The Hard Core Truth About Sex in Marriage

I have heard that sex is a fairly accurate gauge of how well the marriage is doing.

Good sexual intimacy in marriage translates to good overall marriage.

Think on that a moment.

Think about it in relation to your own marriage. Decide if you think it is true. For your marriage.

What would your spouse say if you asked, “Is sex a fairly accurate gauge of how well our marriage is doing?”

For some of you, this might be quite the launch pad into some deeply needed and vulnerable discussion with the person you married.

I know too that some people find the correlation baloney and way too simplistic to apply to the complexity of marriage. I hear that, and I agree with it a little bit.

But I keep coming back to the way God designed authentic sexual intimacy — what He designed it to do in a marriage.

His heart was undeniably pure and compassionate when He designed sex in the first place. And He chose that avenue as one way — an incredibly significant and exclusive way — for a husband and a wife to know oneness.

I can hear some of you yelling at me through the screen right now. “Julie! THAT’s the problem. What we have is not authentic sexual intimacy!”

My heart grieves for those situations — the struggles, heartache, disconnect, influence of a skewed world. All of it is breaking my heart.

And yet I keep coming back to the hard core truth about sex in a marriage.

If a husband and wife could be having sexual intimacy regularly and are not, is the marriage as strong as it could be?

If there are sexual struggles that consistently are not addressed, is the marriage as strong as it could be?

I love sex. I really do. That probably is no surprise to you if you have read even a small iota of my blog.

But I’m not going to lie to you.

My husband and I have had our sexual droughts and struggles and disconnect, and when that happens, it wears on me.

And it wears on our marriage.

(If you thought we never have sexual struggles in our marriage, then consider yourself now welcomed to the real life world of me. It’s messy and hard and ugly at times).

The hard core truth about sex in marriage?

It is an avenue toward godly and profound connection and pleasure with the person you married. AND it also can be a rocky road toward misconception, misunderstanding and even betrayal in some circumstances.

As long as we are married, we are called to sort that out and to wrestle with trying to better understand God’s heart and our spouse.

Before you think I have completely lost all perspective, I know that authentic sexual intimacy is a much easier thing to reach if you both share that vision. It’s why I write this blog and speak about sex in marriage — I am faithfully trying to help couples find their way to that shared vision.

If your marriage is not quite there, have you talked to your spouse about it?  If not, maybe this blog post is a good launching pad for more vulnerable conversation.

Or if your struggles with sex are rooted in things in your past or a misunderstanding of God’s word, then maybe God is using this post to have you look closer — closer at what robbed you then and whether it is still robbing you now in your marriage.

I know these are not easy things to ponder — the whole idea of sex being a gauge of how well things are going in our marriage. Nope. Not easy things to ponder.

That’s why I titled the post, “The Hard Core Truth About Sex in Marriage.”

Copyright 2017, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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8 thoughts on “The Hard Core Truth About Sex in Marriage

  1. A says:

    Well said Julie. Now if you would write a follow up post on the impact that great sexual intimacy has on harmonizing your life as a married couple as far as the aspect of your home life. How does sex keep you from petty disagreements turning into full blown arguments? How does sex help you say “Thank you for being you”, or, “I’m sorry”? How does sex help you function together as a team? We already know the damage that denying sex does to marriages. Let’s hear the positive affirmation that sex brings to all aspects of your married life.

  2. oldermarried says:

    Marriage can have its rocky moments. With health crises, children, now grandchildren, and the pressures of daily life, if my wife and I connect sexually, it brings everything back to the relationship: why are we together?

    Sex is the only time we are truly “just us”. No one else can come in. No one disturbs. No one knows the depth of feeling and passion that we feel for one another. Sex is the only totally one on one activity that God blesses as separate from all others.

  3. jf says:

    As long as we are married, we are called to sort that out and to wrestle with trying to better understand God’s heart and our spouse.
    Julie, this is my favorite line. I tells me to never give up, there is always God and my husband to consider. It is not all about me.

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  5. GoodDad says:

    The hardcore truth about sex in marriage is that women do not think they have any obligation to provide it to their husbands. They can stop sex altogether, often do, and there’s absolutely nothing a married man can do about it, other than the financial devastation of divorce. I know of several marriages where the the wife just said “not interested – too bad” and the husband was left miserable. Oh and he was called a name for looking at a Playboy, no criticism to the wife for denying sex for 20 years. The takeaway: don’t get married, men, it’s a trap. The sex your girlfriend implies or demonstrates before you’re married is a lie; a fraudulent piece of information. Assume it will be rare and a nuisance to them, THEN decide whether or not to get married.

  6. GoodDad says:

    Cassie, you made a wonderful, flowery statement about sex being sacred. All the Christian clergy says the same thing, and they stop there. If it’s so sacred and so special, why to more than 90% of all married men say sex is a nuisance to their wives? Something to be avoided or put last on the priority list? The fact is that women don’t think the way you do, and without the threat of divorce they will never meet their husband’s needs (because they don’t have to). I suggest all us Christians STOP making fluff statements and start treating sexual neglect as the same sin as adultery.

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