5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex

Disclaimer: This post is directed at marriages where abuse is not occurring. I realize without this disclaimer, some people could assume I am saying that a wife in an abusive situation has no reason to deny sex.

If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive situation, I encourage you to find at least one safe confidante who will help you strategize on how to protect yourself and any children from the abuse.

Also, I recognize that some marriages are dealing with physical or mental illnesses that make sex difficult or impossible for a wide variety of reasons.  This post is not written for those situations either.

My humble hope is that this post speaks to wives who possibly have been sexually denying their husbands, treating sex as something inconsequential and don’t realize the toll that could be taking on their marriage.

Recently I received another comment.

From another frustrated husband whose wife has been denying him sex. I get these regularly, so one would think I’m numb to them all. But I’m not. I’m grieved every time.

Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying. I was the wife who thought it was “no big deal” that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that “someday” we would get around to figuring out our struggles.

Well, “someday” showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman. If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me.  One wife to another.

I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:

1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.

I could start  rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you. Here’s the deal—the Cliff’s Notes version you might say—sexual pleasure is God’s idea for both a wife and a husband.

Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding—all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff—those elements are all part of God’s plan for sex. And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.

Nope.

His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife. God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection. Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.

Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief! I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.

2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart.

Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues.  At least I’m guessing that’s the reason behind all the non-existent sex. Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.

Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health. They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven’t sought healing. Or maybe they are mis-information issues.  You were always told sex was “dirty” or “obligation” or “wrong.”

Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.

Do something.

Pray and read God’s Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book. Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.

I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering.  I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.

3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.

Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true. Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created. And division is Satan’s go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)

That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own? When you regularly deny sex to your husband—or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually—you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack. 

You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery. You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness. In no way am I removing a husband’s accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation. I’m just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.

You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan.  Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.

4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.

If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage. This isn’t about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let’s face it, it’s not. But I can only imagine that your heart’s cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.

“But my kids don’t even know what goes on with us sexually,” you may say. Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.

They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection. They get things that we don’t think they get. If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don’t forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.

5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.

I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry. Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life. When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him. Why would you want to hurt the person you love?

If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him.  Your actions are robbing you both of something profound. For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.

For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage!  You can find out all about it at this link:  Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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326 thoughts on “5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex

  1. Sue says:

    My husband and I are both retired and have been married 5 1/2 years. We have NEVER consumated our marriage – never. He can’t get a hard enough erection to make penetration, possibly due to strong medications he has to take. I did not realize his impotency was this extensive prior to marriage. What is even more difficult for me is that his hygiene is deplorable. He rarely showers or brushes his teeth, so oral sex with him is disgusting, to the point of causing me to vomit. He will receive oral sex, but rarely does he give it. Because he rarely wants oral sex, around once every 5 or 6 months, and with his refusal to bathe, I don’t object, but I miss a good romp in the hay very, very much. I do mourn our lack of intimacy and know we are missing a beautiful part of marriage. He also sits in his chair ALL DAY watching TV and does nothing to help around the home or yard. I do it all, wait on him like he is a King, and hire some of the more difficult outside chores to be done. He takes several meds for depression but I see little progress in this area. He acts like he is a very, very old man. I am his nurse, maid, and mother, but NOT his wife. We are Christians, involved in our church, and I feel divorce is not the wisest option, yet I feel trapped and have to struggle 24/7 to find my joy. We sleep in separate beds mostly because I am very frustrated and feel such anger and repulsion towards him. He is quite large and has truly let himself go. He seems very relieved to have his own bedroom because he senses my sadness. I have discussed my feelings with him many times but he does not seem to care about me, his wife. I am trying to draw on God’s love more and more for survival. Yet I feel loss and sorrow in knowing our retirement years are so mundane with little zest, vitality, or excitement.

  2. als says:

    So what about the husband denying his wife sex? I have been in a five year marriage in which we have had sex once every six months or so. I used to beg him for it (he is only 30 now) but a year ago I chose to do the same to him. Oddly, he has now started to want sex every few days for the past two weeks. I do not know if that means this has fixed his issues, but I feel like my denying him has made him rethink the situation. I don’t have the willpower to continue denying him for much longer, but I thought my situation was worth mentioning.

  3. Rory says:

    My wife takes many medications and before I married her had a very healthy sex life but since meeting me and saying that I am the one that she thinks is so gorgeous and gives me all these fantastic compliments and wants me so bad hardly ever have sex with me. This is pretty much driving me crazy because I do everything you want to be with her in the only time it seems like that I can is sometimes every couple of weeks at 2 or 3 in the morning but I have to get up to go to work at no later than 6:30 in the morning. I am so very tired when she does desire it I don’t know what to do and if I knew she wanted to that night I would probably take a nap but there is no telling because it is very seldom. She always tells me she wants me but if it was in the morning I can’t get her awake and if it’s in the afternoon there’s always excuses and the evening is the same way. I am very desperate and I love her very much and I think she is the most gorgeous person on the face of the Earth. I believe we are going to start going to marriage counseling and the bad thing is that we are still newlyweds because we’ve only been married less than a year. We did not have this problem before we got married with I’m ashamed to say we shouldn’t have had sex at that time but now that we are it is constant! I’ve even had my doctor write me pills to take so that I can perform better due to late hours when I only get a couple hours sleep at night do to her sleeping habits and that is the time I am so worn out that I don’t think any pill could help! There is nothing about her that turns me off but at 1 or 2 in the morning when I gotta get up in a few hours I can’t seem to keep an erection because of being so tired I think? She tells me that if I wake her up kissing all over her and doing things such as foreplay that is what she truly desires but I’ve even tried that and she seemed to really enjoy it until it’s time to have sex and then she pulls the plug. I am very desperate and want to be with this woman but I do not know why our sex even though we shouldn’t have been having it before marriage was better than it is since we’ve been married. I feel like God is punishing me because of what we’ve done but we have asked for forgiveness many times and I don’t know what else to do because I would not leave this woman for nothing in the world!

  4. Alowis says:

    Rory, God forgave already ,He don’t holds gruges or your wrong doing ,this the devil fighting your marriage ,they is untimarriage demons ,
    You must stand in the name of Jesus Christ and claim your marriage your intimacy.be bolt and take back that plesure

  5. Butch says:

    I’ve been married to the same woman for more than 30 years, been with her for more than 33 years. I’ve been faithful, been tempted but never strayed.

    Our sex life was never spectacular, but now it’s non-existent. She’s never “in the mood”, etc. Tired, moody, too busy, you name the excuse, she’s used it. She claims she’s not the “horny little girl” I married.

    It’s not like I’m trying to jump her bones every day. I’d settle for once a week, which would be a great improvement.

    I work hard, put in a lot of hours (65/week) to support us, and when our son was young I worked 2 jobs so she could stay home with him. These days she works just 15 hours each week, despite having a college degree which she never put to use. I’ve never pressured her, never told her she had to bring home any certain amount of income, only that she take care of the house, which if you saw it you’d never know.

    She recently floored me when she suggested I could go get my needs satisfied outside our marriage, but I couldn’t spend any money on this woman! It just reinforces my belief that I’m nothing but a paycheck to her.

    So this is my reward for being faithful all these years? Just throw away my marriage vows?

    It’s not just sex that I want. I want to make love to a woman. More specifically, I want to do it with the woman I took down the aisle!

    Is it all her fault? Of course not. My hours and shift (I work the graveyard shift) means our time together is somewhat limited. I’m no Don Juan, mind you. I’m an average-looking 53-year old with salt and pepper hair. And I’m more than a few pounds heavier than I was 30 years ago. The same is true for my wife, but that does not mean I don’t want her. I figured she would be happy that I still desire her. But I guess that’s not the case.

  6. James says:

    Warning to all men married to, or to thinking of marrying a woman with kids. My wife has a 19 year old daughter that I love dearly. We met when the daughter was 11. In all practicality, my wife is married to her daughter. No matter what we do, she is always first and her feelings are all that matters. She only does what the daughter wants, and the few times she does what I want, as a husband, she is wracked with guilt of what the daughter might feel. This marriage was a hug mistake for me. I should have listened to the older, wiser people in my life. It’s easier for me in the bedroom alone or walking about town alone. At least I don’t have to see or listen to them adore each other.
    Men, Learn from me!!!

  7. James says:

    Oh, and don’t get me started on how the ex is in our lives because that is what the daughter wants. If God allowed divorce for this, I would be out of this marriage.

  8. Marriage & Sex Positive says:

    These comments are all so painful, yet so familiar. This is why sexuality in marriage must continue to be an issue this and other sites talk about. And why community within the sex-positive Christian community is so important, so people like those commenting here can talk to others. God bless everyone and stay strong.

  9. Jim says:

    My wife denies me of sex most times. We never had sex before marriage. We have been married for just 8 months. I work in a different city so I come home every fortnight. I want to stay faithful through my marriage life, but my wife makes the enemy put ideas in my mind especially when I arrive from work the first day and she denies.

    This is killing and I guess it is ruining our marriage as well. She never give any reasons but excuses only.

    I am hurting seriously, and my heart is broken considering she first did it during our honeymoon and we talked extensively and she promised me it will never happen but it seems it is going to be like.

    I don’t know how long I can cope.

    Big Jim

  10. Claud says:

    Am also a victim, i thought i was only one. I thought i had a problem for wanting sex regulary. But seriously it hurts much that all i want is divorse. Am 29, she’s 30 we have 2 kids one is my step son. I always wonder why i got married.

  11. Sexually wishful wife says:

    This would be a nice idea but life often doesn’t work that way.
    When I deny my husband sex I am preserving my sanity and my ability to parent.

    I do not think a husband has an unconditional right to sex in marriage. If he is generally caring and respectful to his wife, and he approaches her a caring way and uses sex to express love and doesn’t try to force unexpected unwanted painful acts on her during sex and he is considerate and caring during sex, and everyone is generally healthy, and they don’t have young children, then sure, but well…it’s not alway like that.

    My husband was callous and contemptuous during sex for a long time. It got to the point that not only was he unwilling to do enough to avoid sex being painful, he actually got offended if got aroused during sex, because wet sex bored him and he wanted dry sex. The sex had been completely devoid of care affection or intimacy years before and I got no pleasure from it beyond a minor physical release at the price of feeling sick to my stomach, degraded, betrayed, and violated, so when started preferring painful intercourse I quit.

    He was verbally abusive years before that and refused to quit call me names. Going to my spouse for support beyond contemptuous manipulation to get more fodder for his mind games and incessant back stabbing was out of the question. In the entire 12 years we’ve been together we’ve had one private conversation because I respected his wishes. We haven’t done anything alone together beyond sign legal documents, enroll the kids in school and attend marriage counseling after he got physically violent. The marriage counseling did serve as a consequence for the physical violence so he knows he can’t physically kick me around, but beyond that it did nothing. Even the easy minor 30 second communication exercises weren’t worth the bother. At this point I think if I lived alone with my husband he would kill me within a year. He really doesn’t want to be married, but he doesn’t believe in divorce either. It leaves him with older uglier options.

    At some point I think it’s important to point out that sex is one aspect of marriage. If love, care, the wife’s ability to trust her husband with her physical safety during sex, respect, and mutual concern, and a willingness to provide pleasure or at least alleviate pain are completely absent from the marriage the wife is justified in requiring a marital union before continuing to consummate a marriage and bear children for a man who literally cannot be bothered to give her time of day. Marriage is supposed to be a union where a couple works together as a team, not an opportunity for men to sexuality violate and betray a woman’s trust. How a man treats his wife in bed really does have an immense impact on whether she should have sex with him or not.

  12. Kubs says:

    Well, am a young man married for 6 years with two daughters. From the above threads​ & very many others all over the world wide web on sexless marriage, I can attest that I have experienced​ more than enough emotional torture & cruelty from the person that I sincerely love, made to feel guilty of being born and raised as a man & sometimes even wonder why God put testesterone hormones only for me to be denied intimacy in all it’s physical and emotional form.
    I remember trying to do all my best to make up for falling short e.g. helping around house chores, with kids, etc. only to be finally labelled a woman. That pretty hurts.
    Well, for the six years, I have enjoyed sex 5 times only. The only other times were duty-sex which I eventually withdrew from.
    In short, I have tried severally on my part to bring back the lost love, the intimacy, but seems a futile exercise. I have even shared with her the importance of sex to men through you tube videos and sites like this but, it’s routinely dismissed as referred to the introduction above. I was seriously damn faithful!
    Now am just looking forward to returning back home for vacation and file for divorce. Am better off alone and sorting the interests of our kids albeit asunder coz additionally​, I just feel like am of late being valued for the cheques only.

  13. Mark says:

    After dating a few years my wife and I married this year. Sex was great over a year ago and has stopped. She doesn’t like to hug kiss or even cuddle anymore. I tried talking with her a number of times and it was ignored. The last time she even laughed about it. We never consummated our marriage as of yet. I married her because I love her but it is quite aggravating that there is no intimacy. I really miss it and don’t feel loved.

  14. ignored! says:

    Gopher, Paycheck, Handyman. Also personal maid. Livin’ the dream! (Sarcasm) Much is said about the man breaking his vows but nothing EVER about the wifes. “To have and to hold, (SEX) till death us do part.”

  15. Gods design is horrific as you describe it says:

    I’m assuming this applies in verbally abusive marriage where sex is stomach churning, revolting, and makes the wife feel cold and dead inside. I’m assume the resulting fury from “I love I love you” during sex “traitorous whore” 20 minutes later has no barring on the wife’s obligation to provide sex.

    Nor the days of silent treatment, constant running down of the wife to anyone who will listen, complete lack of privacy in the marriage (meaning other people get blow by blow accounts of the sex to other people and the wife’s confidence are used as gossip), financial control, physically impossible demand (support the family but don’t leave the baby and toddler), and implied threats of violence, and constant contempt, no these things do not justify withholding sex from an unrepentant spouse who eacalates when the wife talks about it. If he does it more when she complains he can prove she’s wrong. And of course filing for divorce is also a sin yes?

    Maybe before you assume women who are denying sex, because be honest you assumed men had rightious reasons and it is only women who are shaming themselves and betraying God and their husbands, it might be worth it to consider if there are ever, under any circumstances reasons, women as well may wish to excercise sexual consent **for long periods of time** in a marriage. Just a suggestion.

  16. Julie Sibert says:

    @Gods Design — I apologize if my post led you to believe that I approve of abuse. My heart goes out to you and any person who is in an abusive situation.

    Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time knows that my writing is in the context of God’s design for healthy marriage, which of course does not include abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial).

    I have modified the post with a disclaimer at the beginning.

    I do encourage any spouse — female or male — to seek the help of at least one other person if abuse is occurring in the marriage. I know this is not easy, but staying in an abusive situation is not easy either.

    My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your pain, and certainly I am sorry if my post unintentionally caused further pain.

  17. V A Joseph says:

    No comments.

    I will not divorce her for not allowing me to have sex. (29 years we are together) I will not go after other ladies or do self indulgence.

    Jesus help me please.

  18. DJ says:

    My stay at home wife deliberate needs time/space and has been withholding sex from me for over a decade. we might do it 3-4 times a year very sexless and boring when we do she lays there like wet noodle, i go down she gets hers i go at it and then its over. shes a good mom, good with words has an online social media addiction over 12 hrs a day on the computer with no income to show for it. our kids are teens now too she homeschools them. well, with a recent fight i decided to open a new bank account and i am going to delibertly withold 200 of my 1500 payroll check every two weeks for 1 month and see how that makes her feel. bear in mind sex to me is more important than my lame paycheck. Sex and money are both very important needs she needs to feel it as ive been paying to allow her to be at home all these years paying her school loan and credit card bills. I am about to save up to move out she has a tiny window to fix this but i wont hold my breath. Separation then divorce is more than likely the resolution to problems we can not solve.

    she wanted kids i did not, we had kids i loved her at the time. so she found out after we had kids i did not want them. she wont ever let that go and she bi*ches i don’t do enough around the house bear in mind i work two full time jobs and i’m not home on the weekends. so those two reasons are why she is not having sex with me. shes gonna need to get a real job pretty soon because i’m done. I dont even love her now since our last fight.

  19. Stella says:

    DJ
    What if you pray to God for your marriage instead of divorcing her which would mean committing a sin to your God. Please calm down. The bible says a person’s heart is into the hand of the Lord. Please pray instead for your marriage and for your wife. She might not even know what she is doing until you divorce her. Then she will start crying ohh God what I have done. Don’t listen to her words… it is the devil that took over her, to hurt you and your marriage. Let’s face it.. How can a normal wife not worship a man that works hard and cares for the family, allowing her to even stay at home.
    Please pray to God, he will change her. Don’t be angry… may God strengthen you. This advice is also for all of you here in the same situation. I love you all and feel sorry. take care…

  20. D says:

    I’m tired of trying to get with my wife I’m tired of trying to impress her, it seems that I get nowhere it’s been over 8 years now, I have tried talking but she doesn’t like talking about it, you see I’m retired now I was forced to medically retire a little early at 56 because I had a bad accident at work, well anyway I feel she doesn’t respect me because I’m not working although I still bring in more money than her retired, I do housework, yard work, do repairs on her car my point is I just don’t lay around I try to stay busy but I don’t think she’s impressed, what really hurts is at night when she thinks I’m sleeping I can hear her touching herself, I’ve brought it up to her n she only denies it, I wish she wanted me, i try to stay in shape for her, but it’s been soo long I’m losing interest in her intamacy she rarely kisses me and hugs are even more rare, sometimes I just get soo tired of trying D

  21. D says:

    I want to ask a question, Is withholding sex from your husband a form of abuse? If so I have been going through it over 7 years, also would withholding sex be considered breaking your vows that were made when we first got married and is that reason for leaving? I am torn because I know if I leave she will have a hard time financially you see I’m retired and she still working but I make more than she does monthly, I know I still love her and don’t want any harm to her but at the same time I am very lonely, and I miss intamacy even someone just to sit n talk with or to sit next to me while watching a movie, I’m not bad looking I’m not obese I try to stay in shape for her but nothing works I don’t think that she likes me anymore I pay bills yard work, pay rent, take her places I don’t know what to do to get affection from her I need a vacation by myself

  22. D says:

    I understand “ignored” for me it’s been 8 years without my wife’s touch, I miss that soo much, I’m not a bad man I do what is expected of me, but I’m growing weiry and don’t know what to do except pray, God Bless you all, this I know God is never late,…lonely husband D

  23. Bob says:

    I have been married for 35 years and the first ten were very good. Our sex life was mutually fulfilling and we enjoyed it frequently but the last twenty-fivr years have been a rapidly decending spiral down.
    If she does concent to sex, its a quicky at best. She is detached, cold and she makes me feel as though she is tolerating me. At best we may have sex once every couple months but usually maybe, every 6-8 months.
    Once I thought I’d try an experiment and not approach her and see if she would say or do anthing; to see how long it would take for her to desire me. I began the test the day before Valentines Day 2010 and one year later, on 14 February, 2011, she had said nothing, did nothing and when I asked her if she remembered the last time we had sex, she said ‘a while ago.’
    I told her it had been a year and she said she was sorry and that, what she always says, it wasn’t my fault, that her anti-depression meds killed her labido.
    I’m not on any meds, nothing inhibits my labido and I am struggling everyday.
    I asked if she still desured me and,she smiled and said she did but there is zero display of this.
    She says she loves me but 99% of the time pulls away from my touch, turns over with a sigh of digust, or gets up and goes down to watch tv sayning she can’t sleep as an excuse.
    I am a Christian man. I am a child of God and so claims my wife and yet she will not listen to Gods word or read what it says about fidelity and doing the goodbyou can do, not witholding, lovibg as Christ loves His church. I would at least like an honest answer to why.
    Feel I’m being punished for something, that thrre is, something repulsive about me to her. I know this is not me, I have been hit on by many women and had I not been a man of God I would have either left her for someone else or had an affair.
    I feel trapped and I thank God for His nercy and grace toward me.
    More than frustrated

  24. Alan says:

    D., if you leave, trust me-she will NOT have a hard time financially. She will get YOUR money. You said it yourself; you make more than she does monthly. Do the math.

  25. Chris says:

    Men listen up. Women will come up with every excuse in the book to deny their husbands sex. It’s sad and it’s pathetic. I know so many good, decent and faithful men who do everything right but still they are denied. My wife is one of these women.
    Sadly feminism has destroyed any chance of most marriages surviving. Women today were raised to believe that all men are bad, cheaters, incompetent, untrustworthy etc. etc. Consequently, a man today is nothing more than a commodity to be used and expended. Once a woman has the ring, the house and the kids, she’s in the drivers seat and she knows it. Why wont they have sex? Because they dont have to! What’s the husband going to do? Divorce her and lose everything. LOL
    Most single men I know will never get married. They know once they do, there will be no sex and most of their assets will be gone once she’s through with him!

  26. CDam says:

    I’ve been married to my wife for 8 years and we have had sex for 3 years!!!!! (Yes I know it’s a long time and no I never cheated!!) I have tried everything from suggesting counselling right through to trying to work it out between us but she says that Everytime I mention the word sex it pushes her further away from me! I find that reasoning ridiculous! Sex is something that needs to be discussed as husband and wife! The sad thing about it is as a Christian I want to remain faithful to her and keep the family in tact but my wife couldn’t careless how hard I tried me wanting to be intimate with her. I’m left with no other reason but she’s doesn’t love me and wants me to leave so she can enjoy single life with the kids and I was just a means to an end to allow her to do that. The way I see it is the scripture in 1 Corinthians 7 where it says do not deprive each other of it to me is a command and the moment a spouse refuses intimacy especially for 3 years without any health condition are basically signing themselves out from the marriage and breaking the vow. If a spouse knows in the beginning that that’s how they are going to treat their spouse they shouldn’t get married period.

  27. Jace says:

    Will never ever married again. Done with crap like this and dealing with it much. Enough is enough. Marriage is a joke now its 2017 and always will be a corrupted joke its not what it use to be and never will ever. Those days are over and completely over.

  28. Rick says:

    I am also going through hell no sex always excuses and i was planning on marrying this lady, but a got a feel that i wont get any sex after marriage, i tried to talk to her about this but she careless and she told me that i expect too much and she not a porn star, truly speaking i am suffering emotionally and i do not want to cheat but i do not know what to do, everytime i mention anything related to say she show less interest, lately we went on vacation i was still denied sex there, you know she can spend the whole day on social media without getting tired but when it comes to sex she complaints that she tired raise her voice even killing the mood, should i continue with wedding arrangementmentsleave before things get worse help please

  29. Nubia bizness says:

    Rick

    Yeah man… you are NOT compatible; therefore you should NOT get married if intimacy means a lot to you. If you actually get married then you are fully accepting the fact that intimacy is not a priority in your marriage.
    If I had known I would NOT have married my wife! If someone would’ve told me that intimacy: holding hands, hugging, kissing, making love, sex of various kinds/positions… I would NOT have married!!

  30. Songs of the Believers says:

    We talk about this subject often at our community, because sexless marriages are something many struggle with. It’s not surprising there are so many comments on this post over years – it was also a popular topic over at HH&H.

  31. Dave N says:

    For the last 20 years, I have been going back and forth through the seven stages of grief about my wife’s refusal of me. Lengthy periods would go by, and then for a moment there’d be intimacy, back into lengthy periods, during which I experience all kinds of emotional upheaval. My wife has a naturally low sex drive, low testosterone, exacerbated by Paxil. 4 years ago we had sex 8 times, 3 and 2 years ago it was 5 times each, and now it’s been 13 months. I have accepted that our sex life is in the grave.I’ve been pushed away so many times, I have zero desire whatsoever for her. I do understand that I vowed in sickness and in health. I understand that she’s emotionally and psychologically not well. I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed for a restoration, with no answer. I do indeed have sexual feelings and desires. At age 63. And, I expect that I will continue to. In reasonable health, I could easily live another 30 years. The thought of a discreet Affair used to tempt me, but I know it would wreak devastation on my four kids and six grandkids. I tried to rationalize it going to a massage parlor might be okay. I can’t do that! So, just like “Nights in White Satin”. “The lonely man cries for love, and has none.” I have initiated counseling, gone to retrovaille programs, she’s not interested in trying at all. I even called dr. Laura. Her advice? Get a hobby. For God’s sake, if you’re reading this, and you’re a denier, stop it! You’re doing great harm to even yourself! I believe my wife wouldn’t need antidepressants if we had a sex life.

  32. Pingback: Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About a Sex Blogger, But Just Haven't Asked Yet. | Intimacy in Marriage

  33. SeverelyDepraved says:

    Most important point missing from the article:

    To deny sex to your spouse is SIN!
    Sin should be confronted and be repented of.
    Churches should address this and hold the sinner responsible. The Church needs to start teaching this.

  34. SeverelyDepraved says:

    To deny sex is SIN, see 1 Co 7

    The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    How many commands do you count?

    1. should fulfill his/her marital duty (i.e. have sex)
    2. does not have authority over his/her body (i.e. available for sexual pleasure to your spouse)
    3. yield your body to your spouse (to let him/her have sex with it)
    4. do not deprive each other (of sex), i.e. rob your spouse of what is rightfully his/hers
    5. only when you both agree (to not have sex) is it OK to not have sex
    5. after a short time, come together again (to have sex)

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  36. Mike T says:

    Got married, and there is very little sex. Less than 5 times a year. I was virgin and believed in the whole purity thing, now I’m being denied. Lesson learned.i should have fornicated before marriage.

  37. Pingback: 4 Devastating Assumptions About Sex In Marriage | Intimacy in Marriage

  38. Rusty says:

    I love this post! Suffering for 30 years now, unbelievable! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, ever helped the situation. But this gives me an idea and I hope it’s not underhanded.
    What if I ask the kids if they think Mom is caring and respectful to Me. If they are courageous enough, I bet they would say no.
    That should make an impact!

  39. deprived says:

    I run. 7 years now and no intimacy whatasoever with constant mental twists and turns every single time I try to talk about it . I run. I run at the gym while listening to good , loud , rock music . I run for hours. I work out , and I run. Praying has done nothing. It is as though God does not care about sex and marriage. …. so …. I run.

  40. larry says:

    Wife and I have been married for 20 years and as of 3 years ago she has been with holding sex and claims to be Christian. Just an example of one of the reasons she is with holding sex she said because I am a Freemason and that makes me evil and that I was going to hell.

  41. RL says:

    I don’t know that this “reply” belongs here, but I’m new to this site, just happened to stumble on it researching our challenge.
    My wife doesn’t really deny me “sex.” What she denies me is penetration. We are both in our 60s and about to be married for 6 years. While we were dating/engaged we discussed what our expectations were going to be re. sex in our marriage. My wife and I pretty much agreed we would have a fairly robust sex life. I had one in my previous marriage (my first wife died several years ago). My current wife, whose first husband cheated on her did not. She claims she had to initiate all sex. Our problem is this: she didn’t tell me sexual intercourse HURT. Not until after the honeymoon did she let me know this. The last penetration I had, 4+ years ago, she said resulted in blood. At my insistence she went to her gynecologist and got some hormone cream treatments. She became pliable; but while we had a robust mutual masturbation relationship (and still do) penetration was/is out. I now think she was holding out on me when we first discussed these things before marriage. I also think her first husband left her for this reason. (He went back to his first wife.) Lastly, because I’ve had some ED challenges, whenever I’ve gotten treatment and have a decent erection again, she said she didn’t want me to use those things (Viagra and Cialis) because she thought they affected me negatively. Now I’m thinking she was afraid I would get a strong erection, penetrate her, and she would be in pain again. BTW, the problem really isn’t that she is not pliable are large enough inside; it’s just that her entrance is restricted. Once inside there is more than enough room. She is also beginning to produce her own lubrication again.

    I’m at my wits end as to what to do. Mutual masturbation only goes so far. I also tell her how does she expect her entrance to get larger if nothing is done to stretch it?

  42. Kevin says:

    I been married for 8 years. I do all the chores accept for the laundry because my throw it all in as one load doesn’t work for my wife. I even do all the cooking and clean up the kitchen after. I do everything my wife wants me to do without ever complaining. I will always be glad to serve my wife. I figured out in the first year of marriage that sex will be very limited. I kept telling myself that marriage is not about sex and that it is a luxury. We’ve talked about the lack of sex only a few times. The last time I asked if she wanted to have sex she blew me off and said that the way I asked didn’t excite her. I don’t know how to ask for sex now. We haven’t had sex for a year. The time before last was a 6 month gap. I want to give up but I love her too much to leave her. She has no sex drive and if I talk to her about it I might sound self serving. We have been going to counseling for 6 months and the only thing we get out of it is knoladge that she doesn’t want to stir things up and won’t discuss things with me. One thing she is holding against me is the one fight we had 6 months ago. We have a dog and she was using the dog to see how I would be as a father. ITS A DOG. I told her that if I was going to be the only one to take care of a child like I have the dog then I don’t want children. Yes that was probably stupid because she still to this day thinks that I don’t want children with her. Now my reasons have changed for not wanting kids with her. The fact that she is ok with a divorce bothers me enough that I don’t want to have to pay child support. I can’t get over the fact that she would divorce me. We are doomed to divorce but I really don’t want to ever go down that road with the woman I love. If you are reading all my rambling and haven’t gotten married yet, take my advice and don’t ignore anything in pre-marital counciling. We ignored the fact that neither of us are good with conflict and it is hurting us both. Please pray for us.

  43. Tabitha says:

    I am married for 15 years. Sex was wonderful for months before our 1st year anniversary, before he cheated on me, then he never stop cheating on me. He became addicted with porn, name it! Sex text, video sex, going online to find sex, hooking up with anybody he finds, he do eyeball after he became a member of a free sex clan, got an std, and as if it wasnt enough he had a 19 yr old sex buddy for 18 months before the girl let me know of their relationship.
    After councelling and a thousand broken promises he denies me of sex. He cannot perform with me. Just wondering how is it possible for a sex addict? What hurt me most is that i cannot have a child, my ultimate dream because of him. He denies me not only with sex but with my dream…
    I really want out.

  44. Matthew says:

    @Kevin: You may never see this comment, not sure how to contact you directly but I hope you someday see this. I am in a similar boat as you, but a bit earlier on in the process. Instead of praying for you, I’m going to tell you what I believe to be the (possibly uncomfortable) truth: Sex is not a luxury, my friend. That is a lie from your enemy. You are afraid to ask cuz you might sound self-serving…but your fear is the problem. It is getting you nowhere, and your relentless “serving” of your wife has its place but it is putting effort in the incorrect place. Do you love and value yourself enough as a child of God to ask for sex? Do you love your self enough to take a stand and fight for you? It sounds selfish, but your wants in this situation are NOT evil; they are fitting. God values YOU that much. For your own good, please take courage and stand up for yourself. It is a risk, and it is so very hard, but you can do it. You are only doomed to divorce if you sit and do nothing.

    @Tabitha. You have scriptural grounds for divorce as he has obviously abandoned your marriage. For your own good, I would leave if I were you. By staying you only abuse yourself and you continue to enable to him in his addiction. I say this with love and sadness; I cannot imagine how crippling it must feel to be denied so much.

  45. Eric Thompson says:

    Married in May of 17. I was so in love with my wife when i walked down the aisle that I honestly knew I had never loved or even attempted to love a woman more then her. I absolutely love sex and explained that to her well before we started having sex or were married so there were no surprises. Well surprise, I’m left high and dry with the excuses by the dozen like I’m too tired (but has no job) pretends to fall asleep when she hears me coming to the room but I’m the insomniac and I know when she’s really sleep tells me she’s not a porn star has all the time in the world to do all the things she wants but never has time for sex and when we do she is an assassin at killing the mood or even me wanting to have sex with her anymore. Even when im gone on the weekends to spend time with my son miraculously she can stay up all night until 3 ir 4 am but cant stay up passed 930pm when im there!!! I’m not trying to toot my own horn but I’m a handsome guy and have had plenty of opportunities to be with someone else but I only want to be with her. Anytime other women are hanging around she’s real close and acts like she loves me but when it’s mostly men around she’s giving them the eye and tries to lose me in stores and pretends like she was looking for me the whole time when I’ve been standing in the place. I’m so hurt by her actions and her ways that it’s getting to the point that I just don’t care how much money I lose I just want someone who wants and loves to be with me without acting like having sex with me is a chore. I just don’t get it…i give that woman everything and all I want is one thing in return, her love. When I’m next to her while shes sleeping at night in bed I can’t help but think of other women I’ve been with in the past where this problem was never an issue. It’s the only thing we fight about…its the only thing that separates us. I’m starting to hate coming home to her cause I don’t want to hear another lame excuse of why she can’t have sex or her miserable act of pretending to fall asleep so she doesn’t have to be with me. I wish she would just be woman enough to say what the problem is or just leave. God knows I love her but when it has come to the point where u have sat down and talked and talked and talked and she still not getting it then it’s up to me to stop my heart from hurting because I think she wouldn’t care if it bled out!! Please help because I’m at the point where I don’t know if I can wait for a divorce to happen before I may possibly cheat. The bad part about this is if I did cheat I don’t think I would feel bad I think I would feel she would be deserving!!

    Sincerely,

    Broken hearted and angry??

  46. CS says:

    I have been married for 8 years, together for 10. I was raped several years ago ( never had sex prior to being raped) , I go thru counseling. I try hard to participate in sex, I honestly have a very difficult time with sex. I get tense. Every once in awhile I can relax. Sex hurts me. It takes everything I can do to have sex. I know my husband wants sex more often- I try to at least once a week. Reading all of this makes me really feel terrible, putting my husband thru so much with denying him. I have developed severe PTSD to my situation. Sometimes during sex I have flashbacks of my rape. I pray daily for our marriage, family, personal lives. Help me get better, to help him. I don’t know what to do. It makes me cry- because I can’t help it. I do have children, i am stay at home mom, work 2 part time jobs. I cook homemade meals daily, keep a clean house, do all the bills, do part of what i can outside work, repairs ect. I try doing nice things basically all the time, as a surprise. I try, sex is our biggest probelm.
    I’m sorry to everyone who feels lost in their relationships. I pray for each and every one of you to get better. God help guide you in the right path. Thank you for listening to me. Helps me feel alittle better.

  47. John says:

    Short answer from a man married for 21 years to a sexless wife. She will never change, no matter what. Give your whole heart to Christ. Involve your self in worship of Him. Marriage is for men, a death sentence, but Jesus offers fullness in life in spite of the sever trials.

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