The running joke my friends have had about me for years is that given even an ounce of time with a stranger, I would know their whole life story within a hot minute.
Well, maybe not that fast. But I do like to ask questions
I’m never trying to be nosey or gossipy, but rather I genuinely desire to understand and learn from someone’s back story. Now, don’t worry, I have good intuition on discretion and recognizing when I’m probably venturing into territory that most strangers don’t want to share with… um… me, a stranger.
Let’s just say, though, I operate by the philosophy that it’s not the first question that gets you the real story; it’s the second and subsequent questions. I’m a people person. I have a journalism degree. I’m naturally curious. All that and more.
We can apply this same philosophy to understand our spouse better—with anything, really, but you know me. This is a sex blog, after all, so these particular questions lean that way.
So here are 15 sex questions you can modify or adapt to get to know your spouse better. Feel free to use them verbatim or disregard them and make up your own. The point, of course, is to build intimacy through vulnerability and sharing.
Be prepared and open to answering the same questions as well, because that builds mutuality and shared understanding between you and your spouse. Listen. Listen. Listen. Seek to understand and to be understood.
15 Sex Questions to Ask Your Spouse
1. How did you first learn what sex was when you were growing up?
2. What attitude did your parents and/or other adults in your life have about sex?
3. Where did you get most your information about sex when you were a teen and young adult?
4. With whom (if anyone other than me), did you first fool around? What do you remember thinking about the experience afterward?
5. With whom (if anyone other than me) did you first have sex? What do you remember thinking about the experience afterward?
6. How did early experiences with sensual physical affection and/or sex affect your perspective about sex and relationships as you got older?
7. Is there anything in your sexual past that you’ve wanted to talk with me about but have been hesitant to share?
8. Knowing what you know now, what would you tell your newly-married self about sex in marriage?
9. What do you most enjoy about our sexual intimacy?
10. If you had to use three words to describe sex in our marriage right now, what would those words be and why?
11. What, if any, sexual struggles do you think we have had or currently have? What do you think caused or contributed to those struggles?
12. What do I do sexually that you really enjoy?
13. What does sex mean to you?
14. How do you think we could have more fun sexually?
15. How do you think we can grow closer sexually?
BONUS QUESTION if you have kids: What do you want our kids to understand about sexual intimacy in marriage?
Obviously, some of the above questions are heavier than others. And I know some of these questions may spark hard conversations about things like past sexual abuse or trauma. You know your marriage best as to when or how to tackle hard questions about sex.
What I will say about hard conversations about sex, though, is that avoiding them completely rarely is helpful. Sometimes a hard conversation can shed light on why someone feels the way they do about sex and/or why they behave the way they do sexually.
If you think some questions may be too traumatic (questions #7 and #11, for example), consider separately doing the below exercise:
Affirm each other that you always want to be completely open about sex, but you recognize there may be some topics that are too hard to initiate verbally. Print out two pieces of paper—one for each of you—with the below statement at the top. Commit to using those papers if necessary.
There’s something I want to share in regard to sex, but I’m not sure I can do it verbally. So I am writing it down for you to read, and then we can find a time to talk about it.
It’s just good to have the option there. It’s not that either of you need “permission” to talk, but sometimes putting something in place to make it easier is just good investment in your relationship.
The goal of all of these questions—the light ones and the hard ones—is to help the two of you grow closer sexually. As I mentioned, adapt, eliminate or add questions, based on what you think would be helpful for your marriage.
You may be surprised at what you learn and how it can propel your relationship to more passionate sexual intimacy.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.