Starting Solo. Finishing Together. Ever Try It?


starting-solo-finishing-togetherYears ago I received an email from a reader about something he and his wife found arousing.

He said his wife would occasionally go to the bedroom before him and “get started”… and then he would join her shortly thereafter. She would either tell him she was doing this or he would lovingly suggest it.

Now I recognize completely that for some wives and/or some couples, this sounds more like a turn off than a turn on. And I completely respect that stance. But I also respect what my reader who emailed me was saying.

As many of you know, I am a firm believer that a married couple has tremendous freedom to express their sexual intimacy, as long as they genuinely believe they are honoring God and maintaining their exclusivity. If a couple finds it arousing for her to start to stimulate herself on her own before he joins in, I see nothing wrong with this.

So what would be the appeal of a wife starting solo before her husband joins her?

A wife may find it exciting to already be somewhat aroused by the time her husband comes in the room. She may find it easier to more readily engage in the moment if she has already spent some time shifting her heart and body toward sex. Or she may simply find it helps her relax before sex.

As a couple, it occasionaly may be part of their foreplay, so to speak, for her to start solo.

I know many people may have never heard of the above happening in a loving marriage, but for some married couples, it is very much a healthy part of their intimacy. It has nothing to do with control or intimidation, but rather it’s just one of many ways they express sexual desire in their relationship.

So what about you? Have you ever enjoyed starting solo and then finishing together?

For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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10 thoughts on “Starting Solo. Finishing Together. Ever Try It?

  1. Rebecca says:

    While I personally don’t agree with solo masturbating even if he is joining her later there are other ways a wife could head to the bedroom first to prepare. Relaxing in a warm bath, soothing music and lighting a candle, or even praying. Anything that will help a wife to make the transition to being relaxed, open to and looking forward to being intimate with her husband.

  2. Robert Rannels says:

    We use this frequently. I have an issue with premature ejaculation. We use extended Foreplay and toy enhancements to give her long sessions of pleasure. Sometimes though we have her start first without me there and I come later. This does a couple things. We find the novelty of it fun. It also affords me the opportunity to avoid the pressure of not finishing in 20 seconds. If she starts early and that happens… It’s not a big deal and that really helps me because my quick performance let’s her down. So we’ve added this scenario to our toolbelt for dealing with this along with focus on her, enhancements, toys, and extended Foreplay. I rather enjoy this sometimes.

  3. Susan says:

    I highly recommend! I’m one who isn’t really into a lot of foreplay – I like to get to the action! So, we will do this sometimes, so then I’m ready to take him!!!

  4. Running Deeper says:

    Thanks for touching on a rather sensitive subject Julie, one that is brought with a wide range of emotions both for and against. You are right in saying that it really is up to each couple to discover how they would want to express their sexual intimacy and that it’s not up to us to judge them.

    What you have written here is, I believe, firmly in the permissible bounds of marriage. It obviously needs to be something that has been discussed openly, freely and willingly and that the decision to engage in solo acts is something mutually agreed upon, without any sense of coercion or guilt.

    My wife and I have only recently begun to explore this journey together and we are both excited by it, thrilled by it and turned on by it. It’s very mutually satisfying for the both of us.

  5. Ronnie says:

    As a husband, I find this very hot and erotic. If my wife started first and I “caught” her and that would be very nice. The wife would be so aroused by the time he got there and ready for him to join her. My wife is a little too inhibited to do this though.

  6. David says:

    Robert Rannals – I used to have the same problem (premature…) and was able to overcome it by using a technique (no drugs or medicine, more like a physical therapy thing that your wife does with you). I think it was from a book called “intended for pleasure.” The therapy is superfun as well. Took about a month of “exercises” but I can now finish when I want to instead of when I don’t….please consider checking it out…

  7. Michael says:

    This sounds like a great idea. I’d guess there are A LOT of husbands out there who wish their wives would occasionally get extremely turned on and “jump our bones”. We’re usually told wives need to be worked up by husbands to get turned on. It’d be nice to not work so hard to achieve that and it just happen.

  8. LT says:

    I love the idea that the wife or husband is so turned on with anticipation of their spouse that either of them would need to go and masturbate. What a healthy, beautiful and erotic way to express your feelings.

  9. Mark says:

    Intimacy can have so many exciting scenarios of consensual self-pleasure if the couple is mentally in tuned with the other.

    I was away for several months, it was an emotional and sexually frustrating time for both of us.

    So I decided one late night to call my spouse and ask her how much anticipation she was feeling, when she admitted she was climbing walls. She doesn’t self pleasure herself.

    So I asked her to rest comfortably on a couple of pillows and take her panties off and preceded to whisper in her pretty little ear and then I guided her finger tips to feather touch her of clitoris and avoid climaxing for as long as possible. I’d ask her to reach inside and stimulate her g-spot, then her clitoris. slowly doing both back and forth and simultaneously as the same time.

    I could tell by her ultra quiet soprano cries and heavy breathing she was losing her mind and it didn’t take more than 5 minutes when she experienced a very intense “wetting” climax. She then said “you are such a brat”

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