Contrary to what the cover of Cosmopolitan may tell you, amazing sex isn’t about mastering five simple touches to drive your man wild tonight or the “sure fire” ways to guarantee your woman climaxes hard.
And don’t fall for the lies peddled by social media and society that singles hooking up in their 20s have the market cornered on passionate sex.
Oh how easily we get sucked into this line of thinking. Average everyday normal-looking people who live less-than-glamorous ordinary lives, working ordinary jobs and living in ordinary neighborhoods couldn’t possibly be having amazing sex in their marriage, right?
We think amazing sex is reserved for someone else. Someone better looking and better positioned. Someone who is different from us.
But I’ve long said that married couples who embrace God’s vision for sex should be the most vocal champions of unbridled sexual passion. Within marriage and within the sexual freedom God gives a husband and wife is where we find the potential for the very best sex.
So how do we get to all this great sex I speak of?! Well, sadly (but not surprisingly) it’s nothing that a magazine is going to scream in its headlines.
If you want amazing sex in your marriage, you and your spouse would be wise to invest in these five things:
1. Genuine friendship
Want to be a great lover to your spouse? Make sure you haven’t lost sight of being their friend.
Do you nurture companionship? Do you speak well of them, especially in front of others? Do you have their best interests at heart? Have you gone out of your way to be a good listener and a protector of their dreams? Friendship in a marriage is what equips us to stay the course, especially when life gets messy. And let’s face it. Life is going to get messy.
Friendship helps us not give up. Authentic friendship between a husband and wife isn’t just sexy; it’s what creates a safe haven where passion can grow and flourish. It is what motivates to address sexual struggles and count the costs of what would happen if we didn’t.
2. Foundational trust
You and your spouse mutually enjoying sex is going to take trust. This is why when trust has been violated in a marriage, rebuilding it is vital, no matter how hard that may be. Humility, patience, intentionality, time, prayer, forgiveness… these help a couple re-align what has been lost and skewed.
Profound sexual connection requires so much nakedness; physical for sure, but emotional too. We are reluctant to be physically and emotionally naked if we haven’t invested in building foundational trust. And when that trust is built (or rebuilt, if necessary), couples can discover an indescribable sexual connection.
3. Positive attitude
Do you both have a positive attitude about sex? Do you see sex as a “get to” more often than a “have to?” Do you place high value not only on your own pleasure, but equally on your spouse’s pleasure?
People who are having amazing sex in marriage rarely (if ever) see it as a burden. I’m not saying you don’t occasionally have to “take one for the team,” but generally speaking, when a husband and wife have a positive attitude about sex, they both thoroughly enjoy making love.
4. Great communication
If I asked you to name three specific things that turn your spouse on, could you do it? If I asked your spouse to name three specific things that turn you on, could they do it?
Married couples experiencing off-the-charts sexual passion have clear communication. They have taken the time to learn and understand each other’s bodies, and they have expressed clearly what they like and don’t like sexually. They don’t rely solely on assumption and intuition.
That’s why I think the “three specific things” question is a good internal gauge. I mean, I hope you know more than three, but three is a good place to start. Specific things. Specific touches or techniques or other things you say or do that are incredibly arousing.
5. Lowered inhibitions
God has given a husband and wife tremendous freedom to enjoy each other’s bodies within the exclusivity of their covenant. Let’s not forget that God is the creator of orgasm, that intense physical sensation that is unlike any other. A husband and wife enjoying phenomenal sex are not afraid to lower their inhibitions behind closed doors, and to pursue sexual pleasure and oneness with each other.
Of the five things I listed above, you’ll notice I did not say amazing sex happens only for people with perfectly-toned bodies, flawless beauty, a huge bank account, remarkable fame and a fantastic wardrobe. Isn’t it fascinating (and saddening) that we still are sucked into this kind of delusion — that the best sex must be happening only for people who look like they could grace the cover of a magazine.
Don’t get me wrong. I sure hope all those married supermodels and actors and singers and celebrities and insanely wealthy people are having great sex! Maybe some of them are; maybe some of them aren’t. I just don’t want you to think that it is their attractiveness by society’s standards that makes the great sex possible.
Call me crazy, but I want the kind of sex that is a reflection of the depth of the love and the vow I share with my husband. I have no room in my bed or my heart for something superficial.
Of the five things I listed, where do you and your spouse have room to grow? Maybe use this blog post as a conversation starter to help you talk more about sexual intimacy in your marriage.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.