5 Worst Excuses for Not Having Sex

 

Do you make excuses for not having sex with your husband?

I ask that question with a humble heart that has a passion for encouraging women in this area of their marriage.

Some wives are making excuses. I think these are some of the worst.

1. I’m too tired.

Before you go all ballistic on me, I know all about being tired.

I too live in a vortex of things clawing for my attention.

Forms that have to be signed, meals that have to be cooked, laundry that has to be cleaned and put away.  Work demands that are… well… demanding. Needy little creatures I gave birth to who are whining about lost Legos or Minecraft tragedies or no milk in the fridge.

I have walked the floor at midnight with a crabby newborn. I have held the head of a puking grade-schooler.  I have worked until 2 a.m. on work projects.

I get tired.  I get it.

BUT, if you are consistently too tired for sex, then something’s gotta give.

If your husband is always getting what’s leftover in your heart, head and hands, then something’s gotta give.

Something. Has. Got. To. Give.

Take an honest look at why you are too tired and make changes — even baby steps — so that you will have more energy for sex.

2. My show is on.

Well, if your show is on, then tell your husband you will be up for some lovemaking after the show is done.  Then follow through.

The follow-through is key.  Because false hope and half truths and empty promises are assassins to healthy sexual intimacy.  Killers, I tell you.

And the collateral damage to your marriage is just too high a price to pay, all in the name of the latest episode of “Scandal” or “Parenthood” or “19 Kids and Counting.”

I like to unwind with a show every now and then too, but I can’t tell you the number of times I hear from husbands whose wives want to sit in front of the TV (or computer) for hours every night — yet don’t have any interest in having sex.

While your show is on, your marriage may be dying. One episode at a time.

3. I have to do stuff for the kids.

Yes. Yes you do. You have to build a strong healthy marriage.

But that’s really hard to do if you are overly diligent about catering to every request that walks in the door or out of the backpack or into the email inbox.

If you want to protect time for sexual intimacy in your marriage, you need to become discerning about what is vital to your children — and what is wasted effort that won’t make a lick of difference.

You have to decide if the 25 kids in your child’s classroom really need homemade cookies for their class party — or if store-bought ones will suffice just fine.

I know there are times we want to go all “super parent” for our kids with the “perfect” Halloween costume or prom dress or birthday party, but at some point you need to stand back. Take a breath.

Those little creatures you and your husband created — they need a mama and daddy who love and cherish each other.

That means you have to intentionally carve out time to shut the bedroom door, forget about homemade cookies, and enjoy sex with your husband.

4. I need to clean the house.

That sticky kitchen floor and unfolded laundry can wait.  It can.

Unless you are being nominated for that hoarders show and desperately need the help of organizers from IKEA, then you likely don’t need to clean your house at this moment.

Sure, no one wants to live in filth, but my experience has been that the definition of clean you might be holding up for your home is exhausting you and consuming you — to the point that “clean” might just be an idol on your heart.

Sometimes the wisest and best investment you can make in keeping your house in order is to push the laundry off the bed and make love to your husband.

Or, if you want to do the super-clean house thing, more power to you.  Just don’t let it get in the way of connecting sexually with your husband on a fairly regular basis.

5. The kids will hear us.

First of all, are you certain they will hear you?

Most kids, once they are asleep, are indeed asleep, traipsing through dream land without a care in the world about your sexual escapades two doors down the hallway.

If you still are concerned, then take a few precautions.

Shut and lock the bedroom door, put some music on, try to be more discreet with your shrills of ecstasy, invest in a good bed that won’t creak. Get creative about planning times to occasionally have sex when the kids are eating cookie dough at grandma’s or enjoying a play date at a friend’s house.

And if they do interrupt you (funny story about us here), then see it as bump in the road rather than a complete derailment of your intimacy for the evening.

Sure, the kids may hear you at some point.  But no matter their age, it’s a great opportunity to have some age-appropriate conversations with your kids about sex.

It’s completely okay to tell younger children that mommy and daddy need some alone time and that no one is getting hurt.

It’s totally appropriate to tell pre-teen kids and teenagers that sex is a healthy and enjoyable part of marriage.  (If the teens hear you having sex, my guess is they will never let you know; but you still need to have the conversations with them).

There you have it — what I see as the 5 worst excuses for not having sex.  (Notice I didn’t include “I have a headache” as one of the excuses.  Hey, if you have that many headaches, you need to see a doctor right away. Like, right away.)

If sexual intimacy in your marriage is dying on the mountainside of the above 5 excuses, are you really okay with that?

I would be willing to bet your husband isn’t.

Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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47 thoughts on “5 Worst Excuses for Not Having Sex

  1. John says:

    I still say the worst excuse I’ve ever heard is:

    “The dog is acting funny.”

    Keeping in mind that the dog in question is a 10 year old, 90 pound lab whose favorite pastime (in which he spends 90% of his day) is sleeping like a lump in the middle of the floor (any floor, hard or soft, usually smack dab in the middle of the room), snoring like a pig.

    I asked “funny in what way?” She said: “He’s snoring different.”

    So, you don’t want to have sex because a dog is snoring different.

    I already know the kids are more important than me. Church is more important than me. TV, cleaning the house, her friends, her activities, and just about everything else in the dang world is more important than me. Now I know that how a dog snores is more important than me.

    Thanks for the info.

    I slept on the couch that night.

  2. Maisie says:

    I didn’t realize it, Kevin. When I finally ‘got it’ because hubby kindly & patiently explained it to me (with no blame!), I felt terrible. It can still make me tear up…

    John, I’m sure all these things are not more important than you. She probably can’t explain what is going on inside – why is she clutching at straws for arguments…

  3. Sherry says:

    I am 59 & my husband 56. We have only been marriage 2 years Oct.22. My husband never seems to want to have sex. We did marriage counsling and this topic came up. Him saying once or twice a week would be good, and I agreed. Well that has never happened. I told him he has lied to me. We are both strong Christians. I have spoke to him so many times about this and it seems to make it worse. I have told him how I feel and that it is not good for our marriage. It falls on death ears. It has been over 2 months now. I have asked him all the right questions. The longer I had to wait the more angry and bitter I become. We love each other very much, and he shows me in every other way. Please help. Thx…

  4. Keisha says:

    I think most of us have used one of those, but it should not be often. I have told my husband our children were awake and our five year old had just learned to unlock doors with a penny, but if he could figure out a way to prevent that from even possibly happening, I was game. LOL. I try not to use excuses. The headache one? I get lots, including migraines. Told my husband a headache is no excuse normally, but if I am throwing up from it, just don’t ask. LOL

  5. sally J says:

    Oh please, enough with the “woe is me” attitude. Get over yourselves men. Maybe, if it didn’t seem like just another person/chore for the woman to have to do, then she might be a little more game. Constantly begging or nagging for sex is just about the most annoying thing. After working a full time job and caring for the kids (the cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands it goes on and on), how on earth could anyone expect a wife to be raring to go? If by chance, the wife gets a few precious minutes to herself in the evening (after packing lunches and finishing laundry), why would you think she’d want to spend it pleasing someone else, instead of taking a relaxing bath or watching her show? Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to take care of everyone else? I’d like to know how a husband would feel after walking a week in his wife’s shoes. Just how would he feel then?

  6. JulieSibert says:

    @sally J … you sound bitter and resentful. I’m sorry to hear that. If you are married, I wonder what your husband’s viewpoint is on sex.

    The reality is that sex is part of marriage and he can’t (morally) go get it elsewhere. I’m always curious if wives who are indifferent or unavailable sexually would be fine if their husband went and had sex with someone else, so the wife wouldn’t have to deal with that “chore” as she sees it. My guess is she would not be okay with this. Yet she’s fine continually denying him.

    I’m not discounting that life is demanding and tiring, but if there is no room to nurture a marriage (on all fronts of intimacy), then what are two people really left with once those kids are raised?

    These are the types of things people should really think about before they get married. Are they willing to nurture the relationship? Are they willing to strive for a strong healthy marriage, rather than one that just exists?

    To look at sex as just a “negotiable” that can constantly be pushed to the bottom of the list (or off the list completely) really isn’t the best approach right?

    If you and your husband need to work better at balancing and sharing the responsibilities of running the home, then talk about this. Be committed to being on the same team. The tone of your comment is more adversarial… like the husband is this inconvenience who happens to live with you.

    Just some thoughts.

  7. sally J says:

    I’m not married and have absolutely no desire for society’s current view on marriage. One of the (many) issues I have with religion and more specifically, Christianity, is this archaic notion that women are subservient to men and are generally, there to serve and please their husbands. The gender roles limiting women to a basic function of “wife” yet attempting to be with the times and “allow” women to also have careers (so long as they put out for their husbands, regardless of their own feelings), are downright ridiculous and offensive.

    Eliminate gender roles, stop teaching boys to “be a man”, and stop expecting (keyword: expecting) your wives to do things for their husbands because it’s their “duty.” Start teaching couples to be PARTNERS in everything and to consider what both people need to in order to want sex and you might see a lot less discord in the marital bed.

    I can tell you, if I was married and came home after a long day at work, and found dinner on the table and the kids’ homework done, had my husband clean up after dinner while I bathe the kids, he would be getting some serious playtime between the sheets. How many wives who are never in the mood truly have partnerships like this? Not too many, I’d bet. As soon as men stop expecting and start participating and helping their wives, they’ll probably find themselves getting a bit more attention in the bedroom. Husbands should not be another person for a wife to take care of. Nothing is sexier than a man who will vacuum and disinfect the bathroom without being asked and who is sensitive to a lady’s needs.

  8. JulieSibert says:

    @sally J … well, the fact you aren’t married explains a lot about your comment (the first comment and the second one).

    Thanks though for commenting.

  9. nadja says:

    Hi I am new to your site. I had to make a comment. I have been married for two years I do not know but maybe I am still in the honey moon period.I see both points of view. I have to agree with sally J.I am a medical doctor and on call sometimes for 72 hours. When I leave work I ache all over and I feel like a truck ran over me I would never be in the mood to make love. I must say my husband is also a doctor but he is in the ER so he works shifts. When I am call he cooks, and washes. He sometimes brings me dinner. My husband joins me in the kitchen he helps whenever he can always. I must say this makes it much easier in the bed room because I know he loves me, he doesn’t think I am his slave and his helping ensures am not always tired. I strongly believe that men should try to understand that women are not robots but human beings as well. My husband says marriage is a partnership he believes that we help each other and that we are a team he says there is really no role per say it is really working together and completing each other where ever the other is lacking you help. I am told by most women I meet, that I am truly blessed! On the other hand women make excuses to not have sex that is also not a good thing. I watched as this caused my parents marriage to breakdown.

    I believe if you truly love your partner you will do things to make each other happy, you would not want to burden the other. I do not think that its one way thing and that women should be subservient. I really do not think that is what the Lord intended. I think as a couple we work as a unit that includes in the bedroom.

  10. Maisie says:

    I’d just like to add, having read Sally J’s comments & Nadja’s, that my husband and I are egalitarian Christians & I am therefore not ‘subservient’ to him. We are a team and our goal is mutual encouragement. He was nevertheless the high-er drive spouse, and I wasn’t taking his feelings into account. He never nagged, begged or blamed. Our discussion covered the reasons why I was losing interest in sex, and what I thought would help the situation. We are both delighted with the results !! The other week I was tired three nights in a row and said so – he just shrugged and said that was ok. I queried that the third night – he just said he knew I was exhausted and that I wouldn’t let it go on for very long. He trusts me now. I guess the first post sounded rather one-sided.

  11. Reba says:

    I have a comment on the “I need to clean the house” excuse. Some of us are more bothered by messes than others. I’m claustrophobic, so clutter inhales my energy like a vacuum inhales pennies. I have relaxed about this some over the years, but what really makes a difference is keeping our bedroom free of clutter. The room designated for lovemaking is a calm, peaceful place for me.

    Also, for those who feel valued by accomplishments, we feel a deep sense of failure as we never achieve a clean house. We take very seriously our responsibility to manage the household and we face defeat every day. So what may seem like a lame excuse to avoid sex could actually be a significant source of angst. For husbands who are primary wage earners, consider how you would feel if every day you were told you failed at your job. I am not saying a clean house is more important than sexual intimacy. I am saying there may be more to this “excuse” than you realize.

  12. Anne says:

    I agree with Sally on a lot of counts. Julie, a lot of times I don’t think you are being realistic or sensitive towards women in your write ups. You are trying to reach women but you won’t if it appears like you are taking sides. Everyone’s marriage is different and if spouses want more intimacy there is so much more to address than the five points you have raised. Like Sally said if she came home to less chores… you can fill in the rest Julie. I must confess I am blessed to have a husband like mine. And I wish more men would rightly interprete the excuses they think their wives are making and help their wives out rather than thinking of getting intimacy outside thereby adding to the lot that objectify women. I think it’s a pretty low analogy to act out or on. It’s also the easy way out and not justified in anyway. There are greater issues that mankind faces.

    It is typical of man to search out the easy way out. Maybe you should start telling parents to bring up their sons properly…to be selfless and esteem others including women above themselves and the world will be a better place. My mother – in – law did just that.

  13. JulieSibert says:

    @Anne … Thank you for your comment and for stopping by. I do appreciate the dialogue. Thank you!

    Whenever I write, I do so in a way that I trust the reader will filter what I write through their own experience and see what applies. The reality is that it would be difficult to write a post that covers all situations and circumstances, because you are right that each marriage is unique.

    There are husbands out there who are indeed helping around the house, being sacrificial and supporting their wives in countless ways, and yet the wives are still indifferent about sexual intimacy. The reality is that sometimes excuses are just that… excuses. Sometimes it is the wife who is the one being careless with the marriage.

    I find it interesting that in one breath you overgeneralize and say “It is typical of man to search out the easy way out,” yet you recognize that your husband is not that way. Mine isn’t either. Could it be there are other husbands out there that are like your husband and mine? Likely.

    And could it be that there are husbands out there that are careless and insensitive? Yup. This is true too. I have friends in difficult marriages, so I’m not naive about this reality.

    This brings me back to my first point. I write a lot of different posts on different topics relevant to marriage and sex. I pray they challenge people to look at their marriage and see if any of the points I make stir in them things they want to do differently in their marriage to make it stronger, whether they are the husband or the wife.

    You may want to check out my latest post in that regard: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2014/10/25/are-you-doing-your-job-in-your-marriage/

    As for your suggestion that I start telling parents to bring up their sons properly, I’d have to be writing a parenting blog to do that. I write a blog on sexual intimacy in marriage.

    The beauty of the blogging world is that people are never forced to read anything. If my blog offends someone, I trust that they will simply move on to find a blog that better fits their situation.

    If I’ve ever written anything on my blog that contradicts biblical principles, I would welcome someone to share that with me.

    Thanks again Anne! I am glad you stopped by.

  14. Anne says:

    Julie, just clarifying that when I wrote ‘it’s typical of man to search out the easy way out, ‘ I was referring to mankind and not just ‘men’. It wasn’t a typo. I pray for the sake of the church there are more husbands like mine. I knew your husband was like mine immediately I read your blog. It’s why you write the way you do. And it’s easy to be insensitive when you don’t have bad experiences in your marriage.

    I don’t think you’d have to write a parenting blog to take my suggestions though. The beauty about writing is that it can be tailored to suit any audience. Writer’s know how to do that and if you want to help couples become more sexual intimate, you’d do so by getting to root causes of a lack of it, one of which is poor upbringing with an entitlement mentality.

    I agree that it’s possible that there are men who are supporting their wives and yet their wives are still indifferent about sexual intimacy but they’ll be such a rare minority that you’d need to look for them in a museum or an endangered species zone.

    Why?

    Because if a man loves his wife, like his own body, the way Christ loves the church,he’ll get love and lots of it in return.

    Sexual intimacy thrives in those atmospheres.

    What would Jesus do?

    Go out on a wife who’s turned off sexual intimacy?

    No!

    Christ can be trusted and it’s one of the reasons generation after generation submits to Him.

    You want Biblical principles?

    Christ first loved us.

    We love Him because He first loved…

    For God so loved the world, He gave…

    put yourself in the women you’re trying to reach shoes’.

    You will come across as more real, true, and sensitive..

    I’m not going to comment after this not because I don’t have more to say but I don’t want it to seem like I’m infringing on your cyberspace….

  15. Dave says:

    “I agree that it’s possible that there are men who are supporting their wives and yet their wives are still indifferent about sexual intimacy but they’ll be such a rare minority that you’d need to look for them in a museum or an endangered species zone.”

    I think there will be many many men out there that would take issue with this. This implies that the only reason for sexual indifference is a husband is is not supportive, demanding and insensitive.

    Are there men like that out there? Sure, yes.

    But there are just as many stories of men who feel like they have sacrificed so much to please/be sensitive to/support their wives and who receive refusal and serious gate-keeping in return?

    Are these men perfect? No, but I think they deserve understanding and affirmation of doing everything they can and still falling short in the eyes of the woman they love.

    It is unfair of you to assume that because you have not experienced it, it is “rare” and ready for the museum.

    “Because if a man loves his wife, like his own body, the way Christ loves the church,he’ll get love and lots of it in return”

    I wish that mankind worked this way, but it is not always so.

  16. landschooner says:

    Sally J has no idea what shes talking about. But then again, she isn’t a believer so her perspective is off.

    @Anne – “I agree that it’s possible that there are men who are supporting their wives and yet their wives are still indifferent about sexual intimacy but they’ll be such a rare minority that you’d need to look for them in a museum or an endangered species zone.

    Why?

    Because if a man loves his wife, like his own body, the way Christ loves the church,he’ll get love and lots of it in return.”

    In Revelation 2 and 3 Jesus, the perfect husband to His bride the church talks about Ephesus losing her first love and about Laodicea being lukewarm.

    So no, I disagree with your statement. I don’t believe its rare at all, especially in terms of the bedroom. Its quite common for other forms of love to be in place but to have the bedroom neglected, resisted, or even refused.

    And it does go for both genders but the the split is something like 70/30 or 60/40 wife/husband as the refusers or gatekeepers.

    LS

  17. Jason says:

    Sally J – I have a question. What lead a person who has a problem with Chrisianity, marriage and sex to read a blog about Christian marriage and sex? I’m not saying this to be unwelcoming, because I know that Julie welcomes all readers to her blog. I am just curious about what lead you here, to a place dedicated to that which you abhor and that makes you feel the need to lash out at others in the very first sentence of your comment.

    What Julie says in this article is true. Withholding sex from your spouse is sinful. The Bible says, in 1 Corinthians 7:2b-5

    2b each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    So, for a blog about Christian marriage and sex, there is a clear basis for the truths that Julie is saying. Making excuses that deprive your spouse of sex is selfish and sinful. Serving your spouse in all ways, both sexually an otherwise, is every married Christians privilege. Sex is not to be used as a bargaining chip or for punishment or reward. It is to be freely given, just as Christ’s grace and forgiveness are given to us, even though we are undeserving.

    Julie – keep up the amazing, truthful work. Your blog is a great resource for married Christians who seek better intimacy in their marriages.

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  19. Jack says:

    I got one ” my pants were so hard to get in , I don’t want to take them off ” .. Really? Well my work clothes were real hard to get on at 430 am …

  20. Kyle says:

    Yeah, a lot of the excuses are crap..it all leads back to the fact that if it’s something you really wanted to do then you would make time for it. We’re all selfish by nature, some people expect to be served without equal or any serving in return. In my own marriage there is a lot of push pull going on. I work more hours than my wife, and she gets really moody if the house is not in perfect order, she literally sometimes thinks I’m going to stay up late just to clean while her days off are spent doing other things. When the focus of our relationship seems to be complaining about what’s not right around us and pointing the finger at the other, that puts sex pretty far down the list..

  21. Troy says:

    Hello, I’ve been married for 16 years and have two teenagers. For quite sometime the sex has been very off and on( mostly off) sometimes not happening for a month – month and a half. My wife says I’m always in a bad mood and that’s her main reason. Sprinkle in the occasional I’m tired or we will and it never happens. She will very rarely initiate. My daughter always questions why my wife says I’m in a bad mood. We have a chronically I’ll son which causes stress but it’s something we’ve dealt with for 16 years and she’s not the only one involved. I work full time usually long hours. My job is stressful . I do most of the cooking and spend my two days off doing choirs around the house or running errands. My wife works from home and is trying to start her own business. If I bring up the sex thing it’s ” your always in a bad mood I can’t sleep with somebody who’s in a bad mood or get a girlfriend then or that always your complaint ” . I just don’t know what to do?! I’m extremely sexually frustrated !

  22. Omar says:

    WELL I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YRS COME FEB, AND IM IN MY 40’s AND I’M OLD FASHION, BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE NEED TO HAVE CONSIDERATION FOR EACHOTHERS TIME AND BE PATIENT…IT’S A 2 WAY STREET….2 PPL HAVE TO COME TO A COMMON GROUND….BUT HAVING SEX ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH IS CONSIDERED A SEXLESS MARRIAGE AND THAT’S A PROVEN FACT AND A SEXLESS MARRIAGE IS A USELESS MARRIAGE, A WASTE OF EACHOTHERS TIME…SOME EVEN USE “MUNCHAUSEN SYNDROME” IF YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS….TOO MANY EXCUSES!!!!!

  23. Mustapha says:

    Hi, I will like to ask what is the purpose or origin of a marriage. I believe it is either religious or cultural meaning in most religions or cultures having sex before marriage or being in a relationship that won’t lead to marriage is frowned upon. So the basic fundamental of marriage is sex because you don’t want to have kids out of wedlock but you have to have sex to have kids. So I question the agenda of women in marriage. As some women have said they have to clean cook take care of the kids etc and then don’t have time to have sex or please anyone and all of a sudden the basic fundamental of marriage is put aside. In my opinion you tricked your husband into getting what you wanted and he isn’t important anymore. He is suddenly inconsiderate for thinking he and his wife have fallen in love and chosen each other to be in an exclusive sexual relationship and you are surprised he is complaining he isn’t getting any. Note I am not saying that is the sole purpose of marriage but it has a high level of importance. Women talk as if while they are cooking and cleaning the man is sitting there relaxing watching tv and doing nothinG. If a man actually sat down and did nothing he will be considered a bum and not a man worthy of being a husband and that is right in my opinion so in my opinion if a woman is not participating in sex with her husband it is the same thing Men also go out there and try to make ends meet and that isn’t easy either but we still make time to have sex so whether we switch roles or not we will still want to have sex. I have the same problem but whenever my wife decides she wants to have another child we have Sex 5 times a day until she gets pregnant. My opinion women use and abuse you tovget what they want out of a marriage then play the equal rights card when it is convenient for them and use the being the woman card with an inconsiderate man when it is convenient.

  24. Scott says:

    Yeah my wife has used all these and a hundred others. It’s always on her terms. Even told her it’s making me feel unwanted. Newest one is that I go too long to finish and she prefers a “wam bam thank you maam”. Wtf!!! I’ll never cheat but I will eventually give up trying…

  25. dan says:

    Although I am not Christian, I have heard all about having migraines.
    Tonite, she was able to get her hair done at 7:30 tonite. When she wanted a child, it was 2x a day at least.
    I’ve heard the obligation speech and get a girlfriend !
    She can do everything else with a migraine! I bring in the rent, paid for her last 5 cars, done dishes etc drive my son to activities and she’s still tired! Guess what? Now it’s because I “made” her lease her new car and now it’s “tit for tat is it?
    Oh it’s never personal the rejections so don’t take it personally !
    Really? No wonder guys go shopping elsewhere!

  26. Gabriel says:

    All of these excuses are the same here. Out of the 9 years of marriage an average month is 0 – 1 in a year maybe 6 to 8….I cook, I clean, laundry, take care of the kid and tend to her hand and foot. Every since she has lost 180lbs, sex is less and less…. I’m starting to feel like I am not worth a damn.

  27. Starting Again says:

    I have to agree unfortunately there are to many excuses. heck my wife has had to much pain, to tired, house dirty, sheets to clean, bad back ect….. Why not just the truth? I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, you don’t turn me on and then deal with it. Why make excuses? Why not be honest? Been going through this for years, yet it was my wife who had an affair a few years back with a total deadbeat. We stayed together and like any other idiot male or female who stayed after an affair, I began doing most of the chores ect. News flash: If they cheat they just wanted it from someone else. The result has been even less sex. Bottom line: If someone wants and desires sex they will do it. If they don’t they won’t. My choices? Deal with it or split. Dealt with it and the result is depression and feeling totally rejected and worthless. I’m no Greek god but have been told I am not bad to look at . I am a decent guy don’t lie or cheat and endevour to please a woman. I have been worried that I will be totally broke and in my mid 50’s. but female and male co-workers and friends tell me there may be plenty of cool women out there who might like a guy who does chores and likes to give massages who actually enjoys seeing a woman feeling pleasure. So it’s adios. The fun part will be to hear her or other women post about how their men leave them in middle age then. I mean what fun is sex anyway if you know our partner really only feels it’s a duty and they are doing YOU a favor by letting You give THEM a massage! One last thing. For people who bash Christianity with things like Sally does, it might be good to actually read the Bible first before your ignorance is put into writing for all to see.

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  29. William t says:

    If I knew I would be rejected sex this often I would have stayed single.
    No sex = rejection.

    Thank God for Internet porn

  30. Daniel says:

    Hi I’m Daniel I just have a qwik question, is it better for me to be lonely, uneeded,unwanted alone? Or be lonely living with the person (wife) who make me feel like that everyday no intamacy in years things like ” I don’t want to talk about it” (sex) don’t touch me, she puts a pillow between us in bed, I’m pretty sure I know the answer (divorse) it’s just that I’m a little older now 55 and I’m scared what if no would be interested in me, I would LOVE to have a Godly pretty woman who actually wants to sit with me or just be intamate with me wouldn’t that be WONDERFUL ?

  31. Ssgt says:

    I often feel my marriage is nothing more than a live in friendship. There were times that we didn’t have any intimacy, at all. One time was for over a year. That wasn’t even the time I was deployed. Her mom bragged all the time about how she purposefully held out on my wife’s step dad. I think that really influenced my wife. During that time, I cannot tell you my intention was to stay faithful, but I did. I was ready to throw in the towel, many times. Even still, if we engage more than twice a month, it’s a VERY rare occasion. Usually once every month or two. There’s always a reason given as to why not. There is this guy that she talks about, in front of me, to her mom and sister. She swears he is just a friend (they’ve all met him), but I have never met him. She texts him, by her own words, every day. I want to look at her phone and see what’s being said, but I also don’t want to invade her privacy. It’s like, if something IS going on, I don’t know if I want to know.
    I love her, but sometimes I feel like I’m just a pay check. And for the record, many instances, after I work all day, I am the one that cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids. I have almost filed for divorce, but I don’t want it to end. There’s a reason we got married and want to stay with her. But, every time I try to initiate intimacy, I’m almost always shut down. When she does wake me at some 01:00 to do it, I almost want to tell her no, because I have to be up at 03:00 for work. And I don’t get in bed until usually 21:00 or later.
    Being in the military has created a rift between us. My mindset is, apparently, egregiously different than hers. I want to quit.

  32. My name says:

    @sallyJ the reason your not married is because no man on this planet would want you being a total psycho judgmental clown. I agree with the other person why the hell.did you make comments on this when your against everything it’s about. You want a man in your life to be a servant it sounds like and then one in. While he gets his treat

    . I’m a guy who works night I see my wife one day a week yes she takes care of the kids but look this way at least she sees them. We both do equal.work but the one day were together there’s usually a excuse for not wanting to be intimate and the day were together is Saturday which is one of error days off. She Mages excuses everto weekend it seems. But seriously stays up till midnight or later watching TV or onot her phone. I’ve talked to her about it done all sorts of things to help her and be sweet and intimate and suppose her with different things but it gets me nowhere.

  33. Also My Name says:

    I agree with My Name. Yes I respect my wife’s wishes that we don’t make love but why does it come down to one person to decide if we do? Someone earlier in the thread mentioned doing things to make each other happy. Well in my relationship that seems to be one way traffic. I didn’t get married for sex, or course not, but the absence of it is putting a huge strain on us.

  34. Dan says:

    The comment I get ,it’s been so long now I feel awkward.
    I feel that at some point I need to realize my hopes are gone . And maybe she wants to be left alone. Because when I’m thrown aside as piece of house furniture with no more use , I need to go ,leave . But at the same time i don’t want to put another minute in another relationship . I’ve been married only once. I will not ever get married or even have another girlfriend again .I feel women think it’s only them that matter.and as long as their needs are met,the purpose for their man is for filled . The end

  35. Frank says:

    These excuses grow tired quickly!! I do everything I can to pitch in at home and look after myself by eating well and going to the gym. I constantly ask my wife (of almost 17 years) to be honest about how she feels about sex, that she doesn’t like it. She never will be as she knows that it is a deal breaker. The best thing to do is to keep bringing it up with her and point out how long it has been sex and how little effort she puts into it. Yes, she will get angry and try to shout you down, but what will she do??? Withhold sex from you? Wait a minute…. She’s already doing that!!! Keep bringing it up, you have nothing to lose, and the day you walk out, it will dawn on her how her attitude towards sex has destroyed the marriage. She is counting on you being content with scraps of passionless leg overs whenever she feels like using a human vibrator and not speaking up about it. She has no right to impose celibacy onto you. Marriage is an equal partnership. Work on yourself lads… hit the gym, get some new clothes, make new friends and take up a hobby. Maybe other ladies will notice you. You can still be a good Dad to your kids, show your wives you are taking steps to move on should she still consider that household chores, friends and TV shows are more important than you. The worst thing you can do is accept the situation of a sexless marriage. If she says sex is no big deal… tell her that means she will have no problem with an open marriage then. This will cause her to become enraged exposing her double standards and that it is indeed a big deal to her. Call them out on their hypocrisy. If your wife doesn’t work…. cut her off so she can’t have coffee with the girls or get her hair done at your expense, don’t treat her to dinner nights etc. You have no obligation to do any of that. Again… what’s she going to do? Withhold sex?? I would even get priced up on a divorce so you have all the information you will need to know what you are in for should you walk out. Knowledge is power. I’ve had my wife tell me I would be destroying the family if I walk out on her. I called her out on this telling her that she can’t and will not blackmail me into staying in a poor relationship. I pointed out that it will be only her I will walk out on and that I will still be a father to our children and that we are setting a poor example of marriage for our children anyway. I found out that life is too short to miss on the best pleasures in life!! If you do make the decision… Make sure you own it!!

  36. Gavin says:

    If you don’t want to have sex don’t get married. Guys look for the right woman make sure you make sex a priority up front. If your not happy in your marriage, relationship etc. then get out find someone you can be happy with life is to short move on.

  37. Dan says:

    To Frank n Gavin I agree but feel bad if I leave, you see she hasn’t been intamate with me over 10 years we have been married 36 years, and 6 years into our marriage she opened up and told me she had been sexually abused as a child, so that’s why she has issues regarding sex, however she has asked me to sleep in other room about a year now and I think I know why which is why I’m resentful towards her, she likes sleeping by herself because she’s masterbating in there! I’m like wait a minute you told me that you don’t like sex, but of course she denies it so as wierd as it sounds one night I left my phone in our bedroom and recorded her sleeping oh my goodness while I’m sleeping in other room she’s really busy if you know what I mean, and that really cuts me to my soul cuz I don’t know what to do as she still denies it, she lies to me I’m starting to realize I don’t know this person, please guys if you read this can you throw me some advice please, oh one more thing we are both Christians so I’m devastated

  38. Nunia Bizness says:

    Ive been sleeping on the couch every night. It is so much easier. I get some decent sleep!
    I’m not staying awake all night, battling myself trying to “not touch my wife” lying next to me. Plus her goofy cats running around all night doesn’t help.
    I’ve resorted to having a few drinks, a lil TV, then crashing on the couch.
    I’ve been doing this for nearly two years. We rarely have any form of sex. I quit trying. The roller coaster just isn’t worth it. I take care of my own needs which pretty boring really!
    Apparently that how most women want to live these days; separate yet in the same house.
    Just celebrated our 31 years. 30 of those years was maybe sex once a month then declining as those years fell away. I haven’t any idea if we will ever get together anymore.
    It’s all up to her as usual but I’m tired of the anger and frustration eating away my mind every second of every moment in life. It just doesn’t ever go away so I’ve pulled myself away. It really wasn’t difficult to pull away because like a lot of women, she pushed me away and created a large distance between us so it was easy.
    I’m sure there will be a female reader on here that’s gonna try to set me straight. Save it !!
    I’ve done it all and did everything possible to bring happiness while I got stepped on.
    Even now I’m about to leave for work while she stays home. I can’t wait to go work these days cuz at least there I don’t have to hear her yelling. I’m a very mellow guy. I don’t let most things bother me but when it comes to marriage I choose to love hard! I don’t expect another person to be like me but I do expect at least “something”. Displaying no effort means you don’t care. If you do not care then surely do not love!
    We are just Two roommates living together.

  39. Larry B says:

    @ Nunia Bizzness:

    The sexual refuser or gatekeeper is pursuing a lose-lose proposition. You are correct that when one spouse routinely denies the other sexual intimacy it is because he/she does not care or does not care enough for the other person.

    Any sexual refusers within their marriage reading these posts needs to face the fact that they are seriously – in many cases, irreparably – harming their marriages for both their spouse and for themselves.

  40. iratherbeanonymous says:

    I have to say, reading these articles and posts is tiring because my wife needs the wisdom but I doubt she’s seeking it. Watching TV, reading books, figuring out how to care for our child, and now a second pregnancy – sex and general intimacy doesn’t happen. Most of our hugs, even before she was pregnant, were support hugs (mostly me to her) instead of passion hugs. My wife seems to think that being preoccupied with anything but her marriage to me is ok and/or too hard of a philosophy to overcome. Stressed. Very.

  41. Ivehearditall says:

    Okay, I get where a lot of you are coming from and I agree. First off I am a man that has been married for almost 7 years now. I have seen my wife through the month long recovery of a surgery(no I didn’t ask for sex during this time as a human should be sensitive to another humans needs), and have seen her through the death of both of her parents. I can honestly say that I work a 40 hour week on my feet walking 15 miles a night, turn around and come home to do all of the house work 98% of the time. My mother told me growing up that when I marry if I pictch in and do “MY SHARE” of the house work, that mabey I would get what I need. To me this sounds like an exchange…like this for that. To me it’s liken to prostitution. Not cool man. If you love someone sex is not on the basis of “Deserving.” It is on the basis of love and respect for each other. Societies view on infidelity is that this only occurs if one has relations with another man or a woman in wedlock. I agree but must add that infidelity is ALSO refusing your spouse sexual intimacy and expecting them to have eyes for you and to have sex with you and only you, then turn and refuse you 9/10 times. This is the boat that I am in. Everyone else gets the best and I get the scraps…the bad attitude, being screamed at 3 feet from my face on several occasions. How about cancelling our anniversary trip for her family members party and yes no sex on the anniversary. This load of crap is immoral. I’ve heard all of the excuses. She talks of having a baby. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am not someone’s means to get what they want and toss me to the side. I am so close to leaving if it weren’t for a place to go. Yes her and I both work a job. I do work more hours. I’ve heard the “I’m too tired” but not for my Kindle or Facebook at all hours of the night into the morning. Hmm who is she trying to fool. I have been the man that has bought flowers because she loves them. I have given plenty of time to listen and try to meet her needs to the best of my ability. No matter what there is always something that I am wrong about or not good enough. Selfishness is the root of marital destruction. Unless some real effort takes place here I am done trying and can only take care of and be true to myself even if it means divorce.

  42. David says:

    I’m like many above. Together 17 years, 1st of 4 children 16 years, married 15 years. From the moment pregnancy came after a good fun 3 months together, sex became an issue and something I got rather than we have together. The whole relationship changed and has never been about us as a couple since. I believe regardless of children you should remain a couple, a partnership working together on all aspects of life and defining roles in the home together. To live without sex is basically becoming friends, it’s the thing the defines a couple from not just friends to being a couple. I’ve worked hard to provide and tried to work together but she literally appears to be like a single parent with a man in the house. I’ve brought it up in conversation but makes any issue I make into me moaning which leaves me feeling like I’m moaning. I can’t leave my children, I never wanted to be a part time Dad. If I did leave I couldn’t afford to live with all the child maintenance to pay as she starved me of sex until she wanted another child every 5 years. Unfortunately now, I’m ill living with fibromyalgia (after 25 years as a musician and music teacher) and can’t work so I’m trapped feeling useless, loveless and no way out. What is the answer now???

    David

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