This is a tough question.
Did you get married just to have babies?
Before you cower in guilt or lash out in frustration at me, hear my heart. That’s where I write from — a heart drenched in abundant compassion and awareness of what can become sexually skewed in a marriage.
If you haven’t already bailed on me at this point in the post, I imagine there’s a bit of churning in your mind and gut as the question swells to your conscience as you ask yourself…
“Did I get married just to have babies?”
If you did, my guess is that you didn’t exactly frame it that way as you journeyed toward the altar. After all, you loved the guy, right? You loved him then and you likely love him now.
But… and here’s where the picture gets muddy… you maybe start to look back and wonder if indeed marriage was a means to an end.
For some women, this “means to an end” message was fueled as they grew up, particularly from other women.
Maybe that message came verbally. Maybe it came draped in innuendo and the “wisdom” of older women who had “been there, done that.” Sex was a means to an end.
And voila! In so many marriages, sex does indeed lead to babies.
Maybe you have a whole passel of rug rats clamoring for you at every waking hour. Or maybe you just have one. No matter how many you have, they are indeed blessings. (Time and money suckers too, but I digress).
“Did you get married just to have babies?”
Honestly, I wouldn’t linger too long on that question, because I think the more valid question is, “Now that you have those babies, what are you going to do about sex in your marriage?”
Because here is the disconnect in many marriages… a wife who got married to have babies… and a husband who got married to have sex.
Not that he doesn’t love those kids or didn’t want them as much as you did, but for him, sex was never a means to an end. Sex was sex!
His train of thought probably went something like this…
“Sure, we’ll have some kids! But mostly we’ll have lots of sex. Sex before we have kids. Sex when we’re trying to make the kids. Sex after the kids. Sex. Sex. And more sex.”
Now before you husbands think I’m painting you as one-track insensitive lugs, that’s not my intention at all. Personally, I find it totally endearing and God-honoring that you want to have sex — especially a lot of sex — with the woman you married.
I hear from enough of you husbands to know that for you, it’s not just about the sex. You want to connect on every level with the woman you adore.
If you are a wife grappling with this possibility that you got married just to have babies, humble your heart into the second question I posed earlier:
“Now that you have those babies, what are you going to do about sex in your marriage?”
In many marriages, once babies arrive, sex seems to take a long (permanent?) hiatus, much to the detriment of you as a wife, your husband, your marriage, and — truth be told — your kids.
Non-existent or incredibly infrequent sexual intimacy will be the undoing of your marriage.
Yes. If your lack of interest in sex is because you got what you want in the form of babies and now you see no need for sex, that could indeed be the undoing of your marriage.
“The undoing of my marriage, Julie? Really?” you might be saying. “That’s ridiculous. We’re still married. Nothing’s going to happen to our marriage.”
You could be right. But read the sentence again, and you’ll see the play on words.
“…nothing’s going to happen to our marriage.”
Did you catch it?
If you got married just to have babies, and now sex has fallen by the wayside, there is a real possibility that nothing will happen to your marriage. Nothing extraordinarily deep and soul drenching and mutually satisfying and bonding. None of that.
If you find yourself in this scenario, it’s not too late, you know. It’s not too late to grasp that while sex gave you babies, it has the potential to give you so much more.
If sex is a means to an end, why not see that end as a tender, physical, emotional and spiritual connection with the person you married?
Even if you were the woman who got married just to have babies, why not now be the wife who sees sex as so much more? You’re worth that. You really are. And so is he.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.