I was talking to a great friend over coffee one day, and I asked her if she knows what she’s good at in bed. You know, just casual coffee shop sex chatter between two friends.
My married friends are so used to questions like this from me that they don’t even flinch when the conversation veers in that direction. This is even more true if they have come right out and sought my input on sexual intimacy in marriage. This is my wheelhouse. This is where my eyes light up in being able to encourage someone.
I was curious, so I asked her. “Do you know what you do well when you and your husband make love?”
I wasn’t asking for details, mind you, or what exactly makes her so good at what she does well. I just didn’t want to dance around the issues. There’s nothing wrong with having authentic and mature dialogue about sex in marriage, if the goal is to strengthen the marital bond and sexual connection. I am extremely comfortable talking about sex. That’s true. And I’m fairly adept at getting others talking about it, too.
She was able to tell me what she believes she does well, in addition to a few things she would like to improve. By the time the conversation was over, we both felt uplifted in the difference it makes to intentionally nurture sex in marriage.
Which brings me to 7 ways to become a confident lover…
1. Be intentional
And I’m not just talking about being intentional about initiating and enjoying sex (although that’s important, too). Be intentional about your relationship! The more you feel secure about the health of your marriage and the more you enjoy each other’s friendship and company, the more you discover the sweet foundation for phenomenal sexual connection.
If ever there was a relationship where we should not get laxed in showing and receiving friendship and affection, it is marriage.
As for initiating sex, do you want to grow in your confidence? Initiate more. You have to be intentional. Sounds simple, right? Maybe not if you are the one who rarely initiates. But there’s no other way to become more confident doing something than to do it more.
To give you an analogy, I love it when people hug like they mean it. You know what I’m talking about, right? They truly hug, like they deeply care and don’t really want to let go. How did they get that way? They hug a lot. And when they hug, they hug like the mean it.
So grow in your sexual confidence by being intentional in your relationship and intentional in the ways you initiate sex. If you’ve got some relationship discord to heal, then by all means, heal it. That’s a big part of growing in confidence, too. Being intentional about repairing damage and rebuilding trust.
2. Think outside the box
As a Christian, are you a hesitant lover when it comes to trying something other than missionary position? We as married Christians should be eager to embrace sexual freedom, but too often we are mired in self-imposed sexual hindrance. Too many married Christians are missing out on incredible passion, pleasure and connection with their spouse.
God actually gives us tremendous sexual freedom. We should give pause and not so quickly dismiss something that God has not clearly said you cannot do sexually.
If you want to grow in your sexual confidence, you would be wise to think outside of the missionary-position-only box. Yes, you have to keep your sexual pleasure and conduct exclusive to only the two of you. And neither of you should be getting pleasure at the expense of the other person getting hurt, as the basis of healthy sexual intimacy is abiding love. But you ARE free to try different touches, techniques and positions.
Arousal should be seen more as a buffet of many delicious choices rather than a predictable meal. And intercourse is not the only way to reach climax for a husband or a wife. You have options and opportunities, pleasurable techniques and touches to explore.
Think outside the box. Try some new things. Grow in your confidence.
3. Shine some light on the situation
Lack of sexual confidence and body image struggles often are bedfellows when it comes to sex. If you don’t feel good about your body, you want the room dark, right? Maybe even the covers pulled up over both of you?
While this post is not extensively about body image struggles, I acknowledge fully that they can be a huge issue. I have a whole page on body image, so I encourage you to check it out at this link.
What I will say is that sexual confidence is more about attitude than it is about having the ideal weight, body size, make-up or hairstyle. None of us look like models or movie stars, not even the models and movie stars when they are away from the lights and cameras and professional stylists. I often say that my two boys camped out in my body for nine months and then left the campsite a mess when they left. Little heathens, I tell you. My stomach may never be as flat and toned as it was before they arrived on the scene.
But I’m not going to let that stop me from being sexually confident when my husband and I have sex.
One way to grow in sexual confidence is to bring a little light into the room when you make love. Let your spouse see your body, even the aspects you believe are faults. A little light can be as simple as turning on a closet light that shines into the room or bringing some candles into the room. And if the struggle feels too insurmountable, get real with your spouse about needing some extra affirmation.
A little light — figuratively and literally — can go a long way in boosting your confidence.
Sexual confidence heightens when you relish the freedom to bring pleasure to your spouse in a variety of ways at the same time. (It’s why I say that any good blow job is part hand job, too). You can do a lot with your hands and your mouth at the same time. You can do a lot to increase arousal by varying your touches from firm to light or switching to a different position that intensifies the sexual excitement in that moment.
Is this going to feel awkward at first? Probably. But that’s part of the journey. Have fun with sexual arousal and multi-task your way to ecstasy. Be patient with each other and encourage one another by telling each other what feels good, especially if it is something they are trying for the first time. (That will definitely increase the odds they’ll do it again in the future!)
5. Give and receive feedback
The two of you will become more confident as lovers the better you understand what turns you each on and what specifically fuels passion between you. The only way you can become incredible lovers is to become incredible learners at the same time. Be a sexual learner and a sexual lover!
Give and receive feedback — through your words, sounds, requests and any non-verbals, such as the way you direct your spouse’s hand or the way you pull them closer to you.
We grow confident when a situation does not feel like it is full of unknowns and when we know where we stand. That’s true in just about every situation in life, including sex. Having more knowns in our proverbial pocket diminishes our sexual apprehension.
6. Show your enthusiasm
Whether you are the one in the grips of sexual ecstasy or you are the one bringing such pleasure to your spouse, show your enthusiasm! You will feel more confident and come across more confident if you don’t treat your sexual encounters like boring tasks.
Going through the motions is a real mood killer, so don’t treat sex like something you have to do. Treat it like something you get to do!
Imagine the eager anticipation you would have if you wanted to go on vacation in the Bahamas or eat yummy cake for your birthday or watch your favorite team play in the Super Bowl or drive a sports car 100 miles per hour or tour a beautiful winery — and then someone waved a magic wand and said, “You GET to do all of those things and more!! ENJOY!”
How pumped up would you be?!
Becoming a confident lover has so much to do with your perspective. If you treat the ordinary as nothing more than ordinary, that’s all it will ever be. If you treat the ordinary as something extraordinary, then it will indeed become extraordinary.
Show your enthusiasm for sexual intimacy in your marriage.
7. Ask for what you desire
Come on now. You know what turns you on, right? So ask for it. I’m not talking about demanding certain sexual acts, because that is abusive, not confident. I’m talking about genuinely in the context of love asking for what you desire.
Sometimes this naturally happens in the throes of passion. Sometimes it can be as simple as saying, “Oh please, do that again!” The more willing you become to ask each other for what you desire, the more sexual confident you will become as well.
So there you have it! Seven tips on growing in sexual confidence. You got this. Go get ’em tiger!
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.