Ahh, the day of love. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.
When it comes to romance and passion, no other day probably carries more hope – or more pressure. Entire industries count on this dynamic, as people scramble for the ideal card, restaurant reservation, box of chocolates, jewelry or stuffed teddy bear.
What about you and your spouse? Is this a day you eagerly anticipate or slightly dread?
And what about sex on this day? Is sexual connection a tantalizing given or do you have to work hard to get yourself in the mood?
As someone who speaks and writes on sex in marriage, I’m insatiably fascinated with what helps a husband and wife build authentic sexual connection in their relationship. Sure, a well-chosen card, yummy chocolates and a romantic dinner out can be great expressions of love. But I’ve never known such tokens to be foundational cornerstones to profound passion beneath the sheets.
Hear me out. I’m not saying you’re off the hook for tangibly showing love. Guys, if your wife craves a certain kind of chocolate, by all means, wow her in the way you fulfill that craving. And wives, if your man’s love language is words of affirmation, don’t skip the card.
I’m just saying that as sweet as the Valentine’s Day gifts are, they aren’t the key ingredients to amazing Valentine’s Day sex.
The below three things may affirm what you are already doing in your relationship OR may inspire you to up your game a bit. Either way, embrace this Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to nurture sex in your marriage.
1. Solid friendship
Do the two of you genuinely like each other? Such an odd question to ask a husband and a wife about the nature of their friendship, right? But it is a monumentally important question. If you find yourself struggling sexually, could it be because you haven’t worked hard on your intimacy outside of the bedroom?
Camaraderie, shared interests and burdens, trust, a sense of partnership, fun, laughter, compassion, support, appreciation — we don’t build these overnight, but when we do indeed build them with our spouse, the ripple effect is huge.
Good friendship makes for good sex in a marriage if we are willing to make that connection.
I’ve had some nice quickies. Seriously, I have. But they would never be my first choice sexually for my husband and me. Want to have great Valentine’s Day sex? Take your time sexually arousing each other.
What does this mean? Well, for one it means being aware of any sexual ruts you may have fallen into — you know, always doing the same things and following the same patterns. Too much of this and sex becomes predictable and, dare I say, potentially dull.
Draw foreplay out a bit more. Try some new touches. Learn to understand the healthy ebb and flow of bringing your spouse to the edge of ecstasy, backing off a little, and then increasing stimulation again.
And after you make love, soak in those moments a bit. Don’t be so quick to jump up from bed and throw on your pajamas. Maybe spend some time caressing your spouse’s arms or back. Savor the lingering pleasure.
Time can be a good ally when it comes to lovemaking, but you have to be intentional to not rush.
3. Mutual pleasure
I was speaking once and a husband in the audience asked if I climax every time my husband and I make love. I know to some people this question may seem too personal, but considering the context and topic of my talk, I understood what he was trying to understand.
How important is both a husband’s and a wife’s sexual pleasure to the overall quality of sex? Profoundly important if you ask me, which is exactly what the man at my talk was indeed asking.
My radar goes up a bit any time I hear a wife say that she doesn’t really care about her own orgasm. A dynamic like this in a marriage tends to drift quite rapidly to sex becoming boring and routine for her, just another task to check of her list. As I have often said, orgasm isn’t everything, but it is a very important something.
In some marriages, even when a husband is incredibly attentive and interested in helping his wife climax, she still downplays her pleasure. She may even fake it, which is damaging to the relationship in ways you may not have considered. She may not even know the negative impact of sexual unfulfillment, which makes the dynamic even more perilous for a marriage.
Sadly there are husbands who aren’t attentive and couldn’t care less about her pleasure, but most husbands I hear from? Yes, most find it incredibly arousing to help their wife come, which is why I wrote the post 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax.
And the wives I hear from who have learned to embrace and appreciate their own sexual pleasure know the difference it makes. They know how orgasmic pleasure nourishes not only their own wellbeing, but that of the relationship as well.
When it comes to making mutual pleasure a high priority in your sexual intimacy, I encourage you both to grow in your expression of what you like and what you need sexually. Listen to each other closely. Invite feedback. Learn. Try new techniques and touches.
May arousing your spouse become as great a turn on for you as being the one aroused. That is a worthy sexual goal in marriage.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, read this post with your spouse and together resolve to not only enjoy an intimate Valentine’s Day, but also a more intimate relationship all year long.
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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