life in my marriage. I and my husband of just a year old find it very hard to do things together. For example, we have never taking bath together. Though the fault is not mine. This website has now made me to realise that i can pray about sexual intimacy in my marriage cause it is lacking in my marriage.
I must say, Skeeterbill’s comments reflect many a man’s perspective! Too many women – and the church – say nothing when sex is removed from a marriage, but would scream “Sinner! Bad Mom!” if a Christian wife didn’t drive across town at midnight to get little Billy’s colored pencils for school the next day. Sex is the first thing neglected by “good Christian wives” in a marriage, and the thing most needed by husbands.
What astounds me is that people permit such heartbreaking marriages to continue as long as the do. I’ve never put a piece of paper ahead of me or my wife. We both know that divorce is a possibility, so we avoid it by BEHAVING. Unfortunately, the “never leave my spouse” mentality is what creates these decades-long disasters…it removes all incentive to improve, correct or change your behavior. My wife knows I’ll divorce immediately if she has a drinking problem (or any addiction – gambling, meth, spending). I know she’ll divorce me immediately for the same things, and yes, including sexual neglect or abuse. Guess what? We both treat each other GREAT! Not out of fear, but a genuine promise to each other that our ACTIONS show how we feel, not a wedding vow. I not only promised to treat my wife right, I said “And if I don’t, I want you to leave and find someone who treats you like you deserve”. No better marriage arrangement than that, folks. A money-back guarantee that would’ve spared quite a few years of pain for many of the people here. Criticize my marriage philosophy all you want, it works for me.
Thank you for this article. I am dealing with body image issues from a different perspective (high libido wife, low libido husband who notices other women but doesn’t react if I walk by naked or in lingerie). I’m walking through this & prayer is imperative.
@Lori: How do you feel about your husband? Are you both Christian? What is it you are looking for? More frequency? Just better encounters? Unless he is intentionally avoiding you, be certain he does notice when you walk by naked or in lingerie.
Food for thought: Maybe he notices the other women because they *don’t* walk by him naked or in lingerie. You know–the mystery angle.
I will tell you from my own experience: If he does not feel that you want him or that you are available to him, then looking at you will *hurt* in a deep, horrible way. (Of course, he could also just be a pig, but I am assuming he is not for the sake of discussion) Are you sure he has low libido and not just mismatched timing with you (i.e., you’re a “morning” person and he’s a “nighttime” one)? There are two sides to every fence and it takes communication, good, open, frank communication to bring it down. And don’t let up on prayer. Pray for insight into what is troubling your man and for the strength to bring healing to your marriage.
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