1. Let the Word, not the world, be your guide and gauge as to what makes for great sex.
If you want to be a better lover, you have to keep in check the lens through which you look.
All that stuff in the movies and on TV and in music videos, etc. — they call it “make believe” for a reason.
Those are choreographed scenes that are “made” so that we will “believe” in something that is usually a skewed version of reality.
In a way, wedding photography, especially the formal portraits, slightly falls into this category as well. I love my wedding photos as much as the next person, but they capture the choreographed essence of the day — they do not reflect all of the real life that has come after that day.
God is a sexy God, and while He is pleased with weddings, He speaks with greater depth and interest in the marriage. And as for the sex, what a gift He has given us!
Seek His heart and His Word and discover what He says about sex.
Allow yourself to come in agreement with Him on the holy and passionate and abiding gift it is.
2. Become a student of your spouse’s body.
Guys, you are at a slight disadvantage here, but don’t let that dissuade you. As for the “disadvantage,” all I mean is that a woman’s body is some crazy landscape and wiring. A lot of emotions beneath the surface, as well as, at times, a bewildering road of hormones.
Don’t give up, Oh Grasshopper. Keep learning. Keep traversing the landscape.
Gals, I think for many of us, the biggest stumbling block with a man’s body is that we think all that really matters to him is what happens with his penis. Don’t be so quick, though, to dismiss your ability to arouse him in other areas as well.
If he is like most husbands, he longs to be desired by you.
Desire him. With your eyes. With your hands. With your mouth. With your breasts. With your heart. With your words.
Desire him. Make sure there is no question in his heart as to how you feel about sex with him.
3. More foreplay.
I really don’t know how to be clearer on this point than simply how I’ve already stated it: More foreplay. In bed, out of bed, in the car, in the kitchen. You name it. Subtle. Direct. With words. Without.
If you want to be a better lover, sex cannot be confined only to the act of intercourse.
4. Exchange specific feedback.
You know what is more helpful than “Oooo… that feels good”? How about, “When you run your hand gently up my inner thigh and then take your time exploring my…” Well, you know where I’m going with this.
My point is that you are a better lover when you understand the specifics of arousal that really make a difference for your spouse…. AND you are willing to share what specifically arouses you.
5. Have more sex.
Occasionally, I will get an email from someone asking what is “normal” as far as frequency of sex.
Every couple and life stage has it’s own circumstances that affect frequency, so “normal” is really a subjective term. But in general, I lean toward “more frequent is better.” Now, I’m not saying that you should be doing it just to check it off your list, lest it becomes chore-like.
Quantity can’t stand alone as a factor; it needs to work in tandem with quality.
A friend and I were talking the other day, and she shared with me that sometimes when tension starts to increase between her and her husband, it’s often a good indicator that they’ve gone a bit too long without sex.
Certainly some tension and stress are a part of marriage, BUT infrequent sex will likely compound any tension. And sometimes, lack of sex is the sole source of the tension.
What would you say about frequency of sex in your marriage?
Are you and your husband on the same page about how much sex is enough?
Do you recognize the animosity that starts to increase when too much time has passed since the last time you made love?
I just think having sex as often as reasonably possible makes you a better lover, in part because it better equips you to be loving and gracious and fun in other areas of your life.
So there you have it… 5 ways to be a better lover. What would you add to the list? Do tell.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.