authentic, marriage problems, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles
What Does Sex Mean to Your Marriage? Here’s a Simple Way to Find Out.
Jan
What does sex mean to your marriage?
I’m not a professional counselor or doctor or theologian, and honestly, many of us aren’t those things.
Don’t get me wrong… I value their insights tremendously.
But even if we don’t have a lot of credentials, we still can gather a smattering of common sense to get at the heart of this question:
What does sex mean to your marriage?
There really is a simple way to find out.
I humbly encourage you and your spouse to sit down, each with a blank sheet of paper, and respond to the below statements.
Individually write your answers alone, and then come together and share openly what you each wrote. Use it as a springboard into humble, safe, authentic conversation about sex in your marriage:
-
List all of the PROS of nurturing sex in your marriage. What are the benefits?
-
List all of the CONS of not nurturing sex in your marriage. What are the negative outcomes?
In a few days, I will do another post and share my answers. It’s not that my answers are “right” — I just didn’t want to share them immediately because I am hoping you will genuinely look into your own heart and life and see what answers you arrive at.
For most couples, what you write will reveal the answer to the question:
What does sex mean to your marriage?
Let’s be the body of Christ in how we encourage and uphold marriages around us. You can make a difference in other marriages by sharing this post and encouraging others to come up with their own lists.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
PROS
Nurturing sex bonds you together as a couple more tightly, gives you opportunities to give pleasure to each other, tells your spouse rhat you consider your lovemaking important,encourages you to keep fit, healthy and attractive, its keeps you young in attitude,keeps you having fun.
CONS
Sadly this sends all the wrong messages. Sexual intimacy is not important, fun or desirable. At least one person is being rejected physically. That you are at best ” just friends “. Infidelity becomes a real possibility. Divorce is more likely.
Sex in my marriage means connection:
At times when things were tough, sex always brought us back. It is fun, sweet, and sometimes downright scary hot. Sometimes I think the power of it shocked us a bit when we were younger. Of course, God intended all of this. It was and is also private, just for us, a secret space where no one else is invited. What we do, how we feel, is a sacred, special part of the relationship.
It also personally makes me feel wanted, or needed, desired. When we make love, there is no rejection, no equivocation, no performance clause, just us connecting.
It is also release. The chemicals that hit my brain are overwhelming sometimes. I feel such peace after.
Cons:
Sex, when not desired by the other person, is rejection. Why doesn’t she want to do this? Did I say something wrong? Or do something wrong? Why am I wanting this connection and she doesn’t?
And then, there is the wanting of it, but with no promise of fulfillment. When will be the next time? Will there be a next time? Does she still love me? Of course, she does, but how could she reject me if she loves me? She tells me that her love has nothing to do with desire. She is tired she says, but she has time for job, kids, t.v., Facebook, but not me? Why am I so far down the list?
The other con then becomes reaction. If she didn’t want me, then next time, I won’t want her. So childish. But then, if I don’t show I don’t need her, am I not weak?
Sex is vulnerable, total honesty and acceptance of the other person. Not easily achieved.
@HMT–Dead straight on. Been there, done that, gone back again…
🙁
Sex is simple and complex at the same time. Sometimes it’s inconvenient and sometimes simpatico. It is times of gentle love making and others of primal scorching heat.
Sex is power through the vulnerability of submission. It is the epitome of the words of Christ as to being more blessed for giving than receiving.
Sex is free and tax free! (I see that as a BIG pro)
When nurtured it builds up my man when not nurtured it tears down.
Lastly, sex is a great teacher of what motives are inside of me – selfish or selfless.
Gee, I just scrolled back up — I think I missed the point of the question Julie, sorry.
Robyn
I totally agree with your sentence that begins ” when nurtured it builds up “
What is Sex? It is totally foreign to me and my marriage. Something I vaguely remember in the distant past that gave us two children…
My List:
PROS of NURTURING
Stopping the world for a moment
Strong and deep connection
Giving to one another
Being together, in the moment, just us
Truly knowing each other
Strong desire to stay together for the long haul
Reenergizing the relationship, refilling the gas tank
CONS of NOT NURTURING
Feelings of despair
Feeling unloved
Regretting ever getting married
Resenting the spouse even though there are many good things
Giving in to un-Christian temptations
Wanting out
Her List (I have to fill it in since she doesn’t care about sex and won’t talk about it):
PROS of NURTURING
None
CONS of NOT NURTURING
None