authentic, marriage problems, sex, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Is Sex Really All that Important in Marriage?
May
Occasionally, I receive a comment or email from someone contending that sex really isn’t all that important in a marriage.
The person usually admits that they rarely or never have sex with their spouse, yet they are “the best of friends.” They thoroughly enjoy their life together.
My response?
Well, my “Cliff’s Notes” version response is this: A marriage without sex isn’t really a marriage.
Keep in mind, I’m not talking about marriages that are dealing with chronic illness, injury or long-term separation (military deployment, job commitments, etc.) Certainly there are marriages navigating challenges that make sex difficult at best and impossible at worst… yet, the marriages are incredibly strong.
Nope, I’m not talking about those marriages.
I’m talking about the rest of us who really have no valid justification for not nurturing sexual intimacy with our spouse.
Below is my extended response when someone argues that sex isn’t all that important in a marriage. Consider that…
1. God designed marriage as a covenant relationship.
Marriage was God’s idea. And because of that, we would be wise to understand how and why he differentiates it from other human relationships.
When two people marry, they become one in such a way that any division of that relationship has significant spiritual implications (not to mention emotional, societal, etc.)
If we were to bring this down to bare facts, they would look like this:
1. God is the author of marriage.
2. He said sex is a necessary and enjoyable part of marriage.
3. Marriage and sex go together.
God’s Word isn’t just about the bare facts, though, is it?
When we dig into His Word, we find He is rich with example after example that describe what happens when sex is handled correctly. And what happens when it is not.
Read the Word. Sex and marriage go together. One is never intended to exist without the other.
So when someone says sex really isn’t important to a marriage, I think they aren’t experiencing marriage as God intended.
2. We shouldn’t help another person sin.
Okay, I’m going to traipse down another spiritual aspect here. How important is it that we not be party to helping another person sin?
The Lord is clear about the impact of our actions with regard to other people sinning…
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God…” (1 Corinthians 10:31-32)
I know where you think I’m going with this. If a wife denies her husband sex, he is more likely to have an affair (or vice versa).
Honestly, I do think there is some truth to that, but that’s not the overall point I’m trying to share.
Because even if a husband and wife who are not having sex never step out into adulterous or promiscuous behavior, they still are accommodating each other’s sin.
What?
God never said sex was an optional aspect of marriage. He commands us to do it (because He knows how soul-drenching, binding and pleasurable it is for us, but many people lose sight of those benefits).
When God tells us something is important… even going so far as to tell us to do it often… and we don’t do it, what is that called? It’s called sin.
We can debate semantics and swim around in a bunch of theological jargon, yet I believe in my heart we are still going to arrive at the same conclusion — when we disobey God, that’s sin. And when we help others disobey God, we are helping them sin.
If we peel back the layers on this even further, we realize that a married couple negligent or indifferent with their sexual intimacy may also be causing other people to stumble. If you don’t value sex in your marriage, what message does that send to your kids and others around you?
“But no one knows what’s happening in my bedroom, Julie.”
True. They may not privy to the details, but my guess is that your children (and possibly those in your circle of influence) have at least a sense of how you feel about sex, whether it be by comments you make or attitudes you carry.
Not having sex in marriage AND simultaneously believing it’s no big deal to not be having sex — this is not the common experience, right? So if a married couple lives this out in their lives and reflects it out to the world, is that really helping or hurting marriage overall?
Are we perfect? No. But are we called to heed God’s instructions and do all we can to move in that direction, even though we might not always get it right? Yes.
3. We rob ourselves when we don’t value sex.
It grieves me to think of how sexually unavailable I was in my first marriage. And I now realize that I wasn’t only robbing him, I was robbing myself as well.
To say that sex is no big deal in your marriage — not worth your time and effort — is really in a sense saying you and your spouse are not worth something astounding God wants to give you.
Why would you want to concede to that when indeed it is not true? You and your spouse ARE worth it!
Is sex really all that important in marriage? All things considered, I’m going to go with an unequivocal “yes” on that question. But if you want to try to convince me otherwise, feel free to plead your case.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Julie – As much as I like a good debate, I can’t argue on this one – I think you nailed it!
@Paul H Byerly… THANKS! You are kind to say so.
Bravo! Very good article!
I look at it this way:
It’s like a lawn and it takes two people to do the yard work. If the lawn looks in bad shape then it’s probably due to lack of upkeep. A person cannot claim they love yard work if their own lawn looks like it’s in horrible shape.
I’ve heard someone debate me and defend their self passionately that they indeed LOVE yard work. I simply look at the proof because actions speak louder than words. Does your lawn look attractive?
Do in-actions reveal more than the claim of being an active participant?
Words are meaningless without action. It’s as simple s that.
I´ve been married twelve years, and I truly believe what you said Julie.
And as someone said from another blog post “without sexual intimacy, you and your spouse are nothing more than roommates.”
very good article and very true. i’ve always said that the person who is not participating in sex, love, and intimacy is the cheating spouse. what they’re (not) doing is just as bad as a spouse who has an affair. They vowed to love and be unto the other, etc. so i think it’s disgusting and frustrating for the empty spouse. It DOES cause a person to go out and stumble (cheat) even though we’re responsible for our actions, but they’re the ultimate cause. I think its sinful and unfair and i think a person like this shouldnt be married. You’re wasting and robbing your spouse for something they actually signed up for
Hi Julie
My wife and I are regular readers of your blog. We’re both in our middle 50’s and just recently celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary together. We talked about this article where some of your readers comments are that “sex really isn’t all that important in marriage.” We came up with some thoughts of our own on why we would disagree with them and would go so far as to say this is a dangerous perspective to have. Its brief and each point could be further developed but here’s our list.
1. Thinking your experience (that sex isn’t important) is just as valid and equal in perspective to others who believe sex IS important:
You and your husband may for whatever reason have come to this conclusion in your marriage but this idea could be dangerous to other married couples, especially in couples where the husband or the wife desires sexual intimacy and the other thinks it’s unimportant. I wouldn’t want my idea of what I think is acceptable to be a stumbling block to other marriages who struggle in this area.
2. Thinking your perspective (that sex isn’t important) is just as valid and on equal footing with God’s perspective on sex:
In the beginning God created marriage and said that the two should become “one.” Jesus pointed to this verse as well and several New Testament passages speak of the intimate sexual union of husband and wife. You may have decided for whatever reason it’s not important in your marriage but scripture is quite clear it IS important.
3. You neglect the potential dangers to your marriage and to other marriages who “watch you” when you maintain that sex isn’t all that important:
Scripture is also abundantly clear, be careful when you neglect nurturing sexual intimacy in your marriage! Satan is clever. No marriage is immune to infidelity! None! You or your spouse may maintain this position (that sex isn’t important) for some time but be careful. It may feel that way for you now but circumstances can change over the many season’s of marriage. Satan goes about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour…. And beware you who think you stand lest you fall. Feelings, thoughts, emotions can change. What may seem like a good idea for you now could become a disaster waiting. Even the apostle Paul spoke of not separating yourselves sexually one from another but for a time lest Satan tempt you.
4. Not developing the deepest most intimate relationship possible here on earth:
There is no human relationship here on this earth that is as close and intimate and personal as a deep abiding Christ centered sexual relationship between a husband and wife. You can have a deep and intimate relationship with a father or mother, one of your children, or a close personal friend, but you will never know them as intimately as you know your spouse in a deeply, lovingly, committed Christ centered sexual intimacy relationship. You can have all kinds of warm and intimate relationships with people, but sex is the one thing you can only do with your spouse.
5. Not embracing the mystery of the union of husband and wife with that of Christ and His church:
Scripture speaks about the sacred union of husband and wife and compares it to that of Christ and his bride, the church. The apostle Paul spoke of this union, the two becoming “one flesh” and referenced the sexual union and calls this a profound mystery (Eph:5). We ought not to neglect or diminish what God’s word says about sexual intimacy thinking we somehow “know better than God.”
6. Thinking that the physical pleasures of the body are lower or lesser than the spiritual:
One of the errors of the Gnostics is they believed the pleasures of the body were to be avoided and that only the spiritual disciplines and exercises were what mattered. Yet God created us body, soul, and spirit and gave us specific details on nurturing all the aspects of our being, not just the spiritual. We ought not to think we are somehow beyond the need of a close, personal, sexual union with our God given spouse because we’ve reached some “higher plane” of existence.
7. Not developing your marriage to the deepest and fullest level it can be:
Sexual bonding is like no other human-bonding relationship here on this earth. There is no experience that can knit you and your spouse together like that of a deep, loving, intimate sexual union with your spouse.
8. Thinking that sex is for the young, but as we age we really don’t need “that”:
Yes, as we get older there are challenges to both husbands and wives. Hormonal changes, changes to libido, impotence, illness, etc but by God’s help and grace, we should never let go of “desiring the desire” for sexual intimacy. Hear what scripture says to this as well. “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth May her breasts satisfy you always and may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Proverbs 5:18
I think we could possibly come up with a few more but I hope this causes couples to consider the unique gift that God has given married couples.
My wife and I have been married over 20 years in a sexless marriage (ML less than 10 times per year, including years with zero intimacy). Our love languages are encouraging words and acts of service rathen than ML. We hug, hold hands and briefly kiss routinely, but no ML for most of our marriage. I believe ML or sexual intercourse should be primarily for procreation. I’ve seen how sex causes so many problems in so many peoples’ lives. I understand others may not agree, but our marriage has lasted due to our commitments to each other. Sex is simply not discussed in our house.
@ Julie, you’ve shedded more light into this one important aspect of marriage. Keep on.
Sex in marriage IS important. My wife has had health problems for several months which has made it difficult at best, impossible at worst to have regular sexual relations. I love her dearly and tell her so regularly, I take care of her and assure her of her importance to me. That said I am just aching to make love with her and I feel very frustrated at our lack of sexual intimacy.
@Lee… thanks for commenting. I don’t question your love and friendship with your spouse, but I don’t think your marriage reflects what God says about marriage and sex. Plus, we see ample examples in the Bible where sex is not used for procreation, yet is still a vital and necessary part of a godly marriage.
I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one.
Yes, sex really is that important in marriage. Sadly, there are many sexless, or sex is very infrequent type marriages. Sex is not just for procreation. Does anyone really believe that it is? If so, they have not thought it through very carefully. Why are both spouses open to, able to, and desirous of sex outside of the few days each month that the wife is “fertile”?! God designed our sexuality that way so that the lovemaking would be frequent, mutually pleasurable(!) and passionate. Try it – you will like it.
Thanks Julie for another great essay!
“God never said sex was an optional aspect of marriage.”
Well then seemingly a lot of wives including mine don’t care much what God has to say on this.
As a sex starved husband I am finding fewer and fewer reasons to approach my wife in order to have deep communications on subjects important to her and to our marriage. I’m not talking about begging for sex. I’m done with that. You can only kick a dog so many times before the dog stops coming around. I’m talking about the desire a husband has to engage in deep communications with his wife, when his wife is the room mate who depends upon the husband to pay the bills, put a roof over her head, and take care of the kids.
It seems like a lot of wives need to be 100% satisfied in every aspect of their lives, when everything is going perfectly and they don’t have a care in the world, then they MIGHT permit their husbands to have sex with them. But if one thing is not perfect then that becomes the new reason they are not in the “mood” and it’s up to you the husband to change your sexual nature and no longer be a man. It’s always the husband who has to make the accommodation.
I wonder what it would be like if, whenever something wasn’t going right for me, I stopped working, stopped helping out around the house, stopped taking care of the kids because I wasn’t “in the mood.” How long would our marriage last?
Oh well. I guess sex is indeed an optional part of marriage. My marriage and many others are living proof. It’s up to me, the husband, to figure out how to no longer be a man since my manhood is an inconvenience for her and for our relationship.
Daniel
My wife, the love of my life, has health problems which have seriously impaired our sex lives. So much so that it has happened only about once a month this year up to now.
However, to encourage your younger readers let me say that sex is not just for the young. We are in our 70s and being retired we have freedom to choose when we make love. After a prolonged abstinence we did it today and while the details are private let me just say that we were both amazingly fulfilled this morning. I disagree totally with Lee. At our age sex is certainly just for fun and today was the best ever.
Hello i will jump right in: i love being intimate with my spouse,but i am having a hard time getting my wife to take a roll in are sex life,secondly i am trying not to be so sexually active with her i am trying to cut down on the amount of times we have sex in a week. Over all our marrige is good this is just one place in our marrage that is messed up, what should i do?
I don’t know how I could possibly fix the problems my husband and I face in solving our difficulties in this area. I cringe at the thought of trying to solve the problem. Honestly, I don’t want to have relations with anyone. I think counseling is the only answer for me, but then I am not sure that will work either. And believe me, the pressure to “make it better” is profound. I feel paralyzed. I wish it would just go away.
@anonymous… thank you for your comment. You say you don’t know how you could possibly fix the problems that you and your husband face. My humble challenge back to you is what is the alternative?
I understand you feel paralyzed, but I think you are wise to follow up on what you mentioned… counseling. Christian counseling can be powerful and transforming. I encourage you to find a professional Christian counselor who can help you understand why you don’t want to have sex, as well as give you wise insight on how to change this trend in your marriage.
It’s not easy. But your marriage is worth it. You made the decision to marry. Now, what will it take for you to take even baby steps toward having a stronger and healthier marriage, including more intimacy (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc)?
@D… thank you for your encouraging comment!!
@chad… I suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with your wife in a humble tone, sharing with her your concerns. Possibly even write her a letter, explaining how you want to grow closer, not only physically, but emotionally as well. It sounds like your approach has been to try to restrain your desire for your wife. I guess I don’t know how many times you are having sex a week (maybe you do need to be more realistic about how much sex you are having), BUT my bigger concern is that you seen to be withdrawing and struggling, rather than bringing the topic out in the open.
Would your wife be willing for the two of you to read a Christian sex book together? There are some good ones available.
Maybe there is just something wrong with me. I have almost never felt ‘pleasure or a connection’ during sex. I want to make him happy by giving him what he wants. Am I just to fake it the best way I can? Since I don’t enjoy sex is it wrong to pretend that I do for the sake of my marriage?
@N… I don’t think there is something wrong with you. I wonder if you are experiencing orgasm, which can be a very enjoyable aspect of sex. If you are not experiencing orgasm, I encourage you and your husband to learn your body through trying different touches, positions, foreplay, etc., that you find arousing.
I don’t encourage you to fake it. For one, it’s a lie. In your marriage bed. Not a good idea. It also doesn’t really accomplish anything healthy… sure, he may be getting sex, but if you aren’t enjoying it, over time you’ll just grow to resent it. Plus, you won’t really be that enthused about it, which ultimately won’t be enjoyable for him.
A better approach would be to talk to your husband and express that you want to enjoy sex more, but you are at a loss as to how to do that. There are Christian sex books… possibly you could read one together. And certainly always good to study God’s Word. Give yourselves freedom to really learn each other’s bodies.
I don’t know anything about your upbringing or past knowledge or experience about sex, but if there is anything in your past that was a negative experience sexually… whether it be past abuse or that you were brought up with the idea that sex was “gross” or “dirty” or “simply your duty as a wife” — if there are any of those types of negative things rolling around in your heart or head, I encourage you to seek to embrace a healthier view on sex. (Or if you have past hurts or sexual abuse, seek healing in those areas).
Anyway, those are just some ideas.
Communication is key. The more you and your husband can communicate about what feels good and both take an active role in nurturing intimacy, the better it is… not just for the marriage, but for each of you too.
Hope some of this is helpful.
Julie
My husband and I have very different views about sex. I see it as a chore and my husband see’s it as almost the most important part of a marriage. I just feel that there are more important parts to marriage, I don’t know maybe I’m being silly or whatever for thinking that but I can’t help the way I feel. An I have OCD so sometimes that can cause me to worry to much about other things, not like I see my husband as dirty but my mind gets on other things and I can’t focus. Also I can’t make myself get in the “mood” if I’m not. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it other times I do but I’m not going to do it unless my heart is in it I can’t otherwise. An I don’t think my husband should feel like any less of a man or anything, but I have always been the kind of person I will not be told I have to do something when I know I don’t. Which might be a wrong way of thinking about it but its true. So overall do I feel sex is important yes and no. I don’t think it’s the most important part of a marriage but from a 1-5 (5 being the lowest) I see sex as a 3 or 4. Sadly I don’t know how to look at it any other way.
My question is
Man , woman = married 14 years
4 kids man has major sex addiction talking like porn toys and all
Emotionally woman wants a connection with man
She soon realizes that man has shut her out emotionally and only wants porn style sex or quickies at his convence
Well woman has problem participating in intimacy because there is no emotional connection which leads to me having to drink to open up
Well we are going to counseling and man has needs as well as woman has needs
Well I have a ton of healing to get through before I can open up intamiately I am a woman that can’t be intamiate unless emotional connection
What do I do ???
The pain is from being rejected emotionally for so long and my spouse telling me that I need to find someone that can handle me emotionally because I am to much
Please help
Julie:
I don’t know what I believe any more, I’ve written a few times in your other sites and hopefully none of the younger folks fit in my category. Mine is extreme !!!!!!!
My story is horrible and has left my life a waste, and some of it is my problem. Married 45 years and only had sex once in my entire life, we are in our mid 60’s now so I’ve missed out on so many things no kids and loving family. I always hoped and prayed that I could have a family. But my selflish husband said that he wasn’t going to get involved with our marriage let alone kids. He thought sex was meaningless, pointless, messy, smelly, disgusting to the point of vomiting. He moved to the basement and that’s where he lives, as far away from me as he can be. We never talk let alone have any feelings for each other. This story can go on forever. I just hope young people talk to each other before marriage, expectations, kids, church, family, sex(how one feels about sex) positive or maybe not. Those that are married talk to each other get help if you need it. Nothing should be hidden from each other, be intimate, have fun he or she is your best friend.
@Amy: not that I expect a change after 45 years, but WHY ON EARTH did you accept such treatment from your husband? Why didn’t you give him an ultimatum on day 2 of your marriage? You could’ve saved yourself 45 years of pain had you done so. A dog bites me once, his fault. A dog bites me twice, my fault.
@V: unless you make a turnaround on your attitude about sex, you are condemning your husband to a lifetime of misery and temptation. Quite frankly, you DO have to include sex in your marriage or you’re cheating your husband. If you “will not be told to do something”, then there’s little hope of your husband having any sex he’s entitled to. How would you feel if he declared ” I’m not sharing my time or paycheck with you, but you need to remain married to me”?
If this is the way it’s going to be for your husband, be kind and honest with him and tell him he’s looking at a sexless future…does he still want to participate? I’d recommend the same thing to wives who find they’re married to men who mislead them about having children.
good work
Julie,
You say that you were sexually unavailable during your first marriage. What did you do to change that in your second marriage? Thanks.
Alex
@Alex… As for what I did to change, I am more intentional and I don’t take sex for granted. I simply recognized the problems from my first marriage and resolved to not repeat those.
I just have one question.. when you talk about your first marriage im assuming that it didn’t end in a divorce… because if it did its sad to think that the sex you are having now is not at all what God wanted.. as he never approved divorce and re- marriage again.
@ag1786… My first marriage did end in divorce because my husband decided to leave and divorce me. I did not want the marriage to end, but he ended it. Not me.
I guess you and I will have to agree to disagree on your second point… that the sex I am having now in my second marriage is not at all what God wanted. You and I must interpret the Bible differently on that one.
Thanks for commenting though. I appreciate you stopping by the blog.
This what married people needs “TRUTH” .
I find this article to be very judgmental and unfair to those of us who have been abused sexually in the past and were being abused by our husbands in emotional and other ways, and were not able to trust them because of their actions. It is not fair to put these ‘requirements’ on us when sex is so based on and necessarily attached to trust, which one cannot have with a husband who does not earn it! I wish you and the other readers would not be so adamant about your beliefs and standards that you put on the rest of us. I realize you included the paragraph about illness and absence, but you failed to include abuse, which is an even more important aspect to consider. I’m not talking about physical abuse which puts you in danger, which I know legitimates getting out of the situation. Severe and constant emotional abuse can cause just as much damage to trust, and I believe a woman should not have to submit to her husband’s ‘requirements’ for sex when he does not treat her with love. I think it would be wise for you to include this, and not assume all marriages are ‘healthy’ and able to have sex except for the reasons you mentioned above. I know many women would join me in this belief. I’m sorry you left it out of your article.
Julie, I find a major contradiction when you disagreed with the writer above whose wife has serious health limitations and treats her lovingly on a continual basis, as you stated in your article that situations such as these can be the exception. Your statement to him that his marriage is not according to God’s plan goes against what you said. I think that is very unfair and inaccurate. I also regret the fact that you left out the important aspect of trust in a marriage regarding the area of sex. Women and/or men who experience emotional abuse are not to be expected to trust their spouse when the spouse has not earned it. In that respect these spouses should not feel that they ‘owe’ the abusive spouse sex, just because the spouse wants it. I know that God does not require that of the abused. Sex is an act of love, earned by trust and love coming from the spouse. Also, in regards to the readers above who told of problems in their marriages that are getting in the way of their sex lives, I agree with the need to get help, but counseling may or may not fix things, as it takes two to want to change. I hope this comment helps support those who are struggling because of the spouse’s sinful actions, as we can only change ourselves, not the other person, and life does not always work out that way.
@agape… thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m sorry you felt left out of the article; certainly that wasn’t my heart or intention. It is difficult to cover every scenario in every blog post. I have talked about abuse before, which is a totally different situation (and incredibly difficult one as well). I encourage you to look at this post that includes a video by Leslie Vernick: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2014/09/18/emotionally-destructive-marriages-and-what-you-need-to-know/
I think the video has good insights. I pray for you to seek out 1-2 other mature Christian women who can help you navigate your situation, whether that includes finding a way out of it, seeking counseling, having someone confront your husband, etc. There are not easy answers, as the video talks about. But definitely you are right… emotional abuse is extremely damaging, sinful, debilitating and so forth.
I’m so sorry…
If a person believes in GOD and believes GOD created this body we have, then break down every organ in your body and its purpose or how it operates. Why does sex create orgasm in both men and woman? Who created the body to respond the way it does to sex. When you rub your nose it reacts a certain way, same for different parts of the body. When you rub your sexual organs why do they react the way they do, BECAUSE GOD created them to perform as they do. Your lungs are for breathing, your stomach for eating, your legs for walking, your sexual organs for sexual satisfaction. Who made that all possible, GOD.
A ..lot of people assume that sex is more for the man’s benefit. As a man gets older and his body changes his desire to please his wife doesn’t. his desire to please his wife and to express his extreme love for her never diminishes. When sex and other forms of intimacy are withheld from him he feels lost and unloved. Sex becomes a deep expression of his emotions and not just a physical act with her. When sex is denied him he feels he is denied a way of expressing his extreme caring for her. and true love sex is not a taking but it is way a Man has of expressing his strong desire to please and comfort her.
I have been married for 7 years with a wonderful man, I love him, he is my life, but since the beginning talking about sex is a kind of “tabu” for him. Our marriage is a sexless one, this year we probably tried four times, and always end in a frustrated “try”. He never feels the desired of having sex. Since two years. I noticed a different behavior on him, like shaving his body and using a different type of underwear, all of these on my back. Now he always denied that he is cheating. I don’t know how to manage this situation.
Julie et al – I’m pretty much in Daniel’s position and I believe my wife would most agree with V.
How do I even broach this subject with her? Is there some common ground? Sadly, I will admit to porn to fill this gap. I really want to get right with God in this area, and hopefully her, but our infrequent Intimacies are causing obvious issues. I’m ready daily – once or twice a month she can find 30 minutes where she is not too stressed, tired…
Where can I start? How do I fix this? Where is the common/middle ground?
Sex is important to marriage. However, having the mentality that sex is not important in marriage is very deadly. Even when sex is inconsistent due to genuine reasons, the fact is that sex remains a very vital part of marriage. However, if one neglects other aspects of intimacy on marriage and only focuses on sex, that is wrong.. But if one puts sex as number one in priority list of intimacy, this is right.
very encouraging blog….keep up
I wish you could talk to my wife. I’m on anti depressants so our sex life had suffered but now she won’t even talk about it. And what’s more insists that it’s my fault because of my inability to perform like I used to, add to that the emotions of being shot down time and time again and it makes it really difficult to even broach the subject. I have gotten into porn again and putting myself out on sex websites as needing sex to even feel like a man again. We just had our 25th anniversary and I have been faithful the entire marriage. I received a text from a woman who saw my post and was interested in me supposedly. At the time I was in. A deep depression and needed someone to say nice things to me true or not. We texted for a week . My wife found out about it , read the texts and told me I was having an affair and said she wanted to leave and should have left me 15 years before . That she grieved our 25th instead of wanting to celebrate it ( this was before she was aware of the texting ) I had set up a meeting with this woman while she was going away by herself for a weekend at a friends cabin. After she found out about it I cancelled the meeting and never went thru with it. But still she says she’s not sure if she’s staying or not. I sent her an email in June of 2015 that God had spoken to me and directed me to 1Cor 7 . I quoted it to her and said this is where I am . She said it was well written and we would have to work on it. This is July 2016 still nothing. I forgot to mention I also have aspergers which makes things even more complicated. I have literally pleaded with her saying I need to feel like a man again , im also on LTD from my job which of course is a lot of a mans identity too. So please tell me …What can I do? We sleep in separate rooms and she likes it that way, she says it’s my fault because I’m the one who moved to the other room. I did that because she has extreme insomnia and my snoring and twitching in my sleep was keeping her awake . She’s still working so I did that for her. But not so we would never have sex again. HELP! I don’t know what else to do……
I think sex is THAT important. I wish my wife felt that way.
I got a good one..
We have been married over 18 years. Made love every week or so for the first 3-4 months. Then my wife got addicted to real estate. Wants to buy & sell property, renovate, etc. Sex life slowed down dramatically when this started. Slowed down to only vacations, now been years since we did anything. Been trying get her to see the problems we are having…no luck. Meanwhile, she demanded new house, new car, expensive landscaping. Otherwise she threatens to leave me.
Talk about feeling like less than a roommate. Anytime it looks like she might have time for us, she finds another hobby or project to fill the time.
We attend church regularly.
I work full time, do most of the housework, take care of the dogs, etc. Fortunately, no children. We have made love less than 50 times in 18 years.
Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.