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Hold on to that question for awhile, because we’ll come back to it (as well as the three questions I promised in the headline). Let’s first talk about my New Year’s Eve.
I spent New Year’s Eve at a wedding. Who among us doesn’t agree that few occasions rival a wedding when it comes to the feeling that all things are possible?
And this one was particularly special for some personal reasons (too many to unpack here, but take my word that this wedding meant a lot to me). And I feel incredibly optimistic this couple is going to outshine the statistics and go the distance.
A wedding and a new year at the same time were the ideal backdrop for my mind and heart, because as some of you know, I am zealous — borderline euphoric — about the fresh start ambiance that makes a beeline for the New Year’s table.
I am indeed a self help junkie. I never weary of finding new ways to tweak what isn’t working while simultaneously believing something will work. All is not lost. There. Is. Still. Hope.
So let’s go back to the question, “Is this the year sex in marriage gets better for you?”
Some of you are scoffing at the question and some of you are pondering it. Some of you feel angry, disappointed and disillusioned. And some of you feel enthusiastic, hopeful and re-energized.
I know that everything about which I write and speak does not resonate with every person, but this year more than any other year, I will be working harder than ever to help where I can help.
Up until just recently, I had a part-time job that had nothing to do with speaking and writing about sex. I worked that job for more than nine years, and I am grateful for the ways it helped my family financially. But I knew — I just knew in my gut — that it was time for me to take the risk to quit that job and dedicate my time to speaking and writing and sex.
So will you rally for me in that regard?
Will you pray that my efforts won’t be in vain?
Will you trust that as I produce more quality content and explore the best platforms to reach more people, that indeed more marriages will be strengthened in this area of sexual intimacy? I humbly thank you for your support. I am super excited, giddy with what 2019 is going to hold.
Which brings us back once again to the question, “Is this the year sex in marriage gets better for you?”
This is the miscommunication obstacle that trips up so many couples. They don’t know what sex means to each other. Too many assumptions are made (some of them ridiculously stereotypical, like that sex is simply a “release” for a guy, void of deep emotion. Every husband I have talked to says that’s just not the case).
If you have yet to ask your spouse what sex means to them, now may be the time. If you have not told your spouse what sex means to you, now may be the time.
God has given a husband and wife a tremendous sexual playground within the exclusivity of marriage. A married couple, operating from a place of love, can mutually explore new positions, new touches, new techniques.
Sex does not have to be mediocre and predictable. If that is how it is in your marriage bed, can this be the year that you break out of those routines? Begin to look into resources that will give you ideas. You could start with my post Imprisoned by Sexual Inhibitions? Want to Break Free?
Maybe improving the quality of your sexual intimacy has to do with improving your own health. It sounds so cliche, but decades upon decades of research (and good ol fashioned common sense) continues to confirm something. If we eat right, exercise, manage our stress and nourish our emotional wellbeing, we do indeed see other areas of our life improve as well.
Better sex often comes as a side effect of better self care.
There are so many solid Christian resources rich with detail and time-honored insights when it comes to sex.
I know many of you have tried heartbreakingly to get your spouse to share your vision for healthy sexual intimacy — to no avail. I wish I had easy answers (for one, I am heart-bent on helping; for two, I’d be wealthy if I had easy answers). I don’t have easy answers, and that kind of sucks.
If you are discouraged with sex in your marriage, resist the temptation to numb yourself with hard porn, soft porn or even just sexually-charged programming or entertainment. Filling your mind with things like this may make you feel better in the moment, but it never genuinely addresses the pain.
If you are trying to improve sex in your marriage, seek Christian-based resources (books, websites, podcasts, etc.) And definitely don’t rule out Christian counseling (this is good advice for more than just marriage challenges, as many of you know).
I’m a firm believer that as long as two people are still in a marriage, there is room for growth. There is room for praying for that growth. There is room for hard conversations, baby steps and doing what is within your ability to contribute to the health of the marriage.
I don’t know that it is. But I am going to lean in the direction of hope on this one. How about you?
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.