3 Ways to Be More Spontaneous with Sex

It was mid-morning, and our son had just bundled up in his snow gear to go sledding with a neighborhood friend.

My husband recognized the rare opportunity when the house was completely ours to connect sexually during the day.

I have to admit.  I’m not exactly a morning sex gal (even mid-morning). But I can be convinced! And on this particular day, I was easily convinced! The sex was awesome! The connection was awesome! And the rest of the day went swimmingly well (no surprise there).

How often do you and your spouse enjoy spontaneous sex? The flip side of that question would be, “Is sex in your marriage always predictable?” When we think of predictable, that could mean only having sex when you’ve scheduled it or always following the same routine, so to speak, when you make love.

Certainly there is nothing wrong with scheduling sex (a great technique that works for many couples). And as for your intimacy typically following the same pattern in bed, that’s not necessarily bad either. After all, it probably shows to some degree that you have figured out what works to bring you both pleasure.

But there’s equally something to be said for spontaneity in your sexual intimacy. The healthiest married couples likely have a good mix of both — planned sex and unplanned sex; sex that follows a routine and sex that is wildly unpredictable.

If you are looking to increase the spontaneity in sexual intimacy, here are some ideas…

3 Ways to Be More Spontaneous with Sex

1. Always say yes!

Okay, I know it may not be realistic to always say yes when your spouse spontaneously initiates sex. Obviously, if having sex in a particular moment would negatively impact someone else (like making it to your sister’s wedding on time), then you have to be grown ups. Make it to the wedding on time. Have sex later.

All that being said, is “yes” is your default answer to your spouse’s sexual desire? The more it can be, the better! A good tip is to coach your spouse on what will make it easier for you to say “yes” more often.

For example, if your husband wants a morning quickie, tell him you’re all in if he wakes you up 15 minutes before you would normally get up. Guys, if you press up against her sensually just as she is finishing her hair and make-up and trying to get out the door, your success rate isn’t going to be very high (at least not for sex in that moment).

Timing matters.

Wives, if you want to have sex with your husband and he has his eye on mowing the lawn before it rains, might be better to wait till after he mows — and then suggest that the two of you shower together!

What are you doing in your marriage so that it is easy for both of you to say “yes” to sex when the other one asks? Have you built a culture in your marriage where your spouse doesn’t feel apprehensive about expressing their sexual desire for you? If not, start today to build that culture — a culture of a resounding sexual YES!

2. Be more affectionate when your clothes are on.

I could have just titled this more PDA (public display of affection). But I didn’t want to limit it to the expression you show in front of others, even though I am a huge fan of PDA.

How is your physical affection at home in your everyday life?

Do you touch?

Do you hug?

Do you playfully let your hands wander in the kitchen?

Do you sit close to each other when watching a show?

Do you kiss regularly?

Do you rest your hand on your spouse’s thigh when you’re in the car?

I have long held to the belief that how we behave affectionately with our clothes on speaks volumes as to the enjoyment of each other’s bodies when the clothes come off. If you want spontaneity to increase sexually in your marriage, a great place to start is increasing your genuine physical affection when you aren’t having sex.

Yes, I know that touch is not everyone’s love language. But we can grow in all the love languages, including the ones that are not our primary ones. When a husband and wife have healthy touch, this reflects positively in their marriage overall.

3. Make the sexual encounter all about your spouse.

Sometimes it can be deliciously fun to make a sexual encounter just about your spouse. Not every time, of course, but sometimes it is a tantalizing expression of love to bless your spouse spontaneously with sexual attention that is all about them.

Just tell them from the start to relax and that this moment is just about them. Oral sex may be the most common sexual gift that can be offered up this way, but don’t rule out using your hands (and a lubricant if needed) or a sexual toy to bring your spouse an intense orgasm.

And then encourage them to bask in that feeling, without the expectation of returning the favor. (Although, I would be willing to bet you both may get wonderfully riled up in the process!)

What makes this kind of spontaneity most valuable is when it is the unexpected rare treat. The anticipation of a sexual experience that your spouse has made just about you is what is alluring. And, of course, it has to be an equal opportunity field of play, meaning that it can’t be just one spouse in the marriage receiving this kind of sexual blessing.

So those are just three ideas to boost the spontaneity.

What else would you suggest?

Some couples find it fun to spontaneously have sex in places other than their bed.

Maybe you want to get playful with handwritten propositions, written in a fun code understood only by the two of you to mean something sexual.

Role play and fantasy can be wonderful elements to bring in (as long as you are keeping your intimacy exclusive to just the two of you).

Some couples purchase sexual games or books with ideas where the spouses alternate planning a sexual adventure. FamilyLife has a product called Simply Romantic Nights, which has ideas for a husband and wife to build all aspects of intimacy in their marriage.

Feel free to comment on other ideas that come to mind!  I moderate my comments, so if you comment, it won’t appear right away. But I’m confident we can come up with a whole list of ideas to boost spontaneity!


For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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