orgasm, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?
Dec
Years ago, a friend and I were talking in general about sex. In the course of our conversation, the topic of oral sex came up.
I casually mentioned, “What’s not to like about oral sex?”
“Giving or receiving?” she asked.
“Both,” I responded enthusiastically.
Now I realize that this throws me into a narrow group of wives who embrace the value of oral sex as part of a couple’s sexual repertoire.
I hear from husbands who wish their wives were more interested in incorporating oral play into their sexual intimacy.
Some even wonder if it is reasonable that a wife say “no” to oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving.
Is it reasonable to say “no” to oral sex?
In some cases I think it is. I’ll address those first, and then I’ll explore what I think are weak reasons for saying “no.”
First of all, if a woman has experienced past sexual abuse, particular as a child, and oral sex was part of that abuse, I think it is reasonable that it may be incredibly difficult to include oral sex in the current context of her marital intimacy.
I’m not saying this would be true with all wives, and I’m certainly not saying that past sexual abuse gives a wife a lifetime free pass on no sex at all.
When a woman marries, even if she has suffered past sexual abuse, she is agreeing that sexual intercourse will be part of her marriage. This doesn’t mean she is agreeing to everything her husband may want to do sexually.
What I’m sensitive to is that sexual abuse is one of the most horrendous traumas a person can experience. If there are triggers that linger long after much healing has taken place, it’s really not beneficial for a husband to set off those specific triggers that are extremely painful to his wife.
What about sexually transmitted diseases?
I know this probably goes without saying, but if there are concerns about sexually-transmitted diseases, then a couple needs to be wise to not expose each other to risks.
I’m not a doctor, but I do think it’s reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if there are risks of disease transfer. And if disease risks are present, a couple still needs to take precaution during intercourse.
Lastly, I think it would be reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if this has become the only kind of sexual intimacy a couple is experiencing. There is something powerfully unifying when a husband’s penis is in his wife’s vagina. If this has been erased from the menu, and oral sex is the only sexual encounter happening, that’s a bit of a red flag to me.
Balance. Oral sex can be a great complement within sexual intimacy, but not to the exclusion of everything else.
What about wives who just don’t like oral sex, but don’t really have any strong reason for saying no?
My challenge to wives who have flat out refused any kind of oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving, is to really look at why they feel that way.
Are you trying to argue it from a biblical standpoint?
In my opinion, you won’t get very far. Most theologians and people who have thoroughly studied the book of Song of Songs believe it includes positive references to marital oral pleasure. Also, there is no scripture in the Bible that specifically says a husband and wife cannot include oral sex in their intimacy.
I think common sense, though, is the strongest path toward broadening your perspective on this.
Obviously, as husbands and wives, we often kiss and touch each other in various ways during lovemaking. Most people would say it’s just fine that a husband kiss his wife’s neck or even her breasts or navel during lovemaking.
Likewise, most people would not find it odd if a wife were to kiss her husband’s chest and so forth.
Following this logic, why would we think that there are certain parts of our anatomy that cannot be touched and kissed and caressed during lovemaking? How do we possibly draw an arbitrary line where no line exists?
Are your refusing oral sex because of hygiene concerns?
The simple solution to this is that you both come to bed having washed your genital area.
Some wives are hesitant because a husband ejaculates from the same opening as he urinates. But God designed the male body so these experiences don’t happen at the same time. When a penis is erect, the focus is on sex, not on urination.
Likewise, some women worry that a husband will be offended by the vaginal area, but as I already mentioned… a shower, bath or simple use of a washcloth before sexual intimacy can help ease those concerns. (A shower together can be great foreplay!)
Are you refusing because you don’t know if you will do it right?
If your unspoken reason for not initiating oral sex is because you are afraid you won’t be very good at it, I think your husband would still want you to give it a try and vulnerably ask for his feedback. I have no doubt that if you are open to being taught, he will teach you. (Same goes for you husbands — allow her to coach you on how to orally please her).
I recognize that despite all the rationalizations as to why oral sex would be okay, some wives simply won’t have anything to do with it.
What is a husband to do?
Well, it definitely isn’t loving to force a sexual act, so coercion, physical force and demands are not an option.
If her heels are dug in, then I think the husband has little alternative but to ask the Lord to help him let this desire go. As a married couple, they are at an impasse. Lovingly trying to generate conversation is good. Throwing the marriage under the bus because of no oral sex is not.
My hope would be that a wife who is unwilling to budge would do a bit of introspection to see if her steel-clad refusal is really reasonable.
If you are that wife, are you being reasonable on this?
Under the right circumstances, oral sex can be an amazing addition to sexual intimacy, resulting in new waves of pleasure and closeness.
For many husbands and wives, I think there’s a lot to like about oral sex.
What do you all think about this topic? Please comment and add to the discussion.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I agree with Christian Husband of 38 yrs.
Yes, oral sex is a new fad. My understanding is that, at one time, it was against the law in many states.
If pornography was a player in it’s upsurge, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, with the increased popularity in oral sex, there has been an increase in oral cancer caused by the HPV virus. Mt. Siani website has some interesting statistics.
I used to like giving/receiving oral until I had an abnormal pap smear caused by HPV. That’s when I knew ‘we’ had HPV in our bodies. From that point forward, I am hesitant to give and refuse to receive from my husband because I don’t want to expose him to HPV and increase his risk of cancer.
If he were to get oral cancer from HPV that he got from me, I would never forgive myself. All for a few moments of pleasure.
I don’t think so. I love him too much.
Frustrated
I would like to say to start, I have a good job, we live in a big house, we have money, we have two kids, we drive nice cars. I am also respected in our community.
I have been married to my wife for 17 years. When we were dating she was always hesitant yo give me oral, although I gave her oral every time we had sex. She said she would get better.
Fast forward 12 years. She has given the excuse, it is smells (I washed it), it’s too hairy (trimmed / shaved it), it is not natural to have it in my mouth (but she likes anal), it’s too big (ok but it does fit), it’s not biblical (pointed out Song of Solomon to her).
I gave up and told her I would give oral when she does. Sometimes she complains she wants more foreplay, yeah. Whose fault is that.
Sooo frustrated here! Married 9 years now and she’s NEVER given me oral, and I ask nicely. I eat her but she won’t think about reciprocating. She says, “that’s what hookers do.” What is a guy to do? I am beside myself in frustration! God help me!
My husband confessed to me that he was born in the wrong body, that he is really a woman. Not sure where it will lead to. Told me after 20 years of marriage… He can’t promise me anything. He may be one a woman and desire men… But maybe not. I just battled stage 4 oral cancer. It’s been a rough 1.5 years since I fought and won my battle.
He has distanced himself and gave excuse after excuse why he won’t have sex and told me he only cheats online. But I found pics on our puter him dressed as a woman out at a bar with other men who also dress.
An I fool to think he hasn’t cheTed in person? He’s become rather closed off and just never wants to hold my hand and it hug. I feel lonely, sad.
He is starting therapy next week. He said since I can’t be with him as a woman… He will just have help to see how far he should go… And if it ends up not changing.
Then he will seek theraphy to work on our marriage. I have cheated, I have been lonely… And I feel like a fool. Yet I love him so much!
I haven’t cheated on him… I love him.
Frustrated Husband,
I am looking for reasons for the change in our relationship. I have a wife unwilling to discuss & seek help……..I just want my sexual wife back.
We have been married for 16 years, together for 18. We have 2 kids, 11 & 4. When we were dating & in the first years of our marriage the sex was great. Oral (give & receive), intercourse (vaginal), effort in the bedroom (lingerie, shaving, prep….), foreplay (kissing, touching, massaging, etc…) & very frequent. Then we had kids. & after our first child her body became a place of nourishment (breasts now off limits) & production (receiving oral for her became gross, she does not like, etc…). It has been a consistent march downhill since. Now if is maybe 2 times per month, begrudgingly, no prep or effort, next to zero foreplay (& zero non sexual intimacy: kissing, hugging, hand holding), missionary intercourse only. I am to a point where I would rather not have bad sex. I feel like our sexlife is a task on her list to check off. I explain my concerns & nothing changes. I am at the end of my rope. She justify the change to, “I talked to my friends & none of them like that” & “I never really liked it before”. Reading this post & the comments I find the first excuse impossible to believe. I feel betrayed & abandoned. I am the sole breadwinner (again not my choice, but I support her staying home), I made a lifelong commitment to her, her body, but now she & her body are now off limits to me. I do not want to divorce but I am miserable. If feel like I have nothing as a man and husband. I feel like a failure that my wife does not desire me. I provide (very well) for my family….nice house, good new cars, private school tuition, vacations, etc…….this is not what God wants in his Union. I do not feel like I can go on. She refuses to seek help for her repressed sexuality & barely acknowledges my feelings/frustrations. I do not know what to do.
with my ex, i would had sex 3,4 times a day, and i would case him around,we were young, and i wanted him like i want fresh air, he occasionally went down on me and i stopped him, be cause i just know i could not return the favor, and i couldn’t talk about it. i desired him every minute of every day, we split for other reasons, i don’t think he would have divorced me for that? he had substance abuse issues, honesty issues,etc. if the two of you have desire for each other, see a therapist!! and don’t worry about were she doesn’t want your penis!?and where you don’t want your tongue!!
We just recently married, and my wife isn’t exactly the sex bombshell.
I go down on her each time, I love it. I believe that sex is one of the crucial things a husband and wife do to further their intimacy. That being the point, I would do anything my wife will ask of me that would give her pleasure. At the risk of sounding immodest, I think I am an above average partner in terms of the attention I give to her pleasure.
However, I just can’t get her to do the same for me. When we were still dating, it was also like this, but now it feels like it had gotten worse, to the point that I feel like I am “harassing” her whenever we have sex.
She kisses me, sure. But she just doesn’t give me enough stimulation, and oral is one of those stimulants.
Help!
Hello everyone. Lot’s of similar struggles. Over a decade into marriage, kids, house, jobs, etc. Things are mostly good here. We have sex a couple times a week, either intercourse or maybe just her hands for me because my desire level is way higher than hers and so we’ve adapted. Oral was there at the beginning of our marriage, but dwindled down to once a month – that time of month – and now nothing. I’ve asked and inquired as gently as I could muster, and the deal is she isn’t comfortable, she finds it demeaning, she doesn’t want to do it anymore. It is SO depressing. Oral – probably one of the top 5 things on my list of things that make life on earth awesome. Now it’s gone. I’m in my mid 30’s! I’m too young to be cutting out most favorite things! At first I thought I was being selfish, but I’ve tried to research to be sure it’s not just me. What I’ve read has really vindicated my feelings. It makes sense. The penis is a effigy of a man’s power, masculinity, and manhood. Oral is the receiving, acceptance, and love thereof, in a most intimate and touching way. Denial of it is the exact opposite. Now that oral has been off for several months I have odd thoughts – maybe deep down inside she doesn’t really love me, maybe she just doesn’t care what my needs are desires are, maybe I don’t matter to her at all. These thoughts are not appropriate because overall we’ve got a good marriage. But when your very essence is rejected by the person you are supposed to be closest to and whom is supposed to know you the best on all the earth – ouch – it hurts deep down inside. I tick off the months. Try not to get bitter, or angry. I’ve certainly communicated how it makes me feel. No traction. I guess I have to trust that she hates it that much that it trumps what it is doing to me to not have it after it being a part of our marriage for years. That is a difficult mental task. How does one pray? For God to change my desire, or to change my wife? Ugh! I could cry. BTW, I have never put limits on time, or swallowing, heck she abandons ship as soon I’m close to climax and finishes with hands, which is not at all what I want but she’s can be prudish about these things so I’ve never forced anything – basically I’ve been amenable to the bare minimum of oral. I’m a good husband. I write love notes, do chores, bring home the money, never yell, never hit, and take good care of my kids. It ain’t me. I used to give her amazing oral whenever she wanted. I loved doing it because I loved pleasing her so much. I don’t do it anymore. After she cut me off entirely I realized I started to feel used after – you know like it’s ok if I do it to you, but I’m not good enough for you? So if she’s is behaving like we as a couple put our own best interests first, then all I can do is follow her rules accordingly, so no more oral for her. Sorry for the venting folks. Not a lot of resources out there that are sensitive to this one. I suppose it might be different if it was never part of our marriage, but it was, and now I just feel deeply rejected. Women, if you are out there, please know you have no idea how much power this has over your man’s sense of self. If he is a good man and loving you well, don’t bail on him on this aspect of your marriage – it will screw up his head and heart. Be wise. Be loving. Peace spoken.
Depressed:
I feel for you in your marriage. Yes, wives ought to seriously consider how very special and important receiving oral sex is to their husband.
What is puzzling is:”Oral was there at the beginning of our marriage, but dwindled down to once a month . . .” If a wife performs oral sex for her husband early in the marriage, why does she stop giving it later? Why does a wife over time come to think or believe that giving oral sex is “demeaning”? (Depressed: You are not alone. Other husbands have commented on various marriage blogs that their wife stopped giving oral at some point in the marriage.) One might think that a wife would become more comfortable with oral sex the more she gave it. And, in fact, many wives do become more comfortable and enjoy giving oral sex after more experience with it.
My suggestion/advice for wives is to view oral sex as the loving, giving and deeply intimate act that it is for your husband and can be for you if you let go of any mental blocks and inhibitions about it. You can get to the point where you enjoy giving it if you let go of this nonsense you’ve been told that oral sex (within a loving marriage) is demeaning. Do you love your husband? And, do you want a rich, deep connection with your husband sexually? If so, consciously work at cultivating a positive mental attitude about giving oral sex to your husband. In time, you will be pleasantly surprised to find you like doing this for and with your husband.
@Larry B
If I only I knew brother! I would walk a thousand miles if the answer was at the end.
Or…. Maybe she’s afraid she’s not doing it right. Maybe she’s read a lot and realized she’s been doing it all wrong. Maybe he makes pleasurable sounds while she rubs his back, but never when she’s performing oral sex. Maybe she’s read how eye contact is hot, but he always keeps his eyes closed. Maybe she’s read that if his eyes are closed he is fantasizing about another woman and that just breaks her heart, realizing she’s not good enough. Maybe she’s read that guys love it and nothing is better for them, but it takes her forever to make him climax from oral sex. Maybe she hates how bad she is at it. Maybe she feels like a failure, a loser, no good. I’m a woman. Maybe I feel these things sometimes. Ask her. Maybe there is more to it that you don’t realize. Make sure she knows you love her, and you’re thinking of her, and encourage her, and let her know if she’s doing something wrong. I’ve begged my husband to tell me what I’m doing wrong, and he says “you’re doing everything right.” But the silence, the closed eyes, and the time it takes tell me I’m in fact doing EVERYTHING WRONG. It makes me so sad.
B,
I climax quickest during vaginal intercourse. It takes longer for me with other forms of stimulation. I don’t know why, but I’m positive it has nothing to do with my wife’s technique. And, I don’t mind the wait because the climax is more intense when it comes. Don’t assume that he’s not enjoying it because it takes longer for him. I think you can believe him when he says you’re doing everything right. I can’t imagine bad oral sex.
Also, I think he’s keeping his eyes closed to concentrate on the physical sensation. I think that also explains the silence; he’s concentrating on the act. I highly doubt he’s thinking of someone else.
Hang in there; trust yourself and him.
B,
Yes, husbands ought to communicate during the oral sex and give feedback and encouragement to their wife. Your husband says you are doing everything right. As e2 advises, trust your husband and yourself.
Guys: do let your wife know how she is doing and how much you love her and appreciate her efforts. Communication is important for her and can help her to be more confident and comfortable.
The entire experience is quite intense for a husband and he may forget to let you know how you are doing while he is very absorbed in the experience. He is likely enjoying and savoring the total acceptance you are showing him and the pleasurable physical sensations you are giving him. But, there are physical clues that indicate you are doing fine. See how he reacts to how you use your hands and mouth. An intense climax at the finish is proof positive that you gave great oral sex.
As to taking “forever” to make him climax, you can try varying what you do and use your hands and mouth more vigorously and/or at a faster pace as that may help. As well, encourage him verbally by telling him you are looking forward to his climax. That may help get him there in less time.
I will tell you why I don’t like to. I find it incredibly embarrassing – after ten years. I wish I could stop. I feel humiliated doing it. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and as though it’s demeaning. His short orders of “Don’t stop!” or gasping for breath or sudden sounds make me feel like an idiot. When he suddenly throws me down saying, “I can’t stand it, come here!” and goes berserk, I feel like I’ve driven him to a fever pitch and ruined our night again. He says nothing when we are done, but holds my head on his chest as he clings to me and immediately falls asleep. I feel like “What just happened?” I lie awake until he’s sound asleep and then gently pull myself away to read a book or watch a movie or something. Hardly a bonding experience or even a semi-enjoyable sexual experience.
I feel like I’m torturing him – driving him wild until he can’t endure it. I feel complete unloving and almost like I’ve been mean to him. When I try to ask him about it, he just laughs at me. When I insist I’m serious, he always just says, “Let’s do it again. Maybe I’ll react differently this time.”
I try to do anything to not include oral sex. If there is no oral, we actually TALK and bond not be almost entirely silent while he disappears into his own silent world in his mind.
Sex minus oral makes me like a beloved wife – not like a prostitute.
I HATE it.
@Larry B “As well, encourage him verbally by telling him you are looking forward to his climax.”
I think this point is important. While we men find oral sex enormously intimate, I think we instinctively believe that you find it gross, especially if we climax in your mouth. IF you enjoy his climax orally (and I realize that’s a huge IF), then he may need a lot of reassurance to overcome his instinctive belief that you are being grossed out. I have to believe that a man who believes he is grossing out his wife will have a harder time reaching climax. I know that is true of me.
Dear depressed,
I am a wife and mother and when I read what you had to write, I so felt for you, you finally made me realise what my husband has been trying to tell me for years, In fact it made me own up to the realisation that I had neglected him over the years of our marriage. Somehow in my mind I thought oral sex was dirty but I know it was just a hang up of mind, in fact I was hung up about a lot of things about sex. Somehow our minds get polluted about sex for one reason or another ( especially females ) but sex in a marriage ( because to me that’s where sex belongs ) is the most intimate part of your marriage, if I could give you some tips, instead of focusing on your needs, focus on her, tell her you love her, tell her she looks sexy, tell her she’s hot, encourage her, tell her the things she’s good at, tell her she’s a great mother, literally kill her with kindness, you are going to have to literally lay your life down for her, you may have to do this day in and day out for sometime but trust me you will win her over, she will start to look at you in a different way, you will see the sparkle in her eye,SHE WILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU ALOT. After sex a few times tell her your needs, don’t tell her before sex, tell her after when you are relaxed why you like oral sex, how it makes you feel, etc. this is a big turn off when having oral sex the guy shoves his hands on your head and pushes your head down hard, if your going to do that do it gently. A wife needs to feel protected by her husband and a wife is not the slightest bit interested in your ego. You sound like a really neat guy and I genuinely pray that your marriage turns around for the better. Chrisy
I think porn is behind the problem with oral sex. The porn actress starts cold and appears to crave oral sex and is happy to do without even a hug at the end.
It’s not realistic to expect a sex act from a partner an unaroused or to expect the giver to deal with their arousal on their own or to expect a sexual gift on demand or to receive without giving lots of love and appreciation afterwards. Men are not entitled to sexual gifts.
I never give oral sex to my husband when I am unaroused and I always get an orgasm before giving. In that way, I don’t feel I am giving a service that my husband is entitled to. Oral sex is part of sex for both of us.
Marital sex should be mutually satisfying. If it is practiced as if it is for the satisfaction of one partner over the other, it will naturally stop.
Chrisy,
Those are really kind words; thank you. My wife is working though something. Something I don’t totally understand. Right now I’m trying to just bottle up a lot of hurt and anger and depression over the situation and not be a jerk and let it pour out. I honestly don’t know if I have it in me to “die to myself” this extent for this long, and try to give her breathing room and still love her while I feel really abandoned. Say a prayer for a man trying to do the right thing. To be sure, I have never ever “shoved” my wife. I know she’s sensitive to the act and so I’ve always tried to be extremely gentle in the past. All I can say is that if I were in my wife’s shoes, if I could make her crazy with pleasure that she wanted through a physical act, even if there was nothing in it for me, I’d be doing it. Same reason my butt is up early to make the coffee every single morning. I do not find the act dirty and wouldn’t ask her to do so if I did. The fact that she finds it dirty makes me seriously question how she views me way way down deep in her soul. What does she find wrong with me, something she might not even be aware of, to despise that part of me so much? Very disturbing. Good on you for taking a step out in faith to bless your husband. I truly hope he accepts your gift graciously and gives it back ten fold. If you do this for him, and he loves and honors you, he is going to feel so secure and honored, he’s going to be full of love and attention for you; at least that’s how I hope it goes for you.
Here’s my problem. I am a wife whose husband would like for me to give him oral sex. I had done it in the past with other men, but don’t want to do it now. I only did it then because I wasn’t giving them intercourse and felt I needed to do something since they were pleasing me in other ways as well. Well… I understand that men enjoy oral sex but I am really struggling with feeling insulted that my husband isn’t satisfied with sex with me. I want to feel like vagina is enough and it bothers me that it’s not. Especially since he is the only one who has been there. It’s HIS and his alone but he wants a mouth. It makes me upset. The thing is, there are times that I do think about giving him oral sex, and I would enjoy it, but I can’t get over this fear that he would like it better. Am I being stupid? He has never made a big deal out of vaginal sex with me and when I ask him how he feels about it, he only says he “likes it,” he never says he “loves it,” but I feel like he would love oral and I just can’t get over feeling insulted by that. I want to feel like my vagina is a treasure to him but I feel like it doesn’t even matter and that bothers me. What should I do?
In this day and age, it is kind of hard to want to perform oral sex on anybody. It is a lot of sexually diseases out there, men are unfaithful, and women are too. You also have to understand that some people now are having sex with multiple people, having sex with men and women now. You don’t know who these people are having sex with and if they have something. You don’t know if the people wash their privates correctly or anything. You have to be safe. Now, they also want to have anal sex. If it was with just your wife or husband, maybe. Everybody is having sex with everybody, no questions asked. What happened to just original sex. You can’t trust what people put in their mouths. You would get something the doctor can’t figure out.
@nakeli
I find your comments a little bit it funny.
You make the argument that because of diseases, unfaithfulness, multiple partners, bad hygene, that oral sex is bad idea.
But somehow, if all that was true, vaginal sex is ok? So if you were with a person who had an STD, multiple partners, was cheating on someone, and had B.O., oral sex is out but vaginal sex is in?
Weird. I would think if you had a problem with oral because of that, you’d have a problem with the whole deal.
How about just plain ol’ kissing? If “You can’t trust what people put in their mouths.” why would you kiss them? Why would you even have vaginal sex with them if you can’t even do that?
Jane,
If you haven’t already done so, I think it would be good to share with your husband what you shared here about your fear that he will prefer oral to vaginal sex. Obviously, you place a higher significance on vaginal sex than you do oral. You apparently saved vaginal sex for your husband while giving oral to other men. But, you are now denying your husband the same pleasure that you have given to others. If your husband knows of your history of giving oral sex to other men before marriage, I can only imagine he wonders what’s wrong with him — why he’s not as important to you as these other men.
I think you face a dilemma of feeding your own fears. You fear your husband prefers your mouth to your vagina, so you withhold your mouth (even though you say you would enjoy it). By withholding oral sex, you only make your husband crave it more. It will soon become an obsession (if it isn’t already) and he may even find himself resenting your vagina since it’s all you’ll give him (the very opposite attitude you want him to feel).
I imagine that your husband isn’t thinking in terms of preferring one form of sex over another in the same way you are. He probably wants variety and to experience the unique intimate pleasure that comes from oral sex. But, I also imagine that, if you gave him oral sex, he would still want plenty of vaginal intercourse.
I love a good steak, but if my wife only fed me steak every day, I would soon find myself wanting a hamburger, not because I prefer it, but just for a change of pace.
What I wish to add here is that the issue of oral sex should be a matter of mutual agreement between husband and wife. That is to say, your spouse must have a mutual agreement with you whether to engage in oral sex or not. I am totally against subjecting your spouse to oral sex even if he or she don’t like or accept it.
@ princevinco
“I am totally against subjecting your spouse to oral sex even if he or she don’t like or accept it.”
Okay, but what about the spouse who will not even try giving oral sex or receiving it? Some spouses are adamantly against oral sex even when they have not even tried it (or have only tried it once or twice in many years of their marriage). Building up such a rigid, negative mental attitude towards oral sex based on fears and/or hearing of others’ “bad” experiences with it is not helpful in the area of sexual intimacy.
We can also be against or disapprove of the behavior of the spouse who (perhaps selfishly)
deprives their husband/wife of the special intimacy that can be shared and experienced through oral sex. Is it acceptable to deprive your spouse of this experience if he/she desires it?
I would just like to share to encourage women and men in their own marriages. My husband and I were both virgins when we married young. I was a good girl and it was very difficult to let go of that and mentally be ok with all that we could enjoy in marriage. It took along time before I would even let myself enjoy sex because I felt that that somehow made me seem slutty. It was all mental for me. I am happily married to a wonderful man who I love with every ounce of my being, but I could not be comfortable with giving or receiving oral because of the thoughts that it was very degrading for me to give to him and I was afraid of what he would think of me if I let him give it to me. The baby years (3 children in 5 years) left me feeling mostly exhausted and sex became what I did out of obligation. Now that I am getting some sleep, I am trying my hardest to give back to my husband for his patience with me. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, but I am making every effort to learn and let go of my inhibitions. It is a choice and because my husband makes me feel deeply loved and safe, I am willing to be all that he desires me to be. I have asked him what he wants and if he is happy in the bedroom and he says yes, but I can’t help feeling like he would like more. I was very thin when we got married and am heavier after having children. I do not feel sexy but he makes me feel like he finds me to be anyway. I would encourage husbands to be overly loving to your wife and figure out her love language. My husband knows mine is time with him. I also would encourage wives to just make a choice. I have had to make up in my mind to but away negative thoughts about myself and sex and make an effort to give to my husband as he does to me.
I used to love giving and receiving oral. Everything about it .it was a big part of our sex. I felt most of our sex was great. At one point I felt so tired from babies and life I had a harder time , but really researched and found natural things to help my desires match his better.I even felt more desire for oral as time went on.porn sucked away all my joy .now I feel compared in his mind and constantly wonder where his mind is. It is the most destructive weapon against a fulfilling sex life. Agree with princevinco, respecting each others feelings is top priority. For over 30 years we had sex , lots, oral ,and was exciting,now due to his porn use our marriage is dangling by a thread. Men, and ladies , be very careful to keep the value and priorities you hold on loving who each other truly is , not how they perform for you. I appreciated this area of our lives and enjoyed it immensely . Realizing what porn has destroyed in my marriage is ongoing, it took this away as well.
I love giving oral to my hubby but I say no to my husbands offer of oral b/c I simply do not like it. I do not have any hang ups around this sort of thing. There are no abuse triggers surrounding this activity. I just don’t get the stimulation I need from this particular activity to generate arousal or orgasm. Hubs finds this unacceptable though. He loves performing oral and wants me to enjoy it. The times I do “let him” I am honestly bored. If there is no pleasurable sensations, sex isn’t very much fun. We have tried everything but oral just isn’t doing it for me.
I have been married for 24 years. Know my wife for 28 years. She hates sex in all forms. We may have had sex 50 times at most in our marriage. We now go six seven months without touching. Of course according to her it is all me and has always been my fault. When I talk about our relationship, sex, and counciling, I usually start getting yelled at. I have four kids and two of those are special needs. I shot straight and she was fertile. Only had sex three times before she got pregnant and did not have sex again till 18 months later. 4 times for number 2 only once unprotected. It drives me crazy how she is. Sometimes I wish I did not love her so I could leave to find someone who wanted sex at least once in a while. She will not even shower with me. So oral is a big no either way. We have tried anal as much as oral. What really gets me is 85% of the advice I find on anything doing with sex blames husband and we should just shut up and go along. People must have had more sex in past. Saw record for most babies to one woman was 72. Lots of twins triples and quads. She was in Russia. Maybe she should have said no.
Mark I feel sad when I read your post. I really don’t know what to say. But anal sex gives me a red flag moment. But I’m not God! She must have a reason why because what you describe is not normal. You two need professional help
Here is my take….. everyone focuses on the sexual act and fail to understand what it represents as a whole, commitment and intimacy. The act itself brings arousal and pleasure to the moment, but what most of you fail to put in perspective is how it fulfills the commitment aspect of the relationship. An unwilling partner who is so self-indulged in their idiosyncrasies and refuses to satisfy their life long partner was never really that committed to the relationship. Bottom line “they’re just not that into you.” If you want the biblical perspective…. Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord, and for the men, Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. Both these positions can be used to entrench or kind of “hold you ground” in this particular issue, that’s called stubborn and opportunistic interpretation. So does the wife fully commit and give in to her husbands worldly desire? Does the husband forgo his wishes for the love of his life? From a biblical standpoint if you said yes to the first you’d be right and if you said yes to the latter you’d be right again. I need to caution you at this point sometimes it can almost become a battle of wills, not willing to give in to the other partner because of ego. I would like to address the remarks of one of the first posters “Christy.” She sites oral sex as a fad sprung upon us by pornography, this is an ignorant statement based on her obvious bias. She also mentions STDs as another reason why her poor husband is not getting any oral from her (poor bastard). These are rationalizations to further her position and this is what people will do when they are not committed to something. Just think, when something is important to you, don’t you give it your all? In conclusion all these acute rationalizations by spouses to not fulfill there spouse’s wishes means your relationship is a farce.
My other comment will probably never make it through the moderator. Just don’t be afraid of divorce. Your wives are realm horribly vindictive and self serving if they are truly the way you describe them. I think good men attract these types of women often because these are prudish women who think they are above all other women and human beings due to their incredible sexual restraint. Eye roll. These types do not make good wives, good girlfriends or good anything except maybe church gossipers. Go find happiness, or die trying. Anything is better than a marriage prison.
I’m with you Chris.
Been married 30+years. I love oral, wife is not that into it. When she does do it-it seems like a chore. This is a big turn-off and makes me wonder why about not just oral but many other marital sacrifices.
I really don’t want to go without oral for both of us as we need variety to keep interested for the long run. I think I’ve been denied too long and will express my desire in a sensitive way to her and see where it goes.
I waffle back and forth-is this a deal breaker? Sometimes I really feel like it is “marriage prison”.
If women would realize how easy it would be to keep a decent man satisfied this forum would cease to exist.
@Chris @Paul This will probably offend you, but for your sakes, I have to comment.
From the whole tenor and tone of your comments, I certainly won’t do it for you either. In fact, if I were your wife, we would be in marriage counseling and facing divorce as in me leaving you. I am sincerely surprised you don’t have much bigger problems.
The underlying sense of entitlement and laser focus on one thing is really surprising. This is the woman who married you, loves you, cooks for you, cares for you when you are sick, probably washes your clothes, maybe birthed your children, and more. Yet, because she happens to dislike one single sex act, you are in “prison”.
Just wow. You guys come off as incredibly selfish, demanding and ungrateful. I really hope you are overstating for effect and didn’t mean it.
If you did, I would really suggest taking a step back and reviewing the blessing in your life that your wife is, do something to show her how much she means to you, and start working to undo the damage your actions have done already before you lose her. Instead of another “Please give me what I want.” talk, I would suggest a ‘hold her hands and tell her much you love her’ talk before telling her several specific things you appreciate about her.
Else, you may end up with no woman in your bed and no sex of any kind while your wife finds a man who does appreciate her and loves having sex with her even if there is no oral.
Oral sex now and then can keep the home fires burning brightly.
I agree with Rosa 100%
Why would anyone insist on making someone do something that totally grosses them out for WHAT EVER reason?
Your wife is a human being, did you forget?
Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.
These types of entitled selfish attitudes will only foster a woman’s reluctance to find any pleasure in sex. Actually, these types of attitudes could possibly be one cause for a woman’s disinterest in sex in the first place…Keep it up and see what happens.
If your wife truly doesn’t like oral, be a gentleman and respect her feelings. You won’t die without it.
Women, if your husband still insists, remember there is more in your mouth than just lips and a tongue.
@ Anonymous:
Why are husbands who desire to receive oral sex from their wife “selfish” or “entitled”?
As for women who are totally grossed out by the thought of performing oral sex – guess what – that is a learned attitude! Many wives, who actually try it , find they can enjoy giving this pleasure to their husband and that oral sex is a shared intimacy.
As for wives for continue to refuse this to their husbands, if you keep that up you are only making your husband frustrated and resentful of you. That is not a good thing for the health of the marriage.
@ Larry B
I was agreeing with Rosa who was responding to Paul…if you read his post,
you will notice he talks about how his wife isn’t into it and that it is a big turn off to him that it seems like a chore to her.
In my mind, why would anyone want to ask their partner to continue to do something they don’t care for? Wouldn’t it be a little more respectful for the husband to move on to something else instead of feeling he is imprisoned in his marriage and no ‘oral’ might just be a “deal breaker”? Really?
That’s entitlement….he feels he deserves that type of pleasure regardless of his wife’s feelings.
Many women don’t like oral. Many do. Many men don’t like oral. Many do. Their prerogative, learned or not.
Pushing a spouse to continue to perform an act that turns them off is what is terribly bad for the health of the marriage. Want to ruin a spouse looking forward to sex?
Shouldn’t we be talking mutual pleasure here? Shouldn’t we be talking basic human respect and kindness? Why is it such a big deal to drop the subject?
As I believe one poster previously said:
“There are edifying deeds and not so edifying deeds.”
And we wonder why women have struggles with sexual intimacy.
@Larry B – I think you missed the thread. See the last 5-6 comments in entirety. The comment was a response to previous.
I’m neither comfortable yet giving or receiving, but I want to make sure my husband is experiencing some kind of pleasure since we are stuck with condems right now. He doesn’t want me to do oral till I feel ready, but I have a really big mental block. I know that if he is freshly showered there is nothing to be grossed out about logically. However I still find it gross. The same way some people feel like they are drinking urine when they drink chlorinated water because the taste and smell reminds them of cleaning a bathroom. It’s not logical, but it is strong enough to create some serious disgust. Does anyone have advice on getting past this?
Sara, this may sound crazy, but here’s how I got passed that. I told myself it was an ice cream cone, and to enjoy it as such. I actually told myself to just behave as if it were a delicious ice cream cone (without any biting, of course!) My husband was quite pleased with the results. After I learned to enjoy that, I moved on to more intense techniques. I think most husbands would be pleased just to have their wife try, and for her to enjoy the trying. You don’t have to be “perfect”, there really is no “perfect” – it’s more the journey than the destination. (In fact, my husband didn’t enjoy it nearly as much when I was so hung up on if I were doing things “the right way”. Once I relaxed and just had fun, he relaxed and enjoyed himself much more.)
Hope this helps! Have fun!
I have to agree with AnonyThisTime Sara. I was married to my first husband really young and from day 1 he made abundantly clear that he would not give nor expect to receive oral – period. I had no objection because I had never experienced it to miss it. 3.5 years of daily physical abuse and rape later, I divorced him. Unfortunately however, I took with me a Mt. Everest of self image issues that prevented and inhibited me for almost a decade…
Until i meant my current husband…. He is a God-send to my life and with a ton of love and patience, I was able to overcome my self-conscious and self esteem issues that had haunted me. Giving him oral has become an extremely fun game for me and I learned that learning to let him return the favor is just as much of a turn on for him as it is for me…. This is just one area we have mastered and it is wonderful..
This article made me sick to my stomach. “Sexual trauma doesnt give a woman a free pass to not have sex” yes it does!! You dont even have to have had trauma…a woman can always always always refuse sex. Regardless of if she was traumatized or not. And marriage is not an agreement to have sex. There are plenty of nonsexual marriages. If someone decides they dont want sec they don’t need a “valid reason” and they certainly dont need people laying out guidelines for when they do or don’t get to say no to sex or a sexual act. If someone doesnt want to give oral, theycdont have to give oral. Period. This is borderline rapey.
@Cort … Wow. You sound angry. I guess we will have to agree to disagree on your comment that marriage is not an agreement to have sex.
I write from a Christian perspective, and the Bible is clear that sex is part of marriage. (1 Corinthians 7).
Certainly there needs to be respect and awareness and sensitivity to what can hurt or help a sexual relationship in a marriage. And marriage shouldn’t be a place of demanding certain sexual acts.
But when two people get married, they are agreeing to have sex. And if they are struggling in their sexual relationship, for whatever reason, the mature response is to address those issues and try to do whatever possible to move toward healthier sexual patterns.
Thanks for commenting, though. I just think we have different viewpoints on the role sex plays in a marriage, as well as the responsibility both a husband and a wife have to nurture healthy sexual intimacy.
I’ve been married for 20 years now. My husband never once demanded oral sex but over the years he’s hinted more often than not that he enjoys it immensely.
I was VERY inexperienced when we got married, and a virgin too. Previously, I turned my nose up in disgust at putting my mouth on a man’s penis. It felt whorish to me, and I was anything BUT that.
Yet, two decades later, I find myself giving him oral sex freely…without reservations…and without expecting anything in return. I realize that it’s NOT a whorish act but one steeped in love, respect and trust with the right person.
What changed? I can’t pinpoint for sure but my mindset changed a bit in how I view the act of giving him something that makes him feel good, and is an expression of my love for him. I will say that once I saw how I could make him happy like that, and that he did genuinely seem to enjoy it, our sex life in general improved. We grew closer as a result.
I even swallow now, and I always spit in the past. He makes me feel sexy and special. After I give him oral, he expresses how much he loves me either through his words or his actions. I never feel like it’s a dirty act anymore.
I am blessed that he never made an issue out of it, and let me come to it on MY own terms. There never was a sense of entitlement with him. If there was, I’m sure we’d be in counseling by now. He does give me oral freely as well with no expectation of reciprocation on his part which is really nice.
Julie, I love your blog, and am a regular reader. God bless you.
You sound a lot like my wife as a husband that waiting period was very painful for me. But like all ways say life is. Not about getting its about building character. Now sex mostly oral sex for us is amazing.
@HappyWife
Exactly! Good for you that you were able to come around to doing it, but its so true that oral sex is one of those acts that you may have to wait for your spouse to become comfortable with on her own. I hate that my husband constantly nags me about it. At first, I agreed with him that I was being unreasonable not at least trying it first, but now I’ve tried it several times over the years and I just hate it. And I certainly don’t feel any intimacy from it. I give him regular sex and I hardly ever say no. We have sex in multiple positions and multiple places, but this act, I just can’t. He tried to manipulate me into doing it by saying he wasn’t going to be doing it for me anymore. I don’t know why he thought that would work, I never asked him to perform it on me in the first place.
Men that say that they are considering leaving/divorce or unfaithfulness because there’s no oral sex; good luck in your next relationships or marriages. There’s no guarantee that the next woman would not eventually turn out like the one you have now, or probably worse, especially after you bring on the bitterness that you’re carrying from your first marriage. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I’m tired of men saying that they feel rejected or unloved because their wife doesn’t perform one act or doesn’t perform it the perfect way that he would want it (climaxing in her mouth and/or swallowing). This is a woman that cares for you and your children, cooks for you, takes care of your home, comforts you, supports you in your endeavors, respects you and gives you sex. If these aren’t acts of love, I don’t know what is. Stop using your insecurities to justify selfishness or entitlement.
I don’t understand why it’s selfish if she doesn’t want to perform the act, but it isn’t selfish when the man is trying to get her to do something she’s obviously uncomfortable with or turned off by. If she refuses sex entirely, then that’s a different story and a breach of the marriage agreement. Ladies, if you’re not comfortable doing a particular act, please speak up and never feel like your refusal to perform oral sex makes you somehow inadequate.
It is sad, but if a man so much desires it that he is ready to file for divorce, then his wife is really better off without him…Good riddance!
Such selfishness no doubt has caused other fissures in the marriage already.
oral sex is one of my favorites and my husband thinks it’s for $5 dollar hookers! e hates it!! I gave him oral sex when we were dating and he pulled me off him and I thought he just wanted to wait until marriage… It is just so easy to do honestly, and to the woman who was asking for advice on how to get over your inhibitions… just lick it like you would want to be licked…start slowly but steady, then go hard and suck it until he is about to come, then stuck it in the back of your throat and swallow his cum in one swallow. You won’t even taste it at all and you won’t have to wash the sheets!
I don’t think you should ever make someone do something they are not comfortable doing but I wish someone would have given me the advice to make darn sure your sexual preferences are in tune before you make a life time commitment! In the mean time I… really…enjoy eating bananas, because that’s how feel!
I have been married for nearly 11 yrs to a man who is happy to receive oral sex but NEVER wants to return the favor. It’s so frustrating! His unwillingness makes me feel bad and like there is something wrong with me. I’ve never had a complaint in the past. How do I change this around? He’s a good guy, this is not a “divorcible” problem but it is VERY frustrating! I feel cheated! I was trying to be a good girl and honor a God by keeping pure during dating, but deep down I I regret being pure now. ?