I devote quite a few posts to ways you can make sex amazing for the person you married.
And without a doubt, a big part of a fulfilling sexual connection is helping your spouse enjoy incredible sexual pleasure.
Another vital factor, though, is that you know yourself sexually. How well do you know yourself in this regard?
Many of you reading this possibly haven’t given it much thought. It’s not exactly a question we regularly ponder, is it? “How well do I know myself sexually?” It is a good question to unpack.
I offer the disclaimer that point #1 is a serious one, but I believe it’s worth acknowledging because it affects so many people. With that, here we go…
3 Signs You Truly Know Yourself Sexually
1. You know your triggers if you’ve experienced sexual trauma
Many people have had traumatic sexual experiences including (but not limited to) sexual assault, sexual abuse and/or rape. And while profound healing and professional counseling help countless survivors of these experiences go on to enjoy sex in the safety of a loving marriage, that doesn’t necessarily mean that all triggers have been erased.
For example, there may be certain smells, sounds, locations or sexual acts that bring to the forefront too much recollection of the trauma. And you know that for you to relax and enjoy lovemaking with your spouse, those triggers can’t be in the mix.
One example would be if you experienced trauma or violation in the dark, it may be incredibly difficult or impossible for you to have sex with your spouse in complete darkness. Or possibly oral sex was a huge part of the abuse inflicted on you. Understandably, this may be a sexual act that is simply too painful to be included in your intimacy with the person you love.
As I mentioned, this is a heavy point right up here at the top. But there are so many people who have been victims of sexual trauma. If that describes you, then it is healthy for your relationship if you truly know yourself sexually, including which triggers shouldn’t be part of sex for you.
And if you are married to someone who has experienced sexual trauma, then humbly recognize how valuable it would be for your relationship to be sensitive about this. No, it’s not realistic that sex be removed from the equation, but it is realistic that you minimize or eliminate specific triggers that are only going to diminish the experience for you both.
2. You know what arouses you
It’s always fascinating to me when people assume that young newlyweds are having the best sex. If they are newlyweds who are mature, intentional and incredibly communicative about what turns them on, then I guess I would say they have sped up the learning curve dramatically.
But for most people it takes a bit of time to understand arousal and pleasure.
It takes trial and error and a willingness to be vulnerable to truly know yourself sexually—to know what will make a sexual encounter incredible for you.
There is quite a bit of personal accountability and ownership in truly knowing yourself sexually. Your spouse plays a role, but only you know how your body, heart and mind are reacting. This requires you get out of your comfort zone and embrace the freedom in the exclusivity of your marriage to show and tell what feels good sexually.
Guide your spouse’s hands and mouth. If you are a wife, guide your husband’s penis. Get comfortable touching each other and then communicate what you like and don’t like. Often it is the small nuances that make all the difference. Varying the type or lightness of a touch, for example, may pay big dividends in the intensity of pleasure.
I know myself sexually so much better now than I did when we first married, because we have spent years understanding the subtleties of lovemaking.
3. You know where you need to grow
Another big part of truly knowing yourself sexually is being humble enough to welcome that there is still room for growth. This is crucial for so many reasons, and possibly the most significant of which is that our bodies and relationships are not stagnant.
Life is consistently presenting us new seasons, opportunities and challenges—physically and relationally—and we would be wise to pay close attention.
You may never know how much you like couch sex until your kids grow up and leave and you have the house (and the couch!) to yourselves. You may never know how much you desire being undressed until you ask your spouse to undress you. You may never know if foreplay could be monumentally arousing if it started in the car until you actually get frisky in the car.
Maybe the growth is in finally letting go of skewed messages about sex; things you believed but you’re starting to see are stumbling blocks to authentic intimacy with the person you love.
I can’t paint all the pictures, but you get the idea. Be open. Don’t assume you have it all figured out. We know ourselves sexually when we still hunger to grow.
All things considered, how well would you say you know yourself sexually? I’m not going to come ask you this question, of course. But if I did, could you answer it?
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.