Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?

question-markYears ago, a friend and I were talking in general about sex. In the course of our conversation, the topic of oral sex came up.

I casually mentioned, “What’s not to like about oral sex?”

“Giving or receiving?” she asked.

“Both,” I responded enthusiastically.

Now I realize that this throws me into a narrow group of wives who embrace the value of oral sex as part of a couple’s sexual repertoire.

I hear from husbands who wish their wives were more interested in incorporating oral play into their sexual intimacy.

Some even wonder if it is reasonable that a wife say “no” to oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving.

Is it reasonable to say “no” to oral sex?

In some cases I think it is.  I’ll address those first, and then I’ll explore what I think are weak reasons for saying “no.”

First of all, if a woman has experienced past sexual abuse, particular as a child, and oral sex was part of that abuse, I think it is reasonable that it may be incredibly difficult to include oral sex in the current context of her marital intimacy.

I’m not saying this would be true with all wives, and I’m certainly not saying that past sexual abuse gives a wife a lifetime free pass on no sex at all.

When a woman marries, even if she has suffered past sexual abuse, she is agreeing that sexual intercourse will be part of her marriage.  This doesn’t mean she is agreeing to everything her husband may want to do sexually.

What I’m sensitive to is that sexual abuse is one of the most horrendous traumas a person can experience.  If there are triggers that linger long after much healing has taken place, it’s really not beneficial for a husband to set off those specific triggers that are extremely painful to his wife.

What about sexually transmitted diseases?

I know this probably goes without saying, but if there are concerns about sexually-transmitted diseases, then a couple needs to be wise to not expose each other to risks.

I’m not a doctor, but I do think it’s reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if there are risks of disease transfer.   And if disease risks are present, a couple still needs to take precaution during intercourse.

Lastly, I think it would be reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if this has become the only kind of sexual intimacy a couple is experiencing.  There is something powerfully unifying when a husband’s penis is in his wife’s vagina.  If this has been erased from the menu, and oral sex is the only sexual encounter happening, that’s a bit of a red flag to me.

Balance.  Oral sex can be a great complement within sexual intimacy, but not to the exclusion of everything else.

What about wives who just don’t like oral sex, but don’t really have any strong reason for saying no?

My challenge to wives who have flat out refused any kind of oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving, is to really look at why they feel that way.

Are you trying to argue it from a biblical standpoint?

In my opinion, you won’t get very far.   Most theologians and people who have thoroughly studied the book of Song of Songs believe it includes positive references to marital oral pleasure.   Also, there is no scripture in the Bible that specifically says a husband and wife cannot include oral sex in their intimacy.

I think common sense, though, is the strongest path toward broadening your perspective on this.

Obviously, as husbands and wives, we often kiss and touch each other in various ways during lovemaking.  Most people would say it’s just fine that a husband kiss his wife’s neck or even her breasts or navel during lovemaking.

Likewise, most people would not find it odd if a wife were to kiss her husband’s chest and so forth.

Following this logic, why would we think that there are certain parts of our anatomy that cannot be touched and kissed and caressed during lovemaking?  How do we possibly draw an arbitrary line where no line exists?

Are your refusing oral sex because of hygiene concerns?

The simple solution to this is that you both come to bed having washed your genital area.

Some wives are hesitant because a husband ejaculates from the same opening as he urinates.  But God designed the male body so these experiences don’t happen at the same time.   When a penis is erect, the focus is on sex, not on urination.

Likewise, some women worry that a husband will be offended by the vaginal area, but as I already mentioned… a shower, bath or simple use of a washcloth before sexual intimacy can help ease those concerns.  (A shower together can be great foreplay!)

Are you refusing because you don’t know if you will do it right?

If your unspoken reason for not initiating oral sex is because you are afraid you won’t be very good at it, I think your husband would still want you to give it a try and vulnerably ask for his feedback.  I have no doubt that if you are open to being taught, he will teach you. (Same goes for you husbands — allow her to coach you on how to orally please her).

I recognize that despite all the rationalizations as to why oral sex would be okay, some wives simply won’t have anything to do with it.

What is a husband to do?

Well, it definitely isn’t loving to force a sexual act, so coercion, physical force and demands are not an option.

If her heels are dug in, then I think the husband has little alternative but to ask the Lord to help him let this desire go.  As a married couple, they are at an impasse.   Lovingly trying to generate conversation is good.  Throwing the marriage under the bus because of no oral sex is not.

My hope would be that a wife who is unwilling to budge would do a bit of introspection to see if her steel-clad refusal is really reasonable.

If you are that wife, are you being reasonable on this?

Under the right circumstances, oral sex can be an amazing addition to sexual intimacy, resulting in new waves of pleasure and closeness.

For many husbands and wives, I think there’s a lot to like about oral sex.

What do you all think about this topic? Please comment and add to the discussion.

Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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223 thoughts on “Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?

  1. A says:

    Sounds like you have a altimate sexual high in mind? I know the frustration it took us 25 years to get it right. So what does right mean! Patients and communication motivated by love. It’s the kind of patients that entertains angles. It’s long suffering and it’s worth it. Being sexually pure before marriage is also very God honouring don’t doubt it. Here are some tips always shave well and keep yourself spotless clean down there. Never push the issue and give give give until his mouth and especially his tough returns the favour. Once he sees the response he will never turn back.

  2. Tracy says:

    We are an older couple in our forties, both virgins at marriage, in our first marriage of only 3 years. I told my husband before I got married I didn’t like the idea of oral sex and he said ok. However he always jokes about me giving him a bj. He is a very sweet, kind, guy. He does it to me but I have a hard time and no desire to give it to him. I always think “you sweat and you pee there” and I don’t like any of it- the feel, smell, or taste. The author and others act like you will like it someday but that has not happened. I’ve given it maybe 4 times in our marriage but don’t know how to like it when I know it would please him so much. I don’t know how to change.

  3. David says:

    Then don’t change…and let him go to someone else who is less selfish.

    Think about it, your married the man, asked him to be exclusively your lover and expect his loyalty. Then you turn around and point blank refuse to provide something which he will find pleasurable. All simply because “you don’t want to”. There is no physical reason why you cannot give him this pleasure. It will do you no harm and it will make him extremely happy but you simply “don’t want to” and thats final. Why on earth should he not find someone else who would be happy to do whatever it takes to make him happy?

    A marriage is about compromise, not simply about what you want. Believe it or not but by refusing to pleasure your husband in ways another woman would after you asked him to make that kind of commitment to you, you are not being the best wife you can be. You are simply being selfish

  4. Anonymous says:

    Wow David,

    I can’t believe your comments.
    Tracy forewarned her husband before they got married that she didn’t like the idea of oral sex and he said “Ok”. Should she not believe what he tells her?

    There may be no physical reason why she cannot give him this pleasure, but there might be some mental/emotional aversion which she was forth coming about. He said “Ok”. And she is trying.

    As you say,
    “A marriage is about compromise, not simply about what you want”. Perhaps that compromise could include “the want” a husband has for oral sex. Why can he not compromise in that area if it causes his wife distress?

    Please re-read Tracy’s post.
    I don’t see anything selfish about it.

    It’s comments like these that make me lose respect for men. Even though I know I shouldn’t generalize, not all men think this way, but it proves that some men actually do. Sad.

  5. Emma says:

    @David

    I think its a little unfair to call Tracy selfish or make her feel guilty that her husband will leave her if she doesn’t perform oral sex. I get that its important to a lot of husbands, but she clearly stated that she initially told him that she doesn’t want to perform oral sex before they were married, and her husband said it was okay.

    Whether or not he was actually okay with it, is another issue and one that he certainly should have brought up before they were married when she told him she didn’t want to. If it really was that big of a deal to him, he should have settled it before marriage or not have married her at all, instead of bailing on her for something they had previously agreed to.

    As selfish as you think Tracy is being towards her husband, I think her husband cannot just do a complete 180 on her, after marriage and just expect her to now be okay with doing something that she clearly expressed being uncomfortable with before they tied the knot.

  6. H says:

    David, if this site allowed likes or up-votes, you would have mine. I have been faithful to my commitment but I wonder daily why I bother anymore. Oral hardly ever happens but sex of any kind is rare also. I wish she could read your post.

  7. NGal says:

    David’s post just makes me thankful for my unmarried state. Are all men really so egocentric, going after one act of pleasure like a kid after a piece of candy?
    Never mind how the wife feels about it… it’s always *her* who gets the blame of being selfish? What about him laying down his life and honoring his wife enough instead of bothering her for something that she finds distasteful?

    I know men who are devoted to their wives and even care for them in sickness, so I refuse to believe all men are such scumbags.

  8. Larry B says:

    It is sad that the desire for oral sex is being labelled “selfish”. Oral sex can be a very loving and intimate act. But it seems that some individuals are not even receptive to the thought of actually trying it.

    Tracy had decided before marriage and as a virgin that she did not like oral sex and conveyed that to her fiance. Never having tried it, Tracy was dead set against trying it. Why? She has since tried it a few times and cannot see how she can ever change and grow to like giving oral sex.

    Perhaps some people cannot change because they are too comfortable in their mental attitudes. Choosing to remain in those comfort zones might be thought of as being somewhat selfish.

    Wives who are having problems with occasionally giving oral sex to their husband can consider consciously cultivating a positive mental attitude towards oral sex. It is worth trying.

  9. Jim says:

    Man when I read David’s comments about Tracy I am thinking what a JERK.
    Every man needs to respect their wife and her right to do as she wants to and respect her

    Tracy you do as you wish I would love it if my wife would give me full oral sex.
    But my wife doesn’t like to give oral sex and l respect that.
    Because l love my wife would never call her selfish or anything else.
    I think David you should say sorry to Tracy and ask her forgiveness hope you will pray about your ignorance toward Tracy.

  10. Jim says:

    I just read David’s comment again to say let her husband go to another woman who will give him oral sex.
    That is not a christian attitude and should be a reply to make to anyone.
    To suggest adultery man you need to really go before Jesus and ask for his forgiveness as well Tracy forgiveness
    Tracy not many men think or talk like David
    Is a sad day to read such trash talk to a Lady

  11. Daisy says:

    @ Larry B

    “It is sad that the desire for oral sex is being labelled “selfish”.

    I don’t think anyone is labelling the ‘desire for oral’ as being selfish. It’s when a wife finds oral oppressive, degrading, or just plain repulsive, and the husband continues to pressure her because He Wants the pleasure regardless of her feelings….that behavior is what is being labeled “selfish”.

    The husband should always be considerate of the wife’s feelings, or he may find himself with a sexually unresponsive wife.

  12. Larry B says:

    @ Daisy:

    We will have to respectfully disagree here.

    In your comment, you beg the question with this statement:

    “The husband should always be considerate of the wife’s feelings, or he may find himself with a sexually unresponsive wife.”

    The common theme in the comments from husbands on many of Julie’s posts is that of a wife who is sexually unresponsive even when her husband is always or nearly always considerate of her feelings. (This applies to intercourse and not just oral sex.)

    In my comments, I have tried to point out that a wife feeling that performing oral sex is “oppressive, degrading, or just plain repulsive” can be overcome by adjusting her mental attitude. How do you explain the many Christian wives who do not find giving oral sex to their husband to be such a negative experience?

    Perhaps, we could address the condition we might term, “fellare phobia” – the fear of giving oral sex to one’s husband.

  13. Alina says:

    What about a husband who is not into giving or receiving oral sex. This is not a hygiene issue either; he says he is too sensitive and does not like to be touched in that way. Neither of us was touched inappropriately when younger but he is adamant that he is not interested in going down on me, for MY pleasure. Kissing is fine, just not the private areas…an impasse reigns supreme with this.
    I have heard about women not liking oral..but a man not into it? I LOVE oral and am very good at giving it however unsatisfied he is with it ( a mans dream perhaps?)

  14. Daisy says:

    @ Larry B,

    Respectfully disagree it is.

    You mention the common theme on these posts is that of a wife who is sexually unresponsive. You are right, it appears to be a pretty common situation. Hence, the reason for posts like this one.

    If the female gender tends towards the unresponsive end of the sexual spectrum,
    why risk pushing her closer to that end by pressing for oral if she finds it unpleasant?

    The truth of the matter is:
    Many women enjoy oral sex.
    Many can take it or leave it. Many have real problems with it.
    All women are individuals. Can we not respect that?

    If a wife has real issues with performing oral, isn’t a husband just as capable of overcoming his oral yearnings simply by adjusting his mental attitude about it?

    To the “fellare phobia” condition:
    I can see if a person is bacteriophobic, osmophobic, or pnigerophobic, they may tend towards being orally phallophobic.

  15. AG says:

    If you’re married to a person who is clean and takes care of their neather region, there is 0, and I mean ZERO reason to not give oral. This act is not some crazy filthy thing that causes pain or anything negative to the person giving it. Finding it “gross” is perplexing to me. How can you think the person you are with has a body part that’s gross?

    One of the reasons for sex is to get pleasure and give it as well. Giving it tells your spouse that you value his/her desires and that the sex isn’t all about what you get from it.

    Ladies, if you do this for your man, and do it with enthusiasm, he will be 1000% grateful. It’s just oral sex. I promise, doing it will not make you a whore, it will not make you a sex slave, it will not make you into his living toy, and it will not make your husband lose respect for you. In fact, he will appreciate you more.

    Also, if he is offering it to you, let him!!!!! Don’t worry about what he’s thinking as he’s doing it. Don’t be self conscious because trust me, if we thought that part of you was nasty, we wouldn’t be begging you to allow us to do it. Letting him do this actually will make the actual sex better for him because there will be less pressure put on him to just satisfy you with intercourse alone.

  16. Marriage & Sex Positive says:

    It is certainly unreasonable, absent the circumstances you mentioned, to not have oral sex – either way. The question becomes even if it is unreasonable, what do you do when one refuses and the other wants it? That is the tough question with answers that really don’t solve the issue. All should pray that such an impasse can be resolved.

  17. libl says:

    Wow. Some of these comments from men. Sheesh! Guess what, guys, it is my husband who refuses oral sex. I love giving and receiving, but he says no way. No manual, either….and I cannot climax from intercourse alone. But, as the wife, I am to submit. It isn’t worthy of leaving because we still have sex. Just intercourse. At least men whose wives refuse oral can still climax during intercourse.

  18. H says:

    Libl: your husband is a selfish jerk. He cares nothing about your pleasure. He is using you for his own pleasure and nothing more. I would love to have more variety in our bedroom too but that is very unlikely to happen. My wife doesn’t like to give or receive oral. Intercourse has stopped and manual hasn’t happened in weeks. I love giving and receiving oral but it just never happens since about the first month of our marriage. Now, 8 years later, I wonder why I bothered waiting for marriage. If all I’m going to have is manual for the rest of my life, I could have stayed single and taken care of my own personal needs. I would do anything to have a fulfilling intimate connection with my wife but I’ve reached the end of my will power. I still want my wife but I don’t want to want her anymore. I don’t want to want sex anymore. Hopefully age will take care of that but I feel like I’m going to have to wait a long time.

  19. My voice says:

    Here is the humble opinion of one man. David is so out of line, he makes us look very bad as a gender. If the boundaries have been established, then they need to be respected. Anything else is being a controlling jerk-wad. Same goes for the ladies. The ‘bait and switch’ has to be about the cruelest thing you can do a man like me. It’s not an ‘oral fixation’. It’s not just about sexual pleasure. It’s about acceptance, vulnerability, giving and love. The very essence of a man, his ego, his self-worth, his dignity, his strength, comes for the sexual validation that the one he loves gives to him. That is the ultimate life goal of a good, strong man, driven by his undeniable biology. Ladies, if he wants this and you don’t want to do it, let him go, anything else is cruel. Men, if she is hesitant, try to lead her there politely and respectfully, but if the answer is no, then move on. Anything else show a lack of respect for yourself and the person you are with. Judge me as you will. Every part of me, tells me that this is the way it is.

  20. My voice says:

    My comments apply equally to both sexes. Sexual fulfillment is core to almost everyone’s happiness. Each of us has slightly different desires, what particular ‘flavor’ brings that sexual fulfillment. As long as those desires would not cause pain, loss or harm to another, no-one has the right to judge anyone’s individuality. To deny your partner his or her unique desire, is to reject the very core of that person. That isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

  21. Joe says:

    My Voice: I disagree with the notion that sexual fulfillment is core to everyone’s happiness. It’s not even in my top 10 of items that create my happiness.

    I’ll repost what I posted in another discussion

    “This too shall pass.”

    Eventually the sex will stop. Yes it will. If you have based your marriage on more than sex, then you have a foundation to continue. If not, and if you have put all of the responsibility for your own happiness, contentment an fulfillment in your spouse, then you are going to have problems. Even if the sex keeps up to your desires you still have put on your spouse that which you should burden yourself with in prayer and fullfillment in God.

    It’s unfair to expect a human spouse to fulfill your needs at that level. No man or woman can deliver at that level.

    Joe

  22. bp says:

    May God help us (men). If these cmts reflect attitudes from mature Christian males, we should grieve for our daughters whose marriage pool likely will consist of many males raised on internet pornography. (this is just slightly off topic
    i know). While marriage blogs like this one are very biblical and beneficial, the ‘freedoms’ we discover in Christ are not unconditional; do I first cherish and honor my bride? Someone wisely said to “touch her mind before you touch her body”. Let’s return to the title for Julie’s blog, “Intimacy in marriage” as ground zero.

  23. Irina says:

    You make no mention of the possibility that a woman may just not like having a penis in her mouth. Kissing a man’s chest or neck is much different from giving him oral sex. Maybe a woman’s gag reflex is such that she feels like she is going to vomit, when his penis is in her mouth. So, why would she want to put herself through that?

  24. AG says:

    No woman should be shamed or guilted into doing it, however, “not liking it” is a terrible reason not to do it. Not trying to please your spouse in this way is selfish to be honest. I’m not saying a person should do whatever their spouse wants, there has to be limits. But the way I see some woman acting about this, you would think their husband is asking them to do something crazy or painful. Oral sex is neither for 99% of people. It’s a rather innocent form of sex.

    I’ve said this a 100 times before: if the simple excuse of “I dont like it or want too” is good enough to get out of having sex, or not doing certain sexual things, then your spouse should be able to do the same in other areas of your relationship. You cannot have it both ways and expect your spouse not to harbor some resentment towards you.

    Sex doesn’t always have to be simultaneously pleasurable. Give it a try more than once and change your mindset about it. Do that and you might actually like to do it for your husband or wife. You love the person, so what is wrong with giving them enjoyment?

  25. Joe says:

    AG,

    I don’t think you can say that 99% of people like oral sex. I put it at closer to 50/50 from discussions with friends, etc. For me, myself, when I was younger I’d do it to my wife, but I never really liked the smells or taste. I don’t like it and rarely do it anymore.

    Again, the thought that not getting oral sex is a deal breaker? Wow.

    Everybody has limits. I really do not believe in the “open” or “progressive” movement in current society. None of this was a problem until TV and movies started showing and talking sex in every show. Comedy, drama, does not matter. I had to turn off an episode of The Big Bang Theory the other night because the entire dialogue was getting back together with an ex and the girl getting pressured by friends to have sex right away.

  26. Bonnie says:

    Why is it that an individual’s pursuit of personal sexual pleasure can cause such a complete disregard for another’s personal human dignity?

  27. Don says:

    “Is it reasonable to say “No” to oral sex?”

    Up until 1962 it was illegal to say “yes” in the US.

  28. Anonymous says:

    well i have a question related to the same topic. am 50 aged and my wife is 40. I like oral to be performed. But my wife does not like to give me oral. I asked what is the reason she says she feels omitting sensation when she does it. But if i wear condom on penis she gives me. And she very much likes me to give oral on her vagina and i do like it too. Here my confusion is with condom she finds it ok to do oral but why not without condom. I seek the experts advise please.

  29. Married says:

    It’s simple. You don’t marry someone unless you both understand each other’s wants and needs. I never gave oral and before I got married my husband was absolutely fine with it. It simply grosses me out and I have a weak stomach. He would like it however he says “it’s not gonna make or break our marriage, it’s just a thought” so for an idiots who think they can get married then expect to change someone based on the fact that they’re married, don’t get married! No real man would force any kind of sex on his wife. He wouldn’t marry her if it were a requirement! And about the condom oral, there is no expert advice. If she doesn’t like it then she doesn’t like it. She’s more comfortable sucking on latex than a penis. Plain and simple.

  30. Blessed spouse says:

    Wow, the selfishness! The only sex one is biblically required to have in marriage is intercourse. Everything else is a fun extra. To suggest that a woman’s husband would be justified in leaving her because she was reluctant to give him a specific sexual act that is repulsive to her is sinful and sad. If my husband left over such a thing, I would say good riddance to a selfish man, and vice versa, if I left for something so unimportant. Yes, unimportant. Do you love your wife so little that you would insist on making her perform a non-reciprocal sexual act that really bothers her. Wow, you must really “love her like Christ lives the church” and “cherish her as your own body”. And yes, a woman can find it gross to put a husband’s body part in her mouth without thinking his body is gross. We don’t suck on big toes either, and pee doesn’t even come out of those! The truth is, while a lot of women enjoy oral sex, a significant number find it gross and lonely, all about the mans orgasm and not at all about the relationship. I would never demand something of my husband that I know bothers him, and he loves me enough to do the same for me. You might try that some day… That whole love thing. It’s actually better than oral sex on demand.

  31. Andy says:

    I really need some advice please as I’m going out of my mind . Before I got together with my wife she told me that she loved giving oral sex and had always done it. Then we became a couple and subsequently got married and she refuses to give me oral sex ever yet I give oral sex to her. She goes mad if I ask for oral sex and says she won’t give me it ever yet she is 40 years old and always did it except with me her husband. I have now left her as I feel so unloved and rejected .

    Am I being unfair ?

    Thankyou

    Andy

  32. Andy says:

    To add on my wife won’t kiss me other than a peck on the lips and says that she isn’t a kissy person and often turns me down for love making and even when we do make love she talks all way through and says be quick yet before we got together said that she made love 15 times all night long with someone . I’m clean and bath daily. Please tell me where I’m going wrong .
    Much appreciated

    Andy

  33. H says:

    Andy: My first thought is that she was lying the whole time just to get you to marry her. Now she has a ring and doesn’t have to fake it anymore. She either never really was a very sexual person with anyone thought she had to make up stories to keep your interest, or she was but just isn’t attracted to you. Either way, I don’t see this as your fault. My wife is the same. All talk before marriage and little action after. Not just about oral either, we barely had any form of sexual activity our whole marriage. Even in our first year of marriage, we only had sex about once a month. We only had sex one time on a 10 day honeymoon in Hawaii. It wasn’t until then that I figured out the terrible mistake I had made. She wasn’t really a sexual person and since we waited for marriage like good little Christians, I didn’t find out until it was too late. I feel for you.

  34. Andy says:

    Hi H

    Thankyou for your kind words. I really appreciate your reply to me. I’m sure that my wife did have plenty of oral sex and love making with other people before she met me as she went into detail about it.I have now left my wife for a little over 2 weeks and she is begging me constantly to come back to her and she promised to never turn me down for love making or oral sex or kissing cuddles etc ever again. My problem is that before I left her we had countless massive rows about her lack of intimacy towards me and she said that she would never change and to leave her if I wasn’t happy. Now that I have left she promises things will be completely different if I come back to her. I don’t know what to do and will she really change ? I did leave her for 2 days about a month ago. and returned when she promised to change and she didn’t change. Do you think that things would change this time ?

    Much appreciated

    Andy

    Much appreciated

  35. Myself says:

    Oral sex really doesn’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things. I don’t like the reimbursement attitude so many take on. Focus on true love. That way giving and receiving become one.

  36. Brian says:

    As a man it’s hard for me to accept that a man and women who are married and love eachother would have a problem performing oral on eachother! I honestly can’t even imagine if my wife didn’t like and get pleasure out of giving me oral sex…..it would probably destroy me and think she didn’t love me because I would literally do anything for my wife even if I didn’t want to…end of story

  37. K says:

    My wife and I have been married almost 38 years. Not once has she ever given me oral sex. Early in our marriage, I would sometimes do it for her. I can’t say that I really enjoyed it, but sometimes she would have an orgasm from it, and I that was fun. But at some point she told me that the smell of semen offends her, and that she could never do that for me. She implied that I should stop doing it for her, because she could not reciprocate.
    After a couple of months being married we were down to having sex two, or sometimes three, times a month.
    Now that the kids are grown and out of the house we have sex three or maybe four times a month. I am always the one to initiate — I don’t think she has asked me once in the last 30 years. Worse, when we do have sex, she seems totally disinterested in doing anything to physically please me. Several years ago, I asked why she never touched my penis anymore, and she answered that I was “gooey”.
    When we do make love now, I try to make sure she has the stimulation she needs to climax. But I usually take longer, and often I feel bad continuing afterwards. She sometimes acts as if she’s irritated or uncomfortable, when I do continue, so I’d rather just stop than hurt her. That’s happening more often lately — the times in the last four we’ve made love.
    Our sex life has always been somewhat of a disappointment for me, but now I’m feeling especially frustrated sexually, and emotionally rejected and unloved.
    How can I turn this around?

  38. Reuben j fox says:

    So im 25 my wife is 28 we both have church backgrounds so christ is a main focus in our lives before we were married i asked my wife about oral sex she said she didnt like it so i told her that me and her should only be friends because i know my needs and wouldn’t want to be unfaithful to her because she wasnt into oral well weeks into our friendship she said she is not totally against it and maybe would be open to it given time i loved her personality and our chemistry so much i agreed so eventually she came around and gave me oral at first being very shy but eventually more open and enthusiastic about it even coming on to me without me asking for oral then after we got married it slowed now we are in our 3 year and she told me the other day that she doesn’t like it that it makes her feel degraded i dont wanna nag her or guilt trip her into it but its so hard for me to accept this new and unexpected development in our marriage im sad cuz it makes me feel unloved and not special anymore it makes me feel like less of a man

  39. George Welles says:

    I am an older man, and I married a woman who didn’t want to have sex before marriage because she had been burned by two men in a row who led her on, made promises of marriage, and never followed through. I had previously had a very unhappy marriage sexually, and didn’t want the same again. I told my fiancé this and decided to take a huge gamble and get married. I told her that since we were waiting until after marriage to have sex, we should talk very openly about what we like and don’t like. She said she was “sometimes” ok with giving oral sex, she enjoyed receiving it, but she didn’t want sex “back there”. I said that was fine with me. After marriage, she enthusiastically received oral sex from me, but rarely if ever performed oral sex on me, and then only minimally. She then never seemed interested in doing it again. I never pushed it, as I knew that would only alienate her.
    I finally asked her diplomatically how she felt about doing it, did she feel it was dirty, and she replied that she had to feel like doing it, but she never did.
    I loved her, but I wasn’t going to “adjust” by giving up what I enjoyed most in sex for the rest of my life. I told her before marriage how important it was to me, and she had no problem accepting it from me at any time. I had already one unhappy marriage sexually, I wasn’t going to “do without” for the rest of my life, nor was I going to demand something from her that she didn’t wan to do.
    So I did something I thought I would never do; I found a very attractive woman who was unhappy in her marriage, whose husband stopped having sex with her because she gained a few pounds, and who never pleased her orally. I gave her all the oral sex she had missed out on which completely blew her away. She enthusiastically gave me the best oral sex I had ever had, and never had a problem with doing it. I never had to ask. After I pleased her as much as she wanted that way, she was only too happy to return the favor. Neither one of us want to leave our spouses. I feel absolutely no guilt about doing it, even though my wife insists on absolute fidelity from me. I don’t ask my wife to give me something she doesn’t want to, but I’m not just going to shrug and say “oh well, oral sex is over-rated anyway”, especially since my wife expects it from me. It has been almost a year now, and I am happier than I have ever been. For me, it is a win-win. My wife doesn’t have to do something she doesn’t want to do, and I am more satisfied sexually than I have ever been before, even at my present age. If my wife finds out and demands that I stop, I will tell her that this is the situation, and she can continue with our marriage or not; it will be her choice. Life is short, I am happy for the first time in my life, and I would not be going outside my marriage if my wife (who told me she enjoyed doing it occasionally) was satisfying me at home, Or had been honest with me before marriage. about something she never wanted to do.
    Expecting your partner to do something they don’t want to do is wrong; but expecting your partner to just say “oh well, I’ll do without” is wrong as well. Something to think about……

  40. TheMaskedMarvel says:

    George, I am sure that you will be attacked viciously by the many women who will call you “selfish” and “unfaithful”, but who will have no problem with your wife’s being dishonest with you before marriage, just as Andy’s wife was completely dishonest with him and fabricated her sexual experiences. The women who will attack you the most strongly are probably the ones who think and behave like Andy’s and your wife. I too was in the same situation, and my only regret was that I didn’t leave my marriage much earlier than I did. Again, the women who attack a man for leaving a sexless marriage are probably women who don’t value (or appreciate) sex very much themselves. At the same time, if a woman leaves a man who does not satisfy her needs, she is being “independent” and “her own person”. You and Andy are not selfish to want to be happy in this lifetime, and sexual fulfillment is part of happiness, not “selfishness”. Marriage is a sexual partnership, and if you are not compatible, the worst mistake for both of you is to say married. I hope to God that Andy didn’t go back to his manipulative and dishonest wife. There are plenty of women out there that will give him what he wants, and his wife what she wants; a man who doesn’t care about oral. But enough with the guilt, the blaming, the branding of “selfish!” just because you want to be sexually satisfied by your partner who you have forsaken all others for. I had an affair too for years before I divorced; it was a mistake. It allowed me to stay in a sexless, passionless marriage far longer than I should have. Getting a divorce while you are both still young enough to find more compatible partners is the solution; and to do it without religious or societal guilt; or the judgement of strangers on a comment board.
    Best wishes to you and all other humans out there trying to find the sexual happiness you all deserve, in the way you want it; without guilt or having to justify it.

  41. NGal says:

    To George and Masked Marvel, (and anyone there who thinks that because life is short, it’s OK to cheat your spouse):

    Do you realize that life indeed is short, and all of us will eventually have to give an account of our lives? Does it ever occur to you that you will be held accountable before the Lord? You have promised to love your spouses until death, stay faithful, and not seeks exual satisfaction elsewhere.
    Do not be deceived: fornicators and adulterers do not inherit the Kingdom of God. It would be better for you to divorce your spouse, if certain sex act is so important that you cannot live without it. You are killing yourself morally and spiritually.

  42. Andy says:

    This is Andy who wrote 2 columns a while ago. Yes I did return to my wife over 8 weeks ago after receiving huge promises from her to be more affectionate to me and to change. That promise lasted a couple of days and here I am in an extremely unhappy marriage once again and verging on leaving my wife for the second time. I have constant chest pain and headaches from being in such an unhappy marriage. When we row she swears at me and gets really nasty and says get my things and get our and then when I pack my bags she says stay. I can’t cope with no intimacy and even when we make love she talks about random things and refuses point blank to give me oral sex yet I perform it on her. She won’t even wear her wedding ring !!!!

  43. Daniel says:

    Well – I certainly have not read all of the comments, but this topic is possibly the only deep seeded issue in our marriage and I can’t seem to land on where lies below the issue spite many hard convos with my bride and tons of grace on the subject.

    Surrender can be so tough with sexual desire as we all know.

    My wife and I will be celebrating 12 years this August and we have had zero oral encounters. This makes me very sad. I know my wife has a hang up mentally:emotionally with this, and we can’t seem to get to a place where she is willing to do some self discovery as to why she is so aposed. This is probably what makes me saddest. It’s like our intimacy and my desires are not worth the work for her.

    I have been gentle and caring with this and yet, there are times like the past two weeks where she has had a difficult time reaching orgasm and since we bassically have one routine (none of which can involve me touching and kissing her vagine) and certainly not her touching/kissing my penis, I fear her lack of ability to be creative and adventurous sexually will styme our unrestricted enjoyment of one another. Too much yellow tape if you will.

    Honesty, I just want to know that she cares by actually trying to figure some stuff out with Jesus on this. I can’t make her and I’ve said I would travel down where the path lead us together, but she just seems to put it off like it will just go away.

    I love her to death. She is enough. Regardless. But dang if I don’t want us to enjoy all God has designed for sex. Somewhere shame seems to have crept in (though she denies this) it just flat stinks, even hurts. Feels like rejection. We have a lot of sex and for that I’m thankful. But is it bad that I’m so aware each time of what can’t be done? It’s like have a playground and having the swings and the slides roped off. I’d appreciate prayer for us. Thanks for this place right now. I needed to get this off my chest and writing has been helpful.

    Sincerely,

    D

  44. Parker says:

    I agree with David, would everyone else (specially women) stand for the same idea being not selfish if the guy refused to have any kind of sexual relationship with his beloved partner? Love is not sex after all. If the guy is not willing to give it, then the story is more balanced.

  45. No ones bizness says:

    I find it VERY odd that a spouse cannot give/receive oral sex.
    I find it usually goes hand in hand with refusing sex and much Gate keeping. I’ve found that people are usually selfish and lazy.
    I’ve discovered that lack of intimacy and affection is typically THE bigger issue rather than specifically “oral”.
    The person refusing is typically controlling and or abusive. Narcissistism is an epidemic these days and many American women are! I’ve yet to meet even ONE woman who is sweet and selfless.
    What makes a great lover? What makes someone good in bed?
    …. someone who is active and giving.
    These days I laugh when I read comments from women that “claim” they want a husband to lead. Wow… really?! And a few years into that marriage the wife takes the reigns and controls everything!!!!!! … or she fears she might get hurt…. acting like a 9 year old girl. Grow up already!!
    I’m so sick of all of these little girls.
    It’s so twisted! You call out the mans behavior for intimacy with his own wife but look the other way when it comes to the wife actually being a controlling, abusive, sociopath!
    Wow wow wow!
    Oral sex is such an insignicant deed yet people refuse one another… I don’t get it.
    I blame it on feminism. It’s within all of society now.
    “Oh feel sorry for the little girl. She didn’t get her way…. boo boo!”
    Gimme a break. It’s so one sided now. It’s all over TV and commercials. Makes me sick.

  46. Jayne says:

    @ No ones business

    If oral sex is such an insignificant deed to you, than why would it matter if a partner doesn’t like it?

  47. Pingback: Oral Blessings - More Resources - The Forgiven Wife

  48. Paul says:

    I met my wife when she was a widow so she had had a previous sex life. After we got married I introduced her to oral sex (both giving and receiving)- which she had never really experienced. She has always had an open mind and the only condition is that we both shower first which makes sense. She had also not previously had orgasms but that also became part of her experience. We have an awesome experience in bed and usually she has 3-4 orgasms each time, with the first one usually with me giving her oral sex, and then the remaining ones with a small bullet vibrator she just loves. I would just say to all – if you are not currently enjoying the pleasures of oral sex, you don´t know what you are missing. It is amazing and truly takes our experience to new heights. I think it glorifies God to know we are enjoying each other so much and in a respectful way. If you have hangups with it, find a good sex therapist to help you through the issues, and then start moving toward incorporating into your experience. It is an amazing enhancement to your sex life and truly a gift that is there for the taking. Nothing to be ashamed of – it really is no big deal. She has no problem giving me oral sex while she is having her period, as she does so out of joy and love, not duty. We always look for variety and are very adventurous but oral sex is always a main part of our experience – it is the most natural and wonderful thing in the world.

  49. Horndog says:

    David is right. Say what you want. My wife doesnt go down either. There should be no problem if another perform such a dirty task. As long as you keep it respectable.

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