1. Let the Word, not the world, be your guide and gauge as to what makes for great sex.
If you want to be a better lover, you have to keep in check the lens through which you look.
All that stuff in the movies and on TV and in music videos, etc. — they call it “make believe” for a reason.
Those are choreographed scenes that are “made” so that we will “believe” in something that is usually a skewed version of reality.
In a way, wedding photography, especially the formal portraits, slightly falls into this category as well. I love my wedding photos as much as the next person, but they capture the choreographed essence of the day — they do not reflect all of the real life that has come after that day.
God is a sexy God, and while He is pleased with weddings, He speaks with greater depth and interest in the marriage. And as for the sex, what a gift He has given us!
Seek His heart and His Word and discover what He says about sex.
Allow yourself to come in agreement with Him on the holy and passionate and abiding gift it is.
2. Become a student of your spouse’s body.
Guys, you are at a slight disadvantage here, but don’t let that dissuade you. As for the “disadvantage,” all I mean is that a woman’s body is some crazy landscape and wiring. A lot of emotions beneath the surface, as well as, at times, a bewildering road of hormones.
Don’t give up, Oh Grasshopper. Keep learning. Keep traversing the landscape.
Gals, I think for many of us, the biggest stumbling block with a man’s body is that we think all that really matters to him is what happens with his penis. Don’t be so quick, though, to dismiss your ability to arouse him in other areas as well.
If he is like most husbands, he longs to be desired by you.
Desire him. With your eyes. With your hands. With your mouth. With your breasts. With your heart. With your words.
Desire him. Make sure there is no question in his heart as to how you feel about sex with him.
3. More foreplay.
I really don’t know how to be clearer on this point than simply how I’ve already stated it: More foreplay. In bed, out of bed, in the car, in the kitchen. You name it. Subtle. Direct. With words. Without.
If you want to be a better lover, sex cannot be confined only to the act of intercourse.
4. Exchange specific feedback.
You know what is more helpful than “Oooo… that feels good”? How about, “When you run your hand gently up my inner thigh and then take your time exploring my…” Well, you know where I’m going with this.
My point is that you are a better lover when you understand the specifics of arousal that really make a difference for your spouse…. AND you are willing to share what specifically arouses you.
5. Have more sex.
Occasionally, I will get an email from someone asking what is “normal” as far as frequency of sex.
Every couple and life stage has it’s own circumstances that affect frequency, so “normal” is really a subjective term. But in general, I lean toward “more frequent is better.” Now, I’m not saying that you should be doing it just to check it off your list, lest it becomes chore-like.
Quantity can’t stand alone as a factor; it needs to work in tandem with quality.
A friend and I were talking the other day, and she shared with me that sometimes when tension starts to increase between her and her husband, it’s often a good indicator that they’ve gone a bit too long without sex.
Certainly some tension and stress are a part of marriage, BUT infrequent sex will likely compound any tension. And sometimes, lack of sex is the sole source of the tension.
What would you say about frequency of sex in your marriage?
Are you and your husband on the same page about how much sex is enough?
Do you recognize the animosity that starts to increase when too much time has passed since the last time you made love?
I just think having sex as often as reasonably possible makes you a better lover, in part because it better equips you to be loving and gracious and fun in other areas of your life.
So there you have it… 5 ways to be a better lover. What would you add to the list? Do tell.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
9 thoughts on “5 Ways to Be a Better Lover”
These are fabulous! For wives specifically, I might add to be confident (although some husbands need to hear that too). Some wives are so unwilling to approach the marriage bed with full confidence that they are beautiful and sexy. When you believe in yourself sexually, though, you can let go and enjoy the experience so much more. And hubbies like when we wives are willing to strip down and show off what we’ve got.
Love your tips, Julie!
When you can snatch the pebble from … no let’s not go there.
Great post. Yes, women’s bodies are much more to study, but it can be done. Part of the trick it to know where she is in her cycle. It’s almost like having to study several women.
Very good tips – thanks. I also like J’s type about being more confident. I think that confidence is attractive and sexy – and we can always fake it (the confidence part) until we make it!
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I definitely notice that I get more irritated with hubby if we haven’t had sex for a while. It’s almost the same as PMS!
Every workday before 8am I lock the gate behind kids leaving for school, after waving them a couple of kisses. I feel so happy and liberated that I want to make love to him. When I enter the house, he’s already undressed. Some days though, having to deal with too many chores, I won’t give up to strip for him. He calls this asynchronous sex (what a sophistication). Then, weekends are too short to build up any tension between us.
We are both seniors and we have sex twice a week. Recently, for health reasons we could not do it for over two weeks. Then we did it and were both left frustrated as neither could reach orgasm. Next night, WOW! We both had the most amazing orgasms of our lives which we shall both remember to our dying day.
Don’t let anyone tell you that over 70s do not have sex. We do it more often and enjoy it more than ever before. Of course it helps that we are both head over heels in love with each other even more so than when we got married many years ago. I think she is the most wonderful woman in the world and she thinks I am the most wonderful man in the world. We feel like honeymooners, except that now we know what we are doing!
I and my wife had misunderstandings and she moved away from me with our kids. Later,she got into a relationship with a married man whom i very well know and he knows me very well.
We have worked out our differences and started a new life and soon we shall be staying together again. Some times not so often we meet and kiss and romance. My biggest problem is that she and this guy still communicate and meet. I suspect they are still carrying on with the relationship yet she told me she had called it off with him. I have never approached they guy . What can i do because i feel i am burning out.
Great tips I do have a ? Tho my wife and myself are reaching. The age of 50 and she has trouble enjoying sex like she did at one time what can I do to make it better for her I want to be a great lover for her feel free to email me any ideas