Today’s post comes from Kevin Bullard of MarriageWorks! Kevin and his wife Cetelia have a deep compassion for marriages and I’m humbled to have Kevin posting today. This is a post you won’t want to miss.
Since starting Marriage Works!, I have spoken with many husbands who are beyond frustration due to the lack of sexual intercourse taking place in their marriage. Two stories in particular jump out at me, and I’ll base this post on their experiences.
According to this husband, he and his wife sinned by having sex before marriage. In exasperation, he told me that they had more sex before marriage than they’ve had since being married.
Although he had expressed how he felt multiple times in multiple ways to his wife, it seemed that his complaint and need for sex both fell on deaf ears. She was like the King James description of the city of Jericho: “Straitly shut up … and none came in.” (Joshua 6:1)
This husband was in an interesting situation because the lack of sex in his marriage appeared to be related to his wife being pregnant. In the past they had suffered a stillborn and a miscarriage, and this husband said his wife refused to have sex due to not wanting to harm the baby.
Although doctors had ruled out the chances of harm being done to the baby through intercourse, one can understand her concerns given their history. At the same time, the husband told me that he was increasingly tempted to view pornography, and began seeing other women as more attractive. The husband explained these two things to his wife, and she acknowledged them, but still did not have sex with him.
Let me begin by saying that despite the temptations and lack of sex, both of these men had and will always have the responsibility to maintain their purity and fidelity. This is a covenant with God and their wife.
That said, both husbands also have a very real need that cannot be dismissed by encouraging them to “man up.”
Both of these men felt something that is often felt by a spouse who is the victim of adultery: rejection. They felt like they weren’t important enough to their wife for their needs to be met by her. Because these husbands felt like their needs didn’t matter, they felt like they didn’t matter, and that is a low place that hurts whether you’re male or female.
While some husbands deal with this rejection by stepping outside their marriage, others, like these men, deal with the rejection by giving it to God while trying not to grow bitter against the one woman who is their God-ordained sex partner.
As I said at the outset, I don’t know all the details of their individual stories, but I do know this much: this is not how God intended for marriage to be for husbands and wives.
It was not His plan for bitterness to take root due to spouses being denied their conjugal rights (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
It was not His plan for spouses to feel rejected and abandoned due to being denied sex from the one person they covenanted to have sex with.
If you, like the wives in this post, are denying your husband sex for any reason, I encourage you to challenge the reason against God’s word.
If there are physical issues causing you to deny sex, explain these to your husband, and seek out the necessary help. If there are emotional or forgiveness reasons causing you to deny sex, again, I encourage you to explain these to your husband, and seek out the necessary help.
In short, if you’re denying sex to your husband for any reason, seek the necessary help. It’s essential that you understand that your husband likely feels rejected, and Satan will do his best to exploit that rejection and turn it into sin.
Take ownership for any objections you have towards being sexually intimate with your husband, and pray that he will take ownership for any issues that may be causing you to feel the way you do.
Finally, together, seek a way forward so that you both feel loved, honored, and cherished enough to bring healing and growth to your sexual relationship.
Through Marriage Works! Kevin & Cetelia Bullard create experiences and resources that help you build a healthy, functional marriage. You’ll be encouraged and challenged as you interact with them through Twitter, Facebook, and their blog. And now, you can take your marriage to a new level through Marriage Works! 2Go, the world’s first mobile marriage coaching service that sends you daily marriage strategies, EBooks, and teaching videos via SMS or Email for less than a cup of your favorite beverage at Starbucks. If you’re ready to make your marriage work, you’re definitely ready for Marriage Works! 2Go!