Do the two of you as a married couple want great sex in your marriage? If so, I believe it’s as much about what you throw out as it is about what you add.
Some couples mistakenly think they simply need a reboot of romance or an array of new sexual positions or techniques. I’m not saying those things don’t have their place.
Too often, though, what is genuinely holding a couple back from great sex is what they selfishly, naively or subconsciously cling to, despite the damage those things are causing.
Do you see yourself or your marriage in any of the below…
5 Things to Throw Out if You Want Great Sex in Your Marriage
As a young wife in my first marriage, we had quite a few sexual struggles. And I remember thinking we would sort those problems out someday. It was quite a stance of indifference on my part, even if I wouldn’t have acknowledged it at the time.
In your marriage, have one or both of you been indifferent about your sexual intimacy? You don’t tend to it. You settle for mediocre intimacy as “good enough.” One or both of you have raised red flags that something is wrong, but you still don’t put in the effort it would take to make sexual intimacy soul drenching.
Throw out the indifference. Instead, choose to be intentional about addressing any sexual struggles and nurturing your sexual connection with each other. Feed that connection. Pour into it. Pay attention to it in a way that shows it deeply matters to the health of your relationship, because it does.
Are either of you still tripped up by the shame of your sexual past? Maybe you were promiscuous. Maybe you willingly participated in sexual activity or behavior that you eventually realized was unhealthy and damaging.
Maybe there was a betrayal between the two of you in your marriage. Infidelity. Emotional affairs. Pornography use.
There is a lot to be said for Holy Spirit conviction that leads to asking for forgiveness and repenting, so by all means, seek that redemption and walk in it. And if there is shame from your past because of sexual abuse committed against you, there is a lot to be said for finding healing from that horrendous pain.
Overcoming shame takes intentional work. Such concerted efforts may involve therapists, accountability and support groups. If there has been a betrayal in marriage, rebuilding trust will likely be an arduous and long process.
BUT don’t get stuck in shame. Throw out the shame that continues to rob you, and do the hard work that will help you experience passionate and pleasurable sexual oneness with the person you married.
Romantic chick flicks have ruined us, at least as far as expectations of what sexual intimacy is truly like. Women especially may have idealized versions of sex in their imaginations, and when real life doesn’t look like what’s depicted on the screen, in books and in media, they may give up on knowing real sex can be great.
Here’s the thing about Hollywood, though. Sex in mainstream movies and TV programs is make believe. We are made to believe something that is actually the result of lighting, props managers, screenwriters, camera angles and a bajillion retakes to get it just right. Sure, it looks spontaneous and easy on the screen, but that’s only because they created it to look that way.
The other way idealism becomes a road block to amazing intimacy is body image struggles. Subtly or not-so-subtly comparing ourselves to others is a slippery slope. We can become fixated on the perfect body shape, weight, make-up, clothes, hairstyles and more—to the point that we keep postponing what could be profound sexual intimacy now with the person we love.
Have you ever found yourself thinking that sex will be better when you lose a few pounds or when you get the bedroom redecorated or when you get away for that tropical vacation? Or maybe you think sex will be better when life is less messy. I know you know this, but life is always going to be messy on some level. And we could endlessly be tweaking things in our surroundings or in our appearance, all while the ideal remains just out of reach.
Amazing sexual connection with the person you love is not contingent on all circumstances in your life being ideal. It’s not even contingent on the majority of circumstances being ideal.
Throw out idealism. It’s a crafty illusionist and it is a delayer of all things great in your bed. Sometimes you just have to push the laundry off that bed. And make passionate love even if the lighting isn’t right.
Have you ever wished your spouse would just intuitively know how to turn you on or make your sexual pleasure amazing, without you ever having to offer much input? If so, you aren’t alone.
It’s easy to assume that because sex is a natural act, everything should come naturally. Men, in particular, are unfairly expected to “know” what to do sexually with a woman. A woman’s body is baffling territory for her at any given time, so it’s quite ironic we would expect a man to understand it better without some wifely GPS guidance.
Assumption hampers arousal and pleasure. A better approach is a continual loop of giving and receiving feedback and guidance. Definitely this should happen during foreplay and sex, but learning arousal happens when you are clothed as well. It’s an around-the-clock sort of thing, this dance whereby a husband and wife become students and teachers at the same time.
Throw out assumption. Instead, lovingly and intentionally find your voice and listen to your spouse’s as you discover together what is arousing and pleasurable. Show and tell each other what feels good.
Sometimes I hear from couples drowning in regret that they didn’t try to improve things sooner in their sexual intimacy. Or maybe they are drowning in regret for the ways they were careless with their relationship in the past. Time wise they’ve moved beyond it, but the melancholy and sting are still hindrances.
They get stuck in regret.
The truth is that we all have regrets about things in our life and in our marriage where we should have, could have or would have done things differently (If we could go back, of course. Which we can’t, of course.) We can’t live in regret, at least not without some huge detrimental consequences going forward.
Throw out regret. Start now to live sexually with each other. Make peace with what you lost, so that you can focus fully on what you can gain now together. As I mentioned further up in the post, it may take hard work, yes. But with a heart attitude committed to a strong sexual connection going forward, regret starts to lose its grip.
Where do you see you and your marriage? More importantly, what are you going to throw out so you can love each other well sexually?
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.