orgasm, sex, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized
Is Masturbation During Sex Okay? Three Scenarios When I Say YES!
Oct
Recently I spoke to a group of women, and whenever I speak, I always give them the opportunity to submit anonymous questions that I answer at the end of the talk.
One of the questions was, “I’m curious about your take on masturbation during sex.”
This is a great question!
First let me say that I know there is not a lot of consensus among Christians about masturbation.
Some believe it is always wrong. Some believe it is wrong only for singles. And some believe there are various circumstances that make it okay or not okay. The spectrum is wide on this topic.
Suffice to say, we Christians are a feisty and opinionated bunch, particularly on certain aspects of sex.
I don’t want to unpack everything about masturbation (because I’ve done that before in a few posts with my friend J. from Hot Holy and Humorous, and I think we touched on some good points. Pun intended. I couldn’t resist). You can see our posts at this link and this link.
What I DO want to discuss is the specific scenario the woman at the talk asked that I address. Is masturbation during sex okay?
I’ve always felt that as long as a married couple is keeping their sexual intimacy exclusive (no third parties — real, depicted or imagined) AND no one is getting hurt (one spouse isn’t physically, emotionally or spiritually causing harm to the other spouse as a means to sexual pleasure), AND the sexual activity isn’t clearly prohibited by God, then I think God gives tremendous freedom in the marriage bed.
I believe wholeheartedly that many couples include masturbation in their lovemaking, but they likely don’t call it that. We tend to associate the word “masturbation” with being an individual act that one person does alone.
Not always the case, though.
Healthy sexual intimacy in a marriage involves a range of nuances and techniques that a couple discovers are profoundly satisfying and significant for them. That is part of what makes sex such a path to oneness — our tender ability as a married couple to make it uniquely our own, to appreciate God’s gift of sex for marriage and to enjoy it as a sacred aspect of our relationship.
And as I told the ladies at my talk, it is good to remind ourselves that our sexual intimacy takes place in private. When you and your husband share this value of healthy, exclusive and enjoyable sex, then there’s no reason to feel inhibited by what others would “think of you” if they “knew” what you do when you make love.
Walk in freedom.
Masturbation during sex usually happens for these three reasons:
1. It is visually a turn on.
A husband may be greatly aroused by seeing his wife pleasure herself, and a wife may be greatly aroused by seeing her husband pleasure himself.
In this light, something (masturbation) that is often and errantly painted only as selfish actually is a loving act of unselfishness — done to arouse the person you love. For example, if during lovemaking a husband is turned on by his wife pleasuring herself AND she feels fine about this, then I see this as a positive aspect of their healthy intimacy.
2. It helps increase the likelihood of an orgasm (particularly for the wife).
Many a wife out there has used her own fingers to stimulate her clitoris while her husband is thrusting so that she can climax more easily during their lovemaking. Another example would be she and her husband are engaging in a position that doesn’t put the penis in good contact with her clitoris, so she may use her hands to simultaneously stimulate herself.
3. It allows for sexual release for a wife after a husband has already climaxed.
Sometimes a husband may climax before his wife does (not unusual, especially among younger men). This is no reflection on his skills as a lover, but rather is the reality of how the penis works. Once he has come, his erection naturally subsides, making thrusting no longer beneficial for his wife.
Yes, I know that there are techniques where he can try to delay or slow down the rate at which his arousal is escalating, but there is no guarantee that a husband and a wife will always be able to get this timing right during every sexual encounter.
Let’s be real, right?! Sex is a messy unscripted endeavor, and no two encounters are alike.
OR it could be that she did climax during intercourse, but wants to climax again after her husband has had an orgasm.
In either scenario, one way for her to have more sexual release is through masturbation after intercourse. Of course, what is best is that a couple have good communication, that a husband is still caressing or kissing her in a way she desires, and that they are on the same page about what is enjoyable in their lovemaking.
Remember, sexual pleasure for a husband and a wife was God’s idea, so we should embrace it as such.
He gave us our entire bodies as arousal vessels. That was His idea, not something we conjured up on our own.
And you don’t have to be married for long before you discover that enjoyable sexual intimacy takes a good mix of trial and error, intuition and communication, light touch and firm stimulation, subtle hints and direct requests.
Desire and arousal and the intense feeling of an orgasm mingle well in a marriage bed where a husband and a wife take to heart all sex can be.
When a couple is nurturing healthy sexual intimacy and they want masturbation to complement their lovemaking, I think this is completely fine.
I imagine there are other scenarios too where masturbation may be a vital aspect of a married couple’s lovemaking, such as latter stages of pregnancy when intercourse may be difficult or if a couple is facing other physical challenges.
For more reading on orgasm, don’t forget to check out my orgasm page. (I know, crazy, right? I have an orgasm page on my site).
Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
What a great post! Thank you for sharing! It was well written and easy to receive!
This is a fine post. I think many have the idea that the “M” word is a forbidden one, and by extension, a forbidden activity.
We don’t talk about it. But if it keeps a spouse from being frustrated, due to the man finishing too fast, I agree that a “little help” is better than frustration. As a guy, I can’t imagine how that would be anything less than horrific.
I like the idea that you mention that often the woman does indeed have an orgasm, but one might not be enough. What a lovely scenario, to be able to bring one’s wife to climax again (and maybe again) after finishing yourself.
When my wife and I were first married, there were difficulties. I was so worried about hurting her, that I didn’t always finish. Then, it became clear that it was making her sore, so no one was happy. When we first “figured it out”, I was finishing, but she wasn’t. Anatomy 101 followed, and we realized that my penis was not hitting her clitoris. Once adjustments were made, she started having climaxes. This was extremely exciting to me, and allowed me to also finish. Then we discovered multiples for her. Wow!
But she thinks climaxing without the penis is somehow “doing it wrong”. I contend it would (all of it) enhance her enjoyment–as well as mine.
May we all keep open minds, as long as our minds are on our loving spouses.
Julie, I am soooooo glad for this post. This topic of masturbation during sex with one’s spouse has been on my mind for some time. I enjoy intimacy with my spouse, but I rarely feel any pleasure from our intimate moments and in the past this lead to great frustration and feelings of resentment that he would climax and I would not. He is afraid to stimulate me with hands or touch me below the waist. Touching above the waist is no problem but he has an issue with touching intimately, states he never liked how it felt or he’s afraid to get his hands “dirty” even though I know touching me his wife, is not a dirty thing at all. I don’t know what is at the root of his issue of not touching me but I do not climax with intercourse alone and I’m glad you addressed this. I hate to admit this, but I did have a bit of what I would call an unhealthy sexual addiction at one time but the Lord delivered me from that. I never cheated on my spouse, but I did get into some unhealthy things such as watching some things online I shouldn’t have and obtaining a sexual release alone on my own. I realized that was wrong and asked God for forgiveness. I still struggle with wanting to use a vibrator with my spouse to help me climax. However he is uncomfortable with that. It’s just frustrating that in the past I had incredible orgasms by myself, on my own before I was a married woman. I never engaged in premarital sex but I do regret an addiction to masturbation that started in my early 20’s when I was in college. I don’t understand why I can’t have great, mind blowing orgasms with my husband. I know God loves me, has forgiven me and wants me to experience the beauty of sexual expression with my husband but my husband’s fear/unwillingness to stimulate me manually is a huge brick wall for me, but instead of being bitter, I am really trying to have peace about it. I didn’t want to feel guilty for masturbating in the marriage bed with him. There have been a few times I’ve quietly stimulated myself while he was sleeping beside me just needing a release to help me fall asleep. I haven’t done that in awhile, seems like some medication I’ve been on, even though a low dose, has been lowering my libido and I don’t like that but the medication benefits far outweigh the slight decrease in libido I’ve been experiencing. But that’s another story. I really appreciate this post as I want FREEDOM not to feel guilty for masturbating with my husband. I wish he would encourage me to do it. There was a night a few years ago I cried after sex because he had a release and I didn’t. I wasn’t afraid to tell him the reason I was sad and tearful that night. But he thinks it’s “my problem” or something wrong with me and doesn’t see it as “our problem”, something to work on a solution together as a couple to make the wife more happier and feeling more sexually satisfied. I want to be that wife someday. I felt convicted NOT to masturbate alone and stopped that a few years ago but honestly felt it was okay to do it in our marriage bed but I still felt guilty about self pleasuring esp if he was asleep beside me but I sure wasn’t going to wake him up. Or I felt inhibited or shy at first masturbating with my husband present whether awake or sleeping but I told myself I wouldn’t do it alone anymore after being convicted about it. This was an amazing post Julie! You hit a home run, out of the ballpark with this post! I can’t thank you enough.
My husband also refuses to give me the stimulation needed by his hand or tongue to get me to climax. Intercourse alone isn’t enough. He pretty much told me it was my problem and my responsibility and it was unfair of me to expect him to “do all the work,” so I took matters into my own hands. Literally.
We do woman on top and while engaging in intercourse I self stimulate.
If I didn’t have masturbation, I wouldn’t have a sex life at all. I likely would have fallen into infidelity years ago with the almost celibate marriage I have.
To “just want2Bone” I’m so sorry about your issue regarding your alone time with your spouse, I wish I knew how or what to tell you, what I can say is that I have been married for over 30years and as of this month she hasn’t let me touch her for over 7 years, she gets mad if I try to be intamate , she’s asked me to sleep elsewhere cuz she’s not comfortable with me there believe me when I say I’m sexually starving!!!! and what hurts even more is that I wake up at night to pee an I can hear all this moaning from our bedroom so I go check and there she is touching herself even using explicit words! I don’t know this person she has always been real standoffish when it came to sex, so I ask her about it later and she denies it, and says that I’m nasty for thinking that, and what hurts even more is that I’ve tried soo hard to pursue her but it seems like I get no where she just doesn’t want me but she does like touching herself every night it’s to the point that I can hear her from the other room and I’m sick of it because we haven’t had sex in over 7 years so I actually put earplugs in my ears and take sleeping pills so I can sleep I feel soo left out of her life, I don’t know what to do I have thought of leaving and find my own little spot and I have lost so much weight so that she might look at me and maybe hug me or even kiss me but nope, I’m working out I stay clean, I don’t know how to reach her she’s my wife I feel soo invisible , I respect your decision I wish my wife would get to that point, and what hurts even more is that I’ve been told that I’m handsome but not from her, I just don’t know how to reach her I feel like I missed the bus