Not long ago, I received an email from a reader, and I thought it could encourage other readers.
In what she shares below, she mentions supplements and sex toys. I realize some of you may have concerns about those. Certainly I encourage you to pray, talk openly with your husband and consult your medical care professional with any questions.
What compelled me most about her story is that she didn’t give up! She didn’t give up on enjoying sex with the man she married.
There is hope we can glean from her journey…
Please encourage post-menopausal women not to give up on having great sex in the bedroom. Our husbands crave it and we need it, whether we believe it or not.
For the first time in almost 7 years, I have been able to experience FIREWORKS!! with my husband and we are so thrilled! A 60-year-old friend told me that for her, it took some iodine supplementing (for cold extremities), and a good vibrator, and now she and her husband were having a wonderful time.
For me, the iodine was somewhat helpful, but most helpful of all was using the vibrator, and changing my thoughts about our sexual relationship. I had dreaded menopause because I had heard that it totally changed the marriage bed experience (dryness, low-libido, ‘sparklers’ instead of ‘4th of July fireworks’) and since these same things were happening to me, I settled for a less satisfying experience (though we had fun at our weekly date night, and were dedicated to figuring this problem out).
Then came the aforementioned evening that gave me hope. We needed the vibrator, and the push-start from the supplement.
Yes, it felt sort of weird and humbling and time-consuming to give guidance to my husband’s caresses and to do lots of experimentation (one revelation was that it took almost 15 minutes of patient, loving direct stimulation for me to reach ‘O’ and I needed to give my brain over completely to the experience.!) It is not the same hormone-crazed coupling that we experienced in our 20s and 30s, and 40s…that’s true, but is is satisfying and rich. We are having such fun!!!
Definitely, the Christian marriage blogs have been very instrumental in helping me to change my mindset and believe that God would be pleased to bless our efforts in this area instead of me settling for getting close, but not quite hitting MY target.
My husband is totally faithful, trustworthy and God-focused, and that has helped me to put my confidence in him, especially when he praises my body and tells me how much I satisfy his needs.
I have always believed that God answers prayer, but now I see that He even delights to answer a long-standing prayer request that I thought was perhaps selfish. Hopefully this will help someone who is in great need of encouragement. We serve an awesome God!!
I appreciate that she was willing to share. I pray you are encouraged as well!
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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
This is very nice to hear. Too bad there are so many women who will never consider this. i am very happy for her and her husband.
Julie this is an important topic. Equally important is to understand that menopause is a process that goes on for a while, possibly quite a long time, before complete. That process – peri-menopause – can be pretty brutal for some women.
My bride has struggled with peri-menopause and its effects for years. The first couple of years were really hard on our relationship. Really hard. Her doctor finally got some hormone levels sorted out, which made a HUGE difference. She felt so much better about her self, and I felt like I got my wife back.
I suspect that many husbands don’t understand that the entire menopause process can last years.
It’s very good to see something positive published about women, menopause & sex! I am 56, and my hubby is 55. We are 16 years into our marriage…which was a re-marriage for both of us. We have 4 kids between us ranging in age from 15 to nearly 30, only the youngest of which is ours together. We were 40 when he was born, so you can see that we were well on our way to “old age” when we got together! We have had many ups and downs, but the last 6 years have taken us on a wild ride with me going through menopause start-to-finish leaving him sort of in the dust — literally and figuratively — with the symptoms of “the change” making sex painful and uncomfortable for me, pretty much extinguishing my desire, leaving us at odds on a very important aspect of our marriage. We had really gotten to the point where just the idea of sex was so unappealing for me, and such a pipe dream for him, that we might have even eventually divorced. Then, less than a month ago, my husband emailed me a link to a Christian marriage blog. Immediately I began doing my own research, and my heart was really touched and opened by his attempts to continue to reach out to me emotionally & physically. I began to see his continuing need for sex as a need for loving contact not just physical release…and I decided to challenge myself and be available sexually “even if it hurt” for 14 days…and amazingly, we have worked through so much in such a short time! One thing we found was that for the pain, using vitamin E has helped immensely in completely alleviating my physical discomfort! I am not on hormones and decided to never resort to them…so using the vitamin E (right out of the capsule, rubbed directly on the hurting area) was a miracle for us! I’m not sure why every doctor doesn’t recommend it for women in menopause because it truly has been a game-changer for us. Also, I would recommend that couples put shyness and pride aside, face some facts, sloowwww down, and get a good lube, and use that generously every single time without feeling self conscious or inadequate. Also, take TIME, be patient & present, be honest and open, and talk to each other, experiment, find solutions, and keep loving one another! Menopause is a transition, not a stumbling block, and what is waiting on the other side is a deeper, more loving, richer connection and a new way of living. Thank you for breaking the ice on this topic, which is affecting an ever-increasing segment of our population. I am grateful that I have been giving a second chance at this stage of life, and I look forward to reading more about this on here and in other blogs and publications. 🙂
Julie, I have no doubt that you hear this all the time – and rightfully so!!! THANK YOU for your blog!! So many of your posts are blessing our marriage beyond measure. We recently celebrated 16 years of marriage, and it was already very good. Your blog is helping it move back to awesome!!
-Happy & Hopeful Husband
People in this phase of life should consider “Yes!” lubricant. The material has nothing in it that isn’t organic–no man made stuff, that frequently irritates. It comes in water based, oil based, and oil based vanilla, my favorite, because of the fresh, natural and light scent. If you go right to sleep after, when you wake up, it has just disappeared into the skin. No sticky after mess.
This is a British product and it has won several awards. It isn’t going to be as cheap as buying something that is actually harmful, like many over the counter items that are heavily marketed.
But what price is worth paying for comfort and help in your lovemaking? Another point is that if your love life is pretty much done–hope that isn’t so, but if it is–there is still pain and dryness. This is one of the main prescribed treatments for dryness in the U.K.
See this page for doctors’ recs and ways to get samples. If you order $50 worth, which is a lot, because a little goes a long way–shipping from the U.K. is free: http://www.yesyesyes.org/nhs/
Adjusting to the changes in life is one of the secrets to marital happiness. With age frequency normally decreases, but the quality can improve. Be creative, take lots of time, problem-solve, communicate, research, and experiment. God meant for some kind of sexual activity to occur in marriage as long as it is physically possible; and, believe me, it can be possible far longer than some would imagine. Never give up. True love and determination can usually find a way.
The aging guys have physical challenges to overcome as well. Where there is a will, there is a way. Both husband and wife need to be committed to really loving each other and really trying to give as much of themselves as there is to give in as much intimacy as they can manage. Rather than becoming something settled and automatic, communication becomes even more important and takes even more effort as you get older. The aging couple really does need to be totally open and honest with each other, because they are going to have to figure out together how to make it work physically – and also because maybe the “brain sex” of deeper emotional intimacy becomes increasingly important as the raw physical interaction starts to diminish in ability. A LOT of patience and understanding from each to the other is very much needed.