3 Ways to Get Out of a Sexual Rut in Marriage


getting-out-of-a-sexual-rutI’ve long said that all sexual encounters are not created equal. The same also can be said about sexual seasons in marriage.

My husband and I have gone through seasons where things have been quite passionate and exciting in the lovemaking department. There have been other times, though, where we’ve struggled connecting sexually and everything felt quite lackluster.

And certainly there have been still other times where our sexual intimacy is just kind of boring.

This is not unusual. I think all married couples, even those in marriages with incredibly healthy sexual intimacy, go through times when they are not quite connecting sexually. Miscommunication. Miscues. Various life issues that are distracting.

If you’re in a rut of mediocrity and boredom with sex, what are some ways to enjoy it more? Below are 3 ideas I have, but I would love to hear ideas from all of you as well.

3 Ways to Get Out of a Sexual Rut in Marriage

1. Try something different

Recently a friend recommended to me a sex pillow that is a comfortable wedge. It can help create various angles during sex, such as when it is placed under the hips. So I ordered it, and Randy and I gave it a try. It DID afford us some different and enjoyable angles—and some humor as we were figuring out how to use the thing!

It was good to laugh and have fun, which we desperately needed because of the colossal sexual rut we’ve been in (due to stressors in our life right now).

So if you are kind of bored with your sexual intimacy or there has been mild sexual tension you need to break through, consider trying some thing new. In our case, it was a sex pillow.

But other ideas include trying a new position, giving each other a nice massage before sex, taking a shower together, undressing each other, incorporating a sex toy, or adding a bit of romantic lighting to set the atmosphere. (There are fabulous LED candles that are safe and realistic. We’ve used them and love them!)

Sometimes getting out a rut just takes tweaking something in your sexual repertoire. Just don’t tweak your back! Nothing good can come from that.

2. Start foreplay someplace other than the bedroom

Often times sex gets boring because it gets utterly predictable. You follow the same routine for everything from foreplay to intercourse to what happens after sex. Just going through the motions.

So one way you can shake things up a bit is to start foreplay someplace other than the bedroom. Sure, you’ll have to be discreet if you have kids, but with discretion and getting those little heathens to bed early, all things are possible! Great places other than the bedroom to start foreplay? Well, any place but the bedroom. The family room? The kitchen? The bathroom? The garage? The car? The basement? The back porch? The treehouse?

And wow! The different foreplay techniques are endless. The way you caress the back of his neck. The way you run your hands up her sides along her breasts. The way you kiss him passionately. The way you run your fingers along the seam of her jeans. I’m sure I’ve piqued your interest enough to get you started. For more ideas, check out Anything is Foreplay if You Want it to Be and How to Get an A+ in Foreplay.

3. Come up with creative lists

You may wonder what this has to do with sex, but I think friendship makes sex better. So the more you can fuel the friendship in your marriage, the more enjoyable sex is.

So pick a few different topics. For example, restaurants could be a topic. And then you each make a list of five restaurants you want to try (Of course, you’ll have to wait until going out to restaurants becomes commonplace again after social distancing eases). Put the restaurant names into a jar and randomly draw one out occasionally for a date night.

Another topic could be “questions I’ve always wanted to ask you” and then you each come up with a list of five questions. They could be things like, “What’s the craziest thing you ever did as a teenager?” or “What’s one of your best memories from college?” or “Who was your best friend when you were young and what made them such a good friend?” or “When was a time in life when you felt afraid?”

Try to come up with a mix of serious and not-so-serious questions. With both of you making a list of questions, you now have a total of 10 questions. Once a week for 10 weeks in a row (or every night for 10 days in a row), pick a question and both of you answer it.

Another topic could actually have to do with sex. Make a list of five specific things you enjoy about sex, and then share them with your spouse. They can be emotional, relational, and/or physical. What’s the goal with all this? To weave more trust, vulnerability and tenderness into the fabric of your relationship. Good emotional connection lends itself well to passionate sexual connection.

So there you have it. Three ways to get out of a sexual rut in your marriage. What else would you add to the list? 

For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized. Never want to miss one of my posts?  Subscribe via email on this page.  And be sure to join my more than 10,000 followers on my Facebook page and 11,000 followers on Twitter.

1 thoughts on “3 Ways to Get Out of a Sexual Rut in Marriage

  1. oldermarried says:

    Good post. I think the idea of switching up things is a good one. If you’ve been hitched for a while, it bears thinking about how habits get formed anyway.

    Cows coming in for the night feed, through the pasture, will follow the same trail. It’s worn down a bit, and smashed so there aren’t any rocks. It’s easier, minutely so, but easier to follow that same trail.

    With marriage, the same, not just with intimacy. She does this; I do that. We are familiar with how things work.

    My wife doesn’t get the oil changed. She would prefer that I do that. And I am glad to do it.

    But intimately, I think both parties need to make a concerted effort to alter the “pasture path” a bit. Your comment about the pillow supports this. Maybe the intimacy wasn’t even better, but it forced you off the path. Made you think. Made you be intentional. Produced some laughs. Kudos

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