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Are You Making Cupcakes Instead of Making Love?
If you had to choose between nurturing your marriage and nurturing your relationship with your children, which would you choose? Truth is, we never are presented a choice like that. As wives, though, we sometimes behave as if such a choice has been presented — and our loyalty has fallen squarely with our children. Is it any wonder when husbands lament that they feel like “just another child” in their own home?
I’m not trying to be harsh, so hang in there with me. No need to send me hate mail or call me insensitive. I love my kids just as much as I am sure you do. But when kiddos enter the scene, we sometimes allow them to consume our lives… and before long, time with the man you married starts to take a back seat (and not the fun “let’s fool around in the back seat.”)
No wife wants to admit that she is willing to regularly sacrifice time with her husband, all in the name of being a mom. Sex and alone time with husband? That can wait. Cupcakes for tomorrow’s class party? Better stay up late baking those suckers. I’m not saying you should neglect your children (not that having store-bought cupcakes is neglect, but you know what I mean). I’m just saying that the covenant relationship of your marriage deserves — and needs — intentional devotion.
Here’s the irony to it all — one of the very best gifts you can give your children is a nurtured marriage. It’s GOOD for them to see that you are a wife separate from being a mom. Get playful with your husband. Appropriately express your love and interest in front of your kids — hold hands, touch, hug, etc. Make a concerted effort to spend time alone with your husband. Yeah, those kiddos may think it’s downright selfish of you (which has a ring of irony to it too… them thinking you are the selfish one). The teenagers may even roll their eyes in disgust. But deep down, your children like knowing that mama and daddy are in love. It’s some of the best security you can give them.
So, are you making cupcakes when you could be making love? Skip the kitchen and head for the bedroom. There will always be a nearby grocery store ready with some pre-made cupcakes.
On another note, I found a really great marriage blog called TheMarryBlogger. Check it out and be encouraged.
Copyright 2010. Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Good advice. I will tell you it also applies to the husband. Maybe mine just used the baby as an excuse, but he never wanted to show affection in front of our son. And would say we could not have sex because he might wake up and ‘catch us.’ So sometimes it is the husband and not always the wife. But then mine was a strange marriage with lots of other strongholds. I am not sure I have even figured them all out.
And yes, kids really benefit from seeing their parent loving each other. I worry that my son did not have that model.
God Bless.
Exactly what I say! I adore my children, but my relationship with my husband has to come first- not only because it’s better for the kids and because we want to be good role models, but because it’s a totally different and special relationship. We CHOSE each other, and we plan to keep choosing each other long after the kids move out.
I tell him, “Don’t tell the kids… but you’re my favourite.” 🙂
No doubt for sure Mrs. Embers… I always tell women… you are going to be married a lot longer than you are going to be parenting (active parenting children still in your home). Thanks for the comment! I appreciate it and glad to hear about the example you are setting for your kiddos (and everyone else around you as well)!
Julie,
Great post! You are so right that building your marriage is one of the best things you can do for you kids. In a world where kids as young as kindergarten worry about when mommy and daddy will divorce, a visibly strong and healthy love for our spouse is a great relief to children.
Many blessings as you blog about such a critical subject. May your followers increase, that they may be blessed!
Paul
Thanks Paul for the comment! I am so passionate on this topic… I talk with many women who really struggle with this dynamic… they even feel guilty nurturing their marriage. I just know, though, that kids find much comfort from mom and dad being in love (and showing it!) Be encouraged in your ministry… thanks again! julie
So true! And just what my mom’s always been saying. My home was the safest place on earth, because I knew my parents loved each other. And I’m so thankful for that gift. I think it’s one of the best they ever gave me, together with giving me a lot of siblings…
Thanks for the comment Kristina! I think often married couples think “there will always be time somday to nurture our marriage.” But now is as good as time as ever…it helps the kids understand the “one flesh” mystery of marriage, so that they someday can treat their marriages with great care as well. Hope you like the site! Thanks again!
I love the title, and thanks for pointing me to the post. Yes, you’ve captured my point exactly!
Peace,
Lori
Great post, Julie. I think you’re right on. The marriages of future generations are taking shape right now, in our living rooms, with the way husband and wife talk to each other, with thoughtful actions, with affection, and with showing your kids your marriage is worth it! My mother-in-law always told their children, “your father was here first” when it seemed like he was getting the short end of the stick and kids were demanding more. I am thankful for that example, because today my wife and I feel the same way about each other and our hopefully our kids will understand our marriage is a big deal.
We’ve been married 25 years. For most of those, I DID feel like just another kid or a visitor in my house. I’ve tried to discuss that with my wife – but she is SO defensive about this. I got so tired of begging for sex and feeling like an interruption that I told her, I’m “available” whenever she is in the mood – it’s up to her when and where. I resigned myself to being content with that level of frequency – whatever it
Divorce is a word removed from our vocabulary – so we’re both here for the long run.
I’ve seen some improvement in the last 4-5 years – but I do lament, what could have been…..
Dan thank you for your comments on this post. I’m sorry sexual intimacy has not been all you hoped for in your marriage. Sadly, what you have shared is reflected in many marriages. I do not have easy answers (not that you were looking for easy answers). If you have calmly talked to her and she gets defensive, do you think maybe writing a letter to her would be another approach worth trying. Obviously, I don’t know anything about her reservations about sex, so it’s hard to know how she would react. I affirm you both that divorce is not an option…that shows tremendous commitment to the covenant of marriage. Thank you again for sharing so honestly.
I’m a guy – OF COURSE I’m looking for easy answers 🙂
Seriously, thanks for the suggestion of writing a letter. I’m not sure how she would view it. In general, her response to other similar items has been “get over it”. Meaning that this happened in the past, why bring it up again.
She doesn’t have reservations per se about sex, it’s more of a situation of the kids being a higher priority than me and our sex life. (wow, I guess I’ve never really said that outloud to anyone else before…..). She was a stay at home mom, previously. As the kids are now in college and high school, I am beginning to see some change – but now she is working outside the home 3 days a week. She doesn’t feel fulfilled taking care of the house and making a home for us (even if it will shortly be just the two of us). Maybe its my fault that I have somehow failed as a husband to communicate how much I cherish her.
I guess I can appreciate all of the sacrifices she made (gave up a career, read the same books to the kids a million times over, was there when they came home from school, is a wonderful mom). But by the same token, now that those responsibilities are decreasing, I was hopeful that she could turn her attention more to me and to “us”.
Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself – sorry for the pity party.
Dan, all I can say is that I fell your pain brother. Same situation here, albeit without the covenant part unfortunately. My wife has never felt the marriage comes first, and will argue that point even. I’ll be shocked if we get to 25 years frankly (18 now) – it’s hard to work on issues (or just have fun) when the relationship has been delegated to last place priority. I hope things get better for you two.
Alan – I guess I’m just caught up in the catch 22 of how do I “inspire” her to be interested in us while I recognize the only person I can truly change is ME.
I do see her trying a little on the intimate/sex side. But her “activity” is much less focused than mine. Maybe a better way to say that is that I’ve been kicked up a few notches and she is still at a lower level.
REALLY hard to be patient with this. I feel a bit unequally yoked on this critical part of our relationship.
I don’t have much advice for you other than to keep loving her. I pray that both of our wives will be shown how important this connection is to their husbands.
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