authentic, intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What is Your Sexual Truth in Your Marriage?
Dec
Matthew West’s song “Truth Be Told” has wrecked my heart as of late.
It is such a beautiful anthem of this dynamic that seems to play out in countless lives in a million different ways. We often say we are fine when we aren’t.
And while I know we must have good discernment on how and to whom we bare our brokenness and messiness, I also know we need discernment to not hold it all inside.
Sometimes we aren’t fine. Sometimes we are broken…in our relationships, our mental health, our physical health, our finances, and our work.
And I’m not using the word “broken” to describe something less than or irretrievably damaged or worthless. I’m using the word “broken” to describe authentic struggles that countless people face, yet we often internalize as painfully unique to only us.
I have spent nearly all of 2020 in a broken place.
I was nearly crushed by the emotional and mental weight of caring for an elderly parent. I was exasperated with the addiction struggles of my brother who then died homeless. I was exhausted with the increasing uncertainty of a pandemic that wreaked havoc at every turn. And all of the above not only took a toll on my overall wellbeing, but also on my marriage.
I have spent nearly all of 2020 in a broken place. Sometimes we say we are fine. But we are not.
Matthew West speaks so piercingly clear in his lyrics. Writing them out doesn’t do them justice, so I encourage you to also go find his song on the internet and listen to it. Genuinely listen to it and look for where you see yourself in it.
Lie number one…you’re supposed to have it all together.
And when they ask how you’re doing
Just smile and tell them, “Never better.”
Lie number two…everybody’s life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors
Truth be told
The truth is rarely told
I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine, but I’m not
I’m broken
And when it’s out of control I say it’s under control, but it’s not
And you know it.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it.
I am slowly finding my bearings, and I am optimistic for 2021. I have faith in the covenant my husband and I share, but I’d be lying if I said we aren’t still shell shocked from what 2020 laid at our feet.
I am grateful I have safe confidantes who receive my truth, no matter how messy and heartbreaking it is. Presence alone speaks volumes. And I am humbly in love with a Savior who stays. (Matthew West hit that theme out of the park too with his song “The God Who Stays.” Definitely another good one worth soaking in).
So what is your truth right now? What would you tell me if you were telling your truth?
It is a good question to ponder about life on a broad scale, but because I write about sex in marriage, I also encourage you to think of it in that regard.
What is your sexual truth in your marriage?
Maybe the two of you are fine or even wonderful with your sexual connection, which is cause for rejoicing. Maybe you are not fine and the truth of that brokenness is hungering for some light and acknowledgement. Maybe the brokenness scares you or devastates you or angers you. Maybe it’s recent. Or maybe it’s gone on for years.
What is your sexual truth in your marriage? And what are the other truths in your life where you have lied about being fine?
Don’t let 2021 pass without looking hard at those questions.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Love this, Julie. God’s light shines brightest through our brokenness. And you are doing that with this post. Praying 2021 is full of aha moments where you sense God healing those broken places even more than you’d hoped or dreamed.
WOW, that was wonderful, beautiful! Thank you Julie for being so honest and upfront with us your loyal readers. We pray for you often for strength and wisdom that you pass on to us. Thank you for a wonderful year of “Intimacy in Marriage”!
I could say that the sexual truth of our marriage is that its been a complete disaster for nealry 30 years. Since day one she has been a refuser – literally, on our wedding night, she told me it wasn’t happening. It was 16 months until we consummated, and that was onliy because she wanted to get pregnant. And when she was, refused again until 8 months after the birth. 3 years, sex 4 times. At most, in 30 years, we had sex 10 times in one year – and that was 3 years ago, in the middle of counseling, when the counselor made it absolutely clear that sexless was unacceptable – and it was fight to get that. (BTW, it was the third run of counseling). We moved, and it all stopped again. In the past 7 years – only that 10 times.
the pure and simple sexual truth of our marriage has 3 parts:
1) she has always controlled it: when, where, how, why
2) I have always surrendered because I thought i was being a good husband
3) the church has been of absolutely no help whatsoever (3 counseling sessions lasting years each)
At this point, I feel our marriage is irrevocably broken. I don’t believe in divorce, and neither does she, but in reality, the truth is that our marriage has been over for years. I used to weep over this, cry nightly. Beg. work myself to the bone to do what she demaned. Been treated for depression. Avoided all women, (in case I was tempted). And I’m done. At some point in the next few years, when all the kids are gone, I’m leaving. I don’t are anymore, don’t care what it will cost (she can have it all). If I lose all my friends, my church, my family – I just don’t care anymore. I just want to be alone.
Oh, the 4th truth: literally no one knows, except the counselors. Everyone thinks we’re a happy couple (which she demands). Once, I dropped off our kids for youth group, and our pastor (a younger guy, and a friend), elbowed me and jokingly said something along the lines of “alone time” for us while the kids were gone. At which I, a nearly 50 year old man, all 6 foot 1, 240 pounds, muscular, athletic, burst into tears in public, and i told him everything, which shocked him.
Anyways. thats the truth, pure and simple. But the truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Wow, your post really spoke to my heart which has been broken for a while but to which I continue saying, “I’m fine”.
I too love that song!
You’ve given me food for thought on how important it is to speak my truth as we enter a new year.
Two great songs you mention and a wonderful post. I pray blessings and healing for you in the new year.
2020 what a year though my wife would die didnt. Though this covid 19 was a really big deal it’s not. Believed my business could die. Had the best year ever. Had a huge issue with a person that ended up in our home. Hes moved on. Gods wisdom is superior to mine. End of 2020 off to big and better things.
My Truth:
1.) “I ‘saved myself’ for marriage and it wasn’t worth it.” Honeymoon a complete nightmare of dysfunction and refusal, a pattern which has continued to this day, nearly 28 years later. I was humiliated to once again be the loser in love/romance/sex; I don’t believe my wife has ANY concept of the damage to my self-esteem, my ego, my faith…my VALUE.
2.) I was deceived into thinking that she “wanted it” as much as I did; in the weeks/months leading up to our wedding it was a challenge keeping our hands off each other (how many times have you heard THAT one? 🙄 Once the ring was on the finger, she had what she wanted; to be the center of attention (we had a rather large wedding) and beat her “friends” to the punch by getting married first.
3.) I wasted my best, most virile years waiting and praying for her to come around (how do you pray, “God, please make my wife horny for me?!?”). Now at 54, having suffered the effects of vascular damage from high blood pressure/cholesterol, Type II diabetes (I am insulin-dependent, taking 15 shots a week) and just being old and undesired/undesirable, no woman would want me, even if divorce were an option to the “church.” I can’t blame them; I wouldn’t want me either- I’m a bitter, disenchanted middle aged a**hole. The irony is, time was I really DID want to be good to somebody and good FOR somebody; I don’t believe that’s even possible now, even if I wanted to.