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Years ago I was having lunch with my sister-in-law and my mom. In all seriousness, I asked, "What do you think is the hardest part of parenting?"
Without skipping a beat, my sister-in-law said, "Quiet sex."
All three of us erupted in laughter at her comment, which obviously referenced the lengths some couples go in keeping their sexual intimacy under wraps and out of earshot from their youngsters. Honestly, I still chuckle a bit when I think of her statement.
Certainly there are times when we need a bit of discretion in how vocal we are during sex. (Tent in a crowded campground? Hotel room next to your in-laws? Awake children just a few bedrooms over?)
I wonder, though, if some people's inhibitions are anchored in something other than, "I don't want the kids to hear us." Is that just an excuse you are using to mask other internal struggles?
Some women fear the sense of "losing control" if they fully allow themselves to experience sexual pleasure and express how good it feels. They are nervous about pleasure that is so profound it gives way to screams, moans or emphatic pleas of "don't stop!"
Other people may feel that being vocally expressive during sex is somehow incongruent with with being a Christian. Hmmm. I must have missed that on the test about commandments. Thou shalt not scream with delight when in the throes of sexual passion.
In all seriousness, some people feel expressing themselves during sex is somehow sacrilegious, as if the expression itself cheapens what is going on in the marriage bed at that moment.
Call me crazy, but it makes more sense to walk in truth than to rest in faulty theology.
Faulty theology and skewed tapes will take you and your sexual intimacy hostage. Given enough room to roam around in your heart and head, they will take you down. It probably will be a slow painful decent, but a decent nonetheless.
Do you really want that going on in your marriage?
Here are five things to consider with regard to vocal expression during sex:
1. Orgasm was God's idea.
He was the One who made it so intense and so indescribable. That was all the handiwork of the Creator. (A stunning accomplishment Lord. Kudos to You). So if we can exclaim our appreciation for a beautiful sunset or squeal with delight when we see our children playing, doesn't it make complete sense to express our genuine gratefulness for intense sexual pleasure?
2. You won't lose control if you allow yourself to experience intense pleasure.
An orgasm never rendered anyone completely senseless. I mean, I've had some off-the-charts orgasms, but if necessary I still could have managed to get the kids out of a burning house or to throw the cell phone across the room if it rang at that moment. God did not affix a warning label on marital sexual intimacy that says, "Hey, if you have a really intense orgasm with the person you love, you may become completely incapacitated."
3. God wants you to enjoy sex with the man you married!
When you genuinely express out loud that what is happening when you make love feels good, this is one of the sweetest forms of worship. You are indeed saying, "I agree with you God that marriage and sex are fabulous!"
4. It will likely turn your guy on big time if you express how good he's making you feel.
You gotta be authentic about it though. Don't be just tossing around an "Oh baby, do that again" if you don't really mean it. He'll see right through it. Instead, when something genuinely feels good -- when you are on the edge of ecstasy -- let him know. Really let him know.
5. Sex is your own private playground.
Don't put the brakes on your sexual expression because you are hung up on "what would the gals at church think" or "what would my co-workers think." First of all, who cares what they think in this scenario. You're enjoying sexual intimacy with the man you married. Any of them who are in tune with the sacredness of marriage would probably think, "You go girl!"
Recently I commented on a post my pal Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous wrote about sexy names people have for their spouses. With regard to things I call my husband, I wrote, "Well, I think in the grips of passion, I say 'Oh God' a lot. Hopefully he doesn't think it's a direct salutation."
She and I both had a laugh about that.
But it reminded me that Shannon Ethridge referenced the "Oh God" exclamation in her book The Sexually Confident Wife. She wrote...
"...maybe there's a reason we sometimes shout 'Oh, God! I'm coming!' as we experience orgasm. Perhaps sexual climax brings us closer to God than anything else on earth. Isn't a powerful and pleasurable sexual connection, when freely enjoyed between husband and wife, a sweet foretaste of the connection we'll one day experience in the afterlife? When we can intimately know God as fully as we are known by Him and enjoy basking unashamedly in His presence? For that reason alone, let us overcome any spiritual obstacles holding us back from experiencing our own little slice of Heaven here on earth!"
You can agree or disagree with Shannon. You can agree or disagree with me.
But if you are refusing to be vocally expressive during sex because you think there is something inherently wrong with it, then I encourage you to surrender that at the foot of the cross. Get real with your Savior and get real with your husband. For crying out loud, get real with yourself.
If on the other hand you think quiet sex is the hottest thing ever, have at it. Just make sure you somehow are conveying to your husband that you really enjoy sexual pleasure with him. Maybe a few fingernails dug into his back will do the trick. I'm sure you won't find him complaining.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Sexual Intimacy in Marriage Blog.