authentic, marriage problems, passion, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles
Why You Should Have A Lot of Sex
Oct
What constitutes “a lot” of sex?
What is considered “enough” sex?
Hmmm… the infamous “frequency” issue.
In nearly all marriages, at some point or another, a couple finds themselves struggling with, debating, avoiding or simply discussing this matter of sexual frequency.
It becomes either the elephant in the room — or the thorn in someone’s side — or the root heartache behind every argument.
In rare cases, for some couples, it is a moot point because they are having so much sex that it’s hard to keep track. (My husband and I are often in that camp. Not always, but often. I think our batting average would make seasoned major leaguers jealous).
No pun intended, but I bring up this frequency issue because I just read possibly the best post ever on How Often Should You Have Sex?
Well. Worth. The. Read.
Seriously… scamper on over to that post. I’ll wait. (Picture me casually singing show tunes in my head, waiting patiently for you to return).
I told you it was a good post, didn’t I?!
With regard to this whole frequency issue, I do think many factors affect it — BUT, I definitely agree with Mrs. Hot Holy & Humorous in the above-mentioned post.
If a couple isn’t nurturing their sexual intimacy on a regular basis… (and by regular… once a week is a good goal, but more is better)… then the lack of intimacy is likely taking a huge toll on their marriage.
Good Lord, do we really need to be adding to the things that are already taking a toll on our marriages? Aren’t there already enough inherent difficulties with it? And isn’t marriage itself already a big enough target for the Enemy? Do we really need to be pouring fuel on the fire by not having sex?
Those who are not nurturing sex can try as they may to say sex “is no big deal” or “isn’t a need.”
But truth always trumps selfishness. The truth is that sex is a soothing balm with numerous benefits — tangible and intangible.
And there are many, many marriages where there is absolutely no reasonable excuse for not nurturing intimacy. They aren’t in the midst of horrendous trust betrayals. They aren’t navigating debilitating illnesses or injuries. They aren’t separated by military or work-related commitments. Nope. I and other marriage bloggers (not to mention countless professional counselors) recognize that some situations make sexual frequency a more difficult matter to navigate.
But I didn’t write this post for those situations.
My heart and words in this post are for the couples where frequency is something that has been neglected for no other reason but careless attention to detail by one or both parties in the marriage.
And when I talk about frequency, I’m not talking about sex for sex’s sake. But for your sake. And your spouse’s sake. And your marriage’s sake.
Have sex often because you, your spouse and your marriage are worth it.
Have sex often because it’s an amazing way to worship the Lord.
Have sex often because that was part of the deal to which you agreed when you gave your life to this person you love.
Have sex often, as often as you possibly can.
Have sex so often that you can no longer keep track.
Do that, and it should be “a lot.”
And it should be “enough.”
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I think Daily is the number. Most guys feel to ashamed to admit it, but daily is a great place to be. That’s daily “on average”. So, if you miss a day, you have to make it up sometime with 2. 🙂
I read and commented on the post you mentioned above…great post btw and one I think everyone should read.
I am remarried after ending a twenty year abusive marriage almost four years ago…my current husband and I were married 11 months ago. It has been amazing to me to experience a healthy relationship and very satisfying sex life.
My husband and I made love pretty much every day after we got married last year and it just strengthened the already strong bond between the two of us.
Unfortunately, my husband has a different job now with horrible hours…up by 3am and in bed by 7pm…so our love life has dwindled down to once, or twice if lucky, on the weekends. It’s very, very rare for us to have any time during the week to make love and I am really starting to feel it affecting me. When almost a week has gone by without making love or even cuddling much, I find myself feeling impatient, cranky and more distanced from my husband. And sometimes I think it’s the lack of even just cuddling in bed that affects me. He is a very sound sleeper, so even though I cuddle up to him when I come to bed at night, sans clothes, he doesn’t usually reciprocate because he sleeps too soundly to even know I’ve come to bed. I miss feeling him hold me and touch me. We do cuddle on the couch in the evenings before he goes to bed and he is always holding my hand or rubbing my leg, but it’s not the same as being held while naked together even with no sex, kwim?
I haven’t said much to him mainly because there is nothing that we can do about his hours or lack of alone time during the week, and I don’t want to make him feel bad or make it seem like I’m just complaining. I do let him know though how much I enjoy our lovemaking and told him a couple weeks ago that the only bad part is not being able to do it more often, to which he agrees.
Now I know some would say to just go to bed early with him during the week, which I have done on the rare occasion we have the house to ourselves, but my two sons ages 21 and 17 live with us and it is awkward for me to think of telling them I’m going to bed at 7pm and then trying to be really, really quiet with their bedrooms right by ours. I did tell them I was going to take a shower one evening which just happened to correspond with my husband getting ready for bed and it turned into one long, hot shower. 😉
Perhaps if they were “our” kids it would be different, but the whole situation of me getting remarried and them having to live with us was difficult for both boys even though they like my husband.
Guess I just need to get my mind off of sex and try to curb my sexual drive, which is pretty high it seems compared to most women. 😉
thank you Anonymous for your comment… It sounds like you and your husband have a blessed marriage and I have no doubt the challenges with work hours will not deter you! I can relate about the work hours… my husband has worked odd shifts for the past 4-5 years. Not always easy.
On another note, I think the devotion you have to your current marriage, including the sexual intimacy, is a positive example for your boys. Step-family situations are not always easy (I come from one and we are in one because my older son is from my first marriage), but ultimately, I think if the two parents in the house can set a fabulous example of marriage, that gives a sense of stability for everyone.
Enjoy more long hot showers with your hubby! Ha!
Anonymous,
I had a thought or two for you. Is it possible to change your hours to more match your hubby’s? If you don’t work outside the home, you could try to keep hours more like your husband’s and thereby go to bed at the same time he does. Your grown sons don’t NEED you to be up to tend to them, I would guess.
By nature, I am more of a night owl. Actually truth be told, I don’t like to go to bed and then I don’t like getting out of bed in the morning either. But, I go to bed when hubby goes to bed (10-11pm) and get up within 30 minutes of when he gets up each morning (6:30-7am). I do this so that I can make him breakfast before he goes to work and pack him a lunch to take with him. I homeschool our children (well, two oldest are now graduated and only homeschool the 15yo still, which doesn’t really NEED me to help her much) and thus can change my hours however I choose. The two children that are still at home stay up later than my hubby and I MOST nights but keep things quiet (tv turned lower and music in headphones) so as not to disturb us.
Even if you work outside the home, you COULD change your rising and going to bed times to match your husband’s more, you’d just be up longer before going to work. 😉 It’s just a thought.
One other suggestion, you could change your hours to match your husband’s for part of the week, thereby still having more evening time with your sons for part of the week.
Hope this helps some! BTW, I believe your shower time is a grand idea. On the rare occasion that I do stay up later than my hubby, I shower and change into lounging pjs when he goes to bed, so I don’t disturb him as much when I do finally make it to bed, as he is a very light sleeper.
Thank you Julie about your thoughts on a blended family. It has not been easy this past year even though my boys like my husband. We moved into my husband’s house after we got married, so not only did my boys have to leave the home they had lived in the last 8 years, but then they moved into someone else’s house. My youngest had the hardest time, but seems much more comfortable here now and I have tried my best to make it “our” home.
My husband and I are very affectionate towards one another and he treats me with so much respect and love, unlike my ex ever did. So I do pray that my boys are finally seeing what a truly healthy marriage looks like and lately they both seem so much happier here. But I still have a hard time with the thought of going to bed so early, especially knowing that I will probably get back up and go sit out in the living for a while longer so I can actually go to sleep. 😉 That’s why I came up with the idea of saying, I’m going to take a shower, be out in a while. The only funny part when I did that once is my youngest actually texting me (my cell phone was on my nightstand) to see if I had gone to bed because I’d been gone in the “shower” for over 45 minutes. LOL
Thanks Michele for the suggestion. I do not work outside of the home right now so could definitely go to bed when my hubby does, but as I stated above I guess I feel strange saying through a pretend yawn, “I’m tired and going to bed” when it’s only 7:00pm! Guess I just feel weird knowing that the boys know what we are doing. Crazy huh?
Perhaps I’ll have to start making the shower a regular thing, at least a couple nights a week. 😉
Hi, this is Anonymous from the posts above.
Just thought I’d let you all know that I went to bed early last night, and got woke up early this morning too! 😉
Awesome Julie! I agree with you and J, wholeheartedly! It should be often. Trying to attach a number to it is really not a good idea because every couple is different, yet it is about nurturing your intimacy together. That needs to be happening many times a week! Your marriage is so worth it! 🙂
This is a hint: ” 2 days for sperm to replenish after orgasm, men typically report a sense of semen build-up after several days.”
When it builds up, you start climbing the walls, and noticing attractive women without consciously intending to; it is called testosterone, and there is no reasonable cure other than castration.
Like it or not, that lustful beast is that way because of biochemistry, God both made him that way on purpose, and He put the two of you together, among other things, to take care of that urge.
Glad to hear Anonymous..!! Hopefully it continues,…right ? ha !
Even though my kids are grown up and gone,can relate with what you go through at this time. Actually, I believe it is good for the children to see Mom and Dad showing affection for each other in the household,(kissing,saying sweet things to each other etc.),and then,as they grow older it is not such a shock to them when they find that Mom and Dad have disappeared into the bedroom and the door is locked. Fact is,my husband and I never did hide our nudity from them,from the time they were very young to high school age. We didn’t make a practice of it,but if they happened to see Mommy or Daddy come out of the shower in the nude,no big deal. We both thought by doing so,it would help subdue them when they reached puberty,already knowing what a grown female or male body looked like in the nude.
Kurmudge is so right,..God gave us a very ,very,strong sexual desire,so we would populate the world.It is only natural for us ,male or female to have such a strong need for sex.
I must say,it is somewhat easier as far as my sexual life is concerned ,with the kids being grown up and out of the household. Sundays are always a special day for us after returning home from church,… we never miss “pulling back the covers” as soon as we get home ,and sometimes it lingers on into the late afternoon ! Sex can not happen too often,no matter what age you are,..and it just gets better and better the older you get,..,and not a whole lot less often !
Judy
Thanks Judy, yes I do hope it continues! I sent my husband a text yesterday morning as I always do to say good morning and I let him know that he needs to let me know when he wants me to come to bed with him and I will make sure I do! After all, I told him, if he doesn’t invite me, I won’t come! ha! 😉 (Pun intended)
As far as my kids, it’s been a little more difficult since my boys are older (21 and 17) and from my first marriage, and at first they were not comfortable living in their stepfather’s house when we got married last year.
Unfortunately, my kids did not grow up in a healthy environment (as much as I tried) and they hardly ever saw much affection between me and their father, not because I didn’t want it, but because their father, my ex, just never showed it towards me.
But now they see how loving and caring their stepfather is towards me and how openly affectionate we are with each other…always a kiss hello, good-bye and many times in between! 😉
We always sit close together when watching tv in the evenings and my husband always holds my hand or at least has one hand on my leg or his arm around me.
He affectionately calls me “beautiful”, “honey”, and “sweetie” every day and always announces when he is home, “hi honey, I’m home!” May sound corny to some, but for the two of us it is just natural and feels so good after we each came out of bad first marriages.
Anyway, my boys are much more comfortable around us lately and I think they like that their mom is treated so well and see that their stepfather isn’t so bad after all…even if my ex tells them so. 🙁
BTW, I am 47 and my husband is 57 and we have both said that we’ve never had wonderful lovemaking before as we do with each other, and so much of it! I look forward to more years together and the sex only getting sweeter with time, and with an empty house one day! 😉
I changed my name from Anonymous to Aimee…I prefer not to use my real name here, but would like to be more recognizable in future posts. 🙂
Hi Aimee,
So curious as to how things are going for you ! Hopefully beyond what your expectations were,but after all,Rome wasn’t built overnight,so hang in there ! lol !
Aimee,I know how the kids being around can disrupt a married couples lovelife,but I just want you to know,once they are gone,…they’re gone for good,and like any parent,you will miss them tremendously,I sure did,…so do enjoy them while they are still there at home,…but yes life goes on, and so does the strong sexual desire God gave us human beings. I know your situation is different than mine ever was,being your hubby works such crazy hours compared to normal lifestyle for a married couple. Let me share with you a few things my husband and I did ,or tried to do (they weren’t always successful..!! lol ! ) to enable us to be together,even though our children were at home. There were just those times,we had such a strong uncontrollable desire for each other,that bedtime was too far away,and we couldn’t wait any longer. My husband soon installed a lock,from the inside on the entrance into my laundry room,..,now how many wifes out there,have there laundry room nonaccessible from the outside ? lol ! Reason for this,when we could stand it no longer we would meet in the laundry room,lock the door,and of course,I ALWAYS had laundry to do,either washing,..or drying,so the first thing one of us would do was throw something into washer,..or dryer,(to make noise..lol ! ) and then….we made LOVE !!. Yes,..right in the laundry room ! lol ! It was GREAT,..if you haven’t tried it yet,..DO so !!! Of course we enjoyed making love in our bed much more than the …laundry room….but it was our special place when we just couldn’t hold off till bedtime ! We seem to have this thing about us,that should we go to a movie,or such,..anywhere,where we set close to one another for an extended period of time,..well, it was going to happen, and many times we would frantically find the first motel we could get to,after leaving the movie…..to put each others fire out,knowing the kids were still up at home,and we just couldn’t wait any longer! lol ! Something else Aimee,that might interest you ,in at least trying,….is “sleeping in the nude”,even if your husband doesn’t prefer to do so. Believe me,..you will get results,no matter what time he has to get up,or gets home from work. I have slept in the nude ever since being married,and still do,and have been awaken many many,..many,… times in the middle of the night…and it still happens…lol !
Go for it Aimee !!!
In His Love,
Judy
Thanks Judy for taking the time to write and give some great ideas.
We have slept in the nude from the first night we got married a year ago…and I love sleeping that way! Unfortunately, it is still the problem of him having to be up by 3:30am so unless I go to bed with him at 7 or 8pm there isn’t much chance of it happening early in the morning during the week. And again it’s hard for me to just go to bed so early during the week when my boys are up, not that they need me to stay up with them, but they know that I usually stay up later at night (10-11pm). Guess that’s my own insecurity issue.
And we do not have a laundry room, otherwise that would be a great option!
I wish I could say that things have heated up some since I last wrote, but not much although this morning wasn’t so bad. 😉 The weekends are usually our time for lovemaking, it’s just during the week that is so hard to make it work. And by the time Friday night has come and the last time we made love was Sunday morning, well, I just feel the strain of it.
We also have the issue of ED because of his blood pressure medication and that makes even harder to be real spontaneous, although I don’t mind planning the night at all it’s just finding a night where he has not fallen asleep on the couch by 7:30pm!
BTW, my husband and I are the same way…we get really turned on just by sitting close to each other. I love it that we have such a strong passion for each other. Just wish we could act on it more often!
Anyway, I know I need to sit down with my husband and just talk this out. He may be feeling the same way I do, but neither of us is talking about it and assuming the other is okay with how it is.
I’ll let you know what happens.
Thanks again for checking in. 🙂
My hubby and I were talking about this today…it’s very difficult for us because he works 7pm-3am and I’m gone from 6am-4:30pm everyday for either work or classes…and we have a 14 month old daughter, plus my 18 year old brother lives with us, so it is very difficult to find time to be alone together. It’s definitely taking a toll on us but I have no idea how to fix it.
Hi Mel… thanks for the comment. I definitely think odd work schedules are a challenge. (My husband doesn’t work the shift your husband works, but he does work something other than M-F, 8-5, so I can kind of relate).
Do you have similar days off? My suggestion would be that you make it a high priority that on at least one of your days off each week, you carve out time for making love, even if it means you both have to really be diligent to get other tasks done before your days off… meaning, you don’t want to reach your days off and then have to spend the entire time doing laundry, running errands, etc.
I know your situation is not ideal, but your marriage is worth getting creative and being focused on how you can make the most of the time you do have together. The alternative becomes that your marriage suffers and sex falls by the wayside and this pattern becomes your “normal.” And obviously you don’t want that, short term or long term.
Be encouraged. Don’t give up. Find ways to be sexually affectionate and express your love for each other even if those moments can’t always lead to sex.
I like this article because it tries to grapple with a common issue. I agree that frequency and quality of sex has a lot to do with the relationship as a whole. Aiming for once a day is a good idea. The husband can always decide he doesn’t want to. I think there are two sides to this coin however. On the one hand, it is a great idea to try and have sex every day as a sort of challenge and testament to your love. On the other hand, some abstinence can really spice things up as well. It kind of reminds me of the 26 day sex marathon challenge written about on Canticci: http://canticci.com/sex-marathon-26-days-of-lovin/
I would like to read the website you recommend, but it’s by invitation only, and I cannot access it.
@Tim … I’ve just updated the links. That post is quite old and had some older links in it, but I have corrected them to the updated links.
Good catch! Thanks!