Husbands Who Deny Sex and the Wives Who Suffer

sexually denied wives

sexually denied wives

Occasionally, people think I land too much on the side of husbands when it comes to denial of sex.

Many of my posts do indeed encourage wives to be more sexually available and interested.

I do have a page on my site, though, devoted to Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It.

Maybe a page isn’t enough, and I should write more often on this topic on the blog. I am sensitive to the pain many women are suffering when their husbands reject them sexually.

Today I want to hopefully give some insights to men on what happens when a wife wants more sex and her husband is either carelessly indifferent or blatantly antagonistic about such desires.

If you are a husband who denies your wife sex, have you considered the toll this is taking on your wife and your marriage?

The pain is compounded by the fact that a wife in this scenario feels incredibly isolated and alone among her peers.  After all, every time she is in a gathering of women and the topic of sex comes up, the majority of the gals in the room are likely commiserating (eye rolls included) that they can’t keep their husbands off them.  Their husbands want sex a lot.

A husband who wants sex a lot?  That’s foreign territory to her. So she offers up a half-hearted laugh to give the impression she can relate.

But she can’t relate.

Her closest friends likely have no clue and she is hesitant to let them in on her struggle, because she doubts they would have any consolation to offer.  Plus, she’s possibly embarrassed and riddled with self doubt.

While I know that husbands also experience self-doubt when rejected, for a sexually rejected wife the circumstances are tainted by the huge emphasis our society puts on women’s physical beauty.

Even with a boatload of common sense rationale, we women can easily slip into a mode of comparing ourselves against some completely unrealistic standard.

Weight, physique, hair color, hair style, clothing, breast size, muscle tone, complexion, make-up, eye color, and so forth… advertisers and entertainment seem to have an eagle’s eye on how to capitalize on a women’s insecurities when it comes to her degree of “sexiness.”

But nothing stings more than to have the very man she married not desire her sexually.

A husband may think that sex “is no big deal” to a wife, especially if he has believed wholeheartedly everything his friends and evening sitcoms have told him.   He may even think he is doing his wife a favor by not expressing interest in her sexually.

For the wife who does want sexual connection with her husband, his indifference or unwillingness to address the topic is particularly baffling and exasperating.

She wants you.  And she wants you to want her.

If you as a husband are struggling with issues that make sex difficult, please invest in your marriage and address these issues.

Is there a physical issue that could be contributing to your low desire?

Physical issues can range from low hormonal levels to the effects of aging to the use of various medications.  Are you concerned about your ability to get and maintain an erection?  Do you think avoiding sex all together will make this matter less taxing on your relationship? It won’t.

If there is a physical cause (or if you don’t know), visit your health care professional.  Don’t be embarrassed. Be honest.  Doctors are trained and are more well-versed than many of us realize on what could be going on inside the human body.

If your doctor does not seem to understand the depth of your concern and is offering no valuable insights, get another opinion.  With regard to medications, certainly do not begin or stop any medications, prescription or otherwise, without consulting a doctor.

Are there emotional scars causing your lack of sexual interest in your wife?

If you were ever sexually abused and have never sought counsel and healing for this tragedy committed against you, I implore you to find healing.  Many, many men have been sexually abused, yet some still feel hesitant to talk about this pain.  But for the health of your marriage, you owe it to yourself and your wife to gain a right perspective on sexual intimacy and to heal from any past pain.

Are you struggling with pornography or sexual indiscretion?

Again, these are not insurmountable obstacles on the road toward healthy sexual intimacy with your wife — but, you have to be willing to walk in the direction of repentance and health.

Are you depressed? Overwhelmed? Stressed out about work?

Whatever is causing your sexual dis-interest, stop ignoring it.  Start dealing with it.

To sexually-refused wives, I’m saddened by your pain.  If you haven’t already, I encourage you to express to your husband (either verbally or through a letter or both) that you love him and are committed to the two of you working on strengthening all aspects of intimacy in the marriage.

Tell him it’s not just about the sex, but about feeling deeply connected with him.

If he is resistant to addressing the matter, go to counseling, even if you have to go on your own.  It will likely give you some unbiased insights and will at the same time demonstrate to your husband that you are doing all you can to bring healing to the marriage.

Pray for your marriage, including sex, and find at least 2 other mature Christian women who will pray with you.  These should be women who will not bash your husband and will keep all conversations in confidence.

The longer I speak and write about sexual intimacy in marriage, the more aware I am of what a sensitive area of marriage sex is.  It can be the source of profound connection and understanding and safety — and a place of deep chasm and discord and miscommunication.

Whether you are a husband or a wife, if sex in your marriage is not a mutually-vauled and nurtured aspect of your marriage, consider what would happen if it was.  I know that some of you reading this may think I place too much value on what sex means to a marriage.

I would argue that too many marriages place too little value on it.

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

139 thoughts on “Husbands Who Deny Sex and the Wives Who Suffer

  1. D says:

    I am soo sorry to all you ladies, I’m the husband that has been denied for several years and when I read your stories it’s like food to my heart I mean you see when a man is being denied its like he’s literally starving for food well that’s how I feel anyway so when I read your issues I really can’t understand saying “no” to making love, intamacy, holding hands turning the car radio off just to talk I mean really talk you see I haven’t felt seen or tasted any of that for so long I forgot what it was like to hear my wife orgasm, as she won’t let me touch her anyway I want to say I’m sorry for what you’re going through, I can’t fathom saying no to any of you , I’m sorry but I’m starving I don’t mean to be rude , well anyway I’m praying for all you ladies and I’m sure you’re all very beautiful and soft to look at and talk to, God Bless you all “D””

  2. Jimmy J says:

    @Mrc

    “With that ability to ‘deny’ sexuality of any kind, it also didn’t exactly go over well with the ladies”

    I know what you mean. It seems like women want to enjoy the privilege and power trip of denying their men affection at any time for any reason whatsoever, and men are expected to accept this without complaint, maybe even have a humble sense of humor about it – think of all those classic “Not tonight dear, I have a headache” jokes about women denying men sex. But God forbid if men should ever do the same thing to women, because then suddenly it’s no longer a laughing matter but instead a major humanitarian crisis, since women vainly expect that males should always have insatiable desires for females. I think females grow up believing in fairy tales about all men wanting it all the time, and so they think that a woman needs only to give a man the green light and he will eagerly jump at the chance to have sex with her. Because of these idealistic beliefs women develop an entitlement mentality and have lofty expectations of being able to get sex from men whenever they want to. But back in the real world when things inevitably fail to materialize according to their expectations, women are brought back down to earth and they become resentful towards men, because they think that men are deliberately denying women their God-given entitlement and/or their birthright as females.

    “I am not owed sex, nor do I owe anyone sex”

    I agree 100%, and this is equally true whether you are male or female. Obviously if you are in a committed relationship then you should make every effort to be sensitive to the needs of your partner, but beyond that you should not feel obligated to live up to some silly gender stereotypes just because society says you should. I have never been a woman-chaser and I never will be, and I have always believed that if men prefer to live a quiet and peaceful life without chasing women then they should be free to do so without being stigmatized as closeted gays, or passive-aggressive withholders, or damaged goods. I also think that if women find it fun and exciting to chase men then they should be free to do so without being labeled sluts, or desperate, or unladylike.

    I think the differences between any two members of the same gender will often be much greater than any real or perceived differences between the two genders as a whole. We need to get past these outdated gender stereotypes and just allow individuals to be themselves without being held to some ridiculous standard by the opposite sex or by society in general.

  3. David says:

    Why don’t we ever bring up the wives who deny intamacy to their husbands, because she says she doesn’t like sex ! Yet I hear her at night when she thinks I’m asleep fingering herself!!! That’s not fair, of course I’m no “Don Juan” but I’m not ugly or overweight I try to stay in shape In the hope that she would like me that way but I e just about given up I don’t know what she wants, she says that she’s not with another man and that she just doesn’t like sex, so I m thinking its me then I’m just no good in bed, it just breaks my heart to hear her orgasming when she thinks I’m sleeping what do I do I tried confrontation but she just denied it , I am at a loss I have been patiently waiting for her for over 10 years !!! please would someone give some advice or tell me your story that is similar so that I don’t feel alone, she says she loves me and I try to be understanding and a good husband but I feel like she is taking advantage of me and my kindness mistaking it for weakness, I am 56 now I know what you’re thinking you’re too old to start over, but to be honest I’m not interested in anyone else “I love that woman ” but this marriage is what is called a sexless marriage no intamacy whatsoever, like this morning I gave her a complement and told her she still has nice legs and that they look smooth so I asked her if she shaved? and I reached out just to touch her leg and immediately she pulled away and said no don’t touch, I m so confused and feel stupid at the same time, I realize that these could be signs of maybe an affair but my baby isn’t exactly the slim young lady she used to be don’t get me wrong I love her very much and will take her just as she is if she would only let me, plus she says she doesn’t have anyone else, I’m soo confused I NEED some advice please ?

  4. Sweetkitten813 says:

    My husband and I regularly had sex three to five times a day in the beginning of our relationship. I need sex and a lot of it. He can no longer get erections and if by chance he does get one, he lasts maybe 30 seconds. He touches me to please me afterwards it I need him inside of me. If I wanted to be touched or just gone down on, I’d be a lesbian. He rarely goes down on me anymore anyway. I’ve explained I need sex, a lot. We go months without it. He never gets morning wood. He’s taking a vitamin hoping it helps. In the meantime, I’m missing out. I so badly want to strut down the produce isle confidently knowing I’d be satisfied but refrain from purchasing specifically for that. Though, I think I will refrain from refraining much longer.

    I want toys or something. How much longer am I supposed to deal with this?????

  5. Dexter says:

    After years of my wife and her sex power plays I finally stopped any type of physical contact. She noticed several months later and demanded to know why I stopped. I matter of fact told her she runs our sex life and I will do my duty and have sex with her when she tells me but I would no longer attempt to initiate. I explained I have been keeping stats for 6 years and I have a 20% success rate so it was no longer feasable to continue. She was dumbfounded and has only tried twice in three years. I am at peace with it all now. I can go without sex knowing she receives no physical contact from me and can no longer power play sex against me. Such is for a wife that employs their entitlement power play against their husband.

  6. Ashley Vogras says:

    I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’ve tried to change so much about myself to even get him to see me the way he did before. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. There is a literal aching pain in my abdomen…like a rag twisting. I try to hold in tears so many times every single day, because I feel invisible. I’ve talked to him about it, but he just makes comments calling himself a piece of s*** and we don’t actually figure out solutions to our issues. And it goes on day after day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been at the rock bottom of depression before and I am fighting with all my might not to get back there. I got a new job that I love and left the bad one. I thought I would feel better about myself, but I don’t. I don’t know what to do.

  7. Anne Girardot says:

    sex is intimacy. bottom line is that there is something very wrong with the relationship if EITHER party in the relationship is refusing that intimacy. (barring, of course, medical and/or mental problems which are, hopefully, addressed in the relationship.)
    i speak from experience, having asked my former husband to be intimate with me on numerous occasions. in our scenario, sex was refused as a way for him to avoid intimacy and assert his power by so doing. our relationship devolved to no intimacy whatsoever, and a divorce.

  8. Dan says:

    I know how you feel it’s been several years since we had intimacy I don’t even sleep in the same room anymore we are like roommates with no benefits I have tried n tried we have been going to councilor for years but no change I don’t think I’m wanted anymore I’ve tried to stay in shape n look good but it just doesn’t work, at night when I’m supposed to be sleeping I can hear the noise of masterbating n it really hurts that’s why we don’t sleep together we have been married over 30 years granted I have gone through some medical issues I was injured in the marines and am now retired but I’m still willing n able to be intimate I just don’t understand I’m a good person and do what’s expected of me I guess I’m tired of trying so much we don’t even talk n I found some disturbing emails in phone “f*** buddy or something like that asking if still interested that really broke my heart but says it’s just junk mail hmm that’s funny I have never received anything like that no its not funny its very hurtful I don’t get it they tell me they love me but yet all this n more just recently checked out phone again n someone named Amanda asked if wanted to date her! I’m so messed up I ask Jesus to guide me n tell me what to do because I can’t go on like this always listening at night and wondering it’s not me they’re thinking of I’m not at peace I need peace sometimes I just want to go home ? By the way I’m the husband please any advice

  9. Paul says:

    Who enjoys feeling neglected and rejected sexually? This is NOT a man or a woman issue. However, women, if you “trained” your man early through neglect and rejection – what do you expect years after this type of treatment? And no BS about household chores (i.e., I did them and even hired a housekeeper, the floor could not get any cleaner). No continued excuses about children (i.e., I hired a tutor too and took over roles with the children’s education plus sports). No issues about cooking either, I cook and have since I was 8 (i.e., cooking is a form of expression and something that I enjoy and learn about). Work? Well, we all work but I can say that this is something one can talk about too and to learn to let go (i.e., I also said that she did not have to work as I also worked online as a Professor so we had ample income). My realization was listening to a female psychologist who said that women “analyze women yet demonize men”. There are two sides to the story. If you go for just one side, well you are wrong. Tired of the excuses.

  10. Liz says:

    I been dealing with rejection from my husband for a while about 3 years.
    I had confront him about why he does not desire me.
    He never responds. He keeeps quiet.
    I wish he tell me something so I can kill for once this painful feeling that is me the problem.
    We are not a couple any more we just live together in the same apartment raising our two kids.
    He doesn’t not talk to me.
    I really feel bad about it .
    I do exercise, care for myself looking good but nothing seems to get him.
    I bought lingerie at Victoria secret and he never saw me wearing the items.
    He knew about it doing laundry but didn’t move.
    I feel terrible I dream about those days when we had good Intimacy.
    I believe men or women who suffer rejection is painful:

  11. Alberta says:

    My husband and I were very good friends.our sexual lives were interesting till infidelity occurred on his part.yet I forgave him.along the line he denies me sex for months apologises and start denying me again till now.its emotional pain and resentment.I don’t know what to do again.please advice me

  12. Mike says:

    I also am a husband whose wife withholds. I agree with you Dexter. I did not keep any official stats, but if I had it would have been a blowout. So I have found other things to spend my time on. I don’t withhold intimate contact (holding hands, cuddling, etc) but as far as sex is concerned, no thanks. On the very rare instances it does happen, I don’t finish. All I can think of is how much she does not want it, and I don’t want duty sex. It is a terrible position to be in, but after 33 years, I have finally just given up.
    Here is what I do know and will pass on to you other men. It is not you. It is indeed her problem. She has to work on it. If she doesn’t, too bad for her. Find a life for yourself that does not include sex. You will be better off for it. If you are not married, then stay that way.

  13. ConfusedWife says:

    I’m heartbroken because a few months ago I moved in with my husband, (we had a long distance relationship for a more than year before that) and we’re almost never intimate anymore. When we were apart he seemed to want me all the time, he called and texted me how much he needed me almost every day. But since I’ve moved in the need for intimacy just stopped. We’ve had sex a handful of times in the last few months. I apologized to him and started working out again because I thought my weight was the problem (I’m well within my BMI but have a rather large arse and a very slight tummy). He reassured me that my body had nothing to do with it, but every time he rejects me or pushes me away it feels like a slap in the face.
    I cook/clean/dress nicely/work out and do everything I can to make him happy but he just doesn’t seem to want me anymore.
    I feel like such a burden because I don’t want to smother him or be needy but I need to feel loved and wanted and I don’t.

  14. Penny says:

    My husband and I always had the best sex life right from the moment we started dating. Things were great when he travelled for work he would keep calling telling me how he misses the sex. We would enjoy playing with each other and beautiful love making sometimes three times a day and anytime he saw me naked we always had sex, I’ve never made the silly excuses about being tired and headaches with my husband because I enjoyed our sex life. Last two years things have changed drastically I would go to touch him and play with him to initiate sex and he would ask me to stop making excuses he is tired. Working as an air hostess I’m very attractive and take care of my health, I was buffled as to what changed. I’ve asked him straight up if there’s someone else but he keeps denying it. We have not been intimate for 7 months now and I’m just over it, I can’t live like this i don’t understand how a marriage can survive without intimacy, I’m the kind of wife who will not go through my husbands phone or his personal belongings I don’t nag him so I find myself at a cross road and I’m only 33 so I want a marriage I feel wanted and desired. I’ve told my husband if things don’t change and if he can’t open up to me I will walk away, he thinks I’m being silly but I’m really serious. I want to be desired just being told I love you is not enough I need intimacy in my life as much as I love giving it to one that I love. I want him to talk to me if there’s an issue we can fix it. I’m I selfish in asking for what I want? Any advise before it’s too late?

  15. Kara says:

    Penny,
    You have every reason to feel badly. You are still young, and miss your husband’s touch. You should do some snooping to see if he may be seeing someone else.

  16. Gerda says:

    Depressed housewife

    dear penny, ive been married 3jr to my second husband after being divorced for 26yrs..
    i am a very sexual active woman i tild him this before we got married..about a month after we got married he started saying know to sex and its now getting worse..i find myself crying at night wen he says now and we have sex 2 or maybe 3 if im lucky..i play alot to stop myself form getting headaches cause of no sex..im now at that stage were im starting to look around..its not nice wen ur told not now..i dont even wanto do things gor him anymore..wen i think what God wants it hearts more cause i know its not right what hes doing..and that im considering an affair outside my marriage..
    Kind Regards Gerda

  17. Jane says:

    My husband had diabetes, depression and ED. He never admitted he had ED. We had hardly any sex for 8 years, once or few times a year. I feel like a piece if garbage. He’s boring in bed and won’t do anything I would like. Should leave him before I get any older. I’m devastated.

  18. Azalea says:

    Ladies I feel your pain. I too am going through rejection from my husband. We have only been married two years. We are in our thirties. The saddest part is that we used to have the most incredible, mind blowing sex – sometimes three times a night. After a few months I noticed it was always me initiating. Then one morning he outright rejected my advances, which was like a dagger to my heart. He was working away a lot at that time and I discovered he had met up with an ex girlfriend who was newly single. He “accidentally” sent me a text message saying he was confused and thought he might still have feelings for her and he was doubting whether to marry me. Can you imagine how I felt! He told me nothing happened between them and that he just met her briefly. I trusted him, wisely or unwisely I don’t know. Then a few days after he had met up with her it was Valentine’s Day and out of the blue we had the most amazing sex he was totally uninhibited which I loved. But then I was paranoid- was he only horny because he had met up with his ex and had repressed feelings which he then “released” with me that night? Since our sex has never been that hot I feel really upset that it was probably because he was thinking of her. He didn’t see her again but I found out they were Facebook friends. I said I was unhappy about this and it jeapardised our relationship. He cut contact with her and proposed to me. We are now married with a baby and sex has become less and less with me always initiating. Recently he started making excuses like I’m too tired, it’s too late, etc etc. I’ve had a few meltdowns and told him how much this hurts me. It’s not like I’m wanting sex every day, even once a fortnight would be ok. I told him I’m not going to try initiating anymore as I am tired of being rejected. He says I’m overthinking it and doesn’t see the big deal. Last night he really got my hopes up as we got the baby to bed early and he suggested a massage. He finished the naked massage, got me all full of anticipation then he just stopped, sat back in bed and watched tv! He doesn’t realise that this impacts on the health of our relationship- I feel sexually and emotionally frustrated, I feel rejected, I feel unattractive, I feel there is something wrong with me, I feel increasingly paranoid that he’s thinking about his ex, who is childless and single and beautiful and glamorous, whereas I’m a new mum with stretch marks and a wobbly tummy. All of this makes me resentful and angry, it clouds my mind all day and all night. My husband showers our baby with love and affection but with me he just holds back and maybe the odd peck on the cheek or a hug if I’m crying my eyes out. The resentment will eventually poison our relationship as the bitter anger I feel for being trapped in a marriage with no intimacy manifests itself through barbed comments and sarcasm. Being smiley, cheerful, loving towards my husband seems to have no effect on his desire for me so now I almost feel like… what difference does it make? I’m rejected either way? I feel so sad, especially as I love my husband and can’t imagine divorce.

  19. Loriann says:

    I am so very sorry for all of you…men or women.
    I know and understand…I want to say more because I am a woman whose husband rejects me over and over for various reasons, “I’m tired”, “I am so stressed”, “I’m getting older”, blah blah blah.
    Yet he is happy to inform me of all his past sexual encounters. By the way, most of them were with women that were one night stands or convenient…no relationship. Then he also married an Asian women (after knowing each other for a month) for citizenship. Now he uses that as why he is “so insecure and scared of intimacy”. However he is still capable of masterbating every night as well as more one night stands.
    Long story short…we all have the same pain. For that my heart hurts because all each and every one of us wants is love…and yes, to express that physically.
    I grieve as do you all.

  20. Wanda says:

    There is still hope!
    Assuming the majority of postings are coming from Believers since this is a Christian site, so I will tell my story from a standpoint that I am talking to primarily fellow Believers.
    I have been married for 35 years and I am wife who was being rejected.
    30 years ago learned that my husband had a very strong addiction to (at time in our our society, rough very perverted and explicit explicit) pornography. He became extremely hostile over letting it go and this was back in the days where you had to go out of your way to get it , like through the mail. He actually had a PO Box that he was having it delivered to and I stumbled upon his hiding site when trying to clean out a closet.
    Told me for a while he stopped and then when computers came into the house it started again.( At that time we had children in the home, they are now grown and a son, later into our marriage actually passed away and gone to be with the Lord as a result of a terminal disease and severe disabilities.) I refused to tolerate it happening a second time or more! I literally dismantled his computer in his man cave and until smartphones came out he was not allowed to have access to a computer in our house!
    We remained married through all of this out of our sense of commitment in general and to God.
    The last 12 yrs were completely without sex and even before that my libido was higher than his, and I was the one who was usually did the initiating and was told no. I am certain that a lot of this had to do with his pornography addiction that at that time there weren’t many studies out what it does to the brain and the need for those rough images to even be able to orgasm. The shame and then the cycle of refusing the wife and quite frankly not needing her to have the orgasm needs meds because it’s being meant during pornography. FYI, well this is still predominantly a male addiction I do believe that women are probably starting to become addicted to so men especially one of the men is postings I had read of his wife would masturbate after he fell asleep maybe she is addicted to pornography?!
    THINGS slowly start to get better:
    About seven years ago he started going to the doctor routinely found out he had significance low functioning thyroid, that did help some with his withdrawn behavior and growing moodiness. So that point being sometimes it can be medical although that did not change the sexlessnesses.
    I have prayed about this for years and just six months ago I came to him at 59 years of age , he 61, and told him I still loved him, we’ve been through much and I want to stay together, but if things don’t change I am going to ask him for a divorce because I literally cannot take it anymore.
    Recovery started off slowly from there (because I was relieved to learn that he did still love me and didn’t want to lose me) with some hugging and kissing, because it literally had grown so foreign for both of us, so we had to start at that slow stage ( our distance had become so extreme to the point where we were actually sleeping in separate rooms!)……so
    even with the kissing and hugging initiated again, we hadn’t been out on a date to even go out to dinner , even 3 months into this stage , this is how bad it had gotten for us, even post our efforts at the hugging and kissing occasionally, standing in our kitchen or living room bye bye dad still sleeping in separate beds and slipper rooms. Our marriage still basically that of responsible roommates.
    I was literally on the verge of having an affair! I had asked my longtime female friend and accountability partner to pray for me because I had found some old flames who were single on Facebook and I was ready to contact them. I was sick to my stomach and in prayer! I did not want to break this Holy Bond!
    I am a very attractive woman for my age, some of its genes and some of that I work at , keeping the weight under control , being fashionable etc. and I know how men respond to me out in public and I was quite certain that if I wanted to have an affair it could be accomplished in a day’s time! I was truly frightened and cried out desperately to God. So frightened , that gone was my anger and resentment towards my husband for his years of rejecting me and I was ready to swallow my pride, fears, try to trust again and be willing to risk the rejection one final time to keep myself from becoming an adulterous!
    This miracle that happened, came about 24 hours after me telling my accountability partner that I was planning on having an affair , I was literally on my knees praying to God and the following day I said to my husband ” aren’t you exhausted with this , don’t we still love each other?” ” can we both just swallow our pride , trust, and become one again?” We literally walked across the room ,grabbed each other and embraced, went upstairs and had intercourse for the first time in 10 years !
    7 months later it is only getting better!
    Additionly, my husband has finally accepted and admitted that he needs professional help and went to the doctor just yesterday and was finally diagnosed with severe attention deficit disorder and put on medication!
    Which I’m sure will help with his restlessness, his aniexty, and forgetfulness , which in all honesty over the years I’ve gotten to the point where I was not always very patient with mostly, because he was refusing to swallow his quite frankly male pride and go get help, BUT in all these areas where my frustrations and devastating hurts WERE justifiable, I want to point out that , how to get to this point of healing I had to go back to God’s word and pray about the things I would have allowed to come out of my mouth in frustration and practice chast and reverent behavior towards my husband, pray for him and allow God’s Holy Spirit’s the deal with him.
    Did he deserve it , certainly not from a fleshly view. I needed to do it because of the grace that I have received from God as a child of God – so I did needed to do it for that reason, if for no other reason !**I want to point out in my advise giving testimony and all of this chast and reverence comments that a woman should never stay in a dangerous marriage.
    My husband has never been physically abusive and frankly has always been a very good financial provider ( I work outside of the home for years but I always built him up over that and gave him that credit )
    So now, fast forward through all of these efforts and prayer I am 60 years of age and my husband 62, we are having more sex now than we had 15 years ago when we were still having sex! Praise God!

    Another FYI piece of advice , for the ladies, it is a true physical phenomenon , if you don’t use that vagina it will shrink, become painful and can athrophy to the point where it can even cause urinary tract infections etc.
    So don’t deny your husbands, please try to figure out what you can do differently!
    Let me give some examples, because we’re all adults here, if you’re not feeling in the mood physically, or are worried about pregnancy (that’s a subject that’s not been brought up on this thread that I’ve seen ), even if you say sexy things to him and give him the permission to masturbate in front of you, I’m sure that will go a long way even if you’re not having actual intercourse with him!
    Husbands, you are emotionally AND physically harming your wives to withhold.
    I literally had to go on estrogen cream and be on it for about 90 days before we could have sex again routinely , without it being painful, because I had vaginal atrophy from my husband denying me for so long. That first “miracle ” love making session that I describe on our Miracle Day actually caused vaginal bleeding and a trip to my gynecologist , who diagnosed the vaginal astrophy and put me on the estrogen cream.
    So, my closing piece of advice as someone who was on the verge of divorce and whom’s marriage has been healed of so MUCH….
    if you are Believers don’t accept this from either spouse, a short dry spell for a know reason is one thing ,but medical ,emotional pay back whatever it is, get to someone who’s going to help bring it into the light and hold you both accountable and counsel you!
    Do not go down without a fight and roll over to separate sides of the bed or worse separate rooms and separate beds and just indure, it is not what God had planned for this challenging ,but beautiful and rewarding union, called marriage !
    God’s Healing & Blessings to All.?⛅?

  21. Given Up says:

    In my case it is not a question of “lower drive” or “higher drive”. He is punishing me; has been for almost 4 years. I do not live up to his ideal of a wife. I am not enamored with domestic duties; I am “mean” to him; I only work part time, so I am not “contributing” enough, etc. Besides, he has now found a church which makes him “happy”. He’s not interested in sex; his holiness has God. I can’t compete with that. He has become a humorless, judgmental, boring pain in the ass. All he really talks about is God, Jesus and his church. We had sex for years before marriage; he “repented” of that but deep down, he still feels guilty. He uses sex as a weapon to try to change me into the type of wife he wants and believes he deserves. We’ve been married 36 years; knew each other 9 years before that. We’ve known each other a total of 45 years ( we met when were 14; started dating at 16; first had sex at 18; were married at 24). He likes to act as if I was Little Mary Sunshine before marriage and turned into this horrible ogre the day after the wedding. That is such crap. I am the way now as I have always been. If he thinks I’m “mean” now, then I have always been “mean”. My personality wasn’t a surprise. He thinks he is just SO “Christian”. Constantly reads his Bible; conveniently skipping over the passages about forcing celibacy on his spouse. Runs off to church and Bible study groups all weekend. He is kidding himself, but he can’t kid God. I know the real deal and so does God. My roommate will have to eventually answer for this. Too bad I won’t be able to see it.

  22. Laura says:

    I’ve been married for almost 3 of years now. And the last time we had intercourse was on our wedding nite. And that was stretching that. And Everytime I bring it up. I get yelled at or told it not one of his top priorities. And my sex drive is beyond belief. And any other ways of physically pleasuring myself isn’t working anymore. I’m 40 years old and my husband is 32 years old. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts.
    A tired house wife!!!!!

  23. Chris St Pierre says:

    Now you know the pain that the vast majority of men feel. Every time a man is rejected he should make sure that the woman is reassured that it is ok. Every time he rejects her, HE should understanding how damaging that can be to a woman and make sure to let her down easy.

    So the man doesn’t even have the right to feel the pain of rejection. He has a job to do. Deny is pain and make sure you know it is OK.

    Men can’t win, and we’re tired of it!

  24. GoodDad says:

    Chris, I have heard your story many times. You’re dead on, pal, and there’s only one way to fix the problem – take away the assurance of a lifelong marriage if the wife turns off sex. My fidelity is completely dependent upon the wife’s cooperation. Turn off sex, I turn off the marriage. I *will* be having a frequent, reliable and enjoyable sex life with my wife; I’m entitled to it if you’re entitled to my faithfulness. I hope that’s YOU, dear wife, but it doesn’t have to be. What I say is that “I’ll never cheat on you, but I will leave you.” My marriage is not a prison and I don’t just hope my cellmate treats me OK (which is the definition of a typical Christian marriage).

    That’s how you prevent it – give each partner something to lose if they don’t behave like they did when you were dating. It’s worked for me.

  25. GoodDad says:

    Laura, you have one of three situations on your hands, and all have the same solution.
    Your situations: 1) your husband is gay 2) your husband is getting sex elsewhere 3) your husband is an exceedingly rare male with no sex drive.

    All three categories leave you headed for an affair. Not having sex with your God-given partner will leave you in a place where, sooner or later, you’ll have an affair.

    The answer is always the same: an ultimatum. You cannot continue like this and you must follow this website’s advice on how to do it. You have an intervention meeting, set a deadline and start making moves to leave the marriage. When, and only when, your husband proves he’s made a permanent change do you stay. If you don’t do this, you’ll just be 5 years older and just as divorced in 5 years if you give it that long. This cannot continue and it’s going to unless you take control. Do not listen to a typical minister that tells you to tough it out, put more time in, keep praying. You are 100% headed for depression or an affair or both. Fix this now.

  26. GoodDad says:

    Ladies, I’m near 60 and my sex drive is the same as it was when I was 16. My wife is no longer young, has stretch marks doesn’t look like she did when we married decades ago. I still pursue her like crazy, even though sex isn’t as easy as it was when I was a kid (I have ED). Why do I still chase her around the coffee table? Because she has always given me sex when I wanted it. I never made her do it, never forced her but I *know* that there were times when she was tired or not feeling her best and she STILL did it. I tell you what, making her happy means more to me than a teenager in a bikini. Having a good sex life makes up for sagging body parts, weight gain most other things. An attentive wife in the bedroom is how you combat the ravages of time, ladies. All I have to do is but ask – can your husband say the same?

  27. GoodDad says:

    Sweetkitten813, several things can help. If your husband is on blood pressure meds, that’s a BIG contributor to ED. He must exercise and stay off drugs like that. There are ED medications, and for severe cases, injections you can take the will definitely solve the problem. Your describe a person at wit’s end, and about to make a very bad decision. Therefore make good decision and demand your husband see an ED doc and fix the situation BEFORE you have an affair.

  28. Frank says:

    I turn my wife down, she gets angry. I don’t have the right to get angry about our poor sex life. Ironic isn’t it? I have always complained that she is not interested in us being equals in our relationship. I’m not going to be reduced to being her human vibrator every four to five weeks. She hates talking about our poor sex life and I have just been fed up with her angry reaction to it. So I call her frigid (apparently that’s verbal abuse!!) and point out that TV, the kids and her friends are more important to yo. The more I bring it up, the less likely she will be shocked when I leave her. Life is too short to be held hostage in an unfair relationship. I withdraw affection, don’t help out around the house etc. It’s good practice for her when she’s a single mom. If sex is no big deal (just waiting for her to say that) I will push for an open marriage. It is immoral for her to impose celibacy on her husband.

  29. Sarah says:

    I’m so depressed. My 4-year relationship has been nothing but sexual deprivation, with occasionally mind blowing sex. I discovered early into the relationship that he was a sex addict. He has lied and I have caught him cheating so many times. O am so tired and sad because all other aspects of our relationship are beautiful. We are soul mates, except for the fact that he is a narcissist and a sex addict. Recently, just when I thought he was going to finally realize the error of his ways, he referred to his affair partner as “my girl” and told me he “already f*****” for the weekend, which was Friday night, and since I was stuck with him due to a snow storm, I decided to only give him the finger because I knew I could not leave and didn’t want to fight with him. He called me crying and saying please don’t leave me, but when I came back we still could not have sex. I just want to give up on our relationship. It’s at the point where I have realized I am too good to put up with his abuse. And by abuse, I am referring to cheating and sexual deprivation. Then he can’t understand why I won’t do anything for him anymore.

  30. Mary says:

    Pray for me. I’ve lost attraction and interest in my husband. Nine years of very little sex, two years of sex and then back to lack of sex again. He rejects me and denies he has a porn issue, as he chooses that over me. I am severely depressed, and he believes that his actions have little to do with it.

  31. Sarah says:

    My sister is in a relationship where she has to initiate sex each and every time. The sex lasts 15 minutes max. The constant burden of initiating sex is wearing her down and now she wants out. She has no kids. The man has no sperms. I cant say why she was enduring this for as long as she did but I want to know if divorce is the only answer. She has tried everything but husband shows no interest in her. He doesnt talk to her and mostly watches tv all day long after he gets back from work. Everytime she wants to touch him, he rejects. Doesnt communicate with her. She is a mess and I cant help but wonder what is the solution if not divorce. Please help.

  32. KJC says:

    I’m a wife in a bewildering sexless marriage. It’s likely he has a porn addiction, and there are some known Power struggles through our 26 year marriage. In 26 years we all make mistakes.
    My sex drive is high, and it intimidates him (I can understand that). He loved it the first 10 years, but he has slowly avoided sex (with me) because he PE’s/ED from the internalized self-expectations of ‘pleasing’ me. All I want is fun intimacy; not a porn film. I understand how porn is easier: “she” doesn’t have anything to say or need from him, and he can turn to ‘her’ (and end it) when ever he wants. I get it.
    (I do have to say I have quite true never turned him down – even for ‘one-sided’ encounters 😉 and I have had so much fun making the lead up and experience fun and different ….I think it hurts as much that he has denied me that creativity as the sex itself).
    But worst of all, I feel very badly that he puts so much pressure on himself, and he is self-conscious so he doesn’t like to talk to about it. He had other girlfriends (I know them personally and they are wicked people) who said mean things to him. I can’t imagine the scarring they inflicted on a young man.
    Again, I understand his past, and I know his life with me — but I can’t help him see what I truly love about him when the conversation is forbidden. All our marriage we have written love – and other- ‘Letters’ to each other so I know I’ve had at least one way to share ideas/feelings.
    However, the last 5 years have been a no-touch or hug etc time and it is like watching ‘us’ die.
    If he could find a way to openly discuss (even be angry about) our situation, I think we could get through this together. But that is his decision. It is unfortunate how our Society can raise men to turn everything inward that is far healthier to feel and express as they are meant as humans. Including crying, hurt, disappointment. And managed but true irritation or anger.

    I came here to read about some perspectives, because there are so many ways to learn and see through different eyes.
    What I am thoroughly disgusted with is how vindictive, holier-than-thou, and sadistic some men are –responding here. The transactional, threatening, gaslighting, and more right out of the DSMIIV for chrissakes! Women are not perfect, and have many faults, including terrible habits just as bad as these. So, I’m not taking sides.
    But I dare anyone to read these types of responses and come to a conclusion that these men aren’t out for blood because of the sex-power struggle.
    These responses make my husband look like a saint. Alas, not enough of a saint, as he has shown the glimmerings of the worst of these male responses.
    I have been exposed to some of these mean reactions, and while I feel badly in my situation –because I am part of the equation– it is unfair because I am not told what I am doing or can do to help make things right.
    I am seeking the help-path before divorce, I can only hope he will talk with a marriage counselor.

    I value these anon hateful cruel nearly frightening responses because they are a window into what awaits me if I do not follow an honorable path of healing for him and us.
    With respect, and both trying with help, we will either stay together, or become okay with the grief of a love dying before the necessary end of the relationship.

    I will not wait for him to become one of the monsters of retribution and pain these men somehow think they are approved by god to judge and mete out earthly punishment on the people they say they love in a marriage.

    To All men and women, on each side of this pain: isn’t as easy as a single statement….yet it IS as easy as a single statement: if the love is killing you, get the hell out.
    Men and Women Confused, Hurt: Please look for just one more – and very different- way of ‘trying’ to help it work. And make a promise to yourself that if it does not improve things, to end it. A person who is innately internal/secretive is unlikely to change and you will always be in a state of hurt confusion.

    Angry Men: Thank you for showing your True Colors so I don’t have to endure them. It is a strange Gift, but one all the same. Perhaps you too can find a way out of the hell you are putting she AND you through.

    All this from Someone who sees both sides of the coin, and saddened at the ugly clarity of one over the other.

    Hope to all,
    KJC

  33. CVW says:

    Well I have read through all of this and in my case counselling for 8 months did nothing. Yes im Angry most of the time especially when I get the urge. Yes iv taken up Gym and hate other men looking at me. Yes I help and cook for my neighbours. Yes im actively involved in my children’s lives and yes I talk about it openly. I think there is an underlining problem but his reluctance to ponder down that road is aggressive. we make a fantastic team parenting running a successful business and house hold with exceptional children but every night when the lights go off I ask God to take away my urges as they are sickening and repulsive now to myself. I’m so angry that I even took up Boxing … hitting younger woman than me wasn’t helping as I hit them out of the anger I have from not getting none and left the sport. 22 years together married for 12… I sometimes more now than ever think this is my punishment for having sex before marriage. The Bible does say that sin does not go unpunished. So I remind myself of this all the time to make sense of this “Marriage”.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Hi there, i would like to share a solution to being rejected a husband or in men’s case a wife

    I can fully relate to physical rejection by my husband. I truly love my husband he is a great man of God,

    and yes physically my need for sex goes unfulfilled ( I fulfill his need) i cant understand or know why

    i went through all emotions, shouting matches, and even contemplating divorce

    Somethings i continue to learn and do:

    I still have a friend in Jesus and in these lonely times i must turn to Him

    i must respond to my husband’s rejection with the right attitude cussing, slamming doors, doesn’t glorified Jesus in any of this! It just makes me feel guilty and ashamed, asking for forgiveness

    I feel as Kingdom Woman, i will not be moved by my husband’s actions

    Prayer: I pray for my husband,
    our marriage, and other Believers who are in the same boat i don’t know but God does

    Journaling writing out your feelings, frustrations, every bit of hurt on paper

    Turning to the Word: the key scripture is Prov. 3:5-6
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

    We must continue to walk by faith and not by sight

    A question the Holy Spirit asked me was “do you believe your marriage will get better?” And the answer is yes

    And i ask Jesus to forgive me there are times, my husband has been tired and I’ve mistook him being tired for rejection

    And then there are times, when I’m in the mood and he flirts with me, and then he says” I’m tired I’m going to bed

    I also get tired of wham, bam, thank you m’aam when we do have sex

    Granted i don’t know what or why my husband rejects me he just does

    i know i have to keep trusting Jesus, seeking Him and letting His love sustain me and pray for my husband whom i love with all my heart

    Remember God sees everything and we will have to give an account for our lives

    i feel sorry for my husband because he chooses to neglect my needs, this choice causes him to miss out on oneness that the Bible talks about, and the unity that Jesus gives to husband and wife during sex!

    Ive also learned and believe Jesus is first in my marriage and i also remind myself of who i am and who i belong to in our Lord Jesus Christ

    Song 4:7

    Ps. 139:13-16
    For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

    My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

    Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

    And i keep pressing forward no matter what my trust, faith, hope and confidence is in Jesus and I believe all of our marriages will get better

    Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning Ps. 30

  35. Gary says:

    I’m done. I’ve been keeping a log (quietly) the past 14 days tracking my new initiative – denying my wife sex. Because I’ve been denied over and over, made to feel foolish and embarrassed for needing something as “trivial” as sex, when there are so many more important things we should be talking about (insert any number of things you want here). I simply can’t stand the pain and rejection anymore. Also, I’m bitter that I actually believed the cultural tripe that “communication is the key”. Communication means nothing if the person isn’t interested in what you are communicating. You can approach the topic gently, gingerly.. sympathetically. It won’t matter. From the low sex partner’s perspective, the only “problem” is that you keep bringing up this stupid sex topic, and you need to grow up!

    I don’t know how long it will take for my secret denial of her to even be noticed. I’m guessing at about 4 weeks she may make a stray comment here or there. I’ll be pleasant and laugh it off, continuing to focus the relationship on the “more mature” issues she’s mentioned in the past. I’m guessing that it may take about 12 weeks of no sexual initiation before she starts to initiate herself. I’m approaching it now like a painful but intriguing experiment.

    If anyone would like me to blog it, let me know!

  36. James says:

    Man I’m both saddened and almost cathartic with wives who are denied.
    I’m sorry but the church has a huge issue with this as wives are really ok with withholding. It’s on the husband no matter what / if He Denies Her then it’s Huge ! I’ve found an amazing Christian woman who I barely knew in school. I’ve got to say that I’m seriously wondering about the boomerang rhetoric I get from the church , And if I choose a celibate life why should I marry? It took all I had to leave an abusive marriage to a non believer, now I’m not sure that I want the church and my future wife’s dad in our bedroom. It’s humiliating And to be honest I’m not sure I can perform without thinking about church etc and that kills the mood .

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  39. Anonymous says:

    I get denied by my husband every time I try. He has been engaging in gay porn and entertaining various men on social media and texting but says he is not gay. We have been married for a very long time. This behavior has been going on for a few years and has increased. I thought we had an unbreakable bond. I feel I’ve lost my husband and best friend. Most of his responses to me are rude and hostile.

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