Have you ever wondered how your spouse feels about sex?
Or do you just assume you already know?
I think it’s not uncommon for a husband and wife to either never communicate about their sexual intimacy or to drift into limited communication, especially if they have fallen into predictable sexual patterns.
Why not get courageous and reach for greater transparency, vulnerability and richness in your sexual intimacy?
Whether you have fabulous sexual intimacy or rather diminished sexual intimacy, I encourage you to pursue something deeper.
Be brave and ask your spouse the below questions.
You don’t have to ask them all at once or in any particular order. Be discerning about good opportunities to foster this kind of conversation. And certainly don’t ask from a defensive position, but rather with a heart genuinely bent toward nurtured intimacy with your lover.
10 Best Sex Questions to Ask Your Spouse
1. Have I ever hurt you in how I have treated sex in our marriage?
Sometimes we have caused pain to the person we love the most, and we don’t even know it. This question can open some incredibly raw emotions. Resist the urge to defend yourself. Listen instead. Listen to your spouse’s heart.
2. Do you ever struggle with sexual temptation?
I’ll admit, this can be a scary one to ask.
But it can shed light into an otherwise abysmally dark area where your spouse may feel isolated and alone.
If your spouse is struggling with sexual temptation, much is to be gained by you creating a safe environment in which they can confide in you. There then is an opportunity to heal, usually by first understanding the root pain that makes the temptation so alluring.
If your spouse has acted upon sexual temptation, obviously this is deeply wounding. I don’t in any way want to minimize how hard it would be to hear such revelations.
However, there are many marriages that heal beyond infidelity, pornography addiction and other sexual betrayals. But healing can’t begin if the truth isn’t revealed and both of you aren’t committed toward restoration.
3. After we have sex, how do you feel about our relationship?
It may surprise many of you wives, but for most husbands, sex is not just about the physical release. It’s about feeling deeply connected with the wife they love.
4. What do you really like during foreplay?
Nothing benefits a couple more sexually than being teachable and willing to teach.
Build an environment where you both have the freedom to share what you like during foreplay, whether that is foreplay hours before sex with your clothes on or foreplay right before you make love.
5. What do I do during sex that you really enjoy?
Fingernails on his back? The sound of his name? The way you pull him close?
What is it that really turns your spouse on when the two of you make love? As I’ve already said, be teachable and willing to teach.
6. What does it mean to you when I climax?
I’m not sure there is any scientific study on this, but I’m going to take an educated guess here and say that the vast majority of husbands are completely enamored and excited to see and feel their wife climax.
Ask him how he feels when you have an orgasm.
7. Is there anything specific you want us to try sexually?
Certainly you don’t want to compromise biblical principles or invite third parties into your sexual intimacy. Within healthy God-honoring boundaries, though, the Lord has given you tremendous freedom in your marriage bed.
Are there things sexually that you’ve never tried that would be arousing for your spouse?
Different positions? Oral sex? Use of your hands? Different room of the house? Different way of initiating? Sexual play in the shower?
You get the idea.
8. Do you think we are setting a good sexual foundation for our kids?
Your kids don’t see you having sex, but they definitely can sense the sexual tone in your marriage.
If you glance down the road to when your kids grow up and fall in love with the person they want to marry, will you have set an example of nurtured sexual intimacy?
Will they know that sex is vitally important to a marriage?
Ask your spouse what they think about this.
9. How can I show you I am sexually attracted to you?
I know it seems like the obvious answer to this is, “Have more sex with me!” But I think most husbands and wives know that it’s more than that.
A husband has a lot of influence in helping his wife feel beautiful, whether it is in the way he verbally expresses love to her, shows her affection outside the bedroom, and compliments her both in private and in front of others.
And a wife has tremendous impact on her husband’s masculinity. A husband wants to know that he is still the “one” for his wife… that she desires him, respects him, speaks well of him in front of others.
Only you and your spouse can discover what uniquely builds sexual attraction between the two of you. Your marriage is worth this type of discovery.
10. What could we do to improve our sexual intimacy?
This is a broad question, but the answers that come from it can be quite revealing. Those answers may reveal a need for greater frequency or a desire to be more sexually playful.
You may discover that a weekend away once or twice a year is worth building into the budget.
You may find that getting more rest and more sex is better for your marriage than a super clean house or a well-manicured lawn or watching Jimmy Kimmel Live every night.
Hey, I think Jimmy Kimmel is kind of funny too, but if you’re regularly sacrificing your sexual intimacy on the altar of “let’s watch late night TV,” well, you have to start to wonder if the cost to your relationship is too high of a price to pay.
There you have it… 10 Best Sex Questions to Ask Your Spouse. Honestly, I don’t know if they are the BEST, but they certainly are a start.
What questions would you add to the mix? Please share in the comment section. And please share the post. You never know the marriages you could be helping.
And don’t forget to check out my new eBook Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage available for $5.99 for a limited time.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
13 thoughts on “10 BEST Sex Questions to Ask Your Spouse”
Great questions to ask! I especially like questions one and nine.
Not too sure about question nine. That is like telling someone what to get you for your birthday. There is no suprise or excitement for when you get it right. It dilutes it i feel.
Great questions. Couples should keep the communication going.
In # 6 above: “What does it mean to you when I climax?”, there is no attention given to the man’s climax. How do you, the wife, feel or react when your husband climaxes (either in intercourse or during oral sex)?
It is so often taken for granted when the man orgasms, but in greater and deeper loving intimacy, the wife can and will show an appreciation and shared joy when her husband ejaculates. Let’s be sensitive and appreciative of our spouse.
This appreciation of her husband’s climax can also apply to #7 above, “Is there anything specific you want us to try sexually?” If during oral sex, you have only rarely (or never) let him finish inside your mouth, you could try doing this on more occasions. (As Julie said above, “Why not get courageous and reach for greater transparency, vulnerability and richness in your sexual intimacy?”) He may not ask for this (if he knows of your reluctance), but he will be pleasantly surprised and appreciative when you do so. This complete acceptance of your husband at the time of his climax can deepen the sexual intimacy and enhance the excitement that you share with each other. You may feel more vulnerable when you allow him to ejaculate inside your mouth, but, rather quickly you can become more comfortable with it. Growth requires stretching your comfort zone and, as Julie indicated, that takes courage.
Absolutely wonderful set of questions. We will be incorporating these into our mentoring with other couples.
Good questions, I like particullarly question 5, but I also would include the question, which hidden fantasies he has.
I look forward to your newsletters..I am hoping to restore intimacy in my marriage.
Great questions! I like your blog.
This is great
this is awesome
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I’m a 51 year old my wife and I have been married 7 years the first few years were ABSOLUTLEY incredible she would call me when she would get off work expecting me to be naked in bed when she got home it was wonderful 5 years later and we hardly touch each other I have always had a very very high sex drive but now I get terrified to even bring the subject up for fear of rejection she is diabetic which I have read can diminish sex drive yet there are times her blood sugar will be normal and even then if I hint around to it she says maybe and when we prepare to perform she simply just wants to satisfy me and it has gotten to the point of 1 a week there have been periods where we have gone a month without love making I mean the interest has just vanished even with me I am at a loss I love my wife very much and find her very sexually attractive and want her but hardly ever get to touch her to make it even more difficult there have been days where she has shown no interest yet she will walk around the house wearing something she knows excites me and yet I can’t have it