Five Truths About Sexual Confidence
Posted on Monday, June 7th, 2010
(This post is a companion piece to a guest post I did over on TheMarryBlogger site titled “I Think the Proverbs 31 Wife Liked Being On Top.” Check that one out and then let me know what you think of the below post!)
Sexual confidence? Do you think it is something relegated to “hot” Hollywood types or scantily-dressed women with flat stomachs and big breasts?
Be careful to not buy easily-promoted lies. Sexual confidence is not about what is portrayed on a movie screen or in provocative advertising or media. Unfortunately (and sadly), those are exactly the surface barometers many people use to gauge sexual confidence.
There are many wives (maybe yourself included) who think, “I just can’t be confident in bed. I don’t know how. I don’t even know if it would be morally right.” But the best potential for sexual confidence is actually IN marriage. That is the only place where God intended sex to be savored and uninhibited… where sexuality doesn’t occur against a backdrop of skewed sexual messages doled out on magazine covers and movie screens.
Here are five truths to consider:
1. You aren’t flying solo. You have a guidebook. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is the clearest reference in the Bible that a husband and a wife should not withhold their bodies from each other. That means that both are encouraged to initiate sex. Initiation is one indicator of confidence, so it stands to reason that if you want to be more confident, initiate sex more (even if you don’t feel confident initially). For more reading that exudes sexual confidence in its right context, read Song of Songs, a small book in the Old Testament that shows the wonderful gift of sexual intimacy within marriage.
2. Sexual confidence is a learned behavior. You can learn to arouse your husband. Instead of just going through the motions of how you typically make love, try extended caressing. Start with a good mix of light and firm touches… all over your husband’s body. As women, we think a man’s penis is the only thing he wants touched. Guess again. Get to know his entire body with your hands, fingertips, fingernails, breasts and tongue. Don’t limit yourself to his penis, but travel all over his body.
3. Body image is not nearly as important as attitude. I recognize that many women struggle with body image…their weight or their not-so-flat stomachs or their breasts that show the wear and tear of caring for babies, etc. But let’s put things in their right perspective. The “perfect” image perpetuated by Hollywood and advertisers does not represent the majority of people. Instead of lamenting about what you see as every single physical flaw, take a good look at your attitude. You have the right and the ability to sexually arouse your husband. Until you embrace that perspective, sexual confidence will always elude you…to the detriment of yourself and your husband.
4. Vulnerability actually can help your confidence. If you are feeling hesitant about being more confident in bed, talk to your husband about this. If you together have never talked about sex, this can feel awkward. But do you really want to sacrifice great sex on the altar of “awkwardness”? I believe the more you talk about sex, the more comfortable you become talking about sex. This can include (but not be limited to) sharing about what turns each of you on, what you are confused about, etc.
5. Praying about sexual confidence can make a difference. Yeah, sounds just plain crazy doesn’t it? To cry out to the Lord about your sexual confidence? But we serve and love a Lord who cares deeply about every aspect of our life. And sex was His idea! Think of someone who has created the most amazing exclusive resort. You are invited to the resort but not quite familiar with all its features…the hidden waterfall, the secluded white sand beach, the complimentary spa, the homemade chocolate chip cookies brought to your door if you just ask, etc. Don’t you think the resort creator wants you to enjoy EVERY aspect of the resort? Don’t you think he wants you to know what is rightfully yours? That is how God thinks about sex in marriage. Ask Him to help you embrace sex as a playground of Godly delight.
You are an amazing woman, formed by God’s own hands in His image. You’re hot. And sexual satisfaction in your marriage can go to heights you maybe have never imagined. Why not start tonight taking even one baby step in that direction?
Wonderful tips! I think sexual confidence is all about learning his / her partner’s needs. Sexual confidence is all about focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship. To focus on the what a couple WANTS in a relationship, it’s important to first identify their own individual needs and wants.
I Think the Proverbs 31 Wife Liked Being on Top says: June 8th, 2010 at 4:41 am
[...] I definitely think the Proverbs 31 Wife liked being on top. And if she were around today, I’d sit with her in her vineyard, talk about marriage and life, and drink good wine. Want to read more about what sexual confidence looks like and how you can learn to be more sexually confident, visit my post here. [...]
A hearty Amen to all five! Great advice.
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
It was all good, but this is worth repeating, and repeating, and repeating. Any woman can learn to be amazing in bed, if she is willing to work at learning.
Paul
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
Sexual confidence is a learned behavior
Thanks Paul! You are right… sexual confidence is a learned behavior! Thanks for the comment!
Under Pretties | Daily Generous Wife Tips says: June 12th, 2010 at 4:32 am
[...] – Tips to Last 47 Years Beyond the bucket list – Swift Kick in the Life List – from Simple Marriage Five Truths About Sexual Confidence from Intimacy in Marriage I would have to agree with Julie that Sex and the Soul of a Woman is a [...]
Two fingers of pleasure says: June 13th, 2010 at 12:15 am
[...] Five Truths About Sexual Confidence: In my opinion, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage is one of the great new voices out there on sex in marriage. Her stuff is aimed at women, but I point out many of her posts so you can understand your bride better, and share with her as appropriate. [...]
I disagree that sexual confidence is a learned behavior. I believe it is there, but in lots of women (and some men…my husband included) it has been repressed due to upbringing.
Of course it can be relearned if it has been repressed!
Hey great article, but do you think that you can be too confident? We are young and we’ve only been married for 2 years. I know my husband has a lower drive, but I wonder if I can contribute to that because I am always ready for action. We talked last week and he said he might need to look into some things regarding his drive, but I wonder if women can contribute due to non verbal approach. I dont say anything but I do use lots of language to suggest what I’m in the mood for. Have you ever heard of that being a turn off?
Thanks “workin’ on it” for the comment… Hmmm… can you be too confident sexually? Not sure, but I lean toward “no.” I think that what you’re really talking about is having sex drives that differ. You feel confident in intiating, which is a good thing! As for whether this is a turn off to your husband, best way to find out is to ask him, emphasizing of course that you really want to have an open honest discussion about it. In other words, you can’t ask him for his opinion and then get completely defensive if indeed he admits this is a turn off. As for his sex drive, I do really encourage that he meet with a doctor. His testosterone could be low, but only way to find out is to test for it. And if this is the case, it’s an easy situation to resolve. What I would really encourage as well is to keep the lines of communication open so that you both feel very comfortable talking about your intimacy, initiating sex, expressing your desires, etc. This is so important (and really is underestimated by a lot of couples, which is why so many couples fall into a pattern of assuming what the other person wants or is thinking). Thanks again for the comment… blessings on your marriage!
Excellent post, and thanks for the hint to rethink my priorities!