authentic, sexual intimacy, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
The Sexiest Thing You Can Do for Your Husband
Apr
I don’t know your husband, so I can’t answer for certainty what he would say if we asked him, “What is the sexiest thing your wife can do for you?”
But if he is like many husbands, the sexiest thing you can do is desire him sexually.
Do you desire him sexually? If so, that is sexy.
Sadly, the skewed sexual messages that society holds up as “sexy” often miss the mark by a long shot.
We are easily led to believe that with just the right body, clothes, make-up, hair and moves, we would be able to really wow him sexually beneath the sheets.
But a fabricated photoshopped life is a poor counterfeit for the real thing.
The sexiest sexual encounters happen between a husband and wife who hunger to be with each other sexually.
It’s not just about being available sexually.
It is about being intimately aware of the way he longs for not just the feel of your body, but the presence of your heart and soul.
Yes, the physical touch of your fingertips, breasts, hair, and lips… these take his breath away.
But when you offer your body AND the vulnerability of your true self, well — there’s nothing sexier than that.
Do you give him access to it all? I hear from countless husbands who crave this kind of transparency sexually with the woman they married.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s not just about “showing up;” it’s about showing up with a tender and steadfast conviction that making love is immeasurably powerful.
The sexiest thing you can do for your husband is to leave no doubt in his mind that he still is the one who has caught your eye and stirred your heart.
The sexual allure and mystery of the fairytale exists, but not in the way Hollywood serves it to us. It instead finds it footings in the mess of your daily life.
The cumbersome calendars, stacks of clutter, unfolded laundry, sticky-faced toddlers, and crazy work demands — these are but a backdrop to extraordinary sex happening within the ordinary.
The sexiest thing you can do for your husband? Don’t let the life you have together sabotage the life you have together.
Don’t lose track of what it means to regularly close the bedroom door, take off each other’s clothes and pursue sexual pleasure.
The sexiest thing you can do for your husband?
Desire him sexually.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Spot on. 100% spot on.
WOW… you did it again Julie..We love your post and they are so spot on… I am a male and that is exactly how I feel.. I want my wife to want me and pursue me.
You hit the nail squarely on the head. My wife has zero desire and it REALLY hurts! My response ? I’ve given up. Never initiate. I’ve withdrawn emotionally as a defense mechanism against rejection. At this point , just live a lonely life. Concentrate on work , reading, and luckily hobbies that interest me. Sex in marriage is giant lie. Wow, it would be incredible to be desired. Don’t want to stress out my kids with divorce so I guess my lot in life is just endure. My wife claims to be a devout Christian but what a hypocrit. What’s even worse is that this has made me flippant about my own faith. Any wives who read this PLEASE just show your husband that you desire them sexually once in a while. If you don’t, don’t be surprised if they are cold , distant , unemotional, flippant, and in the end , defeated. Of course if they are tempted to stray or view porn it will be all their fault and character flaw. You girlfriends and family will agree. Only God in the end will set you straight.
Great post!! I do desire my husband sexually and try to let him know. I’ve sent several texts to him while he’s at work letting him know that he’s been desired and missed and that I’ve been desiring reconnection with him. My question is, what advice do you have for wives who do try to make their desire for their husbands known, with zero, zippo results??? I get very discouraged, sometimes even depressed when I try to express the importance of intimacy. Sadly, I’m not home every single night due to helping care for an elderly family member, but as far as I am concerned there is ALWAYS time for intimacy if only he and I would make the time. I want to make the time, but usually the evening routine before I leave for the night (thankfully we have a few hours together every evening), doesn’t usually include much physical intimacy. However, once in a very rare occasion (super rare) something will occur before we have to part ways during the night. And my nights home are normally the same nights. I get irritable when intimacy doesn’t happen when I’m home or an entire weekend I’m off from caregiving duties passes with nothing or I feel like the more I drop “hints” or spell out to him what I would like I need to happen, the farther he runs away from me and stonewalls and doesn’t want to talk about whatever is keeping us from being intimate. But I know I’m definitely not alone and unfortunately a lot of other husbands and wives are struggling with these very same issues.
This is so painfully true. I thank you for your candid talk about it being OK for a christian women to desire her husband, enjoy his touch, long for his kisses, miss his warm body. Age does not have to diminish this, kids don’t have to rob this, busy schedules font have to take priority, intimacy just needs to be a priority. Preach it Julie
“But when you offer your body AND the vulnerability of your true self, well — there’s nothing sexier than that.”
I don’t believe we can offer this kind of vulnerability with sex alone. We have to articulate our emotions, even and perhaps especially, the painful, angry emotions. AND we need confirmation that our spouse hears us when we articulate them.
Julie, I want to say a hearty “AMEN” to this post!
Sadly, many married Christian women have difficulty with sexually desiring their husband due to bad teaching, past sexual abuse and/or physical issues. Thank you for your ministry among married Christian women. Christ’s kingdom needs more people like you!!
Just adding another one to the list of those above. Sexless for past 14 months, less than 10 times in past 3 years – and those times were about as blah and dispassionate as can be. Typically it was “well, it has been a while, and I don’t have to do anything tomorrow, so I guess since I have some time tonight we could do something if you want”. that is a -literal- quote – “been a while” was 6 months. And she just laid there.
20+ years of
=being tolerated
=called a “sex maniac” for suggesting that in the first year of marriage sex once a week was not out some crazy idea
=being told we can’t tonight “because the dog is acting funny”. Direct quote.
=”I’m too tired”, and literally 5 minutes later getting called by a girlfriend and enthusiastically going out with them until midnight.
ad nauseum. And these are the GOOD examples. there are far worse ones.
Now, we barely kiss, and only when I do it. She never comes to me for a kiss. I go to kiss her good bye, hello, good night. thats its. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t happen. We are glorified roommates.
The funny thing is, at church we are held up as the “ideal couple”. What a laugh. I have to lie constantly to others. Just recently at Wed night service our assistant pastor was looking for a guy, who just got married last week. I told him I haven’t seen him that day.
the pastor then looked at me and said, “Well, he just got married – you know how newlyweds are!”
I smiled, chuckled, and said, “Oh yeah I do!”
when he left I went into the mens room went into a stall and cried on the toilet. when we got married (early 20s), we didn’t have sex for 16 months. Went to counseling and was humilated by my wife who said she didn’t want it, didn’t see the point of it except for babies – which is why we had sex at 16 months – she got pregnant after 5 times (in 5 months), and that was it for another 18 months.
the next time someone says that to me, I’m going to say:
No. No, I don’t know how newlyweds are like. I have no clue. No concept. No idea. In fact, I don’t even know what “regular weds” or ‘now weds’ are like. So, unless you want to paint a picture for me, or explicitly tell me what you mean, try some other descriptive. Because I’m sick of that one.
This goes both ways. I’d love for my husband to desire and pursue me sexually. It seems I’m always the one initiating. He’s so passive when it comes to sex, I long for him to be the dominant one. He says he’s just waiting for me to “be ready”. I guess he doesn’t understand that I would be responsive to his advances or maybe just doesn’t want to put all the work into “foreplay”. In the rare instance he does initiate, he goes straight for “the goal” and that just frustrates me and makes me feel used. I want to feel cherished and loved, not a means to an end!!
I could barely read this post for the tears in my eyes. So so so right on. Next month it will be 22 years that she slammed the door shut on our sex life and said she didn’t care if we were never intimate again. So far she has her wish, and I live a desolate life wondering more and more why I stick around…..
@John:So many things others and I could tell you. But first, you need to know what you want. Your pain and frustration has come out clearly, but not what you want from your marriage. One thing I will leave with you with:
Why are you lying? Satan is the father of of the lie. Why are you doing his work for him? Your wife probably does not know how you feel, doesn’t know the cost of your frustration. In her mind, “He always complains about sex, but when others ask, he says All’s Perfect. He’s just a pervert.” So, next time someone asks, tell them the truth, but tactfully.
“Well, we need to sort out some critical intimacy problems right now, but I love my wife, so I have hope we will be able to deal with them.”
No name calling, no sniping, no sarcasm, no whining, no threats. No lies.
So, Jeff. Aside from sex, how IS your marriage? What are you looking for? An automatic sperm receptacle so you can gratify yourself without getting your hands dirty? Or a stalwart companion who knows and satisfies your needs and will stand next to you through all of life’s trials?
FREE TIP: If the answer is number two, and your’re masturbating, STOP DOING IT. It gives you *much* more incentive to fix your marriage when you start walking down the right path.
@Frustrated Wife: Has this always been the case, or did things change over time? Have you denied him in the past? Are you sure he is not initiating and you just don’t see the signs? Sometimes we just have no clue on how the opposite sex thinks. Here is one scenario (and YES, it DOES happen). In your husband’s eyes you could be a prize so desirable that he doesn’t dare give offense, He can’t understand how such an incredible, fantastic, mind-blowing woman could EVER want him, and he’s just glad you suffered temporary insanity when you agreed to marry him. He doesn’t dare to offend you with something as rudimentary as sex. His eyes are constantly on you, adoring you, but he can’t take the risk of reaching out and offending you and having you leave. Do his hands tremble when he touches you? Does he have to take a deep breath every time you roll around in the bed to face him?
Do not make the mistake of confusing desire with initiative. He goes “straight for the goal” because he IS filled with desire and just can’t take the time and and risk you getting bored or offended.
Ah, you darling of a wife. This is YOUR man that God has given into YOUR hands. Teach him. Show him. Tell him. And make SURE he feels secure in your love, that your thoughts are about him and him alone. One good way is to pray together, holding hands. Make sure he hears you thanking God for giving a husband you love and desire so much. Now, this could take some time, since men can be very hard-headed.
In the meantime, pay attention, girl. His “signal” could be something as gentle as letting the back of his hand brush up against your buttocks.
Brush back against it and maybe give an “Hmmm” to let him know he’s welcome to start the activities, then let your love take over. And don’t forget: Teach him. Dig around this Blog, you’ll find many, many tips.
Good luck!
@HopefullyHelpful – maybe you should change your name, because you aren’t.
Oh, she knows how I feel. We’ve been to counseling 4 times, either professionals, or our pastors. And not sex-only, but whole marriage counseling, lasting for months (usually the sex part is a tiny part of it). First time, she just got up and walked out when we got to the intimacy part. Second time, she berated a pastor that “its none of his business” (the entire rest of our marriage apparently is) and walked out. Third time, said right to the face of our pastor and his wife: “Of course you will say its important, you’re a man, and your wife, well, she’s not me”. final time she said right at the start she won’t talk about that. Went thru the rest of it anyways. If the counselor at the time was our pastor, she insisted we leave that church that week (which we did) for another.
Why did I lie? Well, to save both me and her embarrasment (yes, I do not want to embarrass her). Also, she has repeatedly told me that she doesn’t want others to even have an inkling anything is wrong, and if I did, I would “pay” for it. Not sure what that would mean, as we don’t have sex anyways, but I figured things could be worse. Outward appearences are #1 for her – she is a women’s leader in our church, and won’t even think of having others knowing about this.
“No name calling, no sniping, no sarcasm, no whining, no threats. No lies.” Well, I’ve never called her a name (tho she doesn’t hesitate to call me a sex-craved maniac for suggesting once a month), or threatened divorce or violence -(tho I’ve been promised to “pay” if I reveal this issue again). I’ve never lied to her (I was lied to during dating, premarital counseling, and at the altar), and quite frankly I’m terrible at being sarcastic.
I’ve always told her how much this is hurting me, our marriage, our kids even. Our own talks/arguments, counseling, letters, etc. The depression, sadness, etc. I will admit I’ve whined at times – I suppose at some point that can’t be helped.
So, she knows. She definitely knows. But evidenced by her lack caring, of action, of willingness to change or learn, and of absolutely no apologies for her behavior – she just doesn’t care.
As for my side of the marriage – I’ve tried. I make sure that I do plenty of housework. I do my share with the kids (I’m mr bedtime, bathtime, homework – basically everything after I come home from work and on the weekends). I cook and clean – not everything, but I do all the bathrooms, kitchen, basement, garages. All the outside work (pool included) is me. I tell her whenever she needs to go out, go. She recently started working again – I reworked my entire works schedule to cover with the kids getting off to school and after school activities. I take her out on date nights. I used to do multiple weekly massages, no strings attached. Etc etc etc. My mother-in-law (her mother) complements me constantly, and to other people. I can’t think of a better endorsement.
“a stalwart companion who knows and satisfies your needs and will stand next to you through all of life’s trials?” Yes I’m looking for that. I’ve pretty much asked her that straight on. Her reply: “I want to do all of that, too – except for the intimacy and sex. Thats just who I am – you’ll have to live with it.”
@John: Well, at lest now we can get a much better picture. I do know the type, and my impression is she is not really Christian, or she would be at least trying to deal with your unhappiness and not scoffing at pastors.
My first wife, after her maybe 80th affair (partners, not just events), pregnant by her lover with whom she had actually rented a wedding hall in preparation for her future (this one she had been steady with–but not exclusive, mind you–for about 4 years I found out–even her family knew!), had all come crashing down when he found out she was actually married w/children. And, one more time (I can already hear the disbelief), I decided to forgive her, mostly “for sake of the children.”
So, sitting down in the kitchen (well, she was; I was on my knees scrubbing the floor), I sort of teased her.
“You know,” I said. “You could at least say your sorry.”
She laughs. “So I slept with another guy,” she sneers. “It’s how I am. What are you going to do about it.”
I divorced her.
For the sake of my soul and my children.
Now, why might this be relevant? Because I always knew when she was straying, even if I didn’t want to face up to it. Never had time or drive for me, lost interest in intimacy, but I guess you try not to give up hope and bury your head in the sand. Months at a time without (me, that is. She was getting serviced elsewhere), then she’d cozy up again, repeat.
Point is (and you ladies out there, add your two cents, and bring a female perspective here), while I am sure there are a few exceptions, women need intimacy *much, much* more than men. And my experience is, if she’s not getting it from you, she’s getting it somewhere else, be it a pen-pal, internet pal, guy-down-the-street, whom/what ever.
Unfortunately, as Christian males, there is not much we can really do–not even get bitterly angry with your spouse. Unless you *know* she’s having an affair, all you can do is be loving, tolerant, etc. You must walk the high road, which as you know is very narrow. But do keep at least your pastor involved, if only to have a witness in case the worst happens. At a minimum, it will be a live person listening to you, and who knows, he might actually be able to help. Lay it all down. Like your second post, not your first.
Your strength is admirable. Keep praying and know we will be praying for you, too.
@HopefullyHelpful: You mentioned, “you ladies out there, add your two cents”. When my husband was involved in a long distance affair and I had no clue and missed some major red flags, intimacy between us stopped for close to 8 months. A friend told me, “If he’s not getting it at home” was a red flag for me. Well, guess what, I was very, very naive. He said it was his health, excuse after excuse after excuse. I didn’t know then that someone had already come into our sacred marital circle until much, much later when everything finally added up to me in hindsight and I still think they were having an active long distance relationship but when I initially finally asked the question I had been dreading, “Did you sleep with HER?”, I thought it had ended. Anyways, I wanted to back up the point you made. It took me so long to discover or confront his affair because my mind kept telling me, “You married a Christian, he isn’t capable of doing such a thing.” So I chalked his change in behavior to something else, a mid life crisis perhaps (which by the way I do think was part of his affair that started shortly before he turned 40).
I was in denial. I knew something was wrong if we weren’t being intimate, but I bought his lies of excuses that he just wasn’t in the mood or he was having male health problems. We became roommates and I was terribly depressed due to the lack of affection and intimacy in our marriage. Somehow God got us through the marital storm we went through a little over 5 years ago and I vowed deep in my heart that we would have a more mutually satisfying marriage and that intimacy would be better for BOTH of us as up to this point, it was pretty much one sided. He refused to do some simple, basic things I had desired him to do for reasons unknown to me and his refusal was and has been a major struggle for me due to lack of intimacy being a pleasurable or mutually satisfying experience. I do feel that your point about women needing intimacy is spot on. Men want sex, women want intimacy. And even to this very day, all this time later, because we went such long periods without physical intimacy, if we go a week or more without any physically bonding together, I get a bit agitated or irritable and I don’t typically experience a release myself like he does, it’s extremely rare I would liken unto an endangered species. But I enjoy being intimate with my husband whether I experience rare fireworks or not just from the pure joy of the physical bonding itself. I crave the closeness with my spouse. So when we go 7, 10, 14 or more days with no bonding and when the intimacy is very inconsistent and less than I would personally prefer, it makes me, as a wife who loves her husband, feel stressed and insecure when those feelings of not being wanted or desired start creeping in.
@JustWant2BOne: God bless your efforts, you wonderful wife.
It really is hard to explain our feelings after infidelity, isn’t it? What I detested the most was that roller-coaster cycle of emotions that end up with that absurd craving for the cheating spouse. Though I wonder if it only happens to those of us trying at all costs to keep a violated marriage alive. I pray that all will go well with you and yours.
TIP: I hope you got some counseling to get at the root cause of his infidelity. If you cannot pull that weed out root and all, it will come back.
@John. It really tears my heard to read you story. I wish I could give you some good advice to really change your situation, but as you probably read multiple times around, you cannot change your spouse, only she can decide to do so.
However I want to remind you something, that might not seem like a lot, but actually it is: God sees you and he sees your pain. As his eye is on the sparrow, his eye is so much more on you and the pain you are in. No one understands it better, since He created you with the desire you have to be intimate with your wife. He also sees the love you show your wife, even under these difficult circumstances. I don’t see in your mail you writing that you love your wife, but from your actions you describe, I get the impression that you do, since love is not about how we feel but what we do. You show an amazing strength and an amazing grace by loving your wife under those circumstances. I am not saying you are perfect, you surely also makes mistakes and sins along the way – as every other man.
We can be hurt so bad, that we don’t think that even in heaven we will be able to fully recover, and Satan wants us to believe that he can destroy things beyond repair. This is NOT true. Eventually you will be healed, and all your needs including the very strong need for intimacy will be fullfilled. That is the promise we have. I know it does not take away the pain you suffer now.
The truth: You are not a maniac for wanting regular sexual intimacy with your wife. She might say so as an excuse or she might actually believe it in her heart, but that does not make it true. You wife choose for now to not or rarely join you in sexual intimacy, and it may or may not continue that way. BUT you should never let Satan get to you with the lie, that this need in you makes your a pervert.
Whether or not you should lie to others to “protect” her, I think this is hard. You definately don’t owe it to her to lie to cover up for her wrong behavior, but how it will blow up if you come clear can be hard to predict. The fact that she wants your lack of intimacy to be kept as a secret, however reveals that she knows or suspects that her view on sex is not shared by most others.
Pray! Pray for your wife and for yourself. God WILL hear your prayers, and even if he does not answer with the miracle you hope for, your prayers are nevertheless heard and God will bless you and your wife. You and your wife are in my prayers.
@JustWant2BOne said “Men want sex, women want intimacy.”
Can I nitpick a little and suggest that both men and women want intimacy. It’s just that we obtain feelings of intimacy in different ways, and it all has to do with that wonderful cuddle and bonding hormone, oxytocin. Bonny at the Oyster Bed has an excellent post on how this hormone works. You ladies have about 10 times more oxytocin in your body than we men, and there is a wide range of activities that cause it to flow; a gift of flowers, a thoughtful card, a heartfelt conversation are all things that will make you feel close and bonded with a husband even without sex. My wife wants intimacy with me, but has little interest in sex. That makes no sense to me. And, yet, it makes no sense to her that all these other relational activities have little effect on my oxytocin levels. However, the one thing that consistently causes oxytocin to flow in men is sex. So, yes we want sex, but not just for the physical pleasure of sex. We, too, crave feelings of intimacy; it’s just that the thing that creates those feelings of intimacy in us is sex. And, it’s not just our own orgasm that is important. I get far more emotional satisfaction out of my wife’s orgasm than I do my own, which is why this post of Julie’s is, in my opinion, the most important thing I think she’s ever written. That all said, I have read your painful posts about your husband’s lack of desire, and I am so sorry you have to endure that. I will pray for you.
Same story, bro.
I could at least count on her having some desire once a month around ovulation time (tubal ligation since last child several years ago) but now that menopause is in full roar, I’m thinking I’d better get used to celibacy for the rest of my natural life. And it’s pretty fruitless to raise the issue any more–she totally doesn’t see a thing wrong, except that *I* have a problem with irritability about it…
Just really sad and want to stop trying. Wish I could stop wanting.
Julie, good luck getting this message through to women before it’s too late. Wish the church would spend a WHOLE lot more time on this issue and a lot less fretting about who’s baking wedding cakes for whom.
Here are some links to credible sources (since most spouses feel their significant other is biased.) Do NOT use these to rag, nag or bash your spouse. YOU read them first, understand them, do more research, then maybe print them out and share in a non-threatening, non-demanding, loving manner with your spouse. If they don’t want to listen/read, do not force the issue.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant.
http://healthland.time.com/2013/11/27/how-oxytocin-makes-men-almost-monogamous/
http://healthland.time.com/2012/11/14/stand-by-your-man-physical-proximity-may-help-oxytocin-to-keep-men-in-relationships-faithful/
http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-oxytocin-men-eat-less-20150305-story.html
Psh.. I wish this were true in my case. I desire my husband constantly, every single day.. It’s more like a turn off to him and I feel confined sexually because I don’t feel “allowed” to act on my desires. He just shuts me out.
Been married for 5 years. my wife whom I adore and love with everything that I am has become completely withdrawn. We dont kiss there is no intimacy and I am hurt beyond words. I dont know what to do any more. Any advance I make there is Always a excuse. Im tired, I dont feel good,I have a headache, my tooth hurts, ect, ect.. intimacy is lost and I dont know what to do …
In my eyes there is nothing more hurtful then to be rejected by the one that is supposed to be your lover/best friend. I tried so many things over the years….attended many lady retreats, attended marriage retreats together as well as counseling with our pastor. But no matter what I physically did and no matter mentioned, nothing seemed to help him realize my desires long term. We were very active in our church and community so everyone thought we were just another perfect couple. So as the intimacy faded my life became what my kids were involved in. A long story short, we grew further and further apart and after 22 years the marriage fell totally apart.
I am happily remarried to a man that tells me daily how much he loves and desires me……and I do the same in return. But knowing how God feels about divorce and hearing regular reminders of it, it is hard to not have regrets for going through with the divorce.
I pray churches would not avoid discussions on the subject and would focus on marriages more. Provide evening classes led by Godly couples that can be open with the attendees on how to stay focused on the other ones needs. I have a library of books on it all but until both parties in the marriage make it a priority, it’s not going to work.
My husband says that for years I said no to him and brushed him off although I actually thought things were ok. He is no longer affectionate or intimate with me. I have begged him for forgiveness and reconciliation. I can truthfully say. It was not maliciously done. Admittedly, I was selfish and often woke up with my own agenda for the day and did not give him the attention he deserved. I have thought of times I offended him and have asked him to give me another chance. If I knew 30 years ago what I know now, I would do things differently, but I wish he would remember better times. I can’t rewrite history but I pray for our marriage to be restored and made new…to bring dry bones to life. I love him and am in love with him. Oh, for one chance
No matter what you say, how loud you scream, how wildly you gesture or how long you keep it up, a deaf person will not even know you are there unless they can see you. But before you are tempted to just reach out and touch them to get their attention, you might consider learning sign language first.
The true lesson to be learned from this, however, is this: If you are wearing headphones, you might want to turn around every now and then to see if someone is trying to say something to you. And even if you see no one, that doesn’t mean somebody wasn’t there before.
Regardless of what we may think, we should strive to see things from our spouse’s point of view. Life is, for us, the headphones, and we don’t always realize when it begins to drown out our spouse. When we consider how our spouse views things we are looking back to see if anyone is there, so we must strive to keep that viewpoint always in mind if we don’t want to miss our spouse’s attempts to communicate.
Intimacy issues do not typically rise up instantly. Good chance our spouse has been shouting at us, but the headphones were too loud and we weren’t looking behind us. Question is, are you looking now?
Go through this blog and take in the differences of what men and women think and how they interpret things. Then pray for insight and coldly examine your relationship from your spouse’s point of view, and you might begin to see where you need to improve yourself.
Then approach your partner with something like, “I think I have been negligent in ___. You are the most important person in my life; I want a happy, intimate relationship with you. If I have been negligent in other ways, please tell me so I can work on them and make you happy.” Suck it up, listen, then deliver. Consistently. Keep praying, Things should at least change. But this might take some time. Do not expect a “quick-fix”
@anotherchance: The traffic signals where me and my bride live do not have vehicle sensors. They just change on a timer. So one day, as I am driving her to work along an empty road, the light turns red, and of course, I stop. My bride notices me getting impatient and chomping at the bit while waiting for the signal to change, The light turns green and we go. Suddenly a car races by me on the wrong side, cuts in front of me and *slows down*. He slows down enough so that we miss the next green signal, and I sigh with frustration.
“You always do that. I don’t see why this gets to you,” my bride snaps. “So you lose five minutes a day.”
“Exactly,” I tel her. “Five minutes a day, six days a week is 30 minutes a week. 30 minutes a week is 26 hours a year. I’ve been driving 30 years. That means bad drivers and incompetent signal planners have stolen at least 33 days of my life so far. When I lay on my deathbed don’t you think it would be great if I could get those 33 days back to spend with those I love?”
You are admitting some fault here, so face up to it. You cannot “make it up” to him, cannot make up for all that time he spent in misery. Worst-case-scenario is if he now has medical reasons, like ED, and cannot get physical then, well, you can imagine how he feels.
Say you know you cannot make it up. Thank him for his patience, and promise to show him things will be better than he ever expected and that he will not regret the years of patience he invested in your marriage. Then comes the hard part: Deliver. Draw on Jehovah’s strength, pray, don’t give up. And tell him you want to get some counseling and you would appreciate if he came with you.
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Sex is never just about sex. So true. And I know of one husband who shouted to the heavens when he heard how there’s nothing sexier than “when you offer your body AND the vulnerability of your true self…” That vulnerability is so missing, he told me when I quoted this to him. “In over 40 years that’s never happened,” he said, “or if it did I missed it. Maybe once or twice. No, I guess not. My wife has always kept her guard up.”
What does “AND the vulnerability of your true self” mean from a husband’s perspective? In a former comment, I mentioned the need for verbal communication in addition to sex, meaning sex won’t be what it should be if there are unresolved issues. By issues, I mean major issues, not minor annoyances.
Safety is a major factor for me, and I’m beginning to wonder if the vulnerability precedes the safety. If I wait to feel safe before daring to be vulnerable, I may wait forever?
Does vulnerability mean trusting my husband to adore and cherish ALL of me?
@Reba: The vulnerability is the submission without guarantee of safety.
It is not something in general, but specific to each couple. For me in particular, it would be if my bride let me bring her to orgasm. For others it might be doing it with the lights on.
And sometimes, the best verbal communication can be silence. Just surrender to each other for a session and communicate later. That is vulnerability.
Vulnerability is defined as “the state of being open to injury” and as “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.” We give another person great power when we expose ourselves this way. Scary stuff!
If vulnerability means susceptible to harm as in unsafe, and a husband loves his wife, why would he want that for her? Why would he be turned on by putting her at risk?
@ John,
The way you have described your wife’s responses to your desire for a closer relationship causes me ask if you believe she is trusting Christ? She has repeatedly rejected wisdom that is hopefully scripturally based, which should convict her if she really has the holy spirit indwelling in her. I say that she is sinning because she is unwilling to submit to authority (and ultimately God), says only parts of the Bible are for her to listen to and apply (by telling the pastor his wife is not her, in her circumstances) and for her to tell you to keep her sin in the dark.
In John 3:19-21 it talks about those who hate the light and avoid it because they don’t want their sinfulness to be exposed. But that those who live by the truth want to come to the light so that their deeds can be shown as evidence of things accomplished by God. We should be actively killing our sin, not staying in the darkness and allowing sin to stay in our lives. Iron sharpening iron is a big part of marriage IN CHRIST.
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Darkness,–As-A-Symbol-Of-Sin
You should be admonishing each other, encouraging each other, and God’s word is profitable for reproof, correction, and training in righteousness.
Do not keep this in the dark. You should respectfully seek another brother that is stronger than you to share your burdens, to disciple and keep accountability for your own sins so that you may walk in holiness out of love for our Savior. Just because your wife wants to keep her sin in the dark doesn’t mean you should give in to keep peace. This is not what Paul says when we are to submit to one another. Nowhere in the Bible does it say God requires a church face. He wants open transparent hearts that conform to HIS word.
Here are some points to reflect on and examine if she is really trusting Christ or is just playing the part.
http://www.gty.org/resources/positions/P03/examine-yourself
I also want to ask you what evidence do you see in yourself that you are trusting that Jesus is all sufficient and has the power to save you from your sins? Dont let Her hypocrisy weaken your faith, but let it cause you to turn to God to strengthen your faith.
http://loveandrespect.com/blog/what-if-my-spouse-doesnt-respond-to-my-efforts/
We will always face suffering. Being rejected repeatedly, seen as a pervert, to not have the close intimacy we desperately want, to see our spouse’s desire for other things take priority are heart rippingly painful. It should cause us to see our need for true fulfillment in God’s Word and to cry out to him in our pain and suffering. He hears your cry. He knows your heart and your wife’s. He Promises that if you delight yourself in Him, he WILL give you the desires of your heart. He also wants you to be fervent in your prayer. He wants us to seek him out, not just once or a handful of times and then say he won’t answer your prayers. He wants us all to show a persistent need for him and his grace in our lives. It also demonstrates to God how important it really is to you to have closeness with your wife if you do not pray often. I would encourage you ( if you do not already) to pray for God to bless your wife, to convict her of her sin, for her heart(and yours) to soften to His word, that she would have a hunger for His word, that she would desire to know him more and more. It is difficult to hold bitterness against someone you pray for. Do you read the Bible together (and by yourself)? Hebrews 12 is such a good reminder,too. Please take the time tonight to read the whole chapter and meditate on it. Our suffering, your suffering, John, is not in vain. Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as his son. It’s not enjoyable in the moment, but it refines you. Yielding the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been TRAINED by it. So strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees and make straight your paths so that what is lame may not become dislocated but healed instead. Take heart, John! Do not be discouraged. You are not alone. The body of Christ is with you.
I actually laughed at the simplicity of this. It REALLY is this simple!
The list of things men have to do to in order to get wives in the mood is endless and full of trap doors. It’s always a guessing game trying to read her emotions to know what direction to go in. Because of this, the odds are rarely in our favor. Women actually have to work at being in the mood and sadly, some women think that is all the work that is needed.
And if a woman can’t find it within herself to want to have and enjoy sexual pleasure with her husband, well, don’t be surprised if your man decides your lack of desire isn’t worth the amount of effort you require.
@Reba… when I write and speak of vulnerability, what I am referring to is that in a marriage, a husband and wife should be able to be truly real with each other and let each other see their true self. I’m not talking about anyone exposing themselves to harm from a person who has a track record of being careless and hurtful in the relationship.
Obviously, trust in a relationship is built over time and in many different ways, but ultimately, vulnerability where two people feel safe with each other and can be real with each other is such a profound kind of vulnerability.
@Reba. You yourself are saying it.” Why would he be turned on by putting her at risk?”
He knows he is not a “risk” But the impression he gets is that that’s what YOU think he IS. How would you feel if he always did things that make you feel untrustworthy?
@Julie:
Yes! ” . . vulnerability where two people feel safe with each other and can be real with each other is such a profound kind of vulnerability.”
This needs to be understood by married persons. This is the vulnerability, the opening up of themselves, that spouses ought to work for and embrace. It takes time but is worth it. And, it can lead to great sex and sexual fulfillment within one’s marriage.
@David. It is simple. But since we’re fallen, nothing works as it should. Therefore Julie’s ministry, my ministry, and so many other’s. Julie’s ministry targets women who deny and want to change. But there’s a wealth of information here for all sides to bring about positive change. I am trying to reach those being denied and help them change themselves to change their situation. But being ministries, they require God’s help, humble Christians and a lot of prayer.
Thanks, Julie. I hear you saying we can be real if/when we feel safe doing so. Yet feeling safe indicates some kind of danger or risk. Perhaps it is the feeling safe part that our spouse finds so gratifying?
If a wife is truly herself / truly real (still don’t know what that means in the bedroom) is it her trust that her husband finds sexy? It is her ability to let go of control and surrender to orgasm? Is it her ability to ask and show him what she needs as far as physical touch?
Perhaps some readers can give examples of being vulnerable and truly real. I understand (sort of) why that is meaningful but not why it is a sexy thing we do for our husbands.
Excellent article Julie. I have been in a celibate marriage for 5 years, but it still breaks my heart to read about willing women who are rejected by husbands. Refusing wives are very sad but refusing husbands are something I will never understand
@Hopefully Helpful Julie said “trust in a relationship is built over time and in many different ways” The same is true for lack of trust. Our words and actions with our spouse can build up or tear down. When this is ignored and unresolved, sex can feel like walking to the end of the high dive board and seeing there is no water in the pool!
You asked “How would you feel if he always did things that make you feel untrustworthy?” If my husband acted as though I am untrustworthy, I would ask why and work to change that in our relationship.
@Reba: Not what you would do.
How would you *feel*.
I’m not trying to be pesky. But this is one of those situations where non-verbal communication is taking place. We try to put it into words here and talk about it intellectually, but this is something at the sub-conscious level taking place. This is why I asked you about feelings, which is most women’s primary channel of communication.
Please look at this objectively. This is not something huge or sudden, but subtle that takes place over time. You would not even notice it at first and might even mistake things like him asking one or two more questions a week as if he is showing more interest in you, instead of because he might be feeling like you’re having an affair. I’m sure you have been around this and other blogs enough to realize he might be communicating in ways you do not understand. We miss clues, thinking “I know how to communicate,” and never even notice what our own body language might be saying–or that our spouse might *not* really know how to communicate.
By the time we realize something is amiss, well, you see all these posts. You try to communicate and say, “Sweetheart I’m getting a feeling like you don’t trust me.” He thinks “I knew it! She’s getting defensive.” Once the mindset has been fixed, he stops listening.
Men are very attuned to your feelings of security. But we do not instinctively distinguish between emotional, financial, physical, etc. security. Women tend to separate these, we do not, so all we know is “she doesn’t trust me to keep her safe.” Dear lady, that hurts us to the core of our manhood.
Of course, we are somewhat used to this so it is not usually a big thing by itself, but when other little things get added to the soup. . .
What makes this more frustrating is that the answer for each couple is different: the wife might be looking for the husband to give her that “I’m home” kiss every night to feel secure, and the husband might be looking if the wife will take off her panties in his presence as a sign that she trusts him.
But that is one key difference between the sexes: Trust is a critical facilitator in women. For men, it’s gravy–*we* know (at least in our own minds) we’re trustworthy.
And though I don’t want to sound like I’m preaching (too much, that is), this is why God needs to be in our lives first and foremost. A good spiritual routine as a couple draws you closer to God and by default to each other, the old three-fold cord analogy. With both of you trusting in Jehovah, you know you can trust each other, and that He will keep you safe.
@ Hopefully Helpful You said “The vulnerability is the submission without guarantee of safety.” It seems safety and vulnerability are not sequential, but mutually exclusive. There must be risk if there is to be vulnerability.
Therefore, my earlier conclusion stands: if a husband desires his wife to be vulnerable, he desires to put her at risk, to be open to injury. I don’t mean to say he desires to cause her pain, but he desires to be trusted with the power to do so.
Furthermore, if a wife is truly safe with her husband, then she is no longer vulnerable. Safety means freedom from harm–the opposite of vulnerability. Once again, these two states are mutually exclusive: one cannot be safe and vulnerable at the same time.
However, one COULD argue that the only way to safety is complete vulnerability, for only then do we have nothing left to lose.
All logic aside, I still don’t understand why vulnerability is sexy. Unless there is some connection between the risk involved and a man’s need for risk and adventure.
Vulnerable is perhaps the wrong word. I am completely open without walls with my husband in and outside of the bedroom. It’s a good place to be. I have complete trust that he has my best interest at heart. I can say almost anything to him and he is a safe person to share things with.
Vulnerable to me equals being allowed to be open, and having trust, and feeling safe. The only person that trumps my husband is the Lord Himself.
I am convinced that our marriage thrives because we connect almost daily, even after more than a quarter century together. Emotional intimacy keeps getting better and likewise the physical intimacy keeps getting better. My advice to newly married folks (before the damage takes place) is to be freely open with each other (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally). I say it irl too.
@E2 “I get far more emotional satisfaction out of my wife’s orgasm than I do my own”
Why? Does your wife’s orgasm mean she is offering her heart and soul, offering the vulnerability of her true self, and showing up with a tender and steadfast conviction that making love is immeasurably powerful?
@Reba:
It is because we can see in way that is meaningful to *us* that we have done something wonderful for our spouse. We *know* a woman’s orgasm is not the almost guarantee of a man’s; that for her, that orgasm communicates more than just sexual pleasure: it conveys security, comfort, feeling loved, and all those other things you hear women say they need to achieve an orgasm.
Notice E2 did not say “pride”. There are some that do, usually players. Emotional satisfaction, an “attaboy” from the one person we want to hear it from the most. We’re doing *something* right for the number one person in our life.
In my particular case, what you said also applies as an adder.
Reba
I’m not exactly sure why my wife’s orgasm is more satisfying than my own, but I have some thoughts. First, as a man, I gain self-worth from what I can accomplish, and I measure my success or failure as a lover from my wife’s response. We men are taught over and over that a woman’s love is responsive, so when she responds orgasmically, I know I have done something right. Also, there is something about being wanted. I think both men and women want to feel wanted, and her orgasm screams that she wants me and, at least at that moment, enjoys me. It also give me hope that, if she really enjoys herself, she’ll want it more often.
You had earlier asked for examples of vulnerability that men appreciate. Some that I like would include (1) my wife’s willingness to talk about sex (2) her willingness to just be naked; sleep naked, even when we’re not having sex (3) her willingness to truly let go and enjoy sex, without holding herself back (4) her willingness to tell me what feels good and (5) her willingness to be open to trying new things.
Reba,
As I think more about it, at the moment of my wife’s orgasm, she is completely and utterly surrendered to me and my love. Not only is she naked physically, but also spiritually and emotionally, allowing me to see something she lets *no one* else see. It’s the ultimate in her letting go in my presence. Also, to put it simply, “tis more blessed to give than to receive.” I would much rather give her a gift than receive one from her. I live for her delight in receiving my love. Also, her arousal and pleasure are much more elusive than my own. My desire and pleasure are “given”; hers not so much so. So, when she finds herself aroused and enjoying herself, it means so much more to me.
@Reba says, “Safety means freedom from harm–the opposite of vulnerability.”
*Feeling* safe and *being* safe are two different things. Being vulnerable means being willing to take the the risk of not *being* safe, regardless of how one feels. I am more willing to take that risk if I *feel* safe in so doing. But my *feeling* safe doesn’t minimize the risk or my vulnerability. Therefore, as a man, I feel trusted and loved when my wife is willing to take the risk of not *being* safe. To help her take that risk, I will do all I can to make her *feel* safe.
Women will desire men in this way and give of themselves in order to trick them into marriage, and once the vows have been made then why offer up their bodies (except for when they want to have children)?
Marriage is a celibacy trap for men. You think you are doing the right thing and that you will be rewarded with sex within your marriage, but in fact you have just sailed your boat into a sexless desert which has no end.
Julie’s article is nice in that it provides one more thing for us to phantasize about.