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I am a wife with a high sex drive that seems to only be increasing as I age. Sure, that may change some day, but for now, my husband and I are learning to navigate our mismatched drives.
It’s not to say my husband and I don’t enjoy profound sexual intimacy, because we do. But my drive outpaces his right now, which is frustrating to both of us to some degree.
If I don’t keep my heart in check, below are five things that can blind me. If you too are a high drive wife, I imagine you can relate.
Read through the below to feel affirmed (there’s nothing wrong with having a high sex drive) and encouraged (there are healthy ways to cope).
It’s like that old adage that if you really want a red car, you start seeing red cars everywhere. As a wife with a high sex drive, it’s easy to feel a little jealous if I start thinking sex is happening in other marriages way more than in my own.
First of all, when it comes to frequency, unless someone has told me how much sex they are having in their marriage, I don’t really know this info about most couples. I have to remind myself that I may very well be jealous of what I am assuming, rather than what I actually know.
And let’s face it. Comparing our own marriage to others is useless if the goal isn’t to drive us toward more authentic nurturing of our own marriage. In other words, wallowing in jealousy doesn’t do any good. It’s not biblical. It’s not productive. And it ultimately does not make us feel better. If anything, it generally makes us feel worse.
So instead of being jealous of other couples, I am learning to focus on the specific things (big and small) I can do to nurture my own marriage.
It is so easy today to let our thoughts wander, and I’m not even talking about pornography (although that, of course, is a serious temptation to guard against).
Much tamer fare is also enticing. Nighttime dramas and romantic movies segue fairly quickly into steamy or romantic sex scenes. It’s easy — and unhealthy — to let my thoughts wander to an inordinate amount of attention on those parts of shows. (For example, I mention why I was drawn to the show The Good Wife in my post 5 Signs a Wife Is in a Sexual Desert. Sure, the acting and writing were stellar. But I generally was watching for the sex scenes).
For some of you it may not be television shows or movies, but rather romance novels. It can be a slippery slope when we look to numb ourselves with entertainment. Ask God for discernment when you are turning to these things to satisfy you rather than leaning into God and being vulnerable with your husband.
I can lose perspective on life if I become overly focused on what I’m not getting in bed. As I mentioned up at the top of the post, it’s not as if Randy and I aren’t having sex. Our marriage is not void of sex completely, which would be a different scenario altogether.
As I have often said, there is a big distinction between reasonable differences in frequency as opposed to complete absence (or near absence) of sex.
If you are a wife with a high sex drive, you have to keep things in perspective. Do you want sex 3-4 times a week and he wants it once a week or every 10 days? There’s room for dialogue there. Could his sex drive be higher if a few changes were made (improved health, for example) or is the difference in sex drive simply that — a difference.
When my husband and I talked vulnerably about this, he did reassure me that his lower desire for sex is not because he doesn’t find me desirable. I needed to hear that, and I have to remind myself of it every now and then.
Marriage should be a place of whole-picture thinking. Don’t let your high sex drive cause you to lose perspective.
I confided in a good friend about my struggle with mismatched sex drives in my marriage. She wisely asked how my relationship with God was. I assured her I believed it was fine and that my longing for more sex was not taking a toll on my relationship with God.
And I was telling the truth. I do believe that.
But I do think her wisdom compelled me to think more deeply on something. Is my first reaction when I feel discouraged about sex in my marriage to go to God? Is that my first reaction? Sometimes, yes. But other times, no.
Just being aware of this helps me grow in my willingness to go to God first when I am discouraged.
Gratitude has become kind of a trendy word as of the last several years. I know this because I’m a bit of a self-help junkie, and I love picking up tips on living life to the fullest.
But being grateful for all the positive aspects of my life isn’t just a trendy thing to do. It’s a wise thing to do! It is impossible to be consumed with discouragement about mismatched sex drives in my marriage AND simultaneously soak in gratitude at the same time. We have to decide where to devote our energy and thought life.
So if you find yourself wandering (or running?!) down a path of bitterness, ungratefulness and pessimism about sex in your marriage, immediately stop and think of three things for which you are grateful. I know, it seems like a silly exercise at first, but silly exercises can become helpful habits if we do them enough.
I have a lot for which to be grateful when it comes to my relationship with the man I married. I am guessing in your own marriage, you can fuel your gratitude as well.
I realize I wrote this post as a wife with a high sex drive, but I think the same observations and suggestions would apply to husbands with high drives too.
I also want to add that when the frequency of sex in marriage becomes an issue, a husband and wife may find it helpful to broaden their definition of sex beyond intercourse. In other words, could you add sexual encounters where the lower-drive spouse simply helps the higher-drive spouse have an orgasm? This can be a healthy compromise for both of you.
There are various lubricants and sex toys available at Honoring Intimates, where I have an affiliate relationship. Just click on the below image.
If you are someone with a higher drive than your spouse — and if those differences truly are rooted in a frequency difference, rather than a complete absence of sex — what in this post resonates with you? What else would you add, if anything, on things to guard against?
My pal J at Hot Holy Humorous has good insights, so check out her post High-Drive Wives Are Not Crockpots, which also links to some other posts on being a high-drive wife.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.