intimacy, passion, Uncategorized
You Can Have HOT Sex in Marriage Without It Being Pornographic
May
No news flash here, but porn is devastating.
Despite what mainstream society would try to lead you to believe, the research has been in for quite some time on this. Porn decimates authentic intimacy, leaving in its wake atrocious collateral damage.
But does sexual creativity in marriage automatically mean there’s something pornographic going on? No. I am going to go a hard no on this.
A husband and wife have way more sexual freedom than many people believe, and they can embrace such freedom while still keeping sex holy. Yes! Sex is meant to be holy and passionate; intimate and erotic; sacred and tantalizing.
So what’s the difference? What makes something healthy sexual creativity in marriage rather than pornographic?
Here are three gauges you may find helpful…
1. Exclusivity
Exclusivity is foundational to healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. God designed sex to be exclusive between a husband and wife, meaning no third parties are participating in their sexual connection in any way (no one else physically having sex with you, no one watching you have sex, no use of pornography, no fantasies about people other than your spouse).
Pornography by its very nature is the opposite of exclusivity.
Pornography is all about images and videos that celebrate sexual promiscuity; a sexual free-for-all where there are no boundaries, no discretion and no authenticity. Nearly all of it is made with multiple people participating in some capacity, from the actual actors to the photographers and videographers to the business managers.
As a husband and wife, sex is a private encounter between only the two of you, not meant to be shared with others. In that exclusivity, you can enjoy sexual passion that is deeply arousing and creative.
2. Context
When a husband and wife mutually agree with genuine love to become more sexually creative, they are simply further celebrating God’s gift of sex rather than tarnishing it. Context means everything.
The loving and respectful context of a covenant becomes a sexual playground where God invites a husband and wife to genuinely play and bond. A husband and wife who love and respect each other would never force a sex act, berate or belittle each other, or use manipulation to heighten their own sexual pleasure.
Pornography, on the other hand, has nothing to do with love and sometimes even less to do with mutuality. It’s driven by selfish motive that literally never counts the emotional and physical costs. Sex in and of itself isn’t what makes something pornographic. Sex in the wrong context with the wrong motives are the calling cards of pornography.
3. Safe vulnerability
A husband and wife who value their sexual arousal and connection not surprisingly place a high value on their relationship. They know their relationship is sacred, and it’s within that sacredness they experience safe vulnerablity.
It takes safe vulnerability to try new sexual positions and techniques. Safe vulnerability gives a husband and wife the room to genuinely listen, find sexual boundaries that work for both of them, and lean into godly passionate arousal and orgasmic pleasure.
Safe vulnerability inspires a married couple to grow in their sexual confidence and to not be afraid to expand their sexual repertoire when they make love. They aren’t limited to missionary position. With safe vulnerability, they can explore touches and techniques — giving and receiving sexual pleasure with enthusiastic abandon.
Pornography, on the other hand, isn’t about safe vulnerability at all. It’s about marginalization of some people for the gain of other people. It’s not about relationship and trust. The entire industry is rampant with diminished self worth, profits no matter the cost, and malicious exposure. There isn’t safe vulnerability when porn is made, so why would we think there would be safe vulnerablity when porn is consumed?
Considering the above three barometers, do you better see how you can have hotter sex without it being pornographic?
There are some sexual acts that appear in pornography that lose their pornographic nature when a married couple experiences them within the healthy sexual boundaries of their covenant.
God created a man’s body and a woman’s body with beautiful sexuality in mind. He envisioned covenant marriage where a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife. God in all his generosity did not limit our arousal zones to only our genitals. Thank. God.
Think of what types of touches and sexual connection with your spouse turns you on? Think of the potential you have as a husband and wife to arouse each other with your mouth, hands, lips, hair and entire bodies, including the creativity of your mind! Wow. Just wow.
So if the two of you are hungering to try something new sexually, simply ask yourself these questions: Are we being exclusive? Are we honoring God and His word? Are love, respect and safe vulnerability foundational to our relationship? If you can answer yes to those questions, you’re within God’s safe sexual playground.
Yes, you can have hotter sex without it being pornographic. Hot passionate sex in marriage is a win for intimacy! It shows that authentic sexual intimacy outshines any cheap counterfeit version porn would serve up.
God gave you a sexual playground. Go ahead and play.
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Out of all of the posts you’ve ever written, this is perhaps the most important and the one message more Christian couples need to hear to breakthrough to a hotter and better sex life. THANK YOU.
100% agree. I’ve struggled with porn in the past but since working on true intimacy with my wife it doesn’t even hold a candle to our lovemaking.
I’m not entirely in agreement with this post. So my wife and I occasionally access pornography together. She may be a bit unusual in that she enjoys pornography now and then, even really hardcore porn. Over the years, porn has inspired us to try things in bed and much it we’ve enjoyed. It’s always been consensual and something we wanted to do together. On other occasions, we’ll watch something and she’ll ask me, “do you like that?” I’ll invariably say yes and then we’ll try it. Vice versa–I’ll ask her if she likes something we’re watching, too, and then we’ll try it. On a few occasions, we’ve tried some things that others would probably dismiss as “porn” but for us it’s just sexual exploration. I think it’s been a lot of fun for us and through it we’ve learned a lot about each other. For example, she likes to be dominated. We don’t always use porn–maybe 10% of time we do. But it’s created opportunities for fun and exploration for us.
@Alex… thanks for commenting. I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree, which I’m totally cool with. Many times when someone comments they have an opinion different than me. I am firmly in the camp that viewing porn invites third parties into something that is meant to be exclusive between a husband and wife. I recognize, though, that not everyone will agree with me on that. Thanks again for stopping by!
I have never thought to look on the web for topics about christians struggling with making love or sex
Maybe most couples dont but I have heard over years that non inhibited sex with your christian partner is taboo. How wrong i was. Now its up tous to understand anything is o.k. if we both discuss prioro to what we had in mind to try. so thigs like, showering together, cleanliness and a basic prepearedness for our desire can take a lot of stres away
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Julie,
I agree with Songs that this is a very important article.
Also, that it may be the best and most complete one of yours that I have read. I really loved it. I have had many questions about a limited use of porn or light erotica in movies as an aid in arousal and lovemaking. Really, for me at least, unnecessary.
Number 1, exclusivity, it is the main issue as I see it. I have to focus my desires on my wife, and her me, or it can be sin (I think it IS sin, but realize this may be true for me only).
There is much more I would like to say, but already lengthy enough. Great job. I love your heart for this and your mission.
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I whole heartedly agree with this post, now that I’m a mature adult and understand better intimacy in a Christian marriage.
That being said, I struggle now in my marriage because porn was a part of my life before I was married and that was what was a turn on for me. A lot of the sexual acts I know about are because of porn. I know there are many things that may be appropriate for just a married couple but had I not read about it or watched it somewhere I wouldn’t know to do it. (I guess I’m just not creative sexually.) Does that make sense? I’m glad to hear in some marriages people can figure out how to be aroused just between each other, without having seen porn or read about sexual acts somewhere. For me as a Christian I feel that I’m working backwards now trying to rid porn from my life and trying to figure out how to be aroused without it. Because it’s not something that is welcomed in our marriage.
Julie, thank you for keeping banging the drum: Sex in Christian marriage can (and was always intended to) be exciting, thrilling and better than any other sex. I hope you don’t mind but it needs to be heard again and again above the clamour of the world.
Porn does trivialize the act of intimacy.
The sex might be real, but everything is still staged.
I myself want my own spouse to feel like the star in our bed even suggesting that she is the sexiest, hottest and sweetest woman in the planet. (Sweet is sexy)
Kind of took her breath away, expressing how I’m more attracted to her than women 1/2 her age.
We do have a mirror at the head of our bed and with her underneath me and seeing the reflection of her breasts’ and her pretty toes elevated part
way up in the air, is major turn on to me.
It’s like she is on a big screen.
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