When I wrote my post about husbands being in a sexual desert, a few faithful women readers called me out and suggested I give equal air time (or screen time, I guess) to wives who are in a sexual desert.
I hear you.
In many regards, the points I brought up in that post could be rephrased with the pronoun “she” instead of “he” and would be just as accurate.
Yes, your wife could be in a sexual desert if…
1. She is the only one who initiates sex.
2. She has stopped initiating sex.
3. She goes to bed way before you or long after you or she always sleeps in a different room.
4. She is gravitating toward porn or adultery.
5. She has told you she is in a sexual desert.
If you are a husband reading this, I encourage you to go to my original post, and replace “she” everywhere you see “he.” You may learn a thing or two about your wife.
All that being said, I recognize that many of you want me to elaborate beyond pointing to a previous post and messing with pronouns.
Some wives reading this are in a sexual desert. Maybe that describes you.
You’re lonely for your husband’s sexual touch and desire. You want to be wanted. By him.
So here’s my heart’s attempt to give credence to what you’re going through, and hopefully along the way, some husbands will humbly listen as well.
First, I want to shout from the rooftops that there are wives — many wives — who love sex.
And not only for the emotional connection. Yes, that’s a bonafide reason to engage in sex often, and many wives know it deep in their soul. But they also love sex because they genuinely enjoy sexual pleasure.
Shocking, right? Uh, no.
There are countless wives who crave what happens when they come.
They revel in the feeling of arousal and orgasm. Their orgasm makes sex more fun, relieves stress, strengthens their marriage, boosts their positive attitude, and so on.
We would all do our marriages justice by recognizing that men are not the only ones who intensely enjoy sexual pleasure.
While we are on the topic of orgasm, you may be in a sexual desert if you struggle having one. If that is the case, you and your husband need to address this openly and with intentional effort to overcome this struggle. I have an entire page on my site devoted to orgasm that you may find helpful.
Husbands, if your wife is hungering for more sex, don’t assume that the lack of intimacy isn’t taking a toll on her thought life.
It likely is.
This can show up in all kinds of ways, whether she finds herself drawn to pornographic or provocative material. Or maybe she lingers long on those sex scenes in the nighttime dramas she is watching on Netflix or Amazon Prime.
I will be vulnerable on that last point.
I watched the show The Good Wife on Amazon Prime, and I humbly admit it wasn’t just for the solid writing and acting.
It was at a time in our marriage when we were struggling sexually, and I found myself captivated by the sex scenes in that show. I’m not proud of that, and I’m grateful we are now in a much better place. I’m simply being real with you.
A wife who is in a sexual desert may daydream about what could happen if another man’s attention drifted beyond an innocent compliment. Possibly she is finding another man’s eye contact increasingly irresistible. She camps out for awhile in that moment. Sure, she may never make a move, but the simple fact her heart is being swayed excites her. And scares her.
She may even go out of her way to be near another man. Even if she knows that she knows that she knows… she would never jeopardize her marriage. Or maybe she does jeopardize her marriage and has an affair. Sure, that’s on her, but her sexual desert likely gave clues on how she arrived at that sin.
If your wife is in a sexual desert, she may find no other way to relieve that tension than to masturbate secretly, all while wishing it was you who wanted to sexually please her.
As is the case with a husband in a sexual desert, a wife feeling sexually deprived is likely wrestling with immeasurable rejection. She suspects it isn’t just her body you don’t want. It’s her you don’t want.
And that is almost unbearable. To know the person who stood at an altar and pledge their life to you has lost all interest in you and the life and bed you share together.
A wife in a sexual desert may be waging a war internally, trying to figure out how much she should push you toward doing something — anything — about the sexual disconnect between the two of you.
See a doctor? Go to a counselor? Read a book together? Actually talk about what’s happening (or not happening) in your home and bed?
If she has asked for any of the above, especially more than once, then she is likely in a sexual desert.
I know every marriage is unique and the scenarios and circumstances that show up in one may look different than what shows up in another.
But trust me on this.
There are wives who find themselves in a sexual desert, and that heartache is no less painful for them than it is for husbands facing similar sexual rejection.
For more reading, consider my page Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It.
What other signs of a sexual desert can you think of?
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.