9 Things I Would Say About Sex if I Had No Filter

1.  I read Cosmopolitan at my hairstylist’s shop.

I admit it.  I want to know if there are 25 ways to rock my husband’s world tonight.  Sadly, I never learn anything new.

2.  I grow weary of people who are unwilling to do their part in nurturing sex in their marriage. 

I know that some marriages are wrought with sexual difficulties that require a lot of work to overcome. Infidelity. Past sexual abuse. Betrayal upon betrayal.

But.

In most marriages where sex is a struggle, one or both people just need to grow up and start mutually paying attention to their sexual intimacy.  And if there are those big problems I just mentioned? Those are not insurmountable either.

There is no magic solution that can solve these struggles for you.

If you don’t like sex, you have to put in the effort to figuring out why. If you are doing things to sabotage or destroy intimacy, stop it.

Don’t just “wait for things to change.”  Waiting for things to change, or worse… denying there is even a problem… will undoubtedly take you directly (and ironically) to what you don’t want — a crappy marriage.

If you have let unhealthy sexual patterns settle into your marriage (no sex, obligatory sex, going-through-the-motions sex), I’m not gonna lie — digging yourself out of that mess may feel cumbersome. BUT, it is so worth it!!

Sadly, some people are just unwilling to do the necessary and life-changing work, even for the sake of their marriage.  Heartbreaking.

Even more depressing are the marriages where one person IS trying. And the other person couldn’t care less.

3. Too many churches (nearly all) have been tragically silent on the topic of sex.

Difficulties with sexual intimacy are a huge issue in many marriages.

Why are we not having more in-depth discussion and teaching about not only what the Bible says about sex, but also about the more common sexual struggles in marriage?

Everyone seems all enthused about bashing males and the use of pornography, but few people seem equally motivated to hold accountable Christians who are sexually refusing their spouse or being manipulative sexually.   Pornography is sinful, yes.  So is sexual refusal and sexual manipulation.

Sometimes sexual sin issues are intertwined and sometimes they are not.  At any rate, there is much opportunity for churches to authentically speak into the struggles.

We as a body of believers have collectively become lackadaisical about the wide spectrum of sexual issues plaguing marriages.  And, at the same time, we have not given enough voice to encouraging married couples to enjoy sex and have it often.

Something has got to give. This silence on sex is not helping anyone.  I’ve written about this before in a post that not surprisingly got a lot of traffic:  5 Reasons the Church Won’t Talk More Authentically About Sex.

4.  I have wrestled a lot — and I mean, a lot — with whether sexual refusal is grounds for divorce.

And by “sexual refusal” I don’t mean struggles about frequency (which is really the core of so many couples’ sexual battles).

No, I’m not talking about couples digging their heels in on whether once a week or once a month is enough sex. And obviously I’m not talking about when there is no sex because of such things as illness, injury, physical separation due to work or military deployment, ongoing unrepentant adultery, etc.

By “sexual refusal,” what I mean is outright refusal for literally years with no reasonable reason as to why.

I don’t have all my thoughts and feelings sorted out about if and when separation and divorce seem like viable solutions when sexual refusal has become the steadfast standard in a marriage. But when I do, I will write a post.

Suffice to say, though, I do think blatant and on-going sexual refusal is a form of emotional abuse, and … well… God isn’t too crazy about abuse.  He longs for us to acknowledge it, address it and hold people accountable.

5.  It is lazy and careless parenting to not have on-going and age appropriate talks about sex with your kids.

I’m not saying you are a horrible parent all the way around.

What I AM saying is that if you aren’t having on-going age appropriate conversations with your kids about sexual intimacy, then you are being careless in this area.

If you are waiting for just the right moment to have these conversations with your kids — yet you never seem to find that moment — I’ve got some humbling news for you.  The right moment is now.

You need to get over yourself and start talking.

And by talking, I don’t mean reducing it all to a one-time “talk.” That’s not much better than saying nothing at all.

There are countless adults who have made a mess of sexual intimacy in their lives in part because their parents did not muster the courage and resolve to speak often and specifically about God’s design for sex.

And if the only thing you are telling your pre-teen and teen children is “don’t have sex” or “sex is wrong,” then you are doing them a tremendous disservice.

The simplistic “don’t have sex” message is incredibly short-sighted if it doesn’t offer up healthy discussion about why premarital sex is not a good idea.  It’s not just about unplanned pregnancies and STDs.  It also is about knitting your soul together with another person (who likely won’t be your spouse).

It’s about trying to handle the emotional idiosyncrasies of something that single people (particularly mere kiddos) do not have the maturity to handle.

While you are exploring with your kids the reasons sex outside of marriage is not a good idea, you owe it to them to also give them a balanced view.  We tend to overemphasize “just don’t have sex,” but then we say nothing about how great sex is in marriage.

We make a big deal over purity rings and abstinence pledges, but say little about why sex feels so incredible with the person you love and with whom you share a covenant relationship.

I can already hear some of you saying, “Well, I can’t tell them sex in marriage is great, because sex in my marriage sucks.”

Sounds like this is your wake up call. To seek health and healing in your own sexual intimacy.

And to equip your kids to appreciate sex in their marriage some day.

For more on this, check out The Five Secrets to Talking to Your Kids About Sex and 10 Worst Mistakes You Can Make When Talking to Your Kids About Sex.

6.  I really want to ask everyone about their sexual intimacy.

I usually have good discernment about this, because duh — I can’t ask random strangers at Target about their sexual intimacy.  I just can’t. And I probably shouldn’t haphazardly bring up the topic with my neighbors either.

My friends (and even a few acquaintances) are a different ball game.  And most of them know that at some point, I’m probably going to steer the conversation toward sex.  Not because I want to know intimate details, but more so because I care greatly about this area of marriage.

I know that when two people in a marriage could and should be having sex and both enjoying it, but aren’t — it’s likely impacting the rest of the marriage as well.  My heart is always to challenge people to look closely at this area of their marriage.

7.  Ladies, invest in a good bra.

I know. This seems like a random comment.  But stick with me here.

You may think I’m singing the praises of a good bra simply because of how it makes your breasts look (which a good bra will do, by the way), but I’m also encouraging you to feel comfortable and confident with your femininity.

Plus, it is a kind wifely thing to do to be sensitive to the fact that your husband likely is interested in looking at your breasts (whether your clothes are on or off).

Bras (like high heels) are not the most comfortable contraptions.  But if you invest in a good one, you may find it to be more comfortable than you thought possible.  I recommend the brand Soma (and they didn’t even pay me to say that). Fabulous bras.

There’s just a lot to be said for wearing a decent bra.  Money. Well. Spent.

8.  I’m a horrible recycler.

I know.  This has NOTHING to do with sex.

But I have been harboring stupid guilt about this for too long and had to confess. Seriously. I only recycle if it is somewhat convenient for me.  I’m trying to be better, though, so keep that in mind before you flee me completely in pursuit of a more eco-friendly sex blogger.  I. am. trying.

9. Married Christians generally are too sexually inhibited.

If you are giving even a passing glance to movies, TV and other entertainment, you will find some common themes regarding sex…

Sex among singles is painted as exciting, adventurous, fun, amazing and thrilling. Sex within marriage is painted as boring, obligatory and nearly non-existent.

Why. Is. That?

In subtle and not-so-subtle ways, we have been bombarded with this idea that all the great sex is happening outside of marriage.

And that’s just plain sad. The potential for the best sex is in marriage, because it is the only place where God is thrilled with your sexual oneness!

I think some married Christians are afraid to really enjoy sex.  Or they have not learned how to enjoy it.

Or maybe they equate sexual pleasure with sin.  Or possibly they have believed the lie that the only way to have sex is missionary position, in the bedroom, with the lights out. God forbid anyone utter a sound of ecstasy.

Many married Christians need to simply lighten up and enjoy making love with the person they married.

Sexual pleasure and sexual connection between a husband and wife was God’s idea.  Orgasm was God’s idea.  Orgasm is such an incredible experience, right?!  And God designed it.  If ever we wondered about His generosity, we married folk need to look no further than orgasm. I have entire page on my site with posts about orgasm, in case you are interested.

People often ask me what is “okay” Biblically to do sexually.

The rules are really rather simple, in my opinion:

(1) Exclusivity (no third parties… no sex with anyone other than your spouse, no one else watching the two of you have sex, no pornography and no fantasizing about people other than your spouse) AND…

(2) Neither you nor your spouse are getting hurt (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

In other words, you have a lot of freedom within the safe exclusivity of your marriage to thoroughly enjoy and explore sexual intimacy.

Want to try different positions? Great!  Want to wear sexy lingerie?  Go for it! Want to give and receive oral sex? Have fun! Want to tell each other exactly what you want to do to one another sexually?  Revel in it!

If you’ve ever heard that saying (or some version of it)… he wants a lady on the street and a freak in bed…  I think that is not too far off.  And by freak, all I mean is sexually uninhibited, interested in sex, enthusiastic about pleasing her husband sexually, passionate about enjoying her own sexual pleasure.

I believe we would be a happier and more authentic body of believers if we took to heart what the gift of sex is to a marriage.

If we lived the gift and embraced it, rather than downplay it, we could more genuinely profess Christ and allow our lives to be an example of pursuing holiness for His namesake.

I’m just sayin.  Just keeping it real.

There you have it.  9 things I would say about sex if I had no filter.

Aren’t you glad I have a filter?

For more reading, check out Hot Holy Humorous post 8 Things I Would Say About Sex if I had No Filter and Paul Byerly’s post Filter Down! (What I Really Think About Sex).  I have started a filter-less revolution!  Kind of.

Never want to miss one of my posts?  Subscribe via email on this page.  And be sure to join my more than 9,000 followers on my Facebook page and 10,000 followers on Twitter.

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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46 thoughts on “9 Things I Would Say About Sex if I Had No Filter

  1. Sarah says:

    Ummmm….yeah….My husband and I were talking about this the other night. It is difficult for us to imagine couples that are perfectly healthy not taking advantage of an hour to be together, having fun, talking, and intimately showing each other how much we love each other. Last week we did not turn on the television at all…we found plenty of things to do, organize closets, craft, read, and we doubled the amount of times we had sex in a week. The television “One Night Stand” lies of awesome sex when you are only serving yourselves or serving the other person who is doing it is never going to happen. It has to be mutual. When it’s mutual, it’s going to be GREAT and get EVEN BETTER! Great and true post! (I’m with you on the recycling thing)

  2. Robert says:

    Julie, nicely spoken.

    As a male, this is the reason I lurk here. There is thoughtful and intelligent, and challenging discussion here about hard issues.

    You are doing good work. Thank you.

  3. JulieSibert says:

    @Paul Byerly… I’d love to know what you would say if you had no filter! Go for it! We need more advocates for godly sexuality!

  4. R says:

    Thank you. What should the husband do if the wife doesn’t want to make love or be intimate. Says she doesn’t feel like it or enjoy it. Once 6 mths ago, before that nothing for 3 yrs. the husband is kind, helpful round the house, caring, gives thoughtful gifts, texts and talks supportively. Leads the family in bible reading and prayers, is funny and financially responsible. Ok he snores…
    Advice ?

  5. J. Parker (@HotHolyHumorous) says:

    No filter? My husband and closest friends get to hear those conversations, and they are, um, interesting. LOL.

    This is a great list. But I also wanted to comment on #7 (because it also just happened to be my Feeling Beautiful tip of the week!): Never had a Soma; love Natori. Admittedly, a great bra can be expensive, so I buy off the clearance rack.

  6. A says:

    I agree with almost everything. But to say that one has to “simply lighten up” is a little like telling someone who has severe depression that he/she should just get over it. Many Christians have grown up in very religious homes and have a totally distorted view towards sex. We shouldnt underestimate what some married couples are going throw and what torment it causes when both want to change the situation but just cant. It can put such unbearable pressure on the married couple if all they hear is “just do it” or “get over it” and it just crumbles any self esteem to realize over and over that you are a failure and cant enjoy one of Gods greatest gifts. I believe there needs to be more understanding and gentleness towards these couples/individuals. Professional help would be a great idea. We tend to think we dont need help but just like depression, if its a serious condition you wont be able to heal without help…

  7. JulieSibert says:

    @A… thanks for your comment. I am sensitive to what you are saying, which is why anyone who has followed my blog for awhile knows that I am a big advocate of professional help and doing the hard work to heal those areas of distorted views, past sexual struggles, etc.

    In fact, I essentially said that in this post as well… If you re-read pt. #2, I express the reality that some people do have hard work to do, and I added: “Sadly, some people are just unwilling to do the necessary and life-changing work, even for the sake of their marriage. Heartbreaking.”

    In no way do I want to minimize the struggles some marriages go through. I just think some people don’t want to do anything about those struggles, even if (or especially if) the work will be heart-wrenching (though take them to a better healthier place).

  8. Anonymous says:

    No 9 is really true. Basically, I was raised in a “Just don’t do it” family. Sex is private; it’s for married folk; it isn’t discussed. My takeaway as an impressionable male was basically being ashamed of my sex drive. I didn’t know what to do with it. I married–Christian to Christian and both of us virgins. My bride was told absolutely nothing about sex by her mother, much less than nothing by her dad. My dad asked me on my wedding day if I knew about birth control. That’s it.

    The switch never got flipped. It was never “Ok” and certainly never eagerly sought after, although flashes of time, we did experience it. Recently, when I suggested a bit of spice in the bedroom, I was told, “We’re old.” I certainly don’t feel that way, but that’s the scary part about being in a relationship. If both people are passionately engaged, that’s wonderful, and if both people just don’t care, that’s sad, but they don’t know what they’re missing. But if one wants to push ahead and the other doesn’t care, that feels pretty hopeless. I will never give up though. I think when you do that, the marriage is over.

  9. Lisa Campbell says:

    I loved this post! I am a fan of sometimes taking off the filter, it allows people to get some information they may not normally be able to find. I think in all things, you should educate yourself by reading a lot of material and then deciding what parts you want to instill in your life while not getting offended by the parts you don’t want to instill. We love your book, we are reading it again, and we utilize it with couples we coach. I am on task about letting people know to take what is great from it that they like and to not let offense stop them from going further 🙂 Thank you for your insights Julie!

  10. k says:

    i completely agree with everything you’re saying here but wanted to bring up one thing you didn’t-anal sex. The Bible is clear about natural and unnatural use of women but I know there are plenty of men asking their wives to cooperate in that act. Even if the wife is willing, God is still against it.

  11. JAMES WITTER says:

    I would like to encourage Julie and Paul to both turn off the filter and really give everyone some down to earth sex info. Also to R I would say does just one person make all the decisions running the house… like money, what car to buy, etc, etc what I am trying to say that most decisions are made in a mutual agreement and so should sex in the marriage. I feel that if one or the other is not satisfying the other with sex the that spouse is sinning…. i also feel the church need to be more open with the subject of sex and do a better job on the subject.

  12. Jeff says:

    Great post. My wife and I love reading your insights. There are times when we just need to speak the truth in love, even if it hurts. As one who has been in A.A. for years, I appreciate it when someone calls me on my garbage (I was going to use another word but wanted to keep it clean). We need to be confronted with truth about our sex life in our marriages so that we can be set free to enjoy our spouses in the most intimate God-given way we have. I am often captivated by how great sex feels, and the fact that God gave it to us. This means he understands pleasure. Praise God!

  13. Anonymous says:

    Great post! In an effort to start working on #8….please please please do not buy bottled water in those little Krinkly plastic bottles. One of the biggest users of petroleum we have and also one of the biggest polluters or our rivers, streams and oceans. Buy a nalgene, camelbak, or some kind of sport bottle and fill it as needed. Amazing small and simple step but with big impact.

  14. JulieSibert says:

    @k… there is debate among Christians on whether anal sex is permissible between two consenting spouses in a marriage. But I don’t really want to debate that right now in this post.

    What I will say is that when I talked about what is permissible, I emphasized that neither spouse is getting hurt (physically, emotionally, spiritually). Obviously anal sex carries with it the potential for greater physical pain/injury than vaginal intercourse or oral sex, so it is certainly understandable why a wife would not want to participate in this. And if a husband is forcing the issue (relationally or literally), then obviously he is disregarding the point of not causing his wife emotional pain as well.

    The basis of sexual interaction has got to start with love, and it is not loving to force (or manipulate) a spouse into doing something that they reasonably have rights to say no to.

  15. John says:

    @k – so, whats your view on oral sex, specifically the wife performing oral sex on the man? After all, looked at dispassionately, a penis isn’t supposed to go into a mouth, but a vagina. Isn’t that unnatural, then?

  16. John says:

    @k – also, I assume you are referring to this verse:
    Rom 1:27: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

    “the natural use” – physikos chrēsis – pretty means what it is translated as: the natural (or agreeable to nature) sexual use of the woman. Forgive the term “use”, its more of a scientific definition. The point of this verse is not that there are natural/unnatural ways to be sexual with a woman, but that men are being sexual towards each other is not natural.

    Quite frankly, the definition of “natural use” is pretty wide open, and is not defined anywhere in the bible. What it is not is pretty specific and limited. But what I think Julie has stated above is pretty much the universally accepted intent that the bible espouses between husbands and wives.

    If it involves only the 2 of you, and is agreeable between spouses, and doesn’t involve harm (physically, emotionally, spiritually) that one objects too, then it is allowed. If it involves others, or is not agreeable, or causes harm, it is not. And one “pushing” the other to do which is not agreeable, that causes harm, so that is not good either.

  17. Anonymous says:

    @ Julie — great post! How great to read your unfiltered thoughts!

    @ John — why isn’t a penis supposed to go in a mouth? I get tired of hearing this comparison because the mouth and anus are completely different. The anal sphincter muscle is not designed for penetration and over time can become weakened from anal sex, and there can certainly be physical harm caused from it. People will argue the whole thing of nerve endings in that area and how it feels so good, etc, but the whole perineum is filled with nerves as is the whole body. That too does not make it necessarily okay.
    The mouth on the other hand is not sphincter muscle at all and if you read Song of Solomon you will find it full of euphemism regarding oral sex. I do not see where giving oral sex can even be compared to anal sex.
    Just my .02 cents. 😉

  18. Jeff says:

    In the midst of difficult sex due to Vaginismus, she promised to try the coconut oil later after the kids went to bed, because of all the healing things we heard about it. All day, though, whenever I was less than appealing to her in my use of words, she threatened the sex session we agreed to. It was as if I wanted this and she didn’t. I agreed to it because I wanted to stimulate her for her good time. I would enjoy her having orgasm! You know what happened? Nothing!! No effort, no hint, no cancellation, she just went to bed and turned over like she has done ten thousand times!! Sometimes I wonder if she misses a connection with me. Or I am expendable and she gets fulfillment from our 11 year old twins. (the other kids are older).

  19. Robin2014 says:

    “The Bible is clear about natural and unnatural use of women…….”

    Maybe it is just me but the choice of words in this sentence just plainly rubs me wrong. I consider myself God’s daughter
    who has been given free will, not something that can be used! Just saying!

  20. Larry B says:

    “Want to try different positions? Great! Want to wear sexy lingerie? Go for it! Want to give and receive oral sex? Have fun! Want to tell each other exactly what you want to do to one another sexually? Revel in it!”

    Yes, that is what married Christians ought to do – overcome their inhibitions and thus open themselves to deeper, richer, more satisfying sexual intimacy with each other.

    Thanks Julie for going unfiltered in this post.

    Personally, I do not get this idea that a wife is being “used” if she gives oral sex to her husband. The spouses love each other and enjoy a little variety in their lovemaking. So, I don’t see a wife being used when she performs oral sex. In fact, many Christian wives enjoy doing this, and not just because it pleasures the husband. It can be fun and playful for both spouses, and involves a shared trust and shared vulnerability.

  21. S says:

    Jeff – Having experienced vaginisms I would say that your wife is afraid. It’s a cruel, horrible thing to have to go through and over time it wears you down like you wouldn’t believe.
    I suspect that it wasn’t actually anything you said that made her not want to go through with it, but that she was looking for any excuse to get out of it because she didn’t really believe the coconut oil was going to work.
    Vaginisms are very much a mind thing, though it’s subconcious. Is your wife getting help with that? You can’t cure this with oil, she needs help working on the emotional side of things from a professional.
    Be patient, loving, and kind until such time as she’s ready again.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Julie, you are truly a prophet in the wilderness! I think number 2,3 and 9 are especially true in my home church. I have confirmed this with one of our counseling pastors. The male bashing and pornography issue is my biggest “pet peeve”. Sex starved marriages is not even considered a problem or sin to overcome while the evils of pornography is regularly preached.

    Thank you Julie for your ministry. Please don’t stop talking about sex in Christian marriages!!

  23. KP says:

    I’d actually prefer you NOT have a filter! The best blogs are those without them. Keep on keepin’ on! 🙂

  24. Jason says:

    Our Pastor spoke this past Sunday about sex. He said outright that sexual refusal is a sin. I appreciate his candidness about sex and we need a lot more of it from the pulpits of America’s churches.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Julie, I so love your blog and am thankful that there are Christian women like you out there to serve as a wealth of knowledge!

    Concerning #9, I realize that I am in the minority on this, but my husband and I have been married for 7 years and I have never had an orgasm and I am perfectly ok with that. I enjoy our intimacy because of the emotional connection. I have researched female orgasms and their importance in relationships, extensively, which is what brought me to this site. There is so much work involved in getting there, especially if you’ve never experienced one and quite frankly, I just don’t have enough energy or interest in achieving one to put in a minimum of 45 minutes of work for just the possibility of experienceing climax. Not even a guarantee of one. I prefer to just go with the flow.

    In general, I am not a patient person. If I have no results with whatever I am doing within several minutes, I am on to the next thing. But I still love sex with my husband! I say all of this to point out that there are women that do love and enjoy sex without orgasm and without the expectancy of one. I love our time together. I initiate often. I am enthusiastic and rarely turn him down. I am adventurous. And I think we have a wonderful sex life! I often read in the comments section that if a wife isn’t experiencing orgasm she will see sex as a chore or an obligation, but for me that is not true. I look at like going to Italy. I would love to go there, and if I make it there in my lifetime, that’d be great! If I ever have an orgasm, that would be great, but if I don’t, that’s fine too. I just enjoy being with my husband either way!

  26. Daniel says:

    Great post. It’s really sad how society has twisted sex to make it look awesome outside of marriage but boring within marriage. This us a discussion my wife and I have had a few times recently.

    And like Paul, I might rip off your headline.

  27. Anonymous says:

    To the anonymous poster who has not had a orgasm in 7 years of marriage…

    I have been married nearly 35 years and my wife has not had a true orgasm during our time together. She does enjoy our time together when we are intimate just like you. Just know that you can have a long marriage without the big O!

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  29. Keelie Reason says:

    I laughed out loud about your confession of wanting to ask everyone about their sex lives. 🙂 I feel the same way. I have one friend in particular who blushes about talking about sex. We talk about it anyways, but she knows I’m going to bring it up here and there. I was dubbed the “sex talk” lady by the ladies in mops group last year. I still laugh about that one.

  30. Erynn Haskins says:

    I am not married but I am engaged and I love your perspective on sex in a Christian marriage. like you said in your point about churches, this topic is often omitted and it’s nice that you are open to talking about it.

  31. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says:

    I came here through a link from Paul’s site, and will be running my take on this on Wednesday, Feb. 11.

    I do have an opinion on sexual refusal…I’ve been refused for going on seven years, now. I still love my wife, and I would not consider divorce. (The reason? She just doesn’t find me all that compelling. I’m fit, wash daily, don’t eat garlic, but have the bland personality of a Zen monk.)

    It’s unfortunate, and it hurt, but it made me grow, and understand that, well, not everyone’s perfect, and we can’t order life and free will the way we want it.

    It’s not the end of marriage. It is, in the end, a blip, if you’ve a mind to look at it that way.

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  33. Nina says:

    I waited until I got married to have sex and I am in a quandary because I’ve discovered that I hate sex. I hate everything about it, but I had no way of knowing that I wouldn’t like it. To be honest, at this point I would be cool with my hubby going elsewhere, because I know he is sexually frustrated and miserable with me.I’ve tried everything I’ve heard and read and still I hate it. I’ve yet to tell my hubby the depth of my feelings as I believe it would break his heart. I love him so much, adore him even, but I just feel our lives would be great together if we never had to broach the subject of sex ever again

  34. Robin says:

    Sexual addiction is REAL and affects the intimacy in a relationship. When you KNOW your spouse is thinking about his porn or his prostitute and using you to satisfy his immediate needs, the desire to participate can quickly disappear.

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  41. Longsuffering says:

    Number 3. Have been? More like actively continuing to accelerate.

    “Everyone seems all enthused about bashing males and the use of pornography, but few people seem equally motivated to hold accountable Christians who are sexually refusing their spouse or being manipulative sexually.”

    Not just porn, but plain old bash period. Like we are ALL wife beaters from the 1800’s or something if we try to keep the credit cards from bankrupting us. Or something CRAZY like living within our means. Why that is practically abuse in some of today’s “churches”. How DARE we deny an eight year old a $1000 “I” gizmo and the several hundred dollar a month bill that comes with all of them!?

    In the last 35 years I bet I have heard the “like Christ loved the church” tirade at LEAST once a month. Sometimes more. But I have yet to hear anything REMOTELY resembling “do not deny”. Or anything that might be even slightly suggesting holding a wife’s feet to the fire on ANYTHING. Much less sex.

    Quote from elder; “You need to stop worrying about this sex (between a H and W) “”nonsense”” and get on with the Lord’s Work.” End quote.

    I am exhausted fighting for marriage we are supposed to have and “City Hall” to boot.

    I was under the apparently mistaken impression that marriage was supposed to be the base from which everything was supposed to be built.

    Nina’s comments might be where you start on that article about number 4. My wife is, and has said, similar. She claims to enjoy it but could somehow still live the rest of “OUR” marriage without.

    Been 35 years now. How hard do you think it has been on my side of this equation? I am afraid to leave the house because about all it would take is for someone to treat me nice and I would probably be DONE!

    Nina sounds like a newlywed and she is ready to give him a hall pass already. I can tell you from experience he has a long, hard, desperate, miserable and lonely grind ahead of him. R’s comment sounded awfully familiar too. Somehow his comment didn’t get “replied” to. Probably being ignored at his church too. I know mine was. See above. Multiple pastors. Two crops of Elders, at least two “mature Christian couple” marriage coaches, and too many marriage seminars to count.

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