marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
3 Things Your Husband Wants in Bed
May
I realize some husbands are insensitive and walking way outside God’s lines with some of their sexual requests. And that’s just plain wrong.
So if you are reading this and you’re that guy… stop it. Stop being careless with your marriage.
I also know, though, that there are many husbands who really are good guys. And they want godly sexual intimacy with their wives.
And that is a good thing.
Yet, some wives don’t see it as a good thing that their husbands desire sex.
So these husbands who would be demonized for considering porn or an affair are equally demonized for wanting sex in its right context.
Either way, they are… well… you get the idea.
I’m simply trying to point out an irony that seems to be carelessly overlooked in too many Christian circles.
In no way am I saying pornography or infidelity is justified, so hear me out. I’m a Christian woman who writes and speaks about sex, so in my neck of the woods, I am well aware of the devastation and sinfulness that is inherent with porn and infidelity.
I recognize the pain. The work of the enemy in it all. The deep wounds and scars that betrayal leaves in its wake.
Horrendous pain all the way around is certainly the calling card of confessed or discovered sexual sin, as those who have lived it will attest to.
All things considered, it really should come as no surprise why I’m so passionate about the need for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage. I am compelled to point out difficult ironies because I care about your marriage.
Too often when a man seeks sex with his wife — or tries to point out that sex is an issue in the marriage — there is not enough credence given to his voice.
He is downplayed. Ignored. Or worse, ridiculed. He is made to feel ashamed for his healthy sexual desire.
Yet, he is speaking about something and desiring something that is completely biblical and expected of him as a husband.
He is not being unreasonable because he wants sex on a somewhat regular basis with the one person God has told him to have sex with.
In general, as the church — the body of believers — we have become experts at vilifying pornography and infidelity with the loudest of voices.
And, at the same time, we generally have been hauntingly silent when it comes to speaking positively, specifically and frequently about the need for and value of nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage.
And we are fooling ourselves if we think promiscuity, pornography, infidelity, sexual abuse and sex trafficking are the only sexual matters that grieve God’s heart.
He is grieved also when a husband and wife are not mutually enjoying, pursuing and holding in high regard His gift of sexual intimacy.
3 Things Your Husband Wants in Bed?
Well, most the husbands who reach out to me in desperation for advice do deeply love their wives. And they would give these answers to the above question…
1. He wants a wife who wants him sexually.
Yes, I get that you think he is a good provider. And a good father. And you maybe even consider him a really good friend — your partner in this thing called life.
But he also needs to know you desire him sexually.
We as wives really can’t comprehend how much a husband feels validated if his wife desires him sexually (unless you study this sort of thing and/or are paying attention in your marriage).
It’s hard for us to understand, because most wives would say they feel validated when their husband is nice to them, shows them compassion, listens attentively.
One way is not right and the other way wrong. Both ways are right. Just because what helps him feel respected and validated is different than yours, doesn’t mean his way isn’t worth your attention.
He wants you to want him sexually.
2. He wants a wife who shows up.
If your husband is like most, he doesn’t want a wife who simply goes through the motions.
To make your body available — yet withhold your heart, enthusiasm and attention — is almost as painful as if you didn’t even offer your body. At least that’s what the guys tell me.
And this isn’t about trying to create the perfect sexual adventure or pick out the sexiest lingerie. Nope. It’s about you being you and looking forward to making love to your husband.
3. He wants a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure.
This is the crux of many sexual struggles — the wife is not experiencing orgasm and/or she is indifferent about climaxing.
God designed orgasm for both a husband and a wife, and the reality we have to navigate is that a wife getting there is usually more complex than a man getting there.
BUT — and here’s the tipping point to it all — a wife getting there is possible. With some vulnerable communication, a willingness to spend more time on foreplay and a devotion to understanding the wife’s body.
She needs to help him understand what is arousing for her. He needs to be willing to let her show him and teach him.
Honestly, one reason I like sex so much is because I like orgasm so much. And I like it with the man I married, who appreciates my sexual pleasure as much as his own.
With everything in me, I believe most sexual struggles in marriages not only can be healed, but also can be redeemed and made into something amazing.
I’m exhausted with people trying to tell me that sex doesn’t matter in a marriage. Too many broken marriages and distraught emails — not to mention the Bible and the entire industry of marriage counseling — tell me otherwise.
Common sense tells me otherwise.
We need to listen to common sense, God’s Word, our spouse’s heart cry, and to the truth that is revealed in a marriage bed when sex rarely or never happens.
The truth begs us to change unhealthy patterns.
Do you know what your husband wants in bed?
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Right on point. As a man I confirm that’s exactly what we want in bed.
If ladies really understood what the marriage act means to a man (and a marriage) they would commit more under the sheets and have better marriages as a result.
If not, they’ll continue giving a myriad excuses not to be intimate with their husbands and destroy their unions in the process. And then blame it all on the poor devil.
I pray for all ladies reading this to catch the lovemaking revelation in marriage.
I guess it’s more common for the husband to be the one always seeking sex from his wife, but I wish there was more support out there for the wives who are seeking sex from husbands. It’s painful to feel rejected.
Thank you Julie!!! Right on point, and you’d better believe I’ll be bookmarking this one to share all around!
~Jason
@Jennifer… I agree with you that it is painful and certainly there are wives who are the ones rejected. Very devastating. I have a page on my site with posts that specifically addresses wives who want more sex and aren’t getting it…
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
I hope you find some things helpful on it. I’m so sorry for your pain.
This statement struck me in particular: “we generally have been hauntingly silent when it comes to speaking positively, specifically and frequently about the need for and value of nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage.” Yep, I’ve seen it.
But I was also refreshingly surprised when our church started a marriage class recently, and the older man leading it (who’s a marriage and family therapist) openly advocated the importance of sex. He didn’t bat an eye, blush one bit, or make apologies about what God’s Word says. Thank Heaven that this is slowly turning around. I know so many marriages need a positive voice in this regard — including your voice!
After over a year married to my husband (who is wonderful), and consistently asking him to join me in initiating sex, and still never having had an orgasm with him (via any means), its difficult to continue being the only one who asks for or initiate sex, and at the same time, the only one who isn’t deriving physical pleasure from it. Its not uncomfortable, but I feel like in order to communicate that I enjoy it, I have to pretend. I don’t fake orgasms, but i act interested when its boring, or respond to his touch, when it doesn’t feel like anything. This is going to be very difficult to continue for the long haul. What do you do when your husband ISN’T asking for sex? (I’m confident he’s not cheating or engaged with porn)
This is a great post, Julie, and one I will be passing on through FB and my blog. I have at least one friend who shares with me how she hates that her husband just wants sex all the time. She says demeaning things about him in this area and it makes my heart hurt for not only him, but her too. I think of how much she is missing by refusing him, and thinking of sex as a chore and not a vital part of her marriage.
As a higher drive wife myself, I’m right there with Jennifer. I’d give anything for my husband to make love to me more than once a week. My husband is a good man, I love him dearly and we truly are best friends. But it is me seeking more sexual intimacy whereas he seems content with once a week. I would gladly spend more time under the sheets with him.
I acknowledge that part of our issue is his horribly long work hours during the week, but even on the weekends it is usually once on Saturday morning and that is it. I finally cried out to him a couple weeks ago that I just want to feel desired the rest of the time even if he truly has no interest or is just too tired. I just need to hear sometimes that he wants me and would make love if he weren’t so tired, but honestly, it’s still not the same.
Having said that, I do know my husband loves me, that I don’t doubt, and I do know how exhausted he is from how hard he works, but once a week is not enough for me. I admit, it’s how I feel really loved by him. And it’s very frustrating too if for some reason I’m not able to climax that one time because I will then be waiting a week and honestly, I love orgasm too and feel almost cheated if he finishes but I can’t.
I wish there were simply steps to take to increase our frequency, but there just isn’t, at least not in my case.
I feel some days like I’m starving for sexual intimacy or maybe I just think about it too much. Perhaps I need to find a job or hobby to take my mind off of it. 😉 I feel selfish for feeling how I do because I know how hard he works and how difficult it is for him to want to make love when he’s so tired, but if the shoe were on the other foot everyone would be telling me how it’s important I still meet his needs.
@Amanda… I’m sorry to hear about the situation in your marriage regarding sex. The posts over at this link may offer some insights… https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
Julie
In former times husbands thought there were two types of women: sexy & wifely. They expected what husbands get.
Recently, husbands have figured out that each women is both, because she was sexy before marriage and lost interest and/or enthusiasm afterwards.
Being with someone he has to beg, for “do we have to?” or “get it over-with” make him feel ugly AND incompetent. Every husband imagines she’d want him if he did it better.
Women are as challenged by long term monogamy as men are. Once they have that guy’s genetic material, Women are designed or evolved to crave different, and be bored with more of the same man. Men are always tempted by variety, but rarely bored with repetition.
Staying in Mush AND Lust with him, is her challenge.
Staying exclusive in Mush & Lust with only her, is his challenge.
It may sound silly but if sex is a.drag pray for God to help you find.it satisfying,prayer works, when the word says pray about everything I think this counts too. I can say from experience if you are having trouble reaching an orgasm it could be that there is some time of baggage holding you back from being completely free in the bedroom, i.believe sex and good sex is crucial for a.marriage to survive. My hudband and i are in a very hard season right now our kids are all small, im pregnant, he is working.long hours, but sex is on point and made a priority and done regularly and it has helped us stay close in this very challenging season. We both have had previous partners before our marriage but both agree our.best sex is now, because we have forgiven the hurt, and.made finding what works a priority, being free to.discover what makes you reach climax is.important..
If a husband who wants sexual intimacy with his wife is looked down upon or viewed unfavorably, there is more involved than just the churches’ silence on the important role of sexual intimacy in marriage. Feminism in the US has much to answer for. Equity feminism is a good thing, but feminism got hijacked in the 1960s and is now gender or radical feminism. This distorted feminist perspective sees men as inherently ego-centric and insensitive to women. The culture is very ill, very toxic in the US these days.
Moral of the story: Parents need to send a positive message to their daughters that sex within marriage, as designed by God, is a good and necessary thing. As well, we ought to call it lovemaking as it is more than just physical sex. The emotions are intimately involved.
I wanted to say thank you! Thanks to you and J for your help!
As a husband, I am using both blogs as a way to help me frame my words, so I can share and communicate my feelings with my wife.
It’s a gentle, careful thing to do. However, I am thankful, because last night my wife and I were given a gift that I believe was from God himself; the model of what sex in marriage should be like! Given all that we’ve been through, that was not a gift I could have given by myself, it had to come from somewhere that was not tained with our past.
To the other men struggling, I want to say that my heart has been broken like yours. I know that feeling of being the last priority in your wife’s life, even when she says you’re not. I know that guilt and negativity of never being pursued and always asking. I know what it is like to be ridiculed and vilified for who you are.
Prepare yourself. Find a way to squash the negativity that has buried your heart and gain a bearing on exactly what it is you feel and need, so that you can respond lovingly to your wife when the time comes. I pray you are given a gift of a template that allows you to apply that knowledge so that you may then lead by example for your wife.
This is our 3rd year of struggling and I’m not comfortable saying that even with the gift we were given that our problem is resolved. However, a new baseline has been established and my wife now has an example of what our sex should look and feel like. That will only help as I continue to understand her needs and as I help her understand mine.
Be thankful and appreciate the times when you feel renewed and use them to your advantage. Open your heart and don’t be afraid to let your exact feelings be known when times are good. Those can be future examples down your path to a better relationship!
“He wants a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure”
Could it be that a wife’s sexual pleasure reduces a husband’s guilt about his fantasies of having sex with other women? I have read that women tend to fantasize about relational/emotional encounters with their mates, but men generally fantasize about sex with other women. One expert wrote there are two kinds of husbands: those who fantasize about other women while having sex with their wives and those who lie about it. Perhaps it’s not just about relieving guilt, but also about feeling accepted and approved?
The main reason why women are the way they are according to this article is because of the influence Satan has in the secular world as well as the Christian world. Christianity has done just as much to destroy intimacy as the secular world does, but in its own way. The secular world promotes carnal seduction while the Christian world promotes sex only for procreation. A woman is told within Christianity that if she wants sex a lot, she must be deviant and she is not focusing on God. The same is true for men in the same scenario. This is one of the many reasons why Christianity is despised by some and avoided by others. Christian theologians are so busy being “spiritual”, when in reality they are really promoting their own theology, that they all but openly demonize God’s gift of sex. Right now, I am headed for divorce because the woman I am legally obligated to (I cannot call her a wife because of the many transgressions she has committed against me including deception and using me as a means to an end for her achieving her aspirations) willfully refused to have sex. The times when she finally did consent, I would have felt more passion and affection from a mannequin. That woman never learned how to stop being disrespectful, irreverent, rebellious, defiant, contemptuous, disdainful, proud, arrogant, obnoxious, spiteful, and any other negative attribute you can sum up in a single word: Jezebel. You may think it is not right for me to publish this, but you haven’t suffered the way I have. Thankfully, I don’t have long to wait. The only negative part of the divorce is that a 7 year old boy is involved, because all children suffer emotionally because of divorce. However, thankfully, I will only have about 10 years to deal with a Jezebel.
I totally disagree with that “expert” cited by Reba above. My husband of 25 years next month is a man who since I was 14 has only had eyes for me.
Calling men who are truly “one woman men” liars who secretly fantasize about other women in bed is rather insulting – same for the automatic belief that all men masturbate or lie. Men do not have to act like an animal that needs to mentally roam and pursue “variety” in order to be fulfilled and happy. It is a choice and it starts in the heart.
I am of the opinion that men who roam with their eyes and their minds and their hearts very quickly create sexless wives. Men who watch provocative movies with partial and full nudity and sex scenes and then expect their wife to warm up later in the bedroom. . . they earn the cold response and then some. God never meant for sex to be on Hollywood display. Men need to return to GENTLEmen who refuse to take it in. I believe this is a huge part of this problem with disinterested women. Both genders are accountable for the problem. If my husband was a “roamer” – I promise you – I would go from red hot to ice cold. Done.
Godly men who love their own wives and desire purity of heart and mind are not something impossible. We have a very happy marriage and very frequent sex – and ten children to boot.
I read all these Christian intimacy blogs and get depressed, because I am one of those statistics whose wife is basically asexual. It helps slightly to know that I am not the only one who is suffering, but really it does nothing to improve my situation. In fact, it ultimately makes me feel helpless, because while I’m not perfect by any means, when I look at myself and what I can improve (in a failed effort to avoid pointing a blaming finger at my wife) I come up empty. Everything I can think of or have read suggesting what I can change about myself to improve my situation has already been tried.
Again, I am not perfect. But I feel that I do (to the best of my ability and effort) go above and beyond to fulfill my duties as a husband. Not out of obligation, or in expectation of reward, but because I care about her happiness and well-being. As a Christian, I’m not supposed to judge, and I’m supposed to turn the other cheek. So when my wife neglects me and essentially is self-centered when it comes to our relationship, I’m literally left with no options. Helpless.
I’ve spoken to her directly (which fell on deaf ears), shown her these blogs (much to her disdain), we’ve gone to counseling (which she decided was “not for her”), and in the end I feel that she doesn’t care. Not in the sense that she is flippantly dismissive about it, but in that she is ignorant of the importance so it doesn’t matter to her. She is not a bad person, but she takes offense to any shortcomings I may bring to her attention, and immediately dismisses them as invalid. There is no better word for that than arrogance. She would never admit it, but she thinks she is infallible (at least in my eyes, which in fairness is probably my own fault). So when I show her where she is wrong, I end up being the bad guy.
She doesn’t feel sexual desire, and has stated that she just isn’t attracted to me and never really was. She feels like physical attraction is childish, and intimacy is solely for my benefit. And being that that is the case, she doesn’t feel she should have to satisfy my “needs” because that makes her feel like an object to be used. She doesn’t see it as mutual, and essentially my needs are unreasonable (and not really needs, but desires). But if I were to ever cheat on her (which would never happen because I love her, simple as that) she thinks that is unforgivable and would divorce me immediately. I think this is hypocritical at best, since I think withholding or refusing sex is essentially the same as infidelity, or at the very least can be an indirect cause of it. Also, I don’t believe in divorce, so no matter how unhappy I am, there is nothing I can do; I don’t have that recourse. I have to wait for her to see that she is wrong and take steps to correct it, which I fear will never happen. Which again, makes me feel helpless.
So I read these blogs, hoping that she may one day read them too…
In reply to Robert: It seems there is a larger problem in your marriage. There are people who do not have giving natures. For these individuals, it is difficult for them to give of themselves for the other person in the relationship. Yet, relationships involve give and take and are not one way streets. I feel for you in your situation. You say that she said she never was really attracted to you. Why then did she get married? I wish I had some helpful advice for you. Hopefully, your wife will begin to look at herself more honestly and more objectively and see the need for change.
In reply to Kimberly: Did I miss something here? Kimberly you do not address the scenario where the man succumbs to the temptation to look at other women because his needs are not being met by his wife. Given all the comments on various blogs by sex starved husbands, this scenario is more prevalent than many realize. Yes, men should be “gentlemen”. And, women should be loving wives.
We do not hesitate (rightly) to call it unfaithfulness when one spouse seeks sex outside of the marriage, but we find all sorts of ways not to call it unfaithfulness when one spouse withholds sexual intimacy within the marriage. Both are sin. http://choosetotrust.com/2014/05/two-components-of-faithfulness
Julie, can I look forward to a follow-up to this post called “3 things your wife wants in bed”
@Lulu4ever… absolutely! When my crazy life calms down (like, when will that be?! Ha!)… I would love to do a post about “3 Things Your Wife Wants in Bed.”
Soon. I promise. 🙂
I actually chuckled when I read the title of this blog, and then chuckled again upon reading each of the 3 points. I chuckled because for about 5 years I had been trying to articulate these 3 very simple concepts in a manner that would resonate with my wife. I tried telling her nicely and I tried it in anger. Anger turned to resentment, and resentment turned to ridicule. I became hateful. And. It. Tore. Me. Apart. to feel that way towards the woman that I love so much.
What it took was for me to do a lot of soul searching. It took my reliance upon God to help me be forgiving and not selfish. I had to consider that maybe I was part of the problem. So, I began to read and seek out help with my own thought patterns. Julie’s site made the difference for me and my wife.
I sat my wife down and had a very serious conversation with her about how FOR ME our lack of a sexual relationship was spilling over into every other aspect of our marriage. I told her the truth: That I resented her, was angry with her, and that it hurt to feel that way. I also told her about my soul-searching and that I desperately needed her to work with me on re-establishing our sexual relationship. I also began to do the things I used to do when we were dating. I call, text, or email her with flattering side comments and compliments. I hug her more often throughout the day. I do more things around the house and help her with projects and try not to do it begrudgingly. I shared with my wife if God is involved in our marriage, He is involved in all aspects of it and we should make it joyful, beautiful, and fulfilling. This includes sex and lovemaking!
And since, we have all but ripped the roof off our sexual relationship! What used to be once a month is now 2-3 times per week with a quickie in there somewhere. In my giving unselfishly, I receive unselfishly. Who woulda thunk it?
My sex life used to be wonderful. I felt close to my husband and we were both very eager to please each other. But then my husband came up with a fantasy. I don’t really know if he has always had this fantasy or just found it on the internet. But now during sex he wants me to fulfill this fantasy for him. And it makes me feel very worthless and cheap doing it. He has no desire to take the effort to please me anymore and I have found that he is unable to “finish” sex when I don’t do this fantasy. I believe it has become a fetish. But after talking to him multiple times and having him promise me he will not ask for it next time he still continues to demand it. I can not deny him sex since this would put an even greater distance between us. But I feel no attraction to him any more because of this. And sad to say I look at sex as just another chore to check off my list for the day. I’ve offered to find some other thing we could do to replace this fantasy but he will not even try. What words can I use to make him see how awful this makes me feel? I certainly haven’t found any that work. All he will tell me is that he likes it….end of conversation. How I feel doesn’t matter. And then he wonders why I don’t express more love towards him during the rest of the day. How can this be changed? I don’t want to lose the closeness we once had forever.
One word “bingo”. This was so “spot on” it should be a requirement before signing a marriage license.
I think the key here is “nurtured sexual intimacy” which should include nurturing the whole relationship for, without relationship the sexual act makes me feel used and, I believe, is not what God intended. I did not orgasm for the first 20 years of marriage due to foreplay of any kind ever lasting more than a couple of minutes or the entire act itself being over in a few minutes. As you said, you love orgasm. So do I, now that I’ve had one. Can you blame a wife for becoming disinterested in sex when the husband makes it all about his pleasure year after year, even if it’s done out of naivete on both our parts? Because the relationship is strained and absolutely none of my relational need is met I find it very difficult to enjoy being with my husband physically. When he participates in foreplay he acts bored which does nothing to help and actually makes me feel like I’m too much trouble. He’s even complained that I take too long.He never says anything to me or about my body; conversation or ‘tips’ are a no-go with him. Over the last 18 months I have initiated many times, been interested, etc.trying to fix what he said was broken. At this point I am convinced that sex is not going to fix our problems because, as I am working on my ‘issues,’ he is not and says he has none/never has. I’m not sure what you mean by “withholding your heart.” And, if I am, under these circumstances, how do I not? I can see that sex is important to a man. It’s important to me, too. It is no less a sin for a man to withhold daily affection, touch, kind words, some conversation or foreplay from his wife than for her to be uninterested or afraid and be hesitant in my response. I have apologized numerous times for my former attitude (‘all you think about is sex’) which I’m sure was very hurtful. But to be expected to be “all in” when you get nothing beforehand or afterward is hurtful to the core of who I am, also. I hate that this is what has become of us.
While the intentions of this article are good and the points valid – it makes very sweeping generalizations that have been repeated by many ‘marriage seminars’ ad nauseam. The whole idea that ‘men want sex all the time’ is very misleading and can lead to heartache and disappointment, if taken as the whole truth.
As some women pointed out above, there are many wives who feel neglected and unloved in the marriage, because their husbands do not want sex with them, or want it less than they do. I know stories of Christian women who bought this whole hook, line and asinker of men having a high libido, only to find out after the wedding that their hubbies weren’t such sex machines they were drilled by the church AND experts. Libido and sexual drive is an individual thing, and should be respected as a part of the person. The issue should be discussed before marriage, to avoid misconceptions and disappointments.. There are many men who indeed have a low sex drive (even when they are healthy, excercise etc…), and that’s OK – they just should be honest about that, before getting married.
As a single woman who is praying for a godly man who would appreciate a warm, sexual woman, I cannot imagine any male having a higher libido than myself.. lol. But I would be happy if my husband was built that way 🙂 The goal of marriage should be building a blessed and holy union – with every tool available, and sexuality is one way to grow and stay connected.
NGirl correctly points out that sex drive is an individual thing. As well, it can change over time. I think a man with a low sex drive, if he is young and healthy, could achieve a higher drive if he keeps in mind that his loving wife desires sex with him frequently and that he needs to try to satisfy her needs. We tend to overlook that the mind is very powerful and a purposeful change in our thinking can help us to do more. (It may be that some men suffer from a poor view of sex, or think that it is “dirty” and thus are not comfortable with it and desire it less due to this negative mental outlook.)
Excellent advice that expectations as to frequency of sex ought to be discussed when the couple is engaged. Once married, spouses can work together and make adjustments.
Hopefully NGirl you will find a godly man who loves you for who you are and appreciates you.
I think this post is a wonderful start, but I think it perhaps doesn’t go deep enough. I reviewed it with my husband, and he agreed. He said “It’s missing a 4 and a 5.”
Pardon me for being a bit bold, but it’s my opinion that men want a woman who will…well, allow them to be “the man” in bed. Without going into too great of detail, that means to have at it, so to speak…thrusting with power and vigor. Perhaps in a more dominant position such as doggy style or something.
I think some women, such as myself, really adore being taken, as well, and find that kind of desire appealing — but I also believe some women don’t realize how important it is for a man, and never…ask to be “taken”.
So my advice is, well…be the woman. It’s what he wants.
I guess I have to settle for 2 out of 3. My wife will enjoy sex, and she will be present, but she just doesn’t want it. She is fine without it. We often have good sex. She orgasms easily and often. But her life is fine without sex. Going without doesn’t effect her mood, or her perspective on our relationship. If all else is good, and no sex, that’s just fine with her. So then it feels that the sex is about me – I’m the needy one. And it just gets humiliating to be the one always asking. I guess I can ask her to read this and try to fake wanting it, but it would just be an acting job. This has been a conflict for me for years (married over 20 yrs). I have been hoping that when the burden of raising children lessens, maybe she would find interest in focusing on us more. But no. So the more I read articles like this, the more discouraged I get. I wish Julie (and other bloggers) would be more real about the fact that people are wired differently, and asking someone to want something they don’t is asking them to lie.
AnonA said “It is no less a sin for a man to withhold daily affection, touch, kind words, some conversation or foreplay from his wife than for her to be uninterested or afraid and be hesitant in my response.”
Amen to that. And so often the advise given to men about ‘complimenting your wife’ is sooooo off base. Men will say things like ‘you’re so beautiful, you’re so sexy, that was a great dinner, you’re a good mother, you turn me on’ etc. Those words are NOT compliments to most women. Women don’t want to hear ‘you’re so sexy’ when they think all men want is sex. Those words only re-enforce the stereo type. What most women that I have spoken with want is for their husbands to truly compliment WHO they are, not WHAT they do. Their want husbands who respect and aknowledge their intelligence, their hard work, their caring, their honesty, They want husband who know them as a PERSON, not just an object. And not just acknowledge the things they do for them. I know I want respect just as much as my husband does. We’ve been married for over 35 years. For 30 years of those years, he thought of sex as a some kind of sport. Something for him to fun at playing. I don’t play sports and I don’t see the sense in sports. Sports have a goal of winning the game. And there’s always only ONE winner. Sex is not some sport where there’s a ‘winner’. Sex is TWO people building communication, sharing and caring about the other person and not ones self. Sex should be about the bonding, the connection, and about uplifting up the OTHER person, and nothing about self. Sex should never be selfish. If there’s always a ‘winner’ then there has to be a ‘loser’. And anybody will eventually get tired of being the loser and quit playing the ‘game’. That’s why wives quit playing – they get tired of always be the loser. At least that the reason my circle of friends give. And I’m talking about good Christian women. These women are just so tired of the church preaching that sex is a man’s entitlement. It’s not. Not even in marriage. In marriage – your only ‘entitlement’ is to serve your spouse. It takes TWO good-willed servants to make a marriage work. And when the marriage works, then the sex works also.
@Dee … I think you make some good points, but I think you generalize some too. I do know women who would love to hear their husband say they are beautiful, as well as other comments.
I agree with you, though, that for a marriage to work well, it takes two good-willed servants. I would add that they are servants who are seeking after God’s heart. A key factor, however, is that we are not to wait for the other person to do their part. We are accountable for our part.
You say that women are just so tired of the church preaching sex is a man’s entitlement. My hope would be that churches are preaching God’s Word, which is clear that husbands AND wives are not to withhold their bodies from each other. Sex IS a part of marriage. Sex is an expectation of marriage.
I know plenty of husbands who are good solid Christian husbands who are genuinely loving their wives as Christ loved the church… they are being the husbands God has called them to be… and yet their wives are still withholding sex. That’s equally devastating as when the situation is reversed… a wife who is a godly wife following God’s design for being wife, yet her husband is NOT loving her as Christ loved the church.
We need to be a body of people who are committed to encouraging strong marriages all the way around.
I appreciate your comment, though. And definitely good communication is vital if a couple is ever to understand each other sexually and mutually be fulfilled in the way God designed.
I am a wife who denied my husband of intimacy as often as he wanted. He loved and desired me all the time and I just let it go. I pushed him away by saying no, I’m tired, that’s all you want. I even went as far to tell him to find someone else. Well, he did. I was devastated but soon realized I had to take responsibility in my part. I didn’t realize how I hurt him too. All he wanted was to feel desired and loved by me and I didn’t do it. Well he gave in to the first one to give it to him. Thank God it was a short affair and more physical than emotional and when he realized it was wrong and not what he wanted he ended it and told me. I know it was the hardest thing he had to do. I believe He was filling a void I wasn’t giving him. She was not what he wanted it was the act. The act he wanted from me. Well I thank The Lord that he was remorseful and ashamed for his actions and I too was ashamed for the way I treated my husband. We both repented and went back to church. With Gods help we are now closer and stronger than ever. I now understand how precious my marriage is and how my husbands needs are important as he realizes my need are important too. I can not express the love and passion we now have every night. It’s amazing and sometimes it’s just holding each other n talking.
Wives, listen to me… Please your husband in loving ways, respect them, be their friend, lover, give them attention and be a supporter. Husbands show your wife they are the most important thing in your life, romance them, help them, protect and appreciate them.
I was lucky my husband didn’t walk away from me and he was lucky I gave him a second chance. Forgiveness is hard but not impossible. Jesus died on the cross for our sins and he forgave us. Love is worth saving and restoring. It’s never too late. Fight for your marriage.
Ultimately no one can change someone else. What everyone CAN do is to change his or her attitude. I love my wife dearly but I admit we do not make love as often as I would like. Then I really READ Ephesians 5:22-33 but especially 25-33 which applies to the husband. These verses place a heavy load on the husband which he could not bear without the help of Jesus, but with God nothing is impossible. For over two years I have tried to live out these verses and the difference in our marriage is wonderful. I now realise that my wife is an amazing gift from God to me. He knew the woman I needed and He brought her into my life. She has needs which call for me to do more than many husbands simply because of her physical limitations. I enjoy looking after her, I love her more than ever (and she, me) after nearly 40 years. We are both in our 70s and our sex life is more thrilling than ever. I have ED and need a ‘pill’ to make it possible so we have to schedule our intimate moments. We do it the same way every time but this pleases both of us. Recently, for some reason neither of us achieved orgasm and I felt depressed. When asked I told her why and when I went to bed the next night she said “We should make love now, honey.” It was the most beautiful experience for both of us. I know that our marriage is getting better and better solely because there is now a third person truly involved, namely Jesus. By the way we make love more often now. Retirement has benefits!
My hubby would rather watch porn and masterbate than have sex with me. He says its easier what am i suppose to do?
I would love if my wife could have an intimate relationship with something other than her phone… perhaps even with me.
That would be something.
I resent so much that the sex I give isn’t good enough. I don’t like sex, it’s work, it cuts into my valuable sleep. Yet, when my husband asks for sex, I give it too him without complaint. I work very hard to get him to orgasm quickly so I can go to sleep or get on with my day. Am I enthusiastic? No. No one is enthusiastic about washing dishes or cleaning the toilet, but those things have to get done. Like other chores, I have sex without complaining, but my husband acts like the sex I give him isn’t good enough.
Maybe it isn’t that over-the-top porn sex, but at least he gets sex without complaint whenever he asks for it (with the lights on, no less, since I’m the only naked woman he’s supposed to look at, so I let him look at me). I resent so much that this isn’t good enough. How do I get him to appreciate the hard work and sacrifice that I put into sex?
Getting me to actually enjoy sex is not going to happen. I’ve been fighting for years to actually enjoy sex, but orgasm takes way too much work for too little payoff, and foreplay takes too long and most of the time I cringe at the thought of being touched (no history of sexual assault or abuse, I just know that when he touches me he wants sex). We tried non sexual touching/kissing, and that worked for a couple weeks, then the “non sexual” touching/kissing turned to sexual again. Ugh.
Julie, your posts are like a breath of fresh air. I have studied this issue for several years and have read many blogs and web pages and I can say very few are looking at the other side like you are. One thing I have found however is that there is also a VERY high number of women who are frustrated at their sexless husbands. Another thing I have found is that the person withholding sex will have a dozen reasons why but in 99% of the cases it really comes down to the fact that they that just have a lower sex drive and they don’t care enough to do anything about it.
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HELP Please! What advice would you give to a husband who’s wife does not want to make love or be intimate at all with him. She says she doesn’t enjoy it yet has almost always reached orgasm when they did. Married for 17 years. Past 10 years, making love been 1 or 2x / yr and last time was over 6 mths ago and before that 3 years.
He is considerate, caring, leads family biblically, helps at home, financially stewards well, sensitive, gets flowers, sweet gifts.
Has talked about but made to unreasonable.
Help please. What should he do….
I can’t speak for all women but many like me also want to be wanted, desired, have effort put in and not just treated like a hole to *** into. Men can be pretty selfish and while they’re obsessing over their needs don’t even acknowledge their wives have sexual needs too (one of which is lasting longer than 2 minutes because we need much more time than that to get there).
A lot of these so-called poor guys trapped in sexless marriages really need to look in the mirror and ask if they must accept some responsibility.
“A lot of these so-called poor guys trapped in sexless marriages really need to look in the mirror and ask if they must accept some responsibility.”
I’d argue that most of those guys (of which I am one), *bend over backwards* to make their wives feel loved and cherished; the irony is, more often than not it just leads to contempt from the wife.
Julie: The way I see it, what a good Christian husband AND a good Christian wife should want is not so much sex, but each other. If they really love each other, then they should want to be as close to each other as it is possible to be. It is hard to top being all alone together, in bed, clothes off, totally focused on each other, and embracing each other for closeness. We have this tendency to think of sex as this thing that is somehow apart from everything else, when in fact it is something that is inherent to what we each are as individuals and especially to what we are together as a couple.
I do think that some guys – and maybe especially the more immature ones that still have some growing up to do (and this can unfortunately include 50 year olds just as much as 20 year olds!) – do have this tendency to just focus on their own orgasm as the main thing or the only thing, and this is clearly the wrong mindset to have. Sure, that is a very nice part of the whole experience, but it isn’t the whole experience by a long shot – or at least, it shouldn’t be. The whole time together, and the giving of oneself and the giving of pleasure to one’s wife, has got to be appreciated and nurtured.
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As a 56 year old christian husband, I am so broken by this very thing. I’ve tried to have discussions with my wife about it, but all I get is silence. Feeling hopeless and vulnerable.
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Hi there, this will be my first response ever! I feel it important to comment on this old thread because of an important piece of information that may or may not have bearing on these sexless marriages. I was the “asexual ” wife. I was the “withholder”. I could feel in my heart that something was wrong. My husband wanted intimacy and I panicked. This went on for years. I held in my head how awful I was. My husband and I work side by side everyday running a business we started with a pipe dream. We have 10 full time employees (12 including ourselves) and 2 children ages 7and 13. Somewhere around our second year of marriage, my husband reverted to his natural state of less communication. He doesn’t talk. I talk. And after 14 years, I now talk ALOT! Our life coach and therapist said that I’m filling in the big blanks. She said because he won’t, I do it for him. I have essentially been having conversations by myself. She gave us some homework on our first visit. I can’t remember who wrote the quiz but I’m sure that someone here will know. It was about the “love language ” we speak as individuals. My husbands love language is intimate touch and mine is talking. When my husband shut down I felt like he didn’t care. Of course I didn’t know he needed to work on this area. I knew I needed communication going into the marriage and expressed that before the engagement even. He wholeheartedly agreed and was excited to hear me say yes to the proposal later on. So, as my husband and I tried to run our business, our bond deteriorated. He couldn’t talk to the employees. He couldn’t confront any problem. I did all of it. I ran the business and he sat up tall. I managed a rapidly growing company and he ignored it. I managed the kids and their care. He managed the jokes. He became a jokester. He would joke and laugh with everyone about 5 months into the storefront. He never joked with me. I would see him laughing away. I would hear him and be so hurt. He would initiate conversations and play practical jokes on a very beautiful woman we had employed. I repeatedly asked him to stop and it only made him mad. I have forgotten to mention, or rather where do I even mention, he has a problem with anger. If I wanted to talk that was my need not his and he was angry. If I asked him to take the job more seriously and at least stop physical joking at work. He got angry. If I needed help with the kids and finding care. He was angry. And his anger is big. His anger lasts a long time. His anger bites and keeps coming back. Now he’s never been physically violent but the hurt and frustration are there. So now, I was feeling like he really didn’t love me anymore and I didn’t feel an intense love for him either. I told him I wanted a divorce and he didn’t. He acknowledged his anger and his total absence emotionally. I should also mention, that while I had pregnancies and lost all of the weight he gained it all double. I was in a 1-2 and he was in a 4x-5x. Only bringing up thispoint because he created a barrier within himself to even love himself. Now to the point I really need to mention (guess I really like responding and should more often 😉 lol). I was sexually abused as a toddler. I had a very neglectful single mother. I was again sexually abused in kindergarten and again for a period of 3 months while in 7th grade. I was sexually abused again on the night of my 8th grade graduation. I remember screaming at my mother. What’s wrong with you?! Why aren’t you even mad?! As an adult I was raped and gang raped by a partner and, if I wasn’t smart, might not be here right now. He was a “good christian” man too. The point here is I couldn’t feel safe in my marriage enough to have sex. When I did I wasn’t there. I removed myself from that painful place. Yes the abuse happend years ago and I knew however, it stays with you. My husband shut down angrily. If a woman has been sexually assaulted she needs a little extra. Same for any man!! If a person has been raped he or she will relive that moment during sexual times. If a person needs compassion, love, and understanding, give them that. If you know prior to your marriage that sexual abuse has happened or that neglect has happened and your ready for that challenge, be ready. Communication and security in a marriage are some of the most important aphrodisiacs. Sexual exploitation or sexual abuse and abuse in general during childhood will directly impact a marriage sexually. In our case, when he started withholding talk, I felt neglected. When I felt neglected I couldn’t be sexually intimate. When I couldn’t be sexually intimate he got angry. When he was angry I felt abuse. We are working out better lately. He’s working on his issues and me on mine however we both have to work together with understanding, forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, and change. Sex is most often a 2 way street. We all have to be willing to bend. Once that happens we can live as God intended. Peaceful and happy 🙂
Not to be judgemental in the slightest.one start is…..women we shouldn’t share intimate details about our climaxes and whether our husband is great in that area or lacking.proverbs 31 woman states her husband trusts in her.if your husband or his coworkers or friends read your personal climax or lack thereof stories…is that a good testimony…how would that make him feel to know other men are reading about his wives intimate details meant only for him….and especially if he struggled to provide needs and wants.I’ve learned the hard way with this subject…..just trying to help.oh and I’m not saying don’t keep it all in if you have issues to discuss..choose a godly woman…your pastors wife or your pastor or spiritual mother…choose a woman to confide in about your own personal sexual issues and don’t vent on and on about your husbands.this is wisdom I’ve learned early on.keep somethings between u and ur husband and only go to someone mature enough…not on the same level as u with the same problems to help u with godly council.
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Good article. I have a question though: I have cancer and my libido is non-existent, partially because of chemo, but a long time before that my husband and I were decidedly out of synch. He is VERY high-energy, bi-polar (even though in treatment). I have always been slower, low-energy, easy to run out of fuel. I have always been strongly monogamous and dedicated to only having an interest in one man. My husband was raised by a couple who, for lack of a better description, were hippies that practiced an open door policy for their bedroom activities. His mother was the instigator and would seduce her husbands friends. My husband basically thinks that it’s natural to be a sexual deviant. I have tried to impress upon him the importance of having a monogamous marriage, and have tried to encourage him to go back to church, but whenever I get involved with church activities or try to get him involved he basically has a panic attack. His previous wife (now dead) was a piece of work who scarred both him and his son with her drug and alcohol problems. I understand being scarred, I’ve been there myself, but I’m determined to hold onto my beliefs. I am not young, I’m 55, my husband is 50, and I can no longer have children. I feel that whenever he blows up at me about my refusal to become a deviant who is willing to have sexual adventures with others and him that I no longer want to live. Perhaps my deep despair and sorrow has caused the onset of cancer, as I know that mental issues can effect your health. I know that he hasn’t desired me for a very long time because he doesn’t want normal sex with me, and I don’t want sex with him because I know he doesn’t want a Christian woman, he wants a woman who is willing to do anything no matter how sick and perverse it is. We have been married for over 22 years, and as we have gotten older the issue has gotten worse. I didn’t just cut him off, I developed a distaste for him because I finally realized that he didn’t really want me, then I got sick and it didn’t make any difference because I couldn’t stand to have sex anyway because of the chemo. I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t know what to do at this point either.
Thank you for helping me to understand #1 God’s point for sex, #2 my wife’s view and an inkling of her experience,#3 my need,and how it opens my emotions for display to her.
M