I have spent years encouraging married couples to write a healthy and positive sexual story in their marriage. Not an easy task, mind you, because so many married couples are struggling sexually.
I meet and hear from countless people who don’t genuinely enjoy sex in their marriage.
They are still clinging to sexual experiences of their past or skewed messages about sex or Hollywood depictions of what they think sex should look like.
Sometimes one or both spouses have minimized how crucial sex is to a healthy marriage. They’ve diminished God’s gift of sex. Other times there is a lack of humility, unwillingness to own up to sexual betrayal, or stubbornness that disrupts opportunities to connect sexually.
So many sexual struggles.
But we can’t lose sight of the fact that sex is part of marriage. Even as obvious as that is, I’m never surprised when couples are struggling. Never. There just is so much that causes struggle… so much that sabotages healthy sexual intimacy. I imagine that your sexual story to this point includes some struggles. I get that this is hard on so many levels.
But I wake up each day longing to ask…
Are you ready to reclaim your sexual story together? Are you ready to add new chapters that are more uplifting than the chapters to this point?
3 Powerful Ways to Reclaim Your Sexual Story as a Married Couple
1. Resist trying to edit the past
As a writer, I readily admit one of the riskiest hazards of the craft is constant editing. We revisit and revisit and revisit something to the point that it creates paralysis in moving forward.
The same could be said of a couple’s sexual story. A husband and wife may get so stuck in trying to edit that they can’t embrace the opportunity to sexually connect going forward.
But what’s done is done. If there have been serious sexual missteps in the past, such as adultery or sexual negligence (withholding sex), I am not saying you don’t have to get to the root of the pain, seek forgiveness, and pursue healthy healing. You definitely have to do all those things.
But don’t lament. Lamenting endlessly about the past will get you know where. Should have, could have, would have—replaying scenarios a million different times in your head and pondering different outcomes won’t make you feel better. Hindsight is 20/20, but when all is said and done, it’s still just hindsight.
So rather than keep trying to edit the past, resolve to write a healthier and more passionate sexual present and future. That is progress—a nurtured marriage going forward. That is where you find sexual hope and possibility.
2. Celebrate the well-crafted sentences
If you have come to realize that your sexual story needs some attention, it can be tempting to want to turn out a masterpiece on day one. But no married couple has ever built authentic sexual intimacy that way.
If your sexual connection has waned for a long time, maybe even years, then you would do your marriage a world of good to remind yourself that baby steps count.
Baby steps add up to experiencing passionate and enjoyable sex on a consistent basis. Celebrate the well-crafted sentences, so to speak, rather than unrealisticaly aiming for amazing paragraphs and pages.
Sexual caresses. More foreplay. Longer hugs. Genuine conversation about your intimacy. Vulnerability in sharing your sexual desires. Learning the nuances of sexual arousal and sexual pleasure. All of these are beautiful sexual sentences. Write enough of them and you will turn out remarkable sexual paragraphs and pages when you make love.
Give yourself some credit for the wins in this journey. Celebrate the well-crafted sentences in your sexual story.
3. Keep on writing
As a writer, I can tell you this—writers get better if they keep writing. They just do. As husband and wife, you will get better sexually if you keep writing your sexual story.
Be intentional. Value your sexual connection. Change unhealthy patterns. Find new ways to express your sexual desire for each other. Learn about each other’s bodies. Initiate. Seek Christian resources on sex. Address miscommunication about sex. Resolve to do better.
Keep on writing your sexual story.
I don’t know what your story has been like to this point, but I do know this. With the right heart and attitude, you can embrace sexual passion, pleasure and oneness in your relationship.
What the two of you share sexually is your unique story, and you owe it to yourselves and to each other to reclaim it. Deep down, I believe you know this. You just have to be willing to write.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.