No news flash here, but porn is devastating.
Despite what mainstream society would try to lead you to believe, the research has been in for quite some time on this. Porn decimates authentic intimacy, leaving in its wake atrocious collateral damage.
But does sexual creativity in marriage automatically mean there’s something pornographic going on? No. I am going to go a hard no on this.
A husband and wife have way more sexual freedom than many people believe, and they can embrace such freedom while still keeping sex holy. Yes! Sex is meant to be holy and passionate; intimate and erotic; sacred and tantalizing.
So what’s the difference? What makes something healthy sexual creativity in marriage rather than pornographic?
Here are three gauges you may find helpful…
Exclusivity is foundational to healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. God designed sex to be exclusive between a husband and wife, meaning no third parties are participating in their sexual connection in any way (no one else physically having sex with you, no one watching you have sex, no use of pornography, no fantasies about people other than your spouse).
Pornography by its very nature is the opposite of exclusivity.
Pornography is all about images and videos that celebrate sexual promiscuity; a sexual free-for-all where there are no boundaries, no discretion and no authenticity. Nearly all of it is made with multiple people participating in some capacity, from the actual actors to the photographers and videographers to the business managers.
As a husband and wife, sex is a private encounter between only the two of you, not meant to be shared with others. In that exclusivity, you can enjoy sexual passion that is deeply arousing and creative.
When a husband and wife mutually agree with genuine love to become more sexually creative, they are simply further celebrating God’s gift of sex rather than tarnishing it. Context means everything.
The loving and respectful context of a covenant becomes a sexual playground where God invites a husband and wife to genuinely play and bond. A husband and wife who love and respect each other would never force a sex act, berate or belittle each other, or use manipulation to heighten their own sexual pleasure.
Pornography, on the other hand, has nothing to do with love and sometimes even less to do with mutuality. It’s driven by selfish motive that literally never counts the emotional and physical costs. Sex in and of itself isn’t what makes something pornographic. Sex in the wrong context with the wrong motives are the calling cards of pornography.
3. Safe vulnerability
A husband and wife who value their sexual arousal and connection not surprisingly place a high value on their relationship. They know their relationship is sacred, and it’s within that sacredness they experience safe vulnerablity.
It takes safe vulnerability to try new sexual positions and techniques. Safe vulnerability gives a husband and wife the room to genuinely listen, find sexual boundaries that work for both of them, and lean into godly passionate arousal and orgasmic pleasure.
Safe vulnerability inspires a married couple to grow in their sexual confidence and to not be afraid to expand their sexual repertoire when they make love. They aren’t limited to missionary position. With safe vulnerability, they can explore touches and techniques — giving and receiving sexual pleasure with enthusiastic abandon.
Pornography, on the other hand, isn’t about safe vulnerability at all. It’s about marginalization of some people for the gain of other people. It’s not about relationship and trust. The entire industry is rampant with diminished self worth, profits no matter the cost, and malicious exposure. There isn’t safe vulnerability when porn is made, so why would we think there would be safe vulnerablity when porn is consumed?
Considering the above three barometers, do you better see how you can have hotter sex without it being pornographic?
There are some sexual acts that appear in pornography that lose their pornographic nature when a married couple experiences them within the healthy sexual boundaries of their covenant.
God created a man’s body and a woman’s body with beautiful sexuality in mind. He envisioned covenant marriage where a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife. God in all his generosity did not limit our arousal zones to only our genitals. Thank. God.
Think of what types of touches and sexual connection with your spouse turns you on? Think of the potential you have as a husband and wife to arouse each other with your mouth, hands, lips, hair and entire bodies, including the creativity of your mind! Wow. Just wow.
So if the two of you are hungering to try something new sexually, simply ask yourself these questions: Are we being exclusive? Are we honoring God and His word? Are love, respect and safe vulnerability foundational to our relationship? If you can answer yes to those questions, you’re within God’s safe sexual playground.
Yes, you can have hotter sex without it being pornographic. Hot passionate sex in marriage is a win for intimacy! It shows that authentic sexual intimacy outshines any cheap counterfeit version porn would serve up.
God gave you a sexual playground. Go ahead and play.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.