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I thought since I just posed the question, “Can Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage be Resurrected?”, you would be encouraged to hear from someone who has lived such an experience first hand.
Below is an email I was humbly blessed to receive recently from a woman sharing vulnerably about her own journey.
Could her story be yours?
I first found you when I began searching the Internet for Christian blog sites. As for my marriage and what I was looking for? Well, my marriage is amazing.
I have been with this man for 10 years, six married. He is a strong Christian, leads our family in all the right ways, works hard so I can stay home with our two beautiful girls, and helps with the kids and the house. He is understanding that I am a horrible cook.
He even works hard to meet my emotional needs.
The problem? Sex.
That’s our stumbling block.
I just really don’t want it and can’t seem to get past the whole “if I’m not in the mood at all then I shouldn’t have to even try” thing. He, on the other hand, desires me all the time. To him, it makes him more sad than angry that I don’t want it and can’t seem to try.
He doesn’t look at porn and constantly reminds me that he has made a covenant with his eyes that they are to only look at me. He has an accountability partner who he can talk to when it gets hard and the temptation of masturbating comes. This man was really sent from heaven. How can I not give myself to him?
I find it exhausting to even think about sex.
I can’t tell you the last time I had an orgasm. Maybe two years ago? Don’t know. My fault though, as I am sitting there telling him to go as fast as possible so we can be done with it.
Part of it is huge body image issues.
After two C-sections and 9 lb babies, my body is more like a jigsaw puzzle of extra rolls and leftover stretch marks. Wasn’t gifted with the whole “bounce back” body others seem to have.
My husband tells me I am so beautiful and how much he loves me. But for me, I keep thinking, “How could he really think that?”
At times I will just tell myself it is all a mind game and to get my head in it and focus. Then my jelly of a belly begins to shake and the emergency brake gets put on and I pray he didn’t see what I felt.
So that explains all the searching the Internet for good Christian advice.
There always seems to be something good and I would try to take it, but it was like I was climbing a high wall and I would get to the top, see its too high, and start making my way back down.
Other times I would equal it to being completely paralyzed. Wanting my body to do what my brain was saying to do, but it just wouldn’t follow.
The good news?
I think in praying and praying (and sometimes not even wanting to, but still praying) for God to change my heart because this man was God’s gift to me, something finally clicked.
It is by Him only that this lightbulb finally went off for me, because trying on my own for these long months hasn’t done anything.
Two things — and this is why I am writing you because I enjoy your blogs and they have helped me the most, and maybe if they have helped me, they may help someone else.
I was out with some old girlfriends who I used to work with and we were having fun talking over dinner. One of the girls said to me, “You know, we all loved when your husband would come around. Besides him being such a great guy, he is so hot! You are so lucky to get to sleep with that man every night!”
Of course, I always thought he was gorgeous (Italian/Greek), but to hear this come from my girlfriends made me stop and think that I am the only one who can be intimate with my husband.
Knowing others thought he was desirable and he only had eyes for me gave my heart one of the biggest smiles it has ever had.
Another scenario which happened in the same week was that a friend of a friend’s husband who has been over seas for almost a year was shot and killed.
She didn’t get his embrace for a very long time and now won’t ever have it again.
For me it was God saying, “What if your husband was gone tomorrow?” I would have wasted this precious gift on dumb hang-ups. We are both healthy and not in wheelchairs paralyzed or missing limbs or sick in a hospital bed.
By the end of the week, God was practically yelling at me with bright neon lights. This was the wake up call I needed. I have more of the confidence I need to be a better lover to an amazing man and pray satan doesn’t inch his way back in.
I pray now more than I ever did over our marriage bed. I never thought that aspect needed prayer. It did and still always will, but I am excited for the first time to see where God takes us from here.
Sorry if that was so lengthy but I felt the need to get it all out and tell you what actually changed me!
Those are simple things, but sometimes it’s the simple reminders that make the biggest impact.
If you are like a lot of women, I imagine this authentic story resonates with you, right?
Though your own circumstances may look different, the revelation that God is a redemptive God rings true no matter the journey we are on.
Be encouraged by her story.
Look within it for the hope and reminders that God is speaking to you. He cares tremendously about your sexual connection with the man you married.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.