authentic, intimacy, passion, sex, sexual intimacy
Batteries Included: Sex Toy Use?
So, let’s have a little chat about sex toys. I don’t take such a discussion lightly, because the women I hear from want to know… are sex toys okay in the eyes of the Lord?
Well, I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I do know this: God likes it when His followers foster healthy dialogue.
So, we’re just talking here. You may agree with me or disagree with me, but I pray you value the process of dialogue. And I would love to hear your insights as well!
Obviously, when the Bible was written, electronic sex toys of any kind were not made. There is nothing in the Bible that says “use of a sexual aid is a sin.”
Whenever God is vague or silent on something or when we are facing modern-day circumstances, He desires that we press into the Holy Spirit through prayer and discernment and arrive at an interpretation that honors our marriage. What is right for one marriage may not be right for another, depending on the circumstances.
If sex toys are going to be used, whether individually by a spouse or as part of a married couple’s sexual intimacy, I believe the following guidelines are worthy guardrails to navigate within:
1. Both the husband and wife are aware the toys are being used and are fine with this.
In other words, our sexuality cannot be a place where behaviors or secrets are hidden or manipulatively kept from our spouse. If a husband and a wife both are comfortable with sex toy use (either together or one spouse using them individually), then the behavior is happening within light, not within darkness.
There has to be great dialogue between you and your husband…that you both are comfortable with the when, where and why the toys are being used. This goes for on-going dialogue and the freedom to change your mind and to express your genuine feelings.
Is use of a sex toy drawing you into oneness? Is use of the sex toy mutually agreed upon and not forced (which wouldn’t be loving at all)? Good questions to ponder.
2. No third parties.
No one else can be involved in your sexual intimacy besides your spouse. This means no actual people participating, no one watching you, no viewing of pornographic or explicit material and no fantasizing about others besides your spouse.
Obviously, it would be adulterous to involve third parties in any way and would tarnish the sacredness of your marital covenant.
3. The sex toy isn’t being used to avoid intimacy with a spouse.
Whenever someone is purposely withholding themselves from their spouse and prefers a sex toy over intimacy with their spouse, then there is tremendous likelihood of increased division within the relationship.
Filter everything through 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, which clearly shows that when we marry, we should willingly offer our body to our spouse. Do not allow use of a sex toy to meet your needs to a point that you have little or no desire for actual sex when your husband is available.
4. Recognition that because a sex toy is man-made, it has rapidness capabilities that generally are not the same during sex without toys.
In other words, vibrators and sex toys are pretty much a “sure thing” and can make a woman climax very quickly.
They should not be a substitute for genuinely knowing each other in a way where you have truly taken the time, effort and vulnerability to understand how to arouse each other, how to enjoy oneness, etc. I encourage women to not rely solely on a sex toy to bring them to orgasm… strive to understand and learn and teach each other what it takes to reach orgasm without toys.
Truth be told, orgasm feels very very good. I am not going to deny that one bit.
Wanting to experience orgasm is a valid desire, because sexual climax was designed by the Lord. You and your husband together will arrive at what is relevant for sexual intimacy within your marriage. Whether the suggestion of a sex toy is yours or your husband’s (or if you both are wondering together), talk about it. I encourage you to talk, pray, and together decide if this is okay for your marriage.
There are websites geared toward couples (often Christian couples) who want to explore the use of toys and sex aids, but do not want to visit pornographic sites or go to stores to buy such products.
The site I recommend and trust and with which I have an affiliate relationship is Covenant Spice.
You can get to it by clicking on the below image:
Copyright 2010. Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I really appreciate the frankness and biblical perspective of this article and agree with it 100%! A godly discussion of this topic is certainly not something that a lot of Christian women have had easy access to, and because of this, they can either avoid exploring the option altogether or feel guilt about it if they have. But, within the guidelines you discussed, I believe these “marital aids” can be a tremendous blessing to a couple in their intimacy! Physiology, for a woman, can make climax more “challenging” and the husband (or wife) can end up feeling frustrated or, somehow, responsible since a lack of climax must mean he/she is “doing something wrong”. This can also be even more of an issue as the couple ages … something my husband and I are dealing with. Once we prayerfully, openly and honestly considered this option and the potential impact (physically, emotionally and spiritually) on us individually and on us, as a couple, we decided to try it … and neither of us regrets the decision! In fact, I think it has enhanced our time together because there is less anxiety and more consistent, full enjoyment of our time together. Speaking for me, I know it has increased my desire for intimacy because of all the reasons I’ve shared … and that has been a blessing to BOTH of us. Thank you for sharing this most delicate topic, and for the website referrals. Another that I would add is http://www.thepurebed.com . God bless!
Thank you Jeanine! I so appreciate your personal input…very relevant and I know will offer a lot to the readers. Thanks too for the mention of the additional site… http://www.thepurebed.com.
Blessings to you! julie
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I really appreciate the frankness and biblical perspective of this article and agree with it 100%! A godly discussion of this topic is certainly not something that a lot of Christian women have had easy access to, and because of this, they can either avoid exploring the option altogether or feel guilt about it if they have. But, within the guidelines you discussed, I believe these “marital aids” can be a tremendous blessing to a couple in their intimacy! Physiology, for a woman, can make climax more “challenging” and the husband (or wife) can end up feeling frustrated or, somehow, responsible since a lack of climax must mean he/she is “doing something wrong”. This can also be even more of an issue as the couple ages … something my husband and I are dealing with. Once we prayerfully, openly and honestly considered this option and the potential impact (physically, emotionally and spiritually) on us individually and on us, as a couple, we decided to try it … and neither of us regrets the decision! In fact, I think it has enhanced our time together because there is less anxiety and more consistent, full enjoyment of our time together. Speaking for me, I know it has increased my desire for intimacy because of all the reasons I’ve shared … and that has been a blessing to BOTH of us. Thank you for sharing this most delicate topic, and for the website referrals. Another that I would add is http://www.thepurebed.com . God bless!
Thank you so much Rick’s wife for the comment (the name came in as Rick, but I can tell it is a woman who wrote the comment). Anyway, thank you for adding to this discussion! You share authentically about your own personal experience, which I believe is so encouraging. It is a delicate topic, but you and your husband obviously value your intimacy greatly, and you are willing to navigate delicate topics that strengthen your oneness! I pray any other couples reading this are encouraged by your story. Be blessed…
This is a fantastic post! Kudos to you for engaging in and promoting this discussion. All of your points are spot on. Sex is a an intentional, creative, and wonderfully enjoyable gift from our Creator. The freedom God gave us for our bedrooms should never be abused. We are called to humbly honor and passionately serve Christ and spouse in everything we do, inside and outside of the bedroom.
Sex toys, fantasy, and novelty will never solve a boring and mediocre marriage. As you so eloquently stated, toys should never be “quick fix” or substitute for intimacy. Fulfillment in marriage only comes as we pursue a real and deep relationship with Christ; which allows the Holy Spirit to transform our hearts and mold us into being more selfless.
Thank you for referencing our company: Christian Love Toys – A Safe & Sexy Place for Christian Married Couples. Our founders started the company specifically to engage in the discussion of and promote the joys of “Christian sex” and to serve married couples by providing a safe and fun shop with a careful selection of products. There are certain products and actions that have no place in the Christian bedroom. We encourage all shoppers to abide by our
“Site Guidelines”, which coincidentally echo and agree with your points. I do not want this to sound like too much shameless promotion, but we really appreciate you referencing us.
Great, great post. Love everything you had to say! I’ve found that for us our favorite toy helps me “keep up” with my hubby. Sometimes things that feel really good to both of us will lead him to climax sooner than for me, so a vibrator gets me to that point at the same time. Nice! Also, I’ve noticed that it’s easier for me to climax at certain times in my cycle, and harder in others. A toy can get me “there” during those times, when otherwise it might not happen for me. But we’e sure to not rely on the toys too much. Nothing takes the place of sweet, pure, hands-on lovemaking. I want my hubby to gave to work for my big O sometimes, hehe. =]
My husband has severe scoliosis, making sex very painful for him at times. We’ve found that a simple vibrator helps me reach orgasm without adding more pressure and pain to his back. Granted, we both were raised extremely conservatively, so it took a little bit of convincing reading and praying to come to the conclusion that it was okay in the first place =)
Thank you Stitching Seams for your comment… I am blessed and humbled by your honesty and your commitment to your sexual intimacy. You and your husband are fortunate to have the willingness, heart and intention to walk toward nurtured intimacy!!
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I would add Pure Romance to the list of sites. There are sex toys, however, there are no pornographic images on the site. I know many Christians who use and love the products. This is a really great article about sex toy use. This is exactly how I feel about it and teach at my Pure Romance shows.
I’ve never been here before. After my husband brought this up (that I should try this) I searched the web and found a link to this article. I never would’ve thought of using one of these items and I’m still not sure about this. So just one question – how in the world does a woman decide which item to buy? There are so many variations. You can’t test drive them and I doubt sellers have a return policy if it doesn’t work on you. I’m not sure about any of this, but I appreciate your website so far Julie and some of the comments of women who say this is ok afterall.
I can’t believe I just said all that.
Dear Embarrassed… thank you for your comment and your honesty. You are simply trying to explore ways to enhance intimacy with your husband and experience pleasure… I affirm you greatly that you value your marriage enough to want to nurture intimacy.
As for the various products available, I would suggest a bullet or egg vibrator as a good place to start. They are small and simple to use and generally reasonably priced. Take a look at the sites listed in the post and you can view what they have available. They will ship anything you order in a discreet package, so you don’t have to worry about that.
I hope this is helpful. Be encouraged… it all is good that you want to enjoy sex more with the man you married. Feel free to email me if you have any other questions you would like to discuss via email… jksibert@cox.net.
I don’t feel comfortable with sex toys, but I do appreciate the appropriate links. It’s hard to find safe sexual sites.
The marriage bed is to be holy and undefiled ! Do not lose your soul
Why the discreet package ??
Thank you, T. Brown, for your comments. I think this is an area where we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
I’m aware that there is debate among Christians as to if sex toy use is appropriate. This shouldn’t surprise us (any sensitive issue like this is going to generate a variety of opinions and interpretations of Scripture).
As I mentioned in the post, I do think necessary boundaries are needed if a couple decides to incorporate sex toys into their lovemaking. I don’t think a couple is going to lose their souls or the marriage bed be defiled. But that’s my opinion… some agree with me and some disagree with me.
As for “the discreet package” when married couples order sexual aids through the mail… that’s because sexual intimacy within a marriage is meant to be a private exclusive experience. No one else needs the specific details of what’s happening in the marriage bed. I think it’s great that companies offer discreet packaging.
Anyway, thanks for the comments! Always appreciate when dialogue is generated.
Blessings to you…
“Do not lose your soul.”
I wonder if “T.” has ever used an electric toothbrush (“Do not be quick with your mouth…” Ecclesiastes 5:2a). Ha.
Last time I checked, salvation was in Christ alone. Our bodies are the temple of God and belong to our spouses. Julie has posted very important guidance above to help married Christians enjoy sexual intimacy, especially in a world where sexuality has been perverted by the real godless among us — and amid the realities that many couples need to tactfully, graciously and humbly consider the use of sex toys to cultivate that.
Do not cast judgement where God has not cast judgement. Honor the conscience, and if your conscience objects, so be it. If you are called to speak out lovingly to teach, that too is fine. But do not be quick with your mouth: do your best to first understand the realities facing Christian marriages today. Over 50% of Christian marriages fail, and lack or loss of intimacy is one very major area. Julie’s compromised nothing in faith or scripture here, so why not direct your attention to the issues where people are blatantly doing so?
T., maybe you too can be a positive voice for saving marriages instead. I have no doubt my sister in Christ Julie Sibert is in a way that is appropriate and greatly needed.! God bless you!
Great comments. Toys can be very helpful if the wife cannot achieve orgasm with the husband, the husband also needs to know his wife is being pleased! YES TOYS!!!!!!!! Christians need the freedom to use them.
What if it is the husband who uses sex toys on himself? Strange, unusual items that are hard to accept. And thinks that you’re the one with an issue for seeing a problem with it.
@Confused Mom… Have you asked him why he wants to use them? I’m not necessarily saying it’s wrong, but it would be good if he could explain his motive. If it is simply because he likes the way it feels, then that’s probably not cause for alarm. However, if his use of sex toys is becoming a roadblock to intimacy between the two of you or if he demands that they be used, those are red flags to me. Whatever is happening in the marriage needs to not only fall in line with biblical guidelines, but also needs to be strengthening intimacy, not minimizing it.
If he seems to not want to engage in a discussion about it, possibly write him a letter, expressing your concerns. Strive to then have the letter be a springboard into more verbal conversation, preferably conversation happening away from your bed or moments of sex.
I’m a woman not wanting to use a vibrator, but enjoy masterbating with the hand to ease sexual satisfaction when alone many times because of my husband’s 2 jobs. He doesn’t travel, but is tired a lot when he comes home. He says it’s ok for me to masterbate while he’s gone. In turn I say he can masterbate anytime he wants. When we are together we have outstanding sex. We both prefer no vibrator as we have such meaningful love making and fun woithout it. (married 24 yrs, & why fix something not broken). We are both very honest & open about when we masterbate (no secrets). However, I have read many posts on other sites that say to masterbate is a sin. Is it if the spouse approves? I’m so confused.
@Curious: Stop worrying what others think! It sounds like you have a good arrangement, and enjoy togetherness. Why change anything?
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Amazing article, I really believe toys can be a real benefit for couples, new or old ones, doesn’t really matter as long as fun kicks in. Me and my husbund started to use toys after 10 years of relationship and its really refreshing for our sexual life.
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