marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
How Long Can a Marriage Go Without Sex?
Mar
Well.
Some marriages go decades without sex, so the question of “can” doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter.
A better question is, “What happens when a marriage goes a long time without sex… for no justifiable reason?”
I always have to add that disclaimer in there, because there are some marriages plagued by chronic illnesses and injuries that make any kind of sexual intimacy impossible.
But most marriages? Yeah, in most marriages, sex IS an option. My guess is if you are reading this right now, sex IS an option in your marriage — yet it never or rarely occurs.
What does happen when a marriage goes a long time — maybe even years or decades — without sex?
Here are 10 things I think can happen (in no particular order).
Ongoing lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage…
1. Stirs resentment.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about soul mingling, which is a vital aspect of marriage that is found in no other human relationship. When I wrote the post “I like him better after we have sex,” I meant it.
Consistent and mutually-enjoyable sexual intimacy in a marriage equips us to extend grace, to be kinder toward one another, to do life together.
So it’s no wonder, that when you take sex out, resentment is eager to arrive on the scene.
2. Fosters distance.
I think we intuitively recognize when there is distance between us and our spouse. Distance is different than resentment, but still equally damaging.
Sex is a vivid reminder in a marriage that we are “in this together.” It’s not surprising that when couples report going long stretches without making love, they feel “distant” from one another.
And that distance begins to chip away at all the things that give marriage richness and strength — vulnerability, friendship, shared joys, common ground.
3. Reduces your marriage to roommate status.
Sure, the two of you pay the bills and run the house. You share the chores. You raise the kids. You mow the lawn. You decorate the Christmas tree. And you run the carpool.
BUT… without physical and emotional intimacy… all of that roommatish stuff barely qualifies as a high and holy definition of marriage.
I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar every time I heard someone express to me that their marriage exists, but it never thrives — in large part because of the lack of sex.
Roommate status in a marriage sucks. It just does.
4. Dishonors God.
God designed marriage and sex — and He designed them to go together.
He implores husbands and wives to make love often. He places a fundamental command on sex being exclusive to marriage. He created women and men both to be able to experience orgasm.
Sex is God’s deal — His arena — in a very big way.
So, suffice to say, when we marry, we are saying “yes” to sex being part of that covenant. We are saying “yes” to God. Take sex out of the covenant? How can we think that doesn’t dishonor Him?
5. Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity.
If we tried to count the number of Christian men and women who want to step out on their sexually unavailable spouse, we would be counting for awhile.
And that’s just counting the ones who want to, but don’t.
Let’s not even start counting the ones who actually do give into that temptation.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “affair proof” your marriage, because a spouse could go above and beyond their responsibility in the marriage, including being sexually available — and their spouse could still choose to cheat.
But I do think there are ways we can guard our marriages. Making love is one of those ways. When sex is non-existent, the spouse who hungers for it may be more tempted to loosen the reins on their marriage vows.
To not see some cause and effect in that whole scenario is careless.
Yes, adultery is a sin and there is no way to rationalize it.
But listen to the raw feelings of refused spouses, and it’s not too hard to see how they convince themselves that sexual indiscretion doesn’t matter at this point.
6. Sets a horrible example for kids.
Don’t kid yourself on this one (no pun intended). Your kids are learning about marriage from watching you. You may say, “Well, they don’t know anything about our sexual intimacy.”
You’re right that they aren’t privy to the details of what happens behind your closed bedroom door, but I guarantee you this. If nothing is happening behind that bedroom door, the collateral damage from that spills out into the rest of your life — you know, the life where your kids are present and paying attention.
See points 1, 2 and 3 for further insight.
7. Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom.
Satan is all about division, and he doesn’t really care how he goes about doing it. He is crafty and clever and will work with what we hand him.
When you willingly decide to take sex out of the marriage, the enemy is delighted. Why? Because he knows that anything designed by God — in this case, sex — is powerful. And holy. And worthy.
When a married couple stops having sex, Satan has gained a huge foothold. Division is so much easier when unity is no longer mutually valued.
8. Increases reliance upon masturbation as the only form of sexual fulfillment.
I don’t think masturbation in marriage is always a bad thing, and I’ve blogged about that here and here.
BUT… if it is happening often and only because someone’s spouse has arbitrarily removed sex from the marriage, then the negative impact starts to add up quickly.
When a husband and wife could be having sex, but aren’t — and one or both of them resort to masturbation — are we really that surprised?
If anything, it just confirms the power of sexual desire.
Even more heartbreaking is when the refusing spouse gives “permission” or “encouragement” to their spouse to “just take care of things themselves.”
How can we possibly think that’s God vision (or even your vision) for sex in a marriage?
9. Makes pornography look more enticing.
No, I am not justifying any sin, including the sin of pornography.
But we are a naive people if we believe for one moment that pornography doesn’t look more alluring to some people who are consistently sexually rejected within their marriage.
I know that pornography addiction is complex. I also know that I hear from many people who struggle greatly with pornography and are trying to stop looking at it. To feel as if there is no other option but pornography only compounds the problem.
Many couples, usually through the assistance of counselors and ministries, have overcome the betrayal of pornography. Without a doubt, a husband and wife eventually resuming healthy and active sexual intimacy is a part of that healing.
Again. A lot of this goes back to, “What are we doing to guard our marriage and our hearts?”
10. Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ.
If you are gung ho about serving in countless ways at your church — yet you know you are blatantly refusing your spouse sexually — then your Christian witness is hampered. I have no doubt about that.
There’s nothing wrong with using your talents and heart to serve the Lord outside your home, but if you are doing it at the expense of priorities in your home and in your marriage, then I encourage you to step back.
Take a good hard look. Be humble. And admit that this may be a blind spot for you.
The Lord is willing to meet you in that place of struggle — and in all the others I’ve listed to this point.
How long can a marriage go without sex?
Well. Like I already said… I don’t think that question really gets at the heart of the matter.
Do you?
For more reading on this, check out one of my favorite posts: Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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@Jane… Thank you for having the courage to share. I am so sorry for what you are going through and the struggles in your marriage. I think it is no surprise why you feel frustrated and discouraged. You mention that you both are unhappy with the situation. Would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? If not, I encourage you to find support where you can pray, talk with and confide in a counselor or a few other safe mature Christian women. You need support as you navigate. I know this may sound odd to say, but I am glad the porn makes you cringe — I think that unsettling feeling in you is because God is showing you that porn is not authentic intimacy and isn’t worth watching. I’m not trying to minimize what you’re going through at all. I pray you are able to find a few women confidantes who can at least be there to listen.
This is hands down THE BEST post I have read on this topic; thank you for the balanced view on porn and masturbation; so many blogs are so quick to demonizes spouse who feels they are the only alternative to the constant rejection encountered in a sexless marriage.
I realize that masturbation in and of itself is not necessarily wrong, i.e. if spouses are separated due to work travel, military deployments etc. Less inclined to feel that way about porn; just can’t get my head around how it benefits a marriage in any way. I speak from experience in that I am a porn user (I’ll stop short of describing my use as an addiction) which I attribute (but do not justify) to early exposure to porn and exploitation by an older neighbor-another story altogether.
I know that both porn and masturbation are substitutes for genuine, God-honoring intimacy; I know that there is a reckoning and I will answer for it; I also know that they have kept me from going outside my marriage. Again that doesn’t justify it, but in the meantime, until I find a better solution to my sexless marriage I feel trapped by “the lesser of the two evils.” This post however, has given me at least a glimmer of hope. Thank you.
I posted here a few weeks ago about being at a crossroads with my marriage – how my wife has refused intimacy with me for the past 18 years.
Two nights ago, after attempting to initiate another conversation about our situation, she told me to “get over it”, and that “it will never happen”. I then told her I wanted to get a divorce. I got up from bed and slept in another room. Last night, we were to have attended a holiday dinner party together with a handful of friends, and because I no longer am interested in keeping up appearances, she was forced to go alone – and probably needed to explain my absence. I also let her know that I was planning to let our children and my extended family know of our pending divorce at a holiday get-together this coming weekend. I made these remarks in an emotional state because I was upset that our marriage was now over. (I was likely not going to follow through with an announcement of this magnitude until we were a little further along in the divorce process) – but it felt good to say it. And, I would certainly not tell our daughters in a large group setting like a family dinner – but rather in a private conversation where we could be comforting and support them during that difficult time.
Well, when she returned from the dinner party last night, she climbed into bed and initiated sex. As I stated earlier in my post, something we have not done in 18 years. I was completely dumbfounded. I was overwhelmed a range of emotions – happiness, confusion, guilt… You name it, and I was probably feeling it. It was the best night ever. I spent the night with the woman I married 27 years ago, not the women who was been my roommate for the past 18 years.
But now reality has set in. I am sitting in my office this morning, not knowing what is going on in my life anymore. I am confused about what happened last night. I don’t know what I should be thinking or feeling right now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Steve
Steve: Wait and see if your wake up call to her has a lasting effect. Maybe you can save your marriage. If she continues to show interest in you and your relationship then give it your all. If that night was a one-time deal to make you second guess yourself, then stand firm and follow through on the divorce. How long you wait is your decision and nobody else can judge what length of time is appropriate for your individual circumstances. Most importantly, be upfront about it with her. Let her know that you are willing to work things out if her gesture was genuine but if not, then you need to leave for your own peace of mind. You can even set your length of time for reevaluation together so she knows what is at stake and extend that time if progress is made. If she makes an effort before the agreed upon time or shows a desire to work on the marriage then stay. If she shows no sign of change or intention to do so, leave with a clear conscience.
my husband just,stopped having sex,with its been about 8 years he seems to not care,about me anymore he talks to me like a mean person it’s just,a messed up situation I really want to get,a divorce I have men who tell me I look good my husband works to even say he loves me or I look nice or nothing I am so tired of this do the know how long I can take this situation
Steve, I hope things work out for you, but be prepared for the worst.
It will be 24 years of marriage for me at the end of January. My wife and I haven’t made love or had sex at all for over 16 years. Ive been told she was going to go see drs, going to talk to someone so many times I can’t even count them anymore. Every time was a lie to keep me hoping. We went to a marriage counselor last year and then she decided she’d had enough. She told me she was trying and I was being too impatient. 16 years and I’m impatient. She doesn’t kiss me, hug me or say she loves me. It’s impossible for her not to see what this has done to our marriage and family over the years. The constant rejection. The constant feeling that maybe it’s your fault, maybe you weren’t good enough in her eyes. The complete loss of trust in your spouse. But even though it hurts, I can say I’ve finally gotten over it. I told her I wanted a divorce (in actuality, she said it every time she pushed me away and I’m finally giving up). I don’t think she believes it, but she will soon enough. I told her recently I spoke to a priest. She thinks it was to talk about our problems when I was actually finding out how to pursue an annulment. Sure, it’s scary starting life over at 51. Sure, I know some will blame me, but I would rather have nothing and have the chance at finding love again then keep going in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
Steve, my advice is to be open to reconciliation always – but don’t let a one time advance like that make up for the years of agony. See how it goes …those who you have told will certainly be delighted if it ends up working out. At some point you two need to have a conversation.
I agree with Marriage and Sex Positive. Sure it felt great for you but I have the feeling your spouse is only giving out because she doesn’t want you to leave. She will most likely go back to giving you the cold shoulder in a few weeks if not sooner. The good thing is that she still has enough Love for you to get back to being a soul mate again but You really need to convince hero see a counsellor because it will eventually kill your marriage.
My husband just don’t want Me and we have been married for twenty years and was the only man I’ve been with . I guess I’m not experienced in that at all and I cannot compare to all the other women he been with before me . So I’ve given up on my marriage to . He hats me and he can’t stand to be near me . When lying in the bed he act as if I’m contagious or something . ? Lord help me this is such a bad feeling
Well I have been married for 20 years now come May 14th and have been sexless for 8 years. She said you will never do that to me again, and moved out to her sisters. I am committed to our marriage.I have had to take this problem in hand mine times. So now what do i do ? I am here and she has not had sex either, she has no time for that , her work keeps her going strong ,at age 67, we are both 67, I’m retired , what now?
@steve…..
Odds are what she gave is called “reset sex.” This is what a refusing spouse will do when their world is being shaken up. She doesn’t want the divorce and have her life altered in such a way, so she gave in and did what she had to do to keep you in the hook. This could go on for weeks or a few months, but most times, things go back to where they were once the refuser knows you’re not leaving.
Now it’s possible your threat could’ve woken her up, but those kinds of instant transformations are very, very rare.
Don’t give up on trying to get her to work with you on this, but don’t be passive about it either.
I’m done trying so hard to get my wife’s attention, its been over seven years without and before that once every two or three months and I always initiated I’m very tired of feeling so unworthy of her I’ve become depressed now, she once told me “I’ll cook n clean but I’m not that girl” which means NO SEX! I’m not a bad man I provide for her I help around the house, pay bills, I haven’t stepped out on her, I don’t understand!! please I need advice I’ve been told I’m handsome and I try to stay in shape for her but nothing works, I’m so tired of feeling invisible
Thanks to all of you that responded for your support, encouragement and sage advice. I am optimistically hopeful that our marriage is on the right track once again, but will move cautiously. Now that the holidays are over and we are settling back into some normalcy…
We will see where this goes.
From experience, I can tell you that the real reality is that sometimes, a marriage functions best at roommate status. For some couples, sex just doesn’t work out very well. I’m sure it’s been said elsewhere on this site that this means the spouses have deep relationship problems to deal with. But some spouses just don’t have the emotional skills to resolve such problems, and are not wired to be able to develop those skills. These kinds of sites, well-meaning as they are, tend to assume that anyone can learn to communicate and develop emotional intimacy, using that as a springboard to satisfying physical intimacy. I’m sorry, but that assumption is not always true.
I am currently going through the dry season.. Since last year.. Had sex once or twice last year.
Now I feel like I’ve had enough .. I’ve since told my husband that we should stop sex for a while. So that I can deal with myself and my sex drive. I’m so frustrated , I feel like I know what a drug addict feels like. I don’t care where I get my next fix. As long as its not with him. I just want some intimacy to take the edge off a bit..I wish I could just die already forever seems so far away since getting divorced isn’t something I want to do. But being unhappy is killing me. I hope I can cope till I’m well enough to not think or expect sex anymore. Soldier on till my grave comes. I’m already dead anyway.
Please pray for me. Me and my wife have been married for three and a half years, and over the past two and half to three years I have talked to my wife about how we rarely have sex (I’m lucky if once a month), and I have always had to ask in the past, and I have always had to be the one to initiate, now it’s to the point where I told her that I won’t ask anymore, because she always rejects me. We have a daughter now who was born earlier this year, and she is such a blessing. It seems though that my wife wanted to have sex to get pregnant, but after she achieved that goal she once again decided to stop having sex with me. I have often time tried to explain her how I feel, but she doesn’t seem to understand, nor care about she is harming me emotionally and opening me up to temptations. I love her, but I feel neglected and abused.
My wife and I have been married for 29 years and about the last 10 have been more of a roommate relationship instead of a marriage. I feel she doesn’t love me anymore even though she says she does. Every time I try to initiate sex I get shot down. If she does go there it’s just always me bringing her to her orgasm and then she’s done. She says it hurts her and I have no doubt it does due to her extreme dryness, but I’ve suggested different positions and other forms of sex and using different products to help with the dryness, but she just gets grossed out. She hates sex. Not other way to say it. She hates sex. I have been thinking about stepping out and having an affair over the last couple of years, but haven’t done so. I am a devoted Christian man who loves the Lord and I don’t want to do that. Recently, there’s been a woman come into my life that I’ve known for 40 years and she adores me and I her. We have not seen each other at all and won’t, but my affair feelings are stronger than ever since she’s come back into my life. She is married as well and also a Christian so we will not act on our feelings for each other. At least I hope not. I talked to my wife about my feelings for the other woman, but that I was truly devoted to her. I told her that needed things from her and asked her what she needed from me. She told me that she had everything she needed from me. I was devoted, I was home every night, etc. I told her I needed more from her in the bedroom and she said that she would probably need to release me because she couldn’t provide those desires. I asked if she was willing to try and go to counseling, but she didn’t seem to keen on the idea. I love my wife and want to stay with her until death do us part. I can’t go the rest of my life with no sex. The other woman knows all this and she is very understanding in all of this. I’m at my wits end.
I have been with my partner for over 24 years. We have not had sex or any intimacy for well over ten years. She has rejected me in this way so many times that I just gave up trying. Every rejection was like someone stabbed you in the heart. I miss sex and intimacy but most of all I miss someone to hold and someone to hold me in a loving and caring way. I have accepted that this is my lot in life now and that it will never change. I do not want to have an affair or see someone else but there is a cloud of sadness over me about this that will not lift. I often think and pray for others out there who are in a similar situation. Reading this forum helps because we discover that we are not alone.
I am 90 and still want sex but I don’t get it from my wife for the last 55 years I handled this question by going a bar and picking one up.The big question is devorice out of the questionbecause I worth over a million and house I built before we got hitched and want to give it yo our kids
My husband and l have been married for 5 years and our intimacy has never thrived. He’s the only man I’ve ever dated and been with and sometimes l feel like l shortchanged myself especially the area of intermacy. I came into marriage expecting fireworks only to be met with me dying inside because my husband never tries to initiate sex. I don’t know the reason why he doesn’t initiate sex with me, I suspect he watched porn so he gets his fix there leaving me cold. He’s admitted to using porn in the past but says he doesn’t anymore but l don’t believe him and don’t know how to ask or confront. We now have a one year old and obviously that has made the intimacy non existent. Now l really love my husband because he’s good to me always and I’m desperate to fix this. I have no desire to divorce at all, I just don’t want to keep living like roommates.
You women are full of it. You want sex….just not with your husband.
You hooked your man, married him and now you withhold???? He should be cheating on you…he deserves it after what you did to him.
Hi. Really nice to read in a sense what I already know. Just wish my wife felt the same way.
We met some 20 odd years ago as kids and to say she was way out of my league would be an understatement. I could only dream of being her better half.
As years went by we went our seperate way. I joined the Air Force and married. Long story short she cheated on me with my best friend and that was that.
Next relationship same outcome. I had a child to each of the ladies.
I left the airforce and moved back home. My next relationship ended due to her needs for alcohol being more important than family and love life. I had 2 girls with her but as we weren’t married I had no rights for them.
My next relationship was amazing however this ended due to her sudden desire for money overtaking her desire to spend time with her daughter and myself.
Then I get a request on Facebook from a name I didn’t recognise at first, and it turns out to be the girl I knew as a kid, the one way out of my league.
Long story short she to had had bad relationships thus left her husband and loved back home. We met up just for a chat and kept in touch via Facebook. Eventually we decided to “givei it a go”! I was ecstatic to say the least. This angel of my eye was finally going to be my dream come true.
We married after a couple of years and were extremely active in the intimacy front. However I then took ill and had to leave work. My wife has been very supportive of me and I can’t thank her enough. However over the years our love life has diminished to nothing! She always made an excuse as to why she didn’t want to get intimate and I always accepted. But now I feel as though things are going way out of hand. Her final reasoning being she had lost her sex drive. My response basically being that’s fine, we don’t have to have inter course, however we could still kiss, cuddle, grope or have oral sex or masterbation. This hasn’t come to light and I feel backed into a corner as nothing I saw seems to help. I’d like her, or us to speak to someone reference this matter but she refuses and shouts at me for being “selfish”!
I just want my angel back, the girl I wanted so much as a child but couldn’t have, and now we are married and I still can’t get intimate with her.
We are both 44, married 5 years this year and got together when we were 37 so still well within our prime. Oh and she clearly states it’s not menopause.
I am now thinking of leaving as with my past history I really need that close emotional contact.
Am I being selfish, or is there anything else I can do to save our marriage.
Thanks in advance.
Hi My husband and I have not had sex for 4 years due to the menopause and vaginal tearing and we have survived.Anyone can get ill you just don’t know so you have to accept it.
We have been marred almost 50 years and really haven’t sex yet. We did have some sex but my husband became bored because I only wanted it in one position.
He is a visual type guy and likes change, he would want it in different ways and different places. I Guess that made me feel like some kind of slut. I know that’s a crazy feeling, and I don’t understand why I felt that way. But I never changed, so he just quit sex and said his hand and imagination was better than me. So that began the many decades of no sex. He moved out of our bedroom down to the bedroom in the basement. We haven’t talked or been seen together in years, he
lets me alone to do my own thing.
WOW I thought I was the only one!! Been married 17 years and haven’t had sex in 13 years.. He talks rude to me and doesn’t really care what I have to say. But is different when ppl are around. Thought I could handle living like this but kids are getting older and I think I’m missing out on someone special. I take care of myself and had an affair once and now I want the real deal for life. I want to be loved like a woman should be. We went to counseling and things are still the same. Therapist says marriage won’t last very long but I’m not strong enough to divorce. Ugh
Am encouraged.
I really thought I was the only one this was happening to. It makes 16 years for me. I seriously know what you are talking about. He acts like I am his world when others are around. But as soon as we are alone it’s back to the same old thing. The only thing that really keeps me going is he will answer to God for the way he has treated me.
Miss Julie, if you could only help me with this, I believe you know my story, married over 30 years, after 5 years she tells me that she had been sexually abused as a child, and so intamacy pretty much is over since,, we have going to counciling for years I go with her but if anything it’s gotten worse a little over a year ago she asked me to leave our bed room saying she wasn’t comfortable with me there it’s been years since I’ve sleept in my own bed, now I want you to know I’m a good husband, I clean do yardwork pay bills everything I even try to look nice her everyday hoping that today would be the day but nope, also I need you to know I’m old at 52 and retired, but I still feel we are young to still have our moments, well anyway here’s the question for you miss Jlie, why if my wife says she doesn’t want intamacy /sex like never, why do I catch her at night when she thinks I’m asleep she’s relieving herself in our bed, I’ve asked her bout it and she denies it, my point is she says she can’t or won’t make love to me no more, but yet she masterbates , don’t get me wrong if she wanted my help believe me I would help it’s been SOO many years, I just don’t understand why this secrecy if she would only ask me I would be happy to please her, miss Julie please help me understand my wife, I still love her and miss her, I’ve been told I’m not bad looking and I’m not overweight it’s almost 12:05 am and even now I can hear her start the moaning and heavy breathing , I’m becoming so resentful towards her, don’t know how long I can do this, I wish I had someone to talk to maybe even hold my hand as my wife has nt done that in several years, I’m so sorry I lost myself in this truth, I’m confused , angry, betrayed, taken advantage of, anyway what can I do ? I don’t want to divorse I’m 52 that’s pretty old to start over plus I’m on pension, and still love her but I don’t think that she loves me, and when she’s in her mode as I call it I don’t think it’s me she’s thinking of, please give me advice, I still have a lot of hugs n kisses to give and intamacy I may be rusty thow lol just kidding please help
Resentful n confused,
I’m married for almost 2 years, but been with the same partner for 4 years. Everything besides sex is doing much better. I feel like we could be more intimate but it’s not a priority for her. I feel so frustrated and unwanted. She wants a divorce because she thinks that I’m asking too much. We hardly share intimate moments -once or twice a month(if I’m lucky). Please pray for me. I want to stay married, but knowing she wants a divorce, I know I should cut my losses but emotionally I’m not ready.
If sex is spiritual is it’s marital absence as equally tragic as it’s extra marital presence?
6 yrs ago we had a stillborn baby girl which devastated us both but while I talk about her he won’t and we haven’t had any intimacy in 5 yrs.. we have become strangers only talking about necessary everyday things like we need coal milk etc or stuff like that.. still he gives gift on special occasions and writes that he loves me on cards but I feel that is not enough and if he did love me why is this only shown on paper. 3 yrs ago i asked him to sort thungs out he went to the doctor who recommended a counsellor so i asked him to go ahead and arrange it as i felt since he was the one who distanced himself he should make the moves to prove that he wanted this to work but he hasnt done anything about it and i have tried numerous times to talk about it but he just shuts down and wont talk I’m so unhappy and don’t know what to do
Hi I have been married for five years and sex is not a priority on our list.I think we place too much emphasis on sex in a relationship.Yes the Bible says sex is only acceptible in marriage but there are other non sexual things a couple can do to be intimate.
Its been almost 18 years of no sex for me and I’ve been married for well over 25 years. I haven’t been kissed or touched in that long and YES I’m angry! My husband has put his job and other as the first thing in his life , I come in someplace in there. I’ve never been so lonely in my life as I also have no friends. Why did God even let me be born if this were to be the outcome of my life?
Andy,
Totally agree and its pounded into you on a daly basis by the world. Can’t even watch modern TV or movies without sex shoved in your face. It’s a waist of time. I’d rather be doing yard work, and I hate yard work.
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m in my 50’s have a wonderful husband and I don’t have desires for intimacy with my husband. This has been getting worse over the last few years and now my husband is making the case to get help or he is done. My husband is in his 60’s, why can’t he just give it up? You know suppress his urges, there is more to life than sex.
Thank you
I like the room mate status, my choice for over 35 years. Not at all disappointed about it. Life moves on and I’m happy.
First, I would like to thank Julie for the post. After reading all the replies I have concluded that the “root cause” is. Yes! Selfishness, in fact, selfishness is the root of ALL evil. Not only in intimate relationships but in every day interactions with each other. I mean EVERYONE around us. This evil “selfishness” will cause the end of humanity!
Wow ! I’m at a loss I’m Danny and if you’ve read a little about me you know I’m starving sexually it’s been over 8years I don’t even know anymore, but my point is I read these ladies posts and I’m at a loss I don’t understand how a man can say no to a woman for sex I am sure there are so many different circumstances but coming from my point of view it’s hard to understand, I just read Sophie and wow, I really don’t want to sound rude or perv but sometimes I think I just need someone to help me before I explode! and I would love to talk to someone I wish I could leave my number here but I know that’s inappropriate anyway I’m sorry I’m desperate and lonely bad combination for a man, I am sorry for everything
We have been married for 30 years and ever since we took the honeymoon, it seems like we have been getting further and further away from each other. Date night don’t work, planed night for sex (never) happens.
The worst feeling is that of rejection.
I have never shared with anyone what I am about to share with you all now. I have respected my husband and not talked about it to anyone.. but my husband and I hardly talk about the situation so I need to vent somewhere. I’ve had this article saved for about 9-10 months because I was struggling then with the fact that my husband and I weren’t having sex. Well, my husband and I got married on Sept 3, 2016. It’ll be a year in 17 days. And we’ve STILL never had sex. We dated for 4 years before getting married but were never intimate with each other because we were waiting for marriage. We shared our first kiss on our wedding day. But I thought things would be different when we got married. Nope. I’m always the one initiating sex but he never wants to go all the way. He’s 27 and still a virgin. I had sex before marriage with someone else. But that’s not what his issue is. He watched porn growing up and even though he doesn’t anymore he can’t get those images out of his head when he’s in bed with me. He told me that back in January and I thought things would get better since the issue was out in the open but they haven’t. Still no sex. And he seems fine with it. It’s on my mind everyday but it doesn’t even seem like a big deal to him. It makes me feel unattractive, unwanted, lonely, like we’re just friends, frustrated, sad. So many things. I fall asleep every night to the sound of him snoring while I lay here naked hoping he’ll want to touch me. But nothing. I’m his wife and he won’t have sex with me. I don’t understand. And I don’t know what else to do. I feel like nothing is ever going to change.
I never withhold sex from my husband.We’ve been married for 9 years now.He’s cheated on me before but i’v never stepped out on him. Sometimes when we argue he iust holds back as if thats his way of manipulating the situation. Or is he cheating on me again? I dont know what to think but all I know is i wont allow myself to be used so I just watch silently.
I have been married since 2013. Around 2016 , I had a job offer from a company in. Dubai, so in this case , I left my wife lonely back home. I will be working for two years in Dubai . sometimes I keep asking myself if my wife can stay or wait for me without sex. The reason is , we re humans and we have feelings.
Wow reading everyone’s story I feel like a rookie at how many years I have been married but this my second my first was 10years. Well I have been married for 4 years and we have not been intimate for 6 months which is a big issue to me in this marriage for me we just stopped. We have always had issues even when we were dating and early on in the marriage but, I loved this man enough to get pass the issues and marry him. I am a very sexual person who loves to show it and my husband knows that. I have asked my husband what is the problem you have with me…. I keep up with myself, my appearance and I feel vey pretty and confident about myself especially after having to kids 1 from my previous. I don’t even look like I had any and went right back to my normal size within a few days. His response was I’m tired I work so I’m just tired he says this as soon as he hits the door or says he doesn’t feel well….No man should be to tired or have an excuse to not have sex with his wife. I’m tired a lot too but that does not stop me from wanting to be intimate with husband.To make a long story short which may shock you all, we don’t even wear our wedding rings like that anymore,my hunger for attention and intimacy has drove me to not only mansturbate but I have fell in love with my male best friend who I have known for 10 years who has always loved me from day one and treated me like his queen and has been in my corner but, I never noticed him or gave him a chance to show me he loved me. For one I am married, 2 it was always bad timing for us to take things to another level before I got married. We spend so much time together that by choice we stepped outside of our friend zone which led to where we are now. We did not plan to have our feelings involved it just happened over time and this has been going on between us for 2 years now. I love my husband but I feel he doesn’t love me anymore. We are at the Roommate stage now where we are more like friends. When I would lay on him he would tell me you to heavy or it’s hot…. I’m 4 foot 11 and weigh 107 really??!! I have given my husband numerous chances to change and he would do it for a little by having sex with me to shut me up then would go back to his old ways again. I’m just miserable and depressed with trying to make this work. My best male friend even told me go work your marriage out I know how you feel about him and he said I’m not going anywhere we are friends forever and he hasn’t left my side. I know his family they love me not to mention his Mom wanted us together but she respected my choice. It’s sad when a man like my best friend wants to be married, have a wife and kids when a man who has it all doesn’t know what to do with it. I’m posting my story because I’m not sure what to do now but I know I feel my heart is not into it like I was in the beginning and it hurts that it got to this point especially if I told my husband how I feel and we need to fix this. I guess all marriages are meant to save f the man doesn’t feel like it’s no be issue to him.
I don’t appreciate how this is aimed at women…seems that it is telling women not to withhold intimacy but that is not always the case. My spouse has “controlled” our relationships for 20+ years and has pretty much stopped anything for the past 3 but attempts place the blame on me. If things like this are always targeted to women how wil men like my husband ever wake up to the hurt they cause.
Yup I know how you ladies feel, we have been married over 30 years and I can count on both hands how many times we have been intamate she just doesn’t want to, now it’s been around a year that she’s asked me to leave our bedroom and sleep on other bed or sofa, What the!! she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with me there , and what really hurts is when she thinks I’m sleeping I can hear her relieving herself I didn’t even know that she does that, wow soo many years and I feel like I don’t know her sometimes , anyway I’m so sorry to hear about you ladies issues I wouldn’t wish that on anyone it’s very lonely and makes a person feel useless, and the thing is that I’m not over fat I try to stay in shape for her, other women give me attn. but not my wife I pray that things change for the better for all of us, oh another thing is that she doesn’t like me going through her phone cuz last time I looked she had crazy explicit emails but she says that they just come in , I don’t know what to do, I’m 56 not bad looking just lonely.
I have a good marriage and i feel blessed to be with someone who is my best friend and loves me and my children like they are his own. We are starting a ministry together as a family. We are taking steps of faith every day and that is a good thing. My problem is that we have no privacy right now, because his father is living with us. I am in the role of caregiver for him; he is having mental issues and needs help freqeuntly with daily life. In addition, i also take meds which suppress sex drive. Therefore, i am tired most days and have no drive. My husband pretty much takes care of his own needs, and i am left to fend for myself. Also, when i do have energy for sex, he does not, or his father needs help, the ministry or the kids need to be taken care of, etc. Zero creativity, i love him, but he is not a risk taker in this department like i am. I have been begging him for more in this department for years but it leaves me feeling rejected most of the time. We need help, i need hope. I have just about given up on having sex, my needs and desire to do things are falling on deaf ears right now.
I’ve read so many posts about lack of sex but have never come across my circumstances. Married 49 y ears. Diminished sex after 8 years of marriage. Very, very little sex years 10 to 35. Then no sex at all for 13 years. Finally tired about the lack of closeness I asked why the lack of intimacy and told him I was interested. He admitted to masturbation all our married life by the use of fantasies (not pornography, no computer and no smart phone). We always had hot sex at the beginning of our marriage and I was always willing but didn’t initiate sex cause I thought if he was interested he would. He swears he has never had an affair only masturbates. So hard to believe but I manage the finances and if he was having one there is no evidence. Has anyone else had an experience anything like this. Men can you weigh in on this
I have dated my man for 5 years and de next year he paid my bired price and we are planing our white wedding this DEC but who n ever we have any issue my husband will start telling m that he does nt love m again that the door is open in case i feel like going. Days how I fell out of love and we stop having sex till now. And me i don’t feel any thing for him again. I don’t know what to know. I need ur advice .